Two Steps Forward One Step Back

[toomanyeggshells]

I'm on this board now because I'm in the process of detaching, although I haven't been able to completely for some reason. 

Three months ago I moved out of the house uBPDbf and I bought together and lived in for 7 years.  He stayed there and I got a little apartment.  When I left, I agreed to keep seeing him on the weekends and we'd talk during the week.  It was going okay like that until a week ago when he (again) made some nasty comments about me and my kids (D30, D27).  I sort of flipped out and left "his" house, told him it was completely over and then didn't speak to him for six days.  I was convinced I was done with him.  So convinced I told a couple of people.  I made plans with friends that he would always scream about, made plans to fly out of state to visit D27 for a weekend.  I felt good.  I felt relieved and very hopeful. 

Then he started texting me - and you know where this is going  .  At first, I ignored it and then responded, little by little.  To wrap up the story, I went to see him on what would have been one full week apart and now things are back the way they were when I moved out.  Kind of.  I feel like I've made progress, hence the "two steps forward, one step back".  I'm moving forward, just not completely. 

I told him that I made plans with my sister-in-law next weekend, which pissed him off because he wants me by his side 24/7, and also that I was going to visit D27 for a weekend.  He wasn't happy about either thing, but I don't really care. 

After I moved out and we were spending weekends together, his "rule" was that it was "us" time and anything else I wanted to do, I should do during the week when we weren't together.  I sort of went along with that unless something came up.  I didn't go making other plans for the weekends and just hung out with him.  Now that it appears I'm back (again), I'm not going to do that.  I'm keeping my plans with my sister-in-law and maybe I'll make other weekend plans with friends.  I feel like that's a step forward that I'm making. 

I guess this is just a stream of consciousness post, I really don't have a question, but if anyone wants to give me any advice on how to stay NC forever next time (because there's always a next time), I'd be really glad to hear. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey toomany, The concept that you should "devote" your weekends to him, in my view, is typical for a pwBPD, due to their fear of abandonment and need to control.  Needless to say, it's an unhealthy dynamic, as you already know.  You have every right to visit your D out-of-state.  Don't let yourself get isolated, because it's easy to lose all perspective when one is "forbidden" to see friends and family.  I did the same in my marriage to a pwBPD and it's a slippery slope that can lead to one forgetting what normal life is like.  At the end of the day, isolation is related to abuse, in my view.

I'm sorry to hear that you are back spending weekends at his place, but I'm sure you have your reasons.  Presumably you get something out of it, besides sex.  What is it?  What keeps you in it?

LuckyJim

[toomanyeggshells]

I'm sorry to hear that you are back spending weekends at his place, but I'm sure you have your reasons.  Presumably you get something out of it, besides sex.  What is it?  What keeps you in it?

That's the million dollar question Lucky Jim.  What do I get out of it?  A little companionship when he's not acting out, being miserable or verbally abusive.  That's about it.  The funny thing is I've actually said to him over the years that there's nothing I get out of the r/s that makes putting up with his crap worth it.  I really can't understand why I don't walk away for good.  Before I went to see him this past weekend, I told myself that he can be a nice person and that's why I was going to spend some time with him.  That's how he sucks me back in every single time.  Nice for a bit and then back to the BPD craziness.

I spent some time this weekend with a longtime friend and it was wonderful.  I told her what's been happening and then said to her "I just have to keep reminding myself why I left (so as not to go back)".  Her response was basically the same as yours - "why do you have to keep reminding yourself"  She's right ... .why do I have to remind myself how bad it was?  I lived it for 7 years and it was awful 90% of the time. 

I honestly feel like I'm making some forward motion in dealing with this and cutting myself loose completely, but every time I go back I just can't pinpoint why.  I seriously need to get back to these boards more often for some help.

[Lucky Jim]

What do I get out of it?  A little companionship when he's not acting out, being miserable or verbally abusive.  That's about it.  The funny thing is I've actually said to him over the years that there's nothing I get out of the r/s that makes putting up with his crap worth it.

Hello again, Toomany, Well, there's your answer.  Maybe you could enlist one of those friends to be your coach during the detaching process?  Having someone on your side who can look at your situation objectively might make a difference.  It did for me.   Detaching, in my view, involves undergoing short-term pain in exchange for long-term gain, which may seem a tall order.  Perhaps you lack a vision of how detaching might lead to greater happiness?  Perhaps you feel you deserve to be treated poorly?

LuckyJim

[toomanyeggshells]

I definitely don't feel that I deserve to be treated poorly.  I've never been treated like this, nor have I seen it in my marriage, my FOO or otherwise.  I feel that I have good sense of myself, am independent and strong-willed woman in my mid-50s. I'm not a young, know-nothing person who thinks this is the way it should be.  I know his behavior toward me is wrong and over the years, its made me resent him and lose my feelings toward him.  Why I feel that I still want his companionship sometimes is a question I need to look deep into myself for an answer to.

As to your other question ... .

Perhaps you lack a vision of how detaching might lead to greater happiness? 

... .the week that I didn't see him or speak to him was actually a very good week.  I felt happy, I made plans with friends I haven't seen in a while (because I pushed people to the back burner for him), I really did feel like a weight was lifted off me.  However, I did feel somewhat lonely.  I didn't really want to admit that to myself but I did.  This week long break happened over Thanksgiving so I had a long weekend off from work which left me too much time to think and dwell on the situation.  I'm not saying I would have stayed away if it was a regular 2-day weekend rather than a 4-day, but I may have felt different being kept busy with work.  I really don't know. 

What I do know if that I feel like I've made some progress over the last 3 months, first is that I finally moved out of the house.  Now that I've re-connected with some people over the last week, I'm going to continue to do that.  If he rages because I'm taking time away from "us" on the weekend, then I'll deal with it.  I have my own place to go now when I don't want to be around him.  Hopefully next time, I'll be able to stay away. 

I really appreciate your comments Lucky Jim 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey toomany, I'm happy to learn that you find my comments/inquiries useful!  Agree, I think you're making progress on finding your path.  Exploring the reasons why you continue to seek companionship from him is a worthwhile topic, in my view.   Having your own place, I think, will make a big difference.  My only break from my BPDxW's tantrums was the local motel, which provided a brief respite during the worst of her rages.  Yet it only afforded me a few hours of peace.  I encourage you to keep up connections with the friends and family you mention.  I became totally isolated -- like a prisoner of war -- which made me easier to manipulate!

LuckyJim

[lovenature]

give me any advice on how to stay NC forever next time (because there's always a next time), I'd be really glad to hear.

Think of how much of yourself you have sacrificed to try and please him, how much time you haven't spent with your daughters and friends because he wants you with him, how much drama and chaos was caused over what mature adults wouldn't be phased about.
I sacrificed lots of time trying to make things work with my ex. while going through the worst time of my life, time I should have spent doing things that brought me much needed peace, instead I was caretaking a mentally ill person with the emotional maturity of a 3 year old.

To remain NC for as long as you need to I would recommend that you compare the good to the bad in the relationship, and always remember that BPD is a serious mental illness; you can't rationalize the irrational.

[toomanyeggshells]

Think of how much of yourself you have sacrificed to try and please him, how much time you haven't spent with your daughters and friends because he wants you with him, how much drama and chaos was caused over what mature adults wouldn't be phased about.

I always think about that stuff, all the time, even when we were living together.  That was part of the problem because he wants me by his side 24/7.  At least not living with him, I have some breathing room during the week.  I'm working on the weekend issue and trying to figure things out.  Its been a long road but I do believe I'll get there.