Introduction (and checking whether this is the forum where I should be)

[TertiumQuid]

I'm new to this group. I discovered this community by reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells," a book which helped me to begin to understand some things about my father and myself. I'm trying to process those things and get both my mind and my relationship with my father into better shape.

I'm not sure if this is the right place to do that. If not, I'm sorry. I can't be sure my father has BPD--he has never been diagnosed, though from my observation he seems to fit several of the criteria. I found him very difficult to live with, but I think 'abuse' might be putting it too strongly. I've lived with, worked with and loved people who were physically or sexually abused as children. (Not, so far as I know, including my father.) I have some idea of how terrible that is, and I never suffered that. My mother wouldn't have allowed that to go on.

Sometimes my father was very affectionate, fond and approving, telling me often how proud I made him. (Usually in rather inflated terms and without specifics, as I later noticed.) Sometimes when I was little he'd ask me why my mother didn't love him. (I told him, then my mother, that I didn't know what to do about that. She told him to cut it out. He did. I was relieved, but also felt bad at the time for having 'told on' him.)Sometimes he was upset and disgusted with me and I didn't understand why. With my mother, I knew what the rules were and what she expected of me; I knew she'd listen to me (though not necessarily agree) if I thought the rules needed to change; I knew that if her behavior confused me I could ask her about it and she'd explain. With my father... .I just never knew.

My father tended to make a lot of what he called mistakes that disconcerted me, my mother and my sibling--breaking things that were our favorites, digging up stuff we'd planted, starting to drive away with a kid half in and half out of the car, dropping my mother off for doctors' appointments (she can't drive) and 'forgetting' to come back for her, etc. Sometimes he insisted that these things were all mistakes and no one's perfect and we just expected too much of him. Sometimes he said we were rotten to him and made him miserable and of course he did things to make us a little miserable too. Sometimes he said we were wonderful and he wanted to hurt us because he was horrible and we didn't deserve him but... .Sometimes he said he just didn't care. He could go through the whole rota in the space of a few hours.  Almost always when it was just him and the family. In public he was very charming. He's held down a professional job, he's a pillar of his church. One of his counselors, whom I also saw for a session, told me that my father was really charming and a delight to work with, always appreciative, always coming up with the right insight at the right time. The counselor did add that my father wasn't that good at follow-up, but... .

I gather that he also had some bizarre self-harming behaviors that sometimes landed him in the emergency room. I didn't learn the details and that's probably just as well.

It's also true that he financially supported us, drove us places, never hit us or touched us kids inappropriately. And I gather that when my brother and I were little there was a time when he really enjoyed us. I don't remember that clearly now. I do know that there are things I am grateful for as well as things I feel hurt by.

The three of us left and moved to an intentional community in another state fifteen years ago. My dad said he was pretty miserable living alone but it wasn't quite as bad as living with us. I visited for a while, but the house got progressively filthier and my father and I didn't really know what to say to each other in private. Being together in public was awkward in a different way. When I went to see him at his workplace a co-worker came over and told me at length how wonderful my dad was and how much he loved us and what a sacrifice he was making by letting us go off and work at this mission far away from him and leave him lonely... .I didn't see any point in disputing this in front of someone who;s still part of whatever support system he has. I haven't seen him for about five years now.

I used to call and write him often. Sometimes he'd respond, sometimes not; sometimes he'd sound lonely and sorry for himself, sometimes unhappy at being interrupted. He often said he wished he knew what he could do for us. I asked if he could call or write me on my birthday. He said of course. He hardly ever did.

About a year ago I asked him if he would rather keep in contact or not, and if so, how. I asked by letter as he'd said I made him feel put on the spot when we talked on the phone. A month or so later I got a paper letter saying that he was sorry and he knew this would hurt me, but he really just didn't care enough to put in the time and energy to keep in touch. I felt a little but disappointed but much more relieved: I had a clear answer, I was off the hook. The next day I got an email saying that of course he loved me very much and staying in touch was a high priority. He didn't mention having sent the other letter. That was in January. I felt confused and angry and decided just to back off. I got a chatty email the day before Father's Day, so I called him on Father's Day. In the course of that call I asked again if he'd rather have me call him or not. He sounded surprised when I said he'd sent me letters saying opposite things. he said he didn't know. I said in that case I'd hold back; if he wrote to me I'd write back, otherwise I'd leave him be. He hasn't written to me since, but he has told my mother that I have cut off contact with him.

I'm trying to figure out two things. One is mostly about him. I do know what I owe him, I do know what he's given me, and if I could help him I would like to. We've talked him into having someone come and clean so the kitchen and bathroom aren't likely to make him sick. I'm worried about how much and how poorly he eats and how this is affecting his health. For a while he said he didn't understand what was and wasn't healthy to eat, so I looked up and sent him assorted health-related information, but that hasn't been used so hasn't been helpful. I also hear that he is lonely and feels empty, and he often sounds afraid to me. I wish I knew whether more contact would make that better or worse. I also wish I knew whether saying anything to him about BPD would be helpful. I wasn't aware of its existence until a couple of months ago. I don't know how to answer either of these questions.

The other thing is mostly about me. I've had some struggles with anxiety in various forms. When it manifested as OCD I learned exercises that helped me to manage and eventually eliminate symptoms and freed me up to look at the stories under the symptoms. I often catch myself thinking, "Whatever I do will be wrong, and it will be my fault because I should have done it right."  That thought easily escalates into considerable anxiety. After reading Eggshells I think maybe that thought pattern is partly a response to growing up with my father. I hope that understanding this may help me to defuse the thought pattern. 

I realize this is very long. Writing it out helps me to see it more clearly. If you've made it this far, I appreciate your patience. If any of you have suggestions / stories about reaching out (or deciding not to) to separated borderline parents, I'd be glad of the chance to read them.

[drained1996]

 

Welcome Tert, you have landed in the right place.  I read your entire story, and we are sorry you have had to deal with this in life.  You will find that many here share some similar circumstances you have and are facing. 

To the right of this page you will find lessons and a survivors guide that can help begin your understanding and healing process.  Also at the top of the page you will find some helpful things in the tools section.

I'll ask if you have thought of seeking out a therapist?  I, like many here have found that seeking a professional guide that understands personality disorders to help us along the way has been a huge help.

You have suffered not doubt, like your situation mine isn't as obvious and polarizing, but mental and emotional abuse no matter the magnitude... .over a long period of time is very destructive.  We can only move along to learn about it, understand it, and make the best we can of comprehending what has happened and how we may better our situations and how we react to negative situations thrown our way. 

I've learned that sharing here is very therapeutic, and gets more and more people who have shared similar circumstances involved in discussion.  Keep posting, you've found the right place!