My wife has BPD and I'm worried about the kids

[Regor]

I have a feeling that my marriage is going to end as I have put up with a person with BPD for 22 years! What is surprising is that I did not realize that she had BPD until only 2 years ago! I feel cheated that I wasted my youth on a person who is not capable of change. I am now just worried about the mental health of my children who are 14 and 8 as well as myself. I think have a major case of "sympathy fatigue" and feel totally burned out by life.

[standbyguy]

Hello,

I'm new here, and I'm sure others will have better and more relevant things to say. I'm not the right person to give you advice, that's what I'm trying to say.

I do want you to know that I was also in a long term relationship that ended (not that your is fated to end), and I found myself feeling like I had "wasted my youth" in that relationship. That was years ago, and I have some perspective now. I realize that during that time in my life, I grew and changed, I was given the chance to live and love, and I own the choice I made to stay with that person. I no longer feel like it was time wasted.

What I'm trying to say is that, given some time, you may also come to feel like those years were not wasted. This is particularly true when you have children. The fact that you have two children, and that you would probably not have those same two children had your life gone in another direction, is a hopeful and positive reaffirmation that your life has purpose, both in the past and going forward. It wasn't wasted. It was spent loving and learning.

Good luck.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Regor, Welcome!  Who knew?  I had never heard about BPD until a T suggested that I look at the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells, which happened 10 years into my marriage.  A BPD r/s can be exhausting, as you note.  I reached a point where there was nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak.  Your concern for your kids is natural.  The place to start, I suggest, is by returning the focus to YOU by treating yourself well, in order for you to determine what is the right path for you at this point.  If you're unsure, suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  And fill us in more, when you can.

LuckyJim

P.S.  Agree w/standbyguy that a BPD r/s provides a crucible for growth.

[Mutt]

Hi Regor,



I'm speaking for myself when I say this because I don't know if anyone else here has a psychology background, I'm not a professional and I couldn't give a diagnosis to my ex wife. I'm just a regular guy grinding it out at my job. Don't be hard on yourself, how are you supposed to know if you don't have a psych background?

I agree with Lucky Jim, a good place to start is self care if you feel mentally depleted. What do you like to do?

[SamwizeGamgee]

Welcome, welcome!
You are not alone, and probably not all that uncommon around here.  I hit my own rock bottom at 17 years of marriage.  I actually came across the term "Borderline Personality" in a book about intimacy in marriage at that point.  It caught my attention, and I studied more.  One revelation after another came to me.  That was almost two years ago now, and I can't believe the changes I have gone through.   I finally feel now that I have gone through the grief (and stages of grief as I got to acceptance and self-forgiveness).  I have gotten into a state of internal happiness in spite of the bleak, loveless marriage I am in.  I have five kids!  I can't rush into a divorce or go no contact, so I have to keep going slowly ahead.  I do feel that something has started to change inside of me just within a week or so.  But, more about that on a different day. 

I would like to respond to your feelings with what I have seen in myself.  In spite of what I consider deeply held religious beliefs about the importance of family and sanctity of marriage, I admit to myself that getting married has been the most expensive, most painful, most harmful, and most permanent mistake decision I made. And that is where I pause for a minute to realize that because of this ordeal I have been forced to become more compassionate, more understanding, more wholesome, more devoted of a father, more emotionally aware, and more healthy than any alternative could have produced in my life.  I ponder whether this path was, in fact, the best for me.  If I would have married a normal healthy woman, would I be so concerning with validating feelings?  Would I have read dozens of books and gone to such great lengths to learn about parenting, personality, emotions, abuse, personality disorders?  Would I have been the selfish abuser?
 
Who knows, but, with my kids now, I see value in my suffering (especially with the younger kids that I have been able to really be good to - after getting over the cloud of depression that was my former self due to an emotionally abusive marriage).

So, do I long for a different story to tell - the one in which I can say something good about marriage, or my wife, or life choices I made?
Yes, but, I have come to a place of great value by way of my suffering.  I consider myself a survivor, and a little wiser than I was, or could have been. 

And, I'm alive today. Each day the son comes up, is another chance to live a better life.  I won't be trapped forever.