Moments of clarity

[JerryRG]

Thinking a lot today

From all I've learned from you all on this site, AA, Alanon, councilors, pastors, family and friends.

1. My mother was BPD/NPD, unrecovered drug addict.

2. My dad was alcoholic and whatever other undiagnosed mental issues he had.

3. I grew up in this family and because of the alcoholism, we were isolated from other family so no healthy role models.

4. I did not progress through the normal stages of emotional development because I was not allowed to so that my behaviour could be more easily controlled. I remained very naive about all relationships.

5. I became codependent taking care of my parents. Role reversal.

6. Because of my FOO I picked partners and friends who behaved similarly to my family.

7. My tolerance for inappropriate behaviour allowed me to be numb to others dysfunctional behavior, I believed crazy was normal. No bounderies, no structure, no honestly or building character.

8. I became alcoholic, married a drug addict and had 3 children.

9. Failed at parenting and earning a living, father killed himself and I decided to stop drinking.

10. I fell even deeper into depression and started taking prescription meds.

11. Spent years listening to excuse makers and never got into real recovery, only numbed my symptoms.

12. Met BPDgf 4 years ago, ignored many red flags and my conscience and pushed forward into a total disaster of a relationship.

13. We had a child, she protected him from me until she decided she didn't care anymore.

14. Because of my FOO issues I believe I have learning deficits in the areas of denial, emotional maturity and just being able to walk through the fear of being a single parent. No confidence in being a father.

15. Because of the help I've received, I am well, not perfect, but a whole lot better than I was.

16. These are the facts of my personal situation to date, basically.

[Turkish]

JerryRG,

Most of the points you list are applicable to Coping and Healing.

I started on this board maybe a year after being on Detaching (then called "Leaving" after I started to think about my FOO. I realized how I ended up in the r/s with the mother of my children.  In short: I didn't know any better. As they used to say in at-risk youth mentoring,  "you don't know what you don't know." The teens would screw up their faces at that, and so did I, but if you ponder it,  that's true.  #6 sounds like Parentification, a role reversal as you say.  Can you talk about that? Taking care of others at the expense of ourselves is a learned behavior. I'm middle aged,  and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. 

T

[Kwamina]

Hi JerryRG and welcome to the Coping & Healing board

You've been doing a lot of thinking and analyzing and have come to some very important realizations about your current and past life. Your parents had severe issues which can seriously affect a child. I am very sorry you had these difficult experiences and can definitely see how they would affect you also in your adult life.

You do feel like you've been able to do some healing and are doing a lot better than before which is very positive

To further help you on your healing path, I encourage you to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse in the right-hand side margin of this board. When you go over the steps listed there, are there any particular areas that you currently find yourself struggling on and/or would like to work on?

The Board Parrot

[Mutt]

Hi Jerry,

I wanted to join the others and say great discovery! It takes self reflection and introspection to come to these realizations, some people measure success by doing as much as they can so that they keep their mind busy, they think that taking the time to stop and analyze their thoughts and feelings is a waste of time. Judging from your list it sounds like you've been doing a lot of work

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome aboard to C&H, JerryRG! 

We are all working on healing over here, and we are glad to have you join us. Lots of helping and caring hearts to listen and encourage you.

Your list is very well thought out, and it says to me that you have come a very long way in gaining a whole lot of understanding of yourself. Kudos to you! 

Because of my FOO issues I believe I have learning deficits in the areas of denial, emotional maturity and just being able to walk through the fear of being a single parent. No confidence in being a father.

One of the greatest encouragements my T shared with me is that learned behaviors can be unlearned. Keep going!

Wools

[JerryRG]

Thanks everyone, I've been busy with my son and work, recovery and healing from a dreadful virus. And, I'm avoiding this subject as I so handily do because I still choose to use self pity and blame to avoid my own issues.

I'm realizing how complicated I am and not that I'm different than son many and certainly not special, I like the C-PTSD because of the word "complex" This describes me, one day I'm happy and all the pieces fit and the next I'm struggling to find the simplest of answers and peace.

It's ok, I accept myself and all my flaws and all the good in me as well. Gratitude brings me to a place of acceptance and joy and peace. My recovery has given me this tool, this wonderful new way of thinking and acting.

There are days I see everything with clarity and wonder and days I'm still moping in the fog. And this goes back to my FOO, and my current choices of significant others and my personal beliefs about this life, distortion is not uncommon for me. I grew up in chaos, surrounded myself in dysfunctional relationships and drank myself into a lifeless numbness. Psych meds were the next choice, placating my emotions, moods and allowing me to exist but not live.

Anyway I have been on this path and I thought I was content until I met my exBPD, though it was hell with moments of heaven, this experience awoke I me a realization that I would have never found without it.

I owe this all to God, He came into my bedroom just 3 days after I took my exgf to a mental health facility for huffing and drinking and I know this experience was real. God knew what I was facing in the coming months and years and made a visit. The points of His and my conversation were two fold, courage and honesty. Those two points were the primary focus of the whole meeting.

I have seen death, both physical and emotional and pain and misery, I watched both my parents die long before they were buried and I was on this same path.

God in His mercy awoke in me a new life, asking why isn't important, the fact is He did. Now I have life and the only one that can inhibit my happiness is mysekf. I have been given a son, a beautiful perfect son and what did I do to deserve this? Nothing but love his mother enough to put up with suicide, overdoses, drug addiction, lies, manipulation, threats, accusations, abuse, pain, sarcasm, ingratitude, selfishness, abandoned our son, on and on.

All I wanted was to love her

So, I have a life and all the gifts poured upon me each day. I can choose to accept them and smile or go back to the old ways.

I choose life, I choose joy, I choose health, I choose gratitude

Thank you Jesus, one day I will see clearly that which is not visible now. On that day, the full of You, will be my joy for the rest of eternity.

Have an awesome day everyone, embrace this life with all your heart. We are exactly where we are meant to be.

[Kwamina]

Hi again JerryRG,

Thanks for your heartfelt response

I'm avoiding this subject as I so handily do

Well it's good that you pointed this out yourself so somebody else doesn't have to do it

I grew up in chaos, surrounded myself in dysfunctional relationships and drank myself into a lifeless numbness.
... .
The points of His and my conversation were two fold, courage and honesty. Those two points were the primary focus of the whole meeting.

You have been through a lot and based on what you share here you've certainly come a long way Honesty enables you to take a good hard look at your own life, then serenity to accept life as it is and finally courage to change the things you can change. With some wisdom poured in the mix too of course to know the difference

I have seen death, both physical and emotional and pain and misery, I watched both my parents die long before they were buried and I was on this same path.

There lies a whole world behind what you say here. It is horrible to witness your parents live this way. It reminds me of the poet Emily Dickinson when she wrote:

My life closed twice before its close, it yet remains to see, if immortality unveil a third event to me.

So huge, so hopeless to conceive, as these that twice befell. Parting is all we know of heaven, and all we need of hell.

So, I have a life and all the gifts poured upon me each day. I can choose to accept them and smile or go back to the old ways.

I choose life, I choose joy, I choose health, I choose gratitude

I salute you for making this choice JerryRG. It sounds like you have come to the place that you can finally and truly say it is well with your soul:

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul

Take care

The Board Parrot

[JerryRG]

Thank you Kwamina 

[JerryRG]

Filling the void

Someone in Alanon told me that in order to be well we must fill the void left behind when we let go of old ideas, habits, thoughts etc.

Without adding good things into our lives we still live with the void. My ex left a void and I try to fill it with obsessing over what went wrong, her part, my part in the relationship.

I believe the more positive things I participate in and be involved with positive healthy people the void will slowly fill with peace and happiness.

I've been doing this but it's very easy to resort back to old behaviours. This relationship was an addictio,n nothing less. I must treat it as an addiction or remain sick under it's control.

Talking to my lawyer today, kinda nervous about court because she can be so ruthless and depending on her mood she is brutally convincing.

As my friends tell me, I do my best and that's the only control I have over any situation.

So much to talk about, I need to get back to work before my boss gets upset

Have a great day everyone!

[Kwamina]

I believe the more positive things I participate in and be involved with positive healthy people the void will slowly fill with peace and happiness.

I share this belief

I've been doing this but it's very easy to resort back to old behaviours.

This is where practice comes in and really pays off. I have found that it is important to practice healthy coping mechanisms when we are feeling better. Sometimes that feels strange because it might seem like why practice when you are already feeling better. But the practice isn't for the good times, it is for the times when we we find ourselves struggling and might be tempted to revert back to our old ways. That is when it really pays off to have practiced new more healthy coping mechanisms which can then more easily and in time even automatically kick in when needed.

I hope you were able to get some work done!