Anyone else feel fremdschämen with their pwBPD?

[bestintentions]

In working through my recent struggles to let go of things, I remembered something my stbx said to me very recently and it brought back other memories of me having similar feelings with a fair amount of frequency during my 25 year r/s.  I would feel embarrassed for her behavior every once in a while when I thought whatever she may have done or said at the time had gone too far.  In this recent case, after moving out in July my stbx admitted to smoking pot and having sex with a man only a year older than our daughter.  Someone less than half her age.  This crushes me when I think about it.  Not illegal by any stretch but beyond the limits of my moral compass.  Anyone else with similar experiences of feeling embarrassment?

I had to go with a German word as there appears to be no fitting English one...

In some ways this lends itself to her trust in me to be able to reveal something that she knew would be hurtful, but hurtful all the same.

bi

[Turkish]

My ex left me for a young man 10 years her junior,  20 years mine,  so a bit young enough to be my son.  Yes,  it did feel embarrassing.  However,  I thought that if that's what she wants,  then that's what she wants. I'm am older dad, so I'm not on quite the same situation, but being replaced by the young studly college football player was certainly something.  I've come to realize that it had nothing as much to do with me,  but that which she desired at the time. 

[Herodias]

My ex did lots of things that embarrassed me... .I have to let go and let him have the embarrassment. He was the one to do it all... .I have decided it's not my problem. It took awhile to get there, but the most embarrassing part is to have stayed so long while everyone thought I should leave him. That one is on me... .that's it. When they go off with a relationship that doesn't make sense to us... .know it's on them and they will have to face the consequences for their actions.

[bestintentions]

When they go off with a relationship that doesn't make sense to us... .know it's on them and they will have to face the consequences for their actions.

I guess my idea was to explore how caretaking/codependent/empathetic traits were the real issue for anyone who's experienced this and not so much the actual acts themselves.

[Dutched]

When I understand your exploration correctly.

Fremdenschäden is something like embarrassment and/or a feeling of shame toward others for being with a person which behaviour is not within ones values and/or social accepted standards.

For example, going out with friends (so being part of that group) who act out of control (being very loud or dance on tables), can cause embarrassment when you are addressed (making you ‘responsible’) for your friends behaviour.
Or a parent with a screaming child in a store. Feeling as everyone concentrate on you and holding you responsible for solving the issue.

Our brains processes that circumstances within its reference (searching its memory for similar) and when identified triggers a response.
A response that immediately ‘simulates’ consequences of how painful that situation    can   be.
Can be… in our mind, when we do it ourselves or are hold ‘responsible’ for.

Seemingly people that observe (unconsciously) better (see instead of just look) and who are more receptive and empathic, and maybe with stronger norms and values, feels it more.
Further, of course, having an emotional bond with one, strengthens it, as they are a part of you

The downside of all is that one can also feel Fremdenschäden that is total misplaced.
In our cases, in the afterwards of that r/s.

In what you and others experienced in these relationships are a constant factor of embarrassment, shame and Fremdenschäden as the behaviour of the partner gets worse and worse until it is way out of control, even is way out of what within the r/s is THE value agreed upon (at least we thought so…) and therefore to live by.

Turkish mentioned his ex picking a youngster half his age… realising not to feel Fremdenschäden.
In my case exw (of 30yrs+) choose a heavy tattooed Michelin puppet shaped bloke of almost 70yrs., his 4th and maybe final r/s, a total affair down.

Once, when I saw both of them, I felt Femdenschäden for the way that woman was dressed (less than mainstream. I was used a sportive elegant woman besides me).
However seeing him beside that woman the feeling was instant over, as she mirrored him perfectly.
So what I saw was a perfect fit.
Again a perfect fit (as used to), only now copied his level... .

Intimea of her (family with whom I have still contact now and then) have the same feeling. More than once I explained the downfall and crossing more and more the Border Line…

[valet]

Interesting way to put it... .I did at times identify with that fremdschämen vibe. It was mainly when the relationship first started. And mostly how awkward and 'off' the idealization stage felt for me. She just gave me way too much attention, and would say some odd (albeit, very positive) things about me in public.

And also, the last time I saw her. It was like she had turned into a clown and all she was doing was competing for attention and praise. That felt really embarrassing because it seemed so far off from the person I knew. Although, this is a common experience at a certain point in detachment.

[sweet tooth]

Yes, I had that feeling. One time we were in public and my uBPDexgf loudly quoted her father using the "N-word." Her boss is a black man. Apparently her dad called him the "Token N-Word." I was mortified due to the taboo nature of that word. We weren't alone, either. There were other people around. I don't get offended by stuff like that, so if we were alone I would have brushed it off.

 Later that day an event occurred that I could only describe as a minor psychiatric episode. She became manic and had very specific food cravings. She HAD to have onion rings. Her eyes got really big, like they were going to pop out of her face. It was a wild look. She also talked quickly and moved quickly.

When I got home she said she had a great time but felt "criticized" (whatever that means). In retrospect it was a bizarre string of events.

[sweet tooth]

I also felt that way when I saw her several months after the discard. She was trying to rub the replacement in my face. I saw her peaking at me, too. Then they ran off and nobody saw them the rest of the night. Again, bizarre.

[lovenature]

In some ways this lends itself to her trust in me to be able to reveal something that she knew would be hurtful, but hurtful all the same.

Think attachments with a PWBPD, I am sure you have experienced numerous jealousy/lack of trust issues with her (I know my ex. showed me extreme, irrational jealousy), their worst fear is abandonment so they desperately try to avoid loosing an attachment. Likely her fears became too much emotionally for her to deal with, so she went in search of another attachment to sooth them.

She probably told you about the other guy (along with possibly telling the other guy about you), to see who was less likely to leave her. Mine lied to me about her ex., most likely other ex.'s too; it all depends on what their emotion of the moment is.