Did you ever enjoy the drama and extremeness of a pwBPD?

[Curiously1]

I remember my T telling me that she thinks I enjoy drama - as terrible and immature as that sounds for me.
I watched this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8R_jRKnkWAA I know it says narcissist but she mentions all cluster Bs.
and it kind of made me laugh. Cause in my experience, I knew there was something not right with my ex at the beginning but it was just this curiosity/never bored feeling I experienced with her that kept me in for longer... and how unique she was or how inappropriate she could be in comparison to me. I never idealised her and was just curious when she was being over the top with me especially at the beginning and her contradictory nature.
Anyone allured to their BPD because of the challenge? or the drama/shock? or their extremeness? or when they didn't make sense and making sense of strange behaviour? or all of the above? Even when noticing all the red flags and just being curious anyway?  Why weren't the red flags a detterent for you? was it because you didnt recognise them as such or knew them as such but ignored it? why? Perhaps it is just the need to rescue and feel good if you can really understand and be able to overcome a challenge like BPD. That reward feeling in the end maybe.

In healthy relationships that are not boring, what does that involve you think? You shouldn't need drama to not be bored in a relationship

Nons shouldnt be viewed as boring, and why are they so often viewed as such on here?

What replaced the drama and made you happy and contented in your new healthy relationship if you have one?

What cured your boredom? Is it a matter of maturity?

[sad but wiser]

Relationships without all the drama don't have zero drama.  They just aren't crazy.  And they don't run hot and cold.  I can say I do not miss the drama one little bit!  But I'm a girl, so his drama was pretty scary, or weird to see on a guy, so unattractive.  And as for boring, try listening to the same shaming/blaming/not my responsibility circular monolog day after day for years on end.  That is true boredom!
   No, give me a warm, loving relationship with a man who cares about my pleasure as much as his any day of the week!  Much more fun.

[Duped 1]

I liked all the attention and love bombing from such an attractive woman. Thats what drew me in. I had no Idea she was so screwed up despite the red flags.

[sad but wiser]

Love bombing... .sure enough.  Either it feeds your ego or your fantasies.  We all need a good healthy dose of practicality.   Now when a guy tells me how perfect I am when he hardly knows me, I run.

[Curiously1]

Relationships without all the drama don't have zero drama.  They just aren't crazy.  And they don't run hot and cold.  I can say I do not miss the drama one little bit!  But I'm a girl, so his drama was pretty scary, or weird to see on a guy, so unattractive.  And as for boring, try listening to the same shaming/blaming/not my responsibility circular monolog day after day for years on end.  That is true boredom!
   No, give me a warm, loving relationship with a man who cares about my pleasure as much as his any day of the week!  Much more fun.

That's true. It gets tiresome and predictable after some time. It's like talking to a wall. They never can really understand your side of things. And that's frustrating too.

[beggarsblanket]

Anyone allured to their BPD because of the challenge? or the drama/shock? or their extremeness? or when they didn't make sense and making sense of strange behaviour? or all of the above? Even when noticing all the red flags and just being curious anyway?

My time with her was intense but not substantially more dramatic or bizarre than I am used to in my crowd (artists, eccentrics, the marginal in general). If not for the illicit nature of the affair, our relationship would have been quiet and benign. She and I spent hours upon hours together in conversation. We went for coffee and long walks, made art and looked at art, shared books and music. Whatever we did, there was talk and play.

Why weren't the red flags a detterent for you? was it because you didnt recognise them as such or knew them as such but ignored it? why? Perhaps it is just the need to rescue and feel good if you can really understand and be able to overcome a challenge like BPD. That reward feeling in the end maybe.

I thought I knew what mental illness was, from my experience and from that of friends and family. My experience did not prepare me for BPD. My natural gesture, to be compassionate and attentive, was exploited to the limit and beyond.

I suspected early on that she had BPD, but she didn't confirm it till I was a few weeks in. By then I was already hooked. I had only the vaguest idea of what BPD even meant. I didn't start reading seriously about it till a few weeks ago -- five months after we parted for the first time.

In healthy relationships that are not boring, what does that involve you think? You shouldn't need drama to not be bored in a relationship

I think a healthy relationship is friendship plus. There is the simple enjoyment of one another's presence, whether quiet or invested in common interests. Plus there is the closeness, affection, and shared experience that is unique to romantic relationships.

What replaced the drama and made you happy and contented in your new healthy relationship if you have one?

I had a good relationship with one woman twice, for a total of four years. It is still the best relationship model I have. We were not well-matched in terms of interests and values, and that's ultimately what pulled us apart, but there was a lot of love there.

What cured your boredom? Is it a matter of maturity?

Maturity cured my boredom. I'm 40 years old. I've been chronically curious since I was a small boy. That tendency has diminished as I grow older, till now I've channeled my curiousity into a small handful of fields in the humanities. My BPD ex almost managed to bedazzle me away from my work. I think my good social ties outside the relationship kept me from getting dragged back in once I was out. I guess her suspicion of my friends was justified.

[woundedPhoenix]

Depending on where you are coming from, initially this behaviour can be in a way 'enjoyable', otherwise we all would have run early on.

I think it in the end all comes down to EGO.

Ussually, when you get into a relationship with a BPD, the following things happen.

A. Your ego gets inflated to unseen height due to love-bombing.
B. The initial anger moments and drama just bounce off that EGO, and can even be experienced as an amusing but futile test of that EGO
C. As the outbursts are ussually followed by make-up sex and don't leave me reactions, the EGO is further soothed.

But... .as the relationship progresses and the non becomes more and more attached, he/she is looking for substance beyond the EGO.
The BPD meanwhile develops intimacy issues, and works that off on the non's EGO more and more, to protect their own version of EGO.

So you end up with a situation where the scales are shifting and the Non's EGO is slowly broken down.

D. Breakdown of and attempts to heal the EGO due to being exposed to the BPD behaviours
E. The BPD finding failure in the "perfect EGO" they where attracted to initially, causing then to further distrust and destroy it.


The moral of the story is that the non's EGO was a construct ussually based upon his own childhood trauma,
it was fragile in some ways and had an unstable base, otherwise it would not have been attracted to the High Conflict type of love.

that's also the reason why most of us need to go back to our FOO and childhood years to find the answers after a final BPD breakup.

[Oncebitten]

WP

A very astute post, we are attracted to them because we are a little broken.  I know that though I hid it well from everyone I was full of insecurities and weaknesses in my ego.  She exposed everyone of them and built me up, fed the ego.  Put me on a pedestal, and then when she realized I was not in fact perfect, the tear down began.  Its been tough because my ego was strong enough to withstand day to day ridicule, but it has to many cracks in it to take it from someone who knows me so well, she knows where every crack is... .every chink in my armor

[woundedPhoenix]

Its been tough because my ego was strong enough to withstand day to day ridicule, but it has to many cracks in it to take it from someone who knows me so well, she knows where every crack is... .every chink in my armor

Interesting question: With that inside view into your cracks, the chinks in your armour, what did she do with that awareness?

[Rayban]

I'm also learning that I have something in my childhood and maybe my own personality that attracted me to, and kept me involved even after I new about her illness.  I've read that if a child represses their true feelings to please a parent, this will develop into just feeling grey or neutral all the time.  The BPD drama and excitement made me feel more alive.

I think my ex knew this. I believe she chooses partners that will tolerate her behaviour.  She knows that a healthy individual will not put up with her.

[woundedPhoenix]

I've read that if a child represses their true feelings to please a parent, this will develop into just feeling grey or neutral all the time.  The BPD drama and excitement made me feel more alive.

I think my ex knew this. I believe she chooses partners that will tolerate her behaviour.  She knows that a healthy individual will not put up with her.

Wether it is so "consciously" that they pick partners that are scarred on a deeper level, i don't know.

I think it has more to do that our subconscious without knowing tends to pick out partners that match or conflict with our own subconscious dynamics. BPDs are also masters at repressing and often veel a total void inside that needs to be 'brought' alive, but they go about it in a totally different way... .

[emancipated]

yes, admittedly despite the abuse, the abandoning of our dog ,leaving me for a much older man all the while hiding it.

yea i did. i felt she gave me a purpose , i felt alive, and relationships since have lacked that. what i can say is she successfully killed.my white knight fantasy when she was weak i comforted her when she attacked i reassured her and in the end i was the one left bleeding in the corner.

[sad but wiser]

I think we are all the kind of people who love to help.  A lot.

[IamGrey]

No, her extreme neediness/insecurities were a huge turn off and her endless dramas got to the stage where I'd dread her calls/texts.

She had so many good qualities, but I'm thankful I've seen the back of those particular traits.

[VitaminC]

I never idealised her and was just curious when she was being over the top with me especially at the beginning and her contradictory nature.

Yep, me too. Contradictory people are interesting because you can't predict their behaviour. That feeds the curiosity of an enquiring mind

It's also a really nice distraction from any problems, issues, boredoms one is having with oneself. That right there was a big one for me. I knew it right at the start, but my curiosity about this enigmatic person, combined with my (big and mostly unacknowledged) needs for adoration, and the common interests and great sexual chemistry all worked together to keep me in something I knew very well I should not stay in.

In healthy relationships that are not boring, what does that involve you think? You shouldn't need drama to not be bored in a relationship

Nons shouldnt be viewed as boring, and why are they so often viewed as such on here?

All true. I am not sure that we view nons as boring. Do we?  I don't think I do. But perhaps they are less of a puzzle because they are generally consistent and so give us less to work with. I think, for me, people with issues are somehow synonymous with people who think deeply and it's the deep thinking and all the questioning that goes with that, that I am attracted to.

What replaced the drama and made you happy and contented in your new healthy relationship if you have one?[/b]

What cured your boredom? Is it a matter of maturity?

No new relationship, so cannot say. I have recently been thinking more about the deep thinking business.

I can not be attracted to anyone who does not have a huge intellectual hunger. Someone who asks questions and hunts for the answers all the time.  I hope that it's not only troubled people who have this quality. I do not think I am so deeply troubled, not anymore, and I still need to think about all kinds of things all the time. I can not be unique in this.   So, that must mean, that a healthy relationship is possible, one with a healthy drama (and lack of boredom) that comes from intellectual and other pursuits which don't have to include the puzzles about who likes whom more and all that (truly immature) stuff.

Hm, much to think on here. Thanks for your post!

[gotbushels]

Thank you for your post and it's an interesting video. I think some pwBPDs are stuck in logic loops--it's like living with a puzzle that can break itself over and over. If you have a compulsion to fix things, I think this can entrance you.

Nons shouldnt be viewed as boring, and why are they so often viewed as such on here?

I think there's a great variety of nons. Some may be considered boring, that's true. I think the majority aren't.