How do you deal with it when they start to HATE you?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all. I am at the phase I think. I have been painted black for about two years now. Perhaps even longer. Since we are now at the point of separation and my uBPDw is moving out, I feel like she is starting to hate me. She hasn't said it. I don't feel that she needs to. At this point I conclusively think that I cannot do anything  right in her eyes. I say the wrong thing. Do the wrong thing. I can just feel her despise me. To try and talk to her about it is futile.
Since we decided that she would move out she has said to me on several occasions that she loves me but I just don't feel that she does anymore. OR if she does love me, it is her version of it, something that is mixed with a lot of anger.
It blows my mind to think of how she once adored me and now basically cannot stand me. In her mind I have done so many terrible things to her. I don't feel that I have. It is like we have lived two different relationships.
I read that it is not really about us per say. We trigger something in them. It is hard not to take it personal though.
Despite all the terrible, I mean really really bad things that she has done to me, I don't hate her. I can't even say that I love her less. I love her the same. Even as I was watching her flush our relationship down the toilet I still had hope. Eventually though I came to terms with the reality that I could not save "us" unilaterally.
I guess I am having a low ebb night.

[michel71]

Hello all. I am at the phase I think. I have been painted black for about two years now. Perhaps even longer. Since we are now at the point of separation and my uBPDw is moving out, I feel like she is starting to hate me. She hasn't said it. I don't feel that she needs to. At this point I conclusively think that I cannot do anything  right in her eyes. I say the wrong thing. Do the wrong thing. I can just feel her despise me. To try and talk to her about it is futile.
Since we decided that she would move out she has said to me on several occasions that she loves me but I just don't feel that she does anymore. OR if she does love me, it is her version of it, something that is mixed with a lot of anger.
It blows my mind to think of how she once adored me and now basically cannot stand me. In her mind I have done so many terrible things to her. I don't feel that I have. It is like we have lived two different relationships.
I read that it is not really about us per say. We trigger something in them. It is hard not to take it personal though.
Despite all the terrible, I mean really really bad things that she has done to me, I don't hate her. I can't even say that I love her less. I love her the same. Even as I was watching her flush our relationship down the toilet I still had hope. Eventually though I came to terms with the reality that I could not save "us" unilaterally.
I guess I am having a low ebb night.

[joeramabeme]

I only have one way to deal with and it is to stay away.  Nothing I say or do can change her feelings, and in fact, I am sure that my trying to do that makes it worse. 

Her radio frequency is not tuned into my station, I am just the object that she broadcasts her messages to and my responses to that broadcast are like static noise that interrupts her from listening to the voices in her head and that simply pisses her off even more and so she turns up the broadcast signal even louder!

 

[tammym1972]

I understand your pain michel71. My ex painted me black at the end too. We experienced the relationship both totally different I guess. I don't hate him even though at the end he treated me like crap. I still love him more than ever.

[WishIKnew82]

It is such a extremely painfull feeling to know that they hate you. I have had the same happen to me. In my case he hated me with the passion of a thousand suns. He told me to my face, via email, via phone all the different ways he despises me. I still love that ass. And I've never hated him. I am angry with him sometimes. Sometimes I just want to kick his ass. Other times I just feel really really really sorry for him.
There is no one way to deal with their hate. Knowing all the ways they've hurt you and they still end up acting like you are the villain. I hate the fact that he hates me. It is SO UNFAIR! I cannot control his feelings. But if there was one thing I could change was his hate for me. It is the one thing that bothers me the most. Especially when I come across things that remind me all he put me through and all I did for him.

In my more rational days I just accept it and know that he can hate me all he wants. It will not change the person I am. So my advice to you is the same. Just try to look at it as rationally as possible. Cry about it when you have to, get angry when you have to. And then get back to you.