In the midst of divorce...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello All,

First post here. I am in the midst of a divorce from my best friend and wife of 10 years. As far as I know she has never been diagnosed with BPD (she was treated for bipolar before we met and both of us have anxiety and depression). But her mother does have a personality disorder, as well as bipolar and schizophrenia, and my mother-in-law has abandoned and abused my wife intermittently for her entire life.

The suddenness and madness of the breakdown of our marriage, and our relationship in general, has left me reeling. Though I am in no position to diagnose, articles here and elsewhere lead me to believe that my wife has been exhibiting signs of BPD throughout our life together. Certainly the circumstances of our separation share striking similarities with accounts by those who have separated from partners with BPD.

Articles in the "Insights" section of this website have given me my first peace of mind in nearly five months. So thank you to the site's creators and contributors for that!

[Bamboo]

Hello All,

First post here. I am in the midst of a divorce from my best friend and wife of 10 years. As far as I know she has never been diagnosed with BPD (she was treated for bipolar before we met and both of us have anxiety and depression). But her mother does have a personality disorder, as well as bipolar and schizophrenia, and my mother-in-law has abandoned and abused my wife intermittently for her entire life.

The suddenness and madness of the breakdown of our marriage, and our relationship in general, has left me reeling. Though I am in no position to diagnose, articles here and elsewhere lead me to believe that my wife has been exhibiting signs of BPD throughout our life together. Certainly the circumstances of our separation share striking similarities with accounts by those who have separated from partners with BPD.

Articles in the "Insights" section of this website have given me my first peace of mind in nearly five months. So thank you to the site's creators and contributors for that!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Bamboo-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through a divorce from your best friend and wife, very painful and confusing, especially when your partner exhibits traits of a personality disorder.  Not unique around here however, we understand, and it's great you've also gotten value from the articles on the site; it can be a huge relief and can eliminate a lot of confusion when we read descriptions that describe our partner very well, like people understand and you're not alone.  There's also a lot of value in telling us your story here, it can be cathartic, and can lead to connecting with folks who are in similar situations, as we all heal and grow together, so we look forward to hearing more.

[Tobiasfunke]

Sorry bud. Hope we can help. This site has been very helpful to me since the final discard. I was married to mine for 10 years as well and would also considered her my best friend up until the last few weeks we were together. Very surreal but as you will see not uncommon or unique around here. I feel very lucky to have found this site. Good luck on your healing journey.

[Bamboo]

I'm not sure if this is the proper place to post, but I wonder about the role of unconditional love in a relationship like this. My parents and siblings always considered my wife as much a member of our family as any blood relative. Now most everyone is hurt and angry, due to recent interactions with her but particularly about the damage she has done to me.

My parents are loving and giving people. They are also Christians who live their faith through their actions. So unconditional love is a concept with which they well-versed. Today my mother told me she needs to let go of my wife, to protect herself, to focus her love on the family that remains. I can't seem to do that, and I think my desire to demonstrate unconditional love to this person is a big stumbling block.

[joeramabeme]

My parents are loving and giving people. They are also Christians who live their faith through their actions. So unconditional love is a concept with which they well-versed. Today my mother told me she needs to let go of my wife, to protect herself, to focus her love on the family that remains. I can't seem to do that, and I think my desire to demonstrate unconditional love to this person is a big stumbling block.

Hi Bamboo, Welcome to BPD Family and sorry to hear about what you are going through.  I went through this very same thing at this time last years from an 11 year marriage.  It is surreal and practically indescribable and the only relief I felt was from coming to this site.

I would like to offer a couple of words here to consider.  Your desire to demonstrate unconditional love is admirable and I am sure you will achieve your ideals.  However, at this moment, you are probably more like someone sitting on an operating table practicing healing principles with a knife still stuck in your heart.  My guess is that you are in a state of shock and disbelief and are in deep pain?

Uncovering the emotional impacts of having lived with someone that has BPD, a serious emotional illness,  is a process and will take some time.  Given yourself some space to heal.  I think the unconditional part is in the second half of the healing process. 

Are you two still living together?  Is she a Christian too?  Have your family read any of the literature on BPD?

[sad but wiser]

Unconditional love does not mean a relationship without appropriate boundaries.  Even Jesus, upon healing and forgiving, would say, "Go then, and sin no more."  It does not help another person for you to be a martyr or a victim.  Quite the opposite.  If your partner is unsure of the walls, she will seek them by pushing to find them.  We call this "acting out."  It can be very scary to be in a relationship with no boundaries... .it is as though the other person doesn't care what you do, which is the same as if you didn't exist.  You could be anyone.
  I am so sorry you are going through this!  It is very hard!

[Bamboo]

Thank you both for your responses. To answer your questions joeramabeme, we are no longer living together and neither of us are Christians, though I was raised with those values. Definite shock, disbelief, and deep pain.

Based on my wife's words and actions over the past few months, it seems she may not understand what it means to give and receive unconditional love. And for whatever reason that has been one of the most difficult things for me to accept.

My parents and sister have read BPD literature and agree everything seems to fit. Though after months of pain and confusion, everyone in the immediate family has expressed a need to refocus and seek healing.

[joeramabeme]

Based on my wife's words and actions over the past few months, it seems she may not understand what it means to give and receive unconditional love. And for whatever reason that has been one of the most difficult things for me to accept.

This is likely another one of those "things are not what they seem" situations that we all experience with our BP exes.  I am speculating here, but I would venture a guess that your wife does understand unconditional love but is not in a place that she can show it - at least with you.

pwBPD are driven by fears that once triggered dictate actions.  Though they talk and act as if making decisions from free will, it is closer to truth that most of these triggered behaviors/decisions/words/actions are primarily driven by rote fear patterns that have been ingrained as a response to earlier developmental deficiencies. 

Many of us believe that our exes still secretly really care about us, and in all likelihood they probably do but once triggered will not show that vulnerable side as it is unsafe. 

Much of this will take time.  Keep reading and keep posting.

[lovenature]

Today my mother told me she needs to let go of my wife, to protect herself, to focus her love on the family that remains. I can't seem to do that, and I think my desire to demonstrate unconditional love to this person is a big stumbling block.

Your Mom is doing what is best for all concerned.

You have a significantly different relationship to your wife of course; showing unconditional love to an emotionally mature adult partner is how a healthy relationship is maintained as long as BOTH partners do the same. BPD is a very serious mental illness that prevents a person who has it from accepting unconditional love; the more you love them and the closer you get, the more they hurt you and push you away.

Take care of yourself Bamboo during this very tough time you are going through.

[KarmasReal]

Hey Bamboo,

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I would like to also say that each and every person here has gone through something similar and we all empathize and know how difficult and painful this is. We all lost someone who we loved that we didn't want or need to lose. They may have been perfect for us but a psychological disorder has no feelings and can not love or be stopped. This disorder rules not only that persons life but everyone close to that person, and we has healthy people can not love that way forever it will take its toll physically, mentally, and emotionally, until we are shells of our selves. We need to always remember that.

Despite that fact we as fairly mentally healthy people can not grasp this, not logically not emotionally. We don't understand why someone we love and were there for through so much could do or say the things that can hurt us worse than any knife. Can rip our souls just on a whim. It makes coping even that much harder. But luckily our wounds will heal in time, sad to say that theirs will never heal. We must understand this and make it a stepping stone to acceptance of the situation.

If I may ask, you never went into any detail of what led to toe divorce, or the signs and symptoms of BPD stour wife had shown? If you would like to share maybe that would help and getting some feedback on that from us members could help you understand more of what you are going through right now.

[Hisaccount]

Christians, though I was raised with those values.

Interesting, so did you fall away from those beliefs or still have them? Do you got to church?

Because of my BPD wife I stopped going. I am starting to see that I idolized her. Still working that one out.

But I have gone back to church and I do believe if I would have kept God at the center of our relationship we would still be working on it.
If she doesn't believe then your journey is much more difficult.

Never the less go back to church. Remember that your salvation is more important than anything here on earth.
Also remember that if God can't fix it, then nobody can.

I am starting to wonder if, even as much as it hurts, my wife leaving is Gods way of saying I have something way better for you ahead.

[Bamboo]

KarmasReal, throughout our relationship my wife would periodically cut people from her life. There was always a reason -- a slight, not responding to her calls/emails -- so it seemed somewhat acceptable. In hindsight there were other signs: moving goalposts, extreme hot and cold with me and her friends and family, contradictory words and behaviors.

This summer she told me she made out with another man during a bachelorette party and said she wanted a divorce. She does not consider that cheating, and when I confronted her, over the phone, about her actions she told her father and aunt that she was afraid for her safety. This last bit has been difficult to process, because while I can get very upset at times and say hurtful things, I am by nature a gentle person and I have never been physically abusive to anyone in my life.

My wife did not move out right away. But after a disastrous attempt at divorce counseling, we went on separate summer "vacations" to visit family, which kept us apart for several weeks. Upon returning home from her trip, my wife packed a bag and moved in with her coworker's aunt while I was at work. For the next two months she would stop by weekly to gather belongings, and the relationship became increasingly strained. She began digging up things I had said and done to hurt her in the recent and distant past, blaming me for the dissolution of our marriage, for not knowing a divorce was coming, saying I was controlling her actions and twisting her words. It's telling that our cats, who we raised from young kittens, hid from her when she was home.

During this time she also had two apartments fall through, one under strange circumstances. As much as I didn't want her to leave, living with her belongings and half packed boxes, having to see her weekly or clear out of our home so she could return, was devastating. I was also very concerned for her wellbeing due to an apparently unstable landlord who was using the return of a security deposit to stalk and control her. She was losing weight, struggling with insomnia, self-medicating with alcohol and taking an anti-anxiety drug.

Over the phone she threatened suicide when I told her I had been in communication with a lawyer, even though our mediator recommended that we seek legal counsel individually. According to my sister-in-law, my wife believes she is somehow a victim in all of this. That our entire family is against her, and that no one attempted to reach out to her after she said she wanted a divorce (which is not true). So she has cut off all contact and blocked me and my family and friends on social media. The last time we met, after a mediation meeting, she was dressed uncharacteristically and acting like a different person. She said some very hurtful and accusatory things and suggested splitting up our cats, even though they have been together their entire lives and as far as she knows her new apartment doesn't allow cats... .

There is so much more, but those are the broad strokes.

[sad but wiser]

Dear Bamboo,
I am so sorry your life is this way right now.  All of these things are pretty characteristic of a marriage breaking up when BPD is involved.  She desperately needs to feel like "the victim" even when she causes chaos, burns her bridges and treats her family very badly.  To her mind, she is excused to act however she wants and people should be more understanding because... .she's "the victim" and "it isn't her fault."
   How well I remember!  And mine was a man. (Well, a very young boy in a man's body.)  Clearing out the house, filing for seperation, then wanting counseling and threatening suicide when I counter-sued for divorce.  Dragging up old hurts, both real and imagined.  Turning to alcohol and making sure the reports got back to me.
  These are just what they do.  Our job is to decide and act upon our own knowledge and reasoning.  To rise above their chaos, see clearly and act rightly.  And we are hear to listen and help.

[Bamboo]

Whether this is actually BPD we're dealing with, I truly appreciate the support and affirmation of this forum. Thank you, all who have responded.

Hisaccount, though I was raised in the church, organized religion has never worked for me. I do believe in a higher power and hope these experiences will lead to more wisdom and better times ahead.