Divorced a BPD four years ago, now worried 17 y/o son is BPD

[Hopeful Dad]

I found this site very helpful when contemplating divorce and then going through with it four years ago. Now I am worried my 17 y/o son is borderline. He's in outpatient treatment for drug abuse (pot), but relapsed after less than 3 weeks of treatment. He sneaks out of the house at night and lies about it. He's extremely disrespectful. He gaslights sometimes. How do you tell the difference between a self-centered teen and BPD? I'm at my wit's end with him, and would just as soon kick him out of the house. I spent 20 years married to a BPD, I'm not going to subject myself or my 14 y/o son to more abusive borderline behavior.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Hopeful Dad,



I'm glad that you found site useful and decided to join up. I'm sorry to hear that you're giing through a difficult time wit your son. It's possible tat he has his mother's traits. SET, boundaries, validation, empathy can be used in all sorts of relationships and not just for a pwBPD. DDoes your son have siblings, do you two spend time together? You'll find the lessons on the right side of the board. You're not alone.

[livednlearned]

There is a helpful chapter (section?) in Blaise Aguirre's book "BPD and Adolescence" about that exact question, how to tell the difference between BPD and regular teen limit-testing and impulsivity.

In trying to understand the same thing for my S15 (BPD father), I came across an article about the much higher rates of mental illness for children with a BPD parent. S15 was diagnosed with what seemed like sub-clinical BPD -- ADHD/ADD combined type, depression/anxiety, OCD, ODD.

Another book that was very helpful:  Love and Logic for Teens. The authors do have a Christian message in one part where they talk about abstinence, but if that is something you're fine with, the rest of the book is very helpful if you want guidance on how to set loving boundaries for a child who continues to put himself at risk.

What do you do when he lies? When he sneaks out of the house?

[Hopeful Dad]

Thanks for the advice. I'll check out Blaise Aguirre's book. I have a great counselor for my sons who recommended the Love and Logic books. I haven't been doing a great job of natural consequences. S17 learned from his BPD mom that if you pitch a big enough fit then I'll back down. I am better at standing my ground than I was four years ago, that's for sure. I have made the mistake of feeling guilty for what I put my sons through, so sometimes "go soft" on them. I'm developing a new set of House Rules, without consequences clearly spelled out.

[livednlearned]

I'm the same way, feeling guilty then going soft. Parenting a teen is so much harder than I ever imagined.

Have you talked to your son's counselor about your concerns that he may be at risk for BPD?

 

[Hopeful Dad]

I have spoken to his counselor about my concerns. He doesn't think he's full-blown BP, but concedes he may be acting in ways similar to his BP mom.

[livednlearned]

I wonder what he means by not full-blown BPD?

Meaning, your son only has 4 or less of the 9 criteria to make a formal diagnosis?

There is a diagnosis called Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (PD NOS), altho I am not certain off the top of my head how it fits into the scheme of other more commonly known personality disorders.