Thanksgiving - one year later

[flourdust]

Last year, I journaled my nightmare Thanksgiving here. My dBPDw had been regularly dysregulating and blowing up at me while I drove, creating numerous scenes and unsafe driving conditions. We ended up making a very tense 400 mile trip on Thanksgiving, which ended with a massive public blowup that led to our very first (unfortunately, not last) police call. That was also when I permanently moved to the guest room.

In February, we separated and she moved out. In June, I gave her divorce papers. The process is still underway.

The conflict this year has been about the parenting schedule. In court-ordered mediation in September, she agreed to a temporary custody plan, but she wouldn't agree to a holiday schedule. She still hasn't. On the current plan, I have D11 for Thanksgiving weekend, but she has D11 for Thanksgiving night. I proposed a swap so that I could take D11 to my family for Thanksgiving. This should have been a no-brainer: BPDw doesn't like Thanksgiving, I love it, and D11 loves it.

Instead, I got two months of weird demands through her attorney. I could have Thanksgiving if she got 10 overnights and a dinner night every week. I offered her 3 overnights, then raised it to 4. She repeated her demands. My friends called it extortion. I made peace with the fact that I was going to lose Thanksgiving and D11 wouldn't understand why this was happening. At the last minute, BPDw blinked and backed down from her demands.

D11 and I are going to Thanksgiving. No BPDw, no extortion, no police calls. Looking forward to it!

[flourdust]

I should add that we still don't have a holiday schedule, so the regular custody rotation is in effect until the court order is overturned or made permanent. I did try to get away from the conflict by suggesting it wasn't a good idea to battle for every holiday swap through attorneys. She told me that she doesn't agree with my holiday plan and will be proposing a different one through her attorneys. I'm still waiting, months later.

However, this is really the most important holiday to me and the only one that involves a trip out of town. I looked ahead at the schedule. If we don't agree on a holiday schedule, D11 will be with me on pretty much all of the upcoming holidays, including Mother's Day! So be it... .

[flourdust]

Instead, I got two months of weird demands through her attorney. I could have Thanksgiving if she got 10 overnights and a dinner night every week. I offered her 3 overnights, then raised it to 4. She repeated her demands. My friends called it extortion. I made peace with the fact that I was going to lose Thanksgiving and D11 wouldn't understand why this was happening. At the last minute, BPDw blinked and backed down from her demands.

Guess I spoke too soon. BPDw and D11 weren't at the pickup spot this evening. I called BPDw and learned that she had taken D11 out for dinner and that "this is what we're doing from now on." So it's back to my attorney to find out what recourse I have for her violating the parenting agreement.

[steelwork]

Really sorry, flourdust.

[Reforming]

Hi Flourdust,

I can imagine that must be very disappointing and frustrating. Ultimately she's undermining her own position by ignoring the parenting agreement.

Is there anyone who can help mediate with her? Another family member?

Reforming

[babyducks]

I'm really sorry flourdust.   that has to be very difficult.   How are you today?   and how is your daughter?

[flourdust]

Although I was furious with her, the rational part of my brain said it would be best not to escalate the conflict by demanding she return D11 or driving to the restaurant to take her away. I headed home and simply texted her to drop off D11 after dinner. BPDw seemed to take that as surrender, and she forwarded me an unrelated email about an evening event I might be interested in, offering to take D11 for that night because, and I swear I am not making this up, "I just want to make sure you get what you need."

D11 and I drove to my family's for Thanksgiving. We've been having a lovely time, and I'm surrounded by supportive family. Next week, my attorney will get back to me on what action we want to take. The logical part of my brain says that her violating the parenting agreement is going to harm her in the custody evolution and in front of the judge. Got to keep my focus on winning the war, not each battle.

[Sluggo]

Flourdust I am very sorry for the chaos.  I like the comment that you have to look at the war and not each battle. 

[formflier]

Flourdust,

Good job keeping the "long view" and not going nuclear over her change of the plan.

Any idea how long until you get in front of the judge?

FF

[flourdust]

Any idea how long until you get in front of the judge?

No, and it's frustrating! We had our initial hearing two months ago, and we have yet to receive an order on the temporary motions the judge heard that day. The judge also ordered a parenting evaluation, and that's on hold due to a case backlog in the county system. Again, no ETA on when.

[formflier]

Bummer... .biggest thing I noticed that sucks/matters is the parenting evaluation.  In most stories that carries a lot of weight.

Hang in there!

FF

[Moselle]

Hey Flourdust. Mine is also in breach at the moment. In was tempted last week to do something Irrational, so I spoke to my lawyer. He said. Now is the wrong time to give her the ammunition she wants. Keep your side clean. Follow the court process. We are filing a contempt charge. 

If I can apply this advice to your situation as well. Keep it tidy and document everything she does. When it comes to court, have all the evidence with you in a file.

[flourdust]

If I can apply this advice to your situation as well. Keep it tidy and document everything she does. When it comes to court, have all the evidence with you in a file.

Agreed. I'm guessing she's going to try to repeat her "theft" of dinner nights. I plan to verbally (and in writing) disagree with her, but I'm not going to get into a physical confrontation.

[formflier]

Agreed. I'm guessing she's going to try to repeat her "theft" of dinner nights. I plan to verbally (and in writing) disagree with her, but I'm not going to get into a physical confrontation.

Solid plan.  I would ask if there is a best way to document this kind of thing.  Also wondering if useful to have your attorney write something to her attorney.

FF

[Sluggo]

I like keeping my phone on voice record when transferring kids.  I keep it in my pants pocket.   It has helped out a lot in confirming to my lawyer and custody evaluator my version of these episodes.  It also helps me as I don't fall into the gaslighting trap and start second guessing what really I said or what happened.   

[flourdust]

Well, our attorneys have been exchanging snippy emails. It looks like we're going to be having a call in to the judge next week.

[flourdust]

Well, our attorneys have been exchanging snippy emails. It looks like we're going to be having a call in to the judge next week.

And the court smacked her down! No more dinner hijacking!

[formflier]

And the court smacked her down! No more dinner hijacking!

Oh... .come on! More details!

Congrats for standing firm... .for spending the lawyer cash!   

FF

[flourdust]

Well, BPDw kept D11 away for dinner for two consecutive weeks. Our lawyers exchanged emails to no avail -- hers is a high-conflict personality. The lawyers had a phone call with the court. I wasn't on the call, but I suspect that it came down to I've been following the court order and she hasn't, with plenty of emotional whining that it wasn't fair. The judge ordered BPDw to have D11 to me by 6:30, no more dinner hijacking. This bodes well for how our arguments will play out before the judge.

[formflier]

 

Nice... .

FF

[Skip]

There is apparently a lot of fight in the air... .we often recommend that you parallel parent for the first year (with the goal of working toward cooperative co-parenting when things cool) and just take the standard visitation and don't negotiate. There is no good faith right now.

[flourdust]

Well, my situation is reversed from the norm. I actually have majority parenting time (around 75%) and she's trying to get more.

[Skip]

My point is that real time ongoing "trades" may lead to a lot of stress and irregularity.

[flourdust]

No doubt. A big part of this conflict was the Thanksgiving issue. We don't have a holiday schedule, just a regular parenting schedule, so the calendar had D11 with me for all of Thanksgiving weekend except Thanksgiving Day itself. I've been pushing her to accept or at least negotiate a holiday calendar, but she has so far obfuscated on this.

I'm not planning to get into any more holiday trades. As it stands now, the calendar is harmful to BPDw. She won't have D11 on her birthday, Mother's Day, or other major holidays.

There's also a chance that we'll finally get that court-ordered custody evaluation started, which might move us closer to a permanent parenting schedule. Hope springs eternal.

[Skip]

I'm not planning to get into any more holiday trades.

Read deep on co-parenting Board, it might help.

Most "BPD" couples try to co-parent first. It's emotional, they end up battling, eventually shut down, maybe go to parallel parenting after months of "it doesn't work". This is very hard on the kids.

People with poor executive control don't negotiate well. Emotional people don't negotiate well.

What I am suggesting is to learn what parallel parenting is and set that up from the start. It is a much less target rich environment for fighting. And it your start there, it tends to cool things and the parties after some time (a year maybe) learn to give and take in a positive way.

The alternative, which many fall into, going through co-parenting trauma and them trying to parallel parent builds very high levels of resentment which are hard to reverse.

Everything you are saying suggests that going parallel up front with the goal of slowly converting to co-parenting a year out is a strategy with a higher degree of success than trying to co-parent at the beginning and devolve to a parallel arrangement.

There is an inherent problem in divorce. The couples fight to win - they fight hard and often fight dirty - and they grow huge resentments. You are fighting to win - read your words. Then suddenly the divorce is over and they need to be cooperative pals for the benefit of the kids. Its a tall order in any divorce - taller for a BPD divorce.

Anyway, one man's advice to another.

[flourdust]

I would love to do parallel parenting, and I'm actually trying to minimize as much co-parenting as possible. (BPDw does a fair amount of chastising me for not co-parenting in OFW, which I ignore.)

I don't know how to practically make that conversion happen, though. Right now, we're still working off a temporary parenting schedule. I've proposed a much more detailed parenting plan that goes into all the rules around handoffs, responsibilities, decision-making, etc. to minimize ambiguity. She hasn't accepted it. This all has to work its way out through court. Part of what I need to do, strategically, is be at least somewhat cooperative and friendly around some of these co-parenting issues, because I do not want to be branded in court as the uncooperative, controlling parent who won't engage the other parent.

[formflier]

What are the chances that your permanently get 75% or more? 

I would think that could also impact the strategy you pick. 

I would think record keeping of offers you have made would help you end up not being branded "the controlling one".

FF

[flourdust]

What are the chances that your permanently get 75% or more? 

I would think that could also impact the strategy you pick. 

I would think record keeping of offers you have made would help you end up not being branded "the controlling one".

No way for me to know what the chances are of getting majority custody. Right now, I have majority custody via a temporary court order. That's an advantage. There's a parenting evaluation coming up, and I have plenty of documentation regarding problems with her parenting. I like to think I have an advantage there, but it's up to the evaluator and the judge. Having the judge rule that she was out of bounds in trying to seize extra parenting time is a good sign.

Ultimately, I think that I've placed the burden of proof on her to show that she can be trusted with 50% parenting time.

I am absolutely keeping all records, and trying to be as reasonable and non-confrontational in communications with her as I can. The history has been that she (and her attorney) make dramatic, emotional claims about me, and I counter with dates and facts. So far, it's working.