Manners and Respect?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My exGF had very poor manners as did her kids and they didn't treat each other well often. There wasn't a whole lot of please, I'm sorry, or thank you's. Now in public she would be different but it seems she never understood basic respect and so many times I asked for it and I just don't think she was capable. Has anyone else experienced this?

[Duped 1]

My exGF had very poor manners as did her kids and they didn't treat each other well often. There wasn't a whole lot of please, I'm sorry, or thank you's. Now in public she would be different but it seems she never understood basic respect and so many times I asked for it and I just don't think she was capable. Has anyone else experienced this?

[CooperD]

Hi Duped,

Yeah I experienced the same thing.

My BPD would expect me to open and close car doors for her every time she got in and out (which I would do as she told me thats what a gentleman always does and I learnt to obey to avoid being attacked). She would rarely say thank you and if i questioned that she would just say "thats what gentleman always do".

My BPD was also very disrespectful to staff in shops / taxi drivers / on the telephone to people etc. She would speak to them like they were beneath her - almost with contempt when they couldn't answer her questions, shout at them and threaten them.

One of the WTF moments we had regarding respect was when I had just paid for a 200 dollar meal for us - we arrived back to the hotel exhausted and she asked if I would go and get her iced water from the hotel lobby (it was at disney so the lobby was a 10 min walk at midnight). I put up a boundary and said NO but i can get you tap water to which she replied " your a fxxing arsxxole".  She then refused to sleep in the same bed as me as my punishment. Must add to this it was in the princess disney room that I had also paid for at her request.

What a fool I was

[Duped 1]

Isn't it great to be appreciated Cooper. I spent about $750 on her birthday counting gifts and a surprise road trip (which is 5x what she spend on me on my birthday just to put in in context). A couple days after she says in a very condescending manner: "send f****ng flowers to my workplace. It was my birthday"... .

[Curiously1]

my ex is so embarrassing to be with to be honest in regards to her manners.
She is a slob... very messy/chaotic and does not respect the environment she is in.
Everyone is different though. Not all pwBPD are alike.
Some are pretty self conscious about mannerisms. I know another pwBPD who is the very opposite of my ex.

[beggarsblanket]

Whatever manners she had she may have mirrored from me. I could give a litany of examples of her tactless behaviour with others, e.g. talking about intimate subjects at work, talking too loudly about intimate things in public generally, getting suddenly so excited that she would cry out, leap, bang on things, climb things. It didn't matter where she was or who she was with. She seemed to be aware of her excesses in some general way. She described herself as poorly socialized. I remember once complaining when she discussed some of my personal matters loudly in public. She said if she did it again, I should ask her to use her "quiet voice." I assume she's been coached on it. Evidently the lesson didn't stick.

It's as if she is cognitively an adult but socially or morally an impudent child. It's sad to see such a bright person trapped in such a prison.

[CooperD]

Beggarsblanket I relate very much to what you wrote.

My BPD would love to play up in public as she knew how much I hated that. 

She would raise her voice, randomly ask other peoples opinions about me actually in front of me ! about whether they thought  I was a bad boyfriend because of the million bad things I had supposedly done to her.  Just imagine a random stranger walking up to you in the street and saying " this is my boyfriend - he wees on the toilet seat sometimes dont you think thats disgusting " she would actually pull stuff like that on me to embarrass me.

I would also notice her looking round in the hope that other people were listening to her castigating me - like she wanted validation and acknowledgement of her actions.  So utterly depressing to think back to it.

[Duped 1]

Mine would not act up in public as she was absolutely terrified of what others thought of her. Social anxiety issues. In fact if I would raise my voice even slightly she would tell me to shut up or shut your fn mouth because she didn't want to draw any attention to us as we would be judged by others. She said she knew this because she was constantly judging others.

[Pretty Woman]

Mine had zero boundaries... .like grinding my friend's dad at her wedding! In front of my friend's mom.  She once made out with a friend of ours in front of me, just because she wanted to see what it was like to kiss her.

When I think of all the effed up embarrassing things she did I find myself very grateful to not be in that situation anymore. My new girlfriend is extremely polite and would never behave like this.

and I trust her. I trust her completely.

[Recovering480]

Haha. Wow, this brought back some memories. Thanks!

I don't have electronic locks on my truck. I always opened and closed the door for her. She NEVER reached over and unlocked my side. Every other girl I dated would do so. It's a small thing, but it would bug me. I never said anything though. Oh, and she never locked the door. I had to wait for her to get out and I'd lean over and lock it. I think one time I said something. Her excuse: "We always take my car, how am I supposed to remember?"

It was a power trip.

A few weeks ago, she insisted we drive to a store to get cigarettes. I was exhausted and she was very very drunk. I said no, it was time for bed. She called me a "sh***y boyfriend". I went inside to brush my teeth and she disappeared. No wallet, no phone. I drove around looking for her and finally went home. She was there. No explanation.

It was a double standard. If I dreamed of doing the things she pulled off, it would start an epic battle.