Hi all,
I am a 32 yr old man who met a 28 yr old charming, seductive woman (with 2 kids age 2&3) and never realised what was going to come.
I will try not to bore you or ramble on too much but here's how things unfolded... .
We fell in love over the telephone (well almost) initially after meeting online, we would spend a lot of time texting and spend hours on the telephone most nights, and we met up about 3 weeks after, i acted very clingy and very touchy feely as i was very nervous, and i got a text saying hey i like you, your nice but i dont think it will work i am sure some other girl would love all that stuff but i was very uncomfortable. I apologised and explained that my nerves and 2 cans of red bull were the culprit and the reason i was clingy in sea life centre was because i am blind in one eye and didnt want to bump into anything
.
She came round (figuratively) and accepted my apology even said she was questioning why she had said this and would have contacted me if i hadnt sent her a youtube video of working my way back to you by the spinners and we agreed to meet up again but at hers because she was more comfortable being in her own environment so a week later i went to her house and we hit it off as did i with the kids, i wasnt as clingy and we had a great night.
Fast forward to 6 months in and she wants to split as she thought i was still too clingy (while all along saying all was fine and not hearing any complaints and being a bit more reserved with the touchy feely), i reason with her, the same night she says all will be ok and we should try and vary our routine, which we do for a little bit and i start asking weekly so when do you want to see me this week? And i stick to what she tells me.
Everything is going well for the next month (july) and we discuss things and she practically begging me to ask her to marry me which i do and she says yes, we have a party (her idea) in october and 2 weeks later she splits up with me.
So what led to the break up? In the 9 months we were together i had
1. Lost a job through naivety
2. Had to have my dog put down.
3. Had 2 other short term jobs i didnt like
4. Got a third job and liked it at first but then it got boring but i am still there doing well
5. Been told by my alcoholic father who seems to hate me to move out (i was out of work so i moved back in for a few months (knowing my father hated me)
6. Fallen out with my best friend which i will elaborate on shortly.
7. Had the following to deal with in the relationship... .
During our time there were several traits i noticed some after the honeymoon period but some all the way through... .
1. She was a helicopter parent (didnt know that term til recent but from day one she was all about the kids and struggled when not around them
2. Would start arguments over small things like not picking up my towel after a shower instead of just asking, sometimes getting very angry with little reason
3. Hated cuddling at bed time but indulged me from time to time
4. Sometime very busy doing other things such as planning our party, housework, facebook,
5. Kissed 2 girls on a night out and also started an argument because i was pissed off with my then bff grabbing her boob as a joke and also making peaodophile jokes (this latter significant as she found her ex was a peadophile when she was 8 and a half months pregnant with her 2nd child which i haf told my friend to avoid that subject).
6. Had only one good friend who they fall out from time to time and her sister as well as me were here closest connections that i know of anyway.
Other things of note were:
1. Narcissistic mother (for a fact) who lived miles away and rarely visits
2. Alcoholic father who cant even get his grandaughters name right and who lives 5 mins away but he never visitis even though he is single and could any day of the week
3. Was raped as a child
4. Has many, many promiscuous stories including gang bangs and threesomes
5. The peaodo ex as mentioned above who she was with for 9 years and cheated on as he was abusive in several ways and still has to maintain contact with due to the kids
6. Previous history of alcoholism
7. Several ailments including ibs, soriosis, joint problems
8. Very low level of attachment and nostalgia
9. Manipulative to get her way
10. Witholding sex for weeks at a time.
11. Didnt like talking about emotion.
Anyway those are but a few things, the reasons she gave for the break up (despite the mixed signals at the break up)
1. I started to become annoying all the time
2. We are on different emotional levels.
3. She didnt want sex unless she initiated it and when i tried she thought why should she if she doesnt want to (which i respect by the way and i never badgered her i would try from time to time to explore the possibillity but i am a man
4. Wanted to be independant and concentrate on her and her kids
5. Feels i deserve better someone who wants a child.
6. Only thinks of me as a friend now and has lost romantic feeling.
7. Felt maybe she was just lonely and looking for companionship looking back
Just a few days prior we were talking therapy for me due to the depression i felt and i said to her what if i tell the therapist about you and they tell me your one of the issues then stated even though i dont think you are the issue what if they get the wrong end of the stick, she reacted badly to this and seemed to jump on this to justify the break up by twisting it into something it wasnt meant to be.
We had minimal contact but only after the first 2 days of me trying to convince her of things being able to change if we set boundaries. 2 weeks later i sent her a letter after reading every forum and article i could find about attachment theory, posts like mine and advice from psycologist papers and articles on the subjects. I told her i accept 90% blame and listed the reason for my behaviour as the knight in shining armour type and specific things i would ensure would change including giving her more time and space even though she never asked when i told her if she needed it to just ask.
I poured my heart out (but in a healthy way about knowing i need to work on myself but understanding if she cant change her mind) and got a message saying i appreciate the letter but my feelings havent changed, i was a little naughty and told her i doubt she appreciated anything i have done for her, she replied with she did and regardless it wouldn't have made a difference.
I have left it there, that was yesterday, what i would like to know is in peoples opinion:
1. Is she BPD firstly or a narcissist or both?
2. You can never know for sure but is she likely to come back or has she split me black forever?
3. Can this ever work if she comes back?
4. If she does should i have her back?
Thanks for reading guys and girls i would appreciate any advice.
