Need some help communicating with my potential BPD friend that's cut me off

[CMJ]

Howdy folks!

Not 100% sure where I should post this as it's regarding a friend and there's no friend section, but this seemed like the best place.

I suppose a bit about my situation would be a good place to start.

My friend cut me off on the 30th of September, a week after sending me a text saying the friendship wasn't good for her because she has too many issues and reads too much in to what I say about things. I replied to her text the next day (I was asleep when it arrived), and thought I'd give her some space to avoid making things worse. A week later I was thinking about messaging her to see if things were ok between us, but then we got the news that my girlfriends uncle had tragically drowned while on holiday and my priorities changed. GF and family rushed off to be with the surviving uncle who was alone in an unfamiliar part of the country, leaving me to look after our son. It'd been a draining afternoon so I went to bed, I checked Facebook just beforehand and noticed my friend count had gone down by one. Typed in her name and sure enough the add friend option was available.

I didn't react at first. Sent her a text the next day saying I was going to message you yesterday but then a family member died so 10 out of 10 for timing. No response but to be honest I wasn't expecting one. After that I just left her to it, I concentrated on family and getting through the funeral. She didn't really cross my mind much at all during that period.

After the funeral I found myself thinking about her. About a week later I sent her a message on Facebook saying that the funeral had taken place, that it hurt to be pushed away but that I realise there must be other things going on with her that I'm unaware of, that I care about her and will keep trying to show it unless she tells me to stop. This was read but again not responded to, but I'm still not blocked despite her knowing I plan to try to keep communication open. That was 3 weeks ago and I haven't sent anything since.

This isn't the first time she's done this to me. She blocked and ignored me for 12 months between July 2015 and July 2016, with the exception of a few days in September 2015. In her defence I was battling depression during that time and I was all over the place. My communication was inconsistent, pleading one week, raging the next and I must have been a massive trigger.

This time round though I've remained calm, I'm able to not take this personally at all, I believe that she needed space to deal with her emotions rather than punish me for something. I've just got on with my life, indulged in my hobbies, spent time with family and friends, and read as much as I can on here. I stopped following her on Instagram and Spotify, not as a punishment, just for my benefit, to limit seeing her name.

Now I must make it clear that I'm not 100% that she has BPD. She's always been upfront about having problems but has never mentioned what she's been diagnosed with. She is having counselling, is on medication, suffers with depression and recovering from an eating disorder. What brought me to BPD is another friend who recently achieved a masters in psychotherapy, she has had dealings with the potential BPD friend and thinks that's what she's suffering with. Having read up on it she does exhibit some of the traits.

So what do I need help with? Well, firstly it's nice to just talk about this kind of stuff with people who understand, all my friends say good riddance you're better off without her, but being disordered myself (Aspergers) I know what it's like being judged and misunderstood. Secondly I feel like the time is right to try reaching out but I have no idea how to put what I've learned in to words. Essentially how do I communicate in a calm, validating way that's safe for us both?

I know I can't fix her, as they saying goes I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it, but she's my friend, she's important to me. Working on myself and learning seems like a small price to pay to try and support someone I care about.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I am sorry for the loss of your uncle and that you are going through this with your friend. It is nice to have a place to talk about the situation others who understand though, so I'm glad that you found us!

Why not just send her a message that says something to the effect of, "I just wanted to say hello and tell you that I am thinking about you. I hope that all is well."?

[CMJ]

Hi Meili

Thanks for your reply. Was beginning to lose hope, there doesn't seem to be a huge amount of information around regarding helping a friend specifically. Seemed to be getting nowhere no matter where I looked, but the general tools on here have been helpful so far.

Gah! I've been overthinking this so much, thinking I had to validate how she was feeling when she pressed the unfriend option so that every message I attempt to write ends up essay length! 
The simple option just never occurred to me. Now that I think about it I figure that once the moment has passed and you missed the validation opportunity, it's probably best not to attempt it retrospectively.

I'd actually like to thank her. She pushed me to join Instagram and I'm currently in discussions with a website about becoming a featured artist, which wouldn't have happened without her. Do you think that's a good idea, or just keep it to the bare bones for now?

[Meili]

I was recently (like last week) given an unofficial diagnosis of Asperger's, and I also tend to write novellas to my x. For some reason, I feel compelled to share every thought with her in great detail. I wonder if that's an Aspie thing?

Yes, once the validation moment has passed, it's probably better to not rekindle that fire.

Simple is usually the best idea.

The tools and techniques discussed around here are actually useful in every relationship that we have. So, while it may seem geared toward family and romantic relationships, what we work on applies to all kinds of relationships.

[CMJ]

I was recently (like last week) given an unofficial diagnosis of Asperger's, and I also tend to write novellas to my x. For some reason, I feel compelled to share every thought with her in great detail. I wonder if that's an Aspie thing?

I do think that it is. I always struggle with keeping messages short to anyone, not just my friend. Maybe due to the analytical way our brains tend to work.

Simple it is then. I shall just say hi etc, and thank her another time

[Meili]

Yeah, I've found the analytical to be particularly difficult to deal with when dealing with someone who is disordered. Almost no emotions + extremely intense emotions + lack of ability to pickup on non-verbal cues = DISASTER!

How do you deal with that?

[CMJ]

Tell me about it!
I used to think that I'd be a very good friend for her due to being more analytical. Wrong!
But I think with some effort we can learn how to handle things a lot better. The aspie obsession helps, I've spent hours reading up on BPD since finding out about it.

I've sent her a simple message. It's been read but no reply, still not blocked though so that's a good sign I think. Unless she's being deliberatley manipulative/controlling. Oh god here comes the overthinking! 

[Meili]

Stop over thinking it! Yeah... .yeah... .I know... .I get it... .I might as well tell you to stop feeling the need to eat.

I thought the same as you. Oh, she's the emotional type... .a yin to my yang. Excellent! uummmm... .

Like you, I obsessed about learning about BPD. Great! Now, I have encyclopedic knowledge on the subject. But, oh, wait, change? There must be change? UGH!

Just as a guess, but I doubt that your friend is being deliberately manipulative. She may be controlling though. The controlling is about her and not you however. Give her some time to process. Remember, it takes them longer to process emotions than the "average" person.

[CMJ]

Haha I'm not really. I'm actually a little worried how easily I'm handling it this time round, it's like I'm already part way detached.
But I guess I'm one of the lucky ones, we're only friends so there's no further complications like romance, shared living arrangements etc.

I've never minded change if I can see a clear benefit, but severely dislike having it forced upon me without time to prepare.

I'll just give her more time, maybe leave it until Christmas and send her a card just saying Merry Christmas. It'll be sad if she never replies but I have other friends and a life of my own to lead 

[CMJ]

This weekend has been hard. Had to drive past her house 4 times to get to 2 kids birthday parties and back (some of the girlfriend's family live in the same part of the city as her), and naturally it's made me think of her a lot.

This comment from another user in another thread struck a chord: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301794.0

You said your partner has abandonment fears. These fears are greatly eased by being chased by someone, specifically you. By refusing to talk, your partner is keeping you in the position of trying over and over, providing a constant stream of relief from the abandonment fears.

If you stop chasing, you are no longer providing what your partner wants. Tables are turned and now the pwBPD will be calling you in order to get it back.

Guess that's the controlling part of it all.

Part of me wants to send her another message saying that I'm here if she wants but I'm done chasing her. That I'm not abandoning her, but letting go of the outcome.
I'm tired of waiting around to move on. It wouldn't be an attempt to change her behaviour, just a statement of my stance that I'm not ok with being treated this way so I'm removing myself from the situation. And if she walks, she walks. I've lost friends before and my life will be perfectly fine without her if that's her choice.

[Meili]

Maybe showing it would be better than saying it.

[CMJ]

You mean just go no contact without saying anything?

[Meili]

Did she ever respond to your last message? If not, then you are not the one going NC, you are respecting her choice to not communicate.

[CMJ]

No, she read it straight away but no response.

I'm actually feeling better about things now, it was just a hard weekend. Seeing her house brought a lot of things back.
I know it's not about me at all, it's just frustrating that there's no definitive end. How are you supposed to mourn the loss of a friendship and move on without an end? Leaving communication lines open just seems cruel sometimes.

Guess I've still got a ways to go before all the knowledge I have turns in to acceptance and peace of mind.
I started reading When Hope Is Not Enough yesterday, seems informative so far.

[Meili]

But, the end is completely within your control.

[CMJ]

Is it though?
I know I have control over whether to contact her or not, but there's nothing stopping her contacting me, and that's the part that worries me.
If I move on and she pops back up in the future.

[julie frances lloyd]

Hi sorry you are having troubles with your friend. Have you moved away somewhere far? I know several people I know have moved and extended family is far. Just keep reaching out. You are not alone. 

[CMJ]

Hi Yello, thanks for taking the time to reply.

No, I've not moved, been here 16 years. My friend and I both still live in the same city, and work in the same building (albeit different floors).
I'm not originally from this city though, if that's what you meant? My family (parents and brother) live about 200 miles away, but I have a family of my own, and some other good friends.

And regarding reaching out, I honestly don't know if that's for the best. I don't want to overstep and boundaries, hers or mine, and it hurts every time I'm ignored. I want to support her and not be another person that abandons her but it's kinda hard to when I just get silence. I've read blogs and other forum posts written by BPDs where some say that messages mean a lot even if they don't reply, but others say when they split you they're completely done. It's all just so confusing.

[Meili]

Sadly, unless the pwBPD tells us, we'll never know the answer to whether the messages are well received even in silence or not.

What I meant by your being in control is that you are the one who gets to decide when to end all hope. That decision cannot be made by anyone other than you. So, how this plays out is completely within your power and control. Your friend has power over her life and you have the power over yours.

[CMJ]

I actually had a bit of a zen moment the other day.

I was reading this www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/2012/07/open-letter-to-non-BPDs-from-those-of.html and something just sort of clicked.
I see now that all this isn't about me at all, it's about her dealing with her feelings how she needs to, I'm just sort of collateral damage. That might sound negative but it really was a freeing realisation, I don't have to take responsibility for any of this because it's not about me or even aimed at me. I'm free to just carry on with things, I can still be there for her without trying to prove it, her choices are exactly that... .her choices.

So I've decided to respect her choice not to talk and just send her a Christmas card. Maybe include a short letter (2 paragraphs tops) because it feels important to me to say goodbye should she never return, and then leave her to do whatever she needs to.

I don't know if I've explained that very well, but basically I'm in a very good place right now and feeling optimistic