Undiagnosed BPD Girlfriend~

[JDF]

Hi All,
Man, where do I start... .?
I have been dating my girlfriend for 1 year. She is a very successful, educated, smart 41 yo woman.  Although she owns her own home, she spends most of her time at my house as do her two small dogs. She was married briefly and has no children.
I have 3 adult children who live 100 miles away who are all married, independent, and not asking me for anything, other than my love. I was married to their mother for nearly 20 years and divorced in 2003, although we remain cordial.
She's been going to therapy for several years now for what she calls, "seasonal anxiety and depression". However, it seems like the closer we have gotten, the more possessive, critical, controlling, and sensitive she has become. She is very committed to me and has little to no tolerance of me not being available to her unless she excuses me to be with my guy friends. In other words, she doesn't like to share me with others and has flat out said that. She says she never wanted to date someone with kids because she wants her partner all to herself.
She can go from happy to mad in no time flat! Everything seems to irritate her, especially when it comes to me and my kids.
She and I went to HER therapist for couples counseling to get through the things that bother her about me (not always putting her first, my close relationship with my adult kids, how my kids are "entitled" and "spoiled" and don't strive to always consider her feelings, etc.) Multiple times, she became mad at the therapist for taking my side and recently, the therapist told me that couples therapy doesn't work well for people with BPD (a diagnosis she's never shared with my gf), and that she, for the first time in her practice, now refuses to conduct relationship therapy with her anymore,only individual therapy.
BTW... .Im 10+ years older and am retired, financially independent.
Enough background. The issue I'm having with her is that she became offended that my kids didn't respond to her the same day she texted them about getting together for my birthday. By the next day, she was pissed and sent them all a message that she wasn't going anymore and they could plan something on their own. When they did, and we all had fun together, she had a meltdown and started a text message war with them. To me, and others who have read the text message string, she instigated things in a very immature, spoiled way while my kids and their spouses remained fairly calm. But now, she wants me to force them to apologize to her for their responses when even third parties reading the text message strings agrees that my girlfriend instigated it all and was out of line. She literally becomes irate when I speak to my kids because she sees them as the cause of her pain. At this point, my kids don't want to interact with her for a while, as this is not the first time she's acted childish. Oh, and by the way, she has a history of having blow ups with her friends, family members, etc. and never seeing her part in the issue. Everyone owes her an apology! But, she is very hurt that I don't stand up for her by scolding my kids for "what they said" and that if love her, I'd stand behind her, even if I don't agree with her. She seriously wants me to choose between them and her. How do I do that when my kids didn't do anything wrong?
I would like to ask the forum... .
1) How do I handle her expecting an apology from my kids when clearly they acted in a restrained manner?
2) Would it even help to have a trusted third party mediate who was at fault?
2)Shouldn't someone tell my girlfriend that she has BPD and that her viewpoints are distorted when her emotions are involved? Right now, she thinks her perceptions are solid and everyone else has problems.

I've listened to about 10 audio books on BPD including, "Stop walking on Eggshells". I've become much better at setting boundaries and not becoming drawn into her drama emotionally, which has helped.
I appreciate any help you all could give me to resolve this issue with my kids and her. The holidays are coming and would love it if I could just have some peace in the situation. Thank you and God Bless!

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[Mutt]

Hi JDF,



I'm sorry that you had to go through that. It's a difficult position to be in to have to try to get people to apologize for something that goes against your values. It's not fair to you. I'm glad that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to people that can relate with you. You're not alone.

The issue I'm having with her is that she became offended that my kids didn't respond to her the same day she texted them about getting together for my birthday. By the next day, she was pissed and sent them all a message that she wasn't going anymore and they could plan something on their own. When they did, and we all had fun together, she had a meltdown and started a text message war with them. To me, and others who have read the text message string, she instigated things in a very immature, spoiled way while my kids and their spouses remained fairly calm.

Take this to your T and see what they think. I know that it doesn't make sense but there is a fundamental logic. It sounds to me like your girlfriend had you split white, she's idealizing you and wants to provide for you, something that she thinks that you really want, if she can make you happier than anybody else, that validates her as a good person. A pwBPD are hyper sensitive to rejection, even if it's perceived, they're hyper-vigilant with it and are constantly scanning for rejection queues. She can't empathize,  she can't put herself in your kid's shoes and visualize that they may of been busy with something in else in real life, the meltdown was probably because she took it personally that they didn't respond, thinking that your kids don't like her, she felt rejection ( perceived ), because she's hyper-sensitive. So what do you think?

[JDF]

Thank you for your reply Mutt. I think you are spot on. My girlfriend is triggered when she perceives, real or imagined, that her needs or wishes are not being considered. It makes sense that she takes this as a for of rejection. When she was young, her parents often left her with the housekeeper while the worked in the family business. Ie... her needs were not considered. She felt unprotected when she had to walk through the dark in the early morning to get to college in Mexico. So, what you say makes a lot of sense.
Is there anyway to get her to realize that just because she feels offended by my kids, doesn't automatically mean that they did something wrong? My kids don't even understand why she was mad to begin with and frankly,  are tired of me making excuses for her childish rants, let alone being asked to apologize to her.
Thank you again for your kind and helpful response.
JDF

[Mutt]

If it where me, I'd stay in the middle and not take sides. You have a triangle with your girlfriend and your kids. If you side with your kids, you're rescuing your kids and she would be cast as persecutor, it perpetuates drama. I'd validate your girlfriend feelings and your kids.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

[ArleighBurke]

If she has BPD then she'll have BPD behaviours. You can't ask her to not have them - that implies you want her to "be cured"... .

1) I agree with Mutt - you need to ensure you stay neutral. Tell her that your children makes their own choices - you are not able to force them to apologise. They are adults, she is an adult. If she has an issue with them then you are "confident that she'll be able to work that out" (make her solve her own problem - don't rescue her). Use SET in conversations: agree with how she feels, empathise that not receiving a reply the same day would feel dismissive/hurtful/abandoned etc. Then add a suggested "truth" - "they have families and lives - perhaps they needed time to think/plan". Don't dwell on your suggestion. If she debates it or questions it  just move on. Say "Or not - I don't know". You plant the idea in her head - she may think about later, she may not.

2) Mediating "who was at fault" is BAD DANGER NO! BPDs don't care about the "truth" - because the truth is that she feels X. That is true! WHY she feels X is almost irrelevant. Deal with the emotions, not the logic/facts.

3) General wisdom on this site is that telling a BPD she has BPD is also bad. I'm not sold on this, as I've seen people who take the diagnosis well and use it, and others who don't. But a label really doesn't help - treat the bahaviours - SET can do this.

[JDF]

Thank you everyone for all of your help and suggestions. I obviously have much to learn from this site. I'll go read about SET and put it into practice.
She does go to therapy every week, but mainly ends up discussing her week and things that give her anxiety. She wants to improve and learn to cope with her anger outbursts. It seems to me that without the right therapy or understanding BPD she won't learn to cope. But, I also understand that I can't rescue her or lead her to the right treatment. That's her job. I'm a fixer so this is hard to keep in mind.
Thank you all for the help. I really appreciate it.