"No Contact" when you have no other family?

[heartofglass]

For 10 years, my mom isolated my husband and I from the rest of my family, so we only had her and my dad (and being her only family left, I was sucked right into the FOG). But now my Dad is gone, I'm gradually going NC with my mom. As of now, she has no idea, and just assumes I'm not talking to her because I'm struggling with grief. I didn't see her on Thanksgiving, and now I am hoping to avoid seeing her at Christmas too.

As a mom with two very young children, this is hard on me. They sometimes ask about grandma. The reason I moved close to my parents in the first place was the hope of being surrounded by family who would be there to watch my kids grow up and celebrate holidays with. I naively thought my mom would finally be a happier, nicer person if she lived near her grandchildren. (At least my dad got a brief chance to enjoy it.)

We have rough plans to move closer to my DH's family, but we are still unsure if this is even possible. My husband doesn't even want to make a decision until next year because it's a huge risk. So we are stuck here not sure if we can even leave, with very young kids and zero family support. (I have no desire to reconnect with the rest of my family here either, because they are all my mom's relatives. My dad's relatives are unfortunately all dead now.)

Any suggestions on how to cope with no family support when you have little kids? I feel like I've not only lost my dad, but my mom too, all in one year. (After 10 years of having them as our only family.)

[Fie]

Hello Heartofglass  

I can relate to you.
I am a single mum with one daughter, she's 8. My mother is BPD, my dad has NPD traits and is an enabler. I am pretty much NC with them.
It has not been easy to figure out what I want : NC, or contact on their conditions. I choose the first. It was hard because I had my child to consider. She has not really had the dysfunction from my mum (yet). At first I felt guilty and sad about not being able to give a family to my child. Now I see it differently. She won't have to put up with all of the abnormalities of my FOO.
I let her phone however. Also my parents can visit her - but it's their choice not to.

Over the course of the years I have developed some coping mechanisms for this loneliness. I have some good friends, who also take an interest in the life of my child. Some of them have children of their own, and we organize sleep overs regularly. This way I am meeting my friend while my daughter has her friend to play with, too. I try to regard my friends as family and this is an attitude I try to teach my daughter too : family does not necessarily mean you are blood related. The father of my child married a woman who is very good to her, she's also considered family, as well as the nieces of this lady.

Generally I think we are doing just fine. I wish I had a family to turn to, but I don't. Sometimes it gets lonely, but I cannot change it... .At some point in my life we had an au pair who helped out with cooking, picking my daughter up from school, ... now I don't really need this anymore since my working hours are quite flexible, and I can work from home often too.

Generally I have this attitude of having an open house towards the friends of my child (and towards my friends of course). We often have children coming over to play on days when there is no school and I encourage this. She may not have a large family, but she sure is not lonely.

Regarding my FOO, I am very honest about it all towards my daughter. On a child level, I tried to explain why we don't visit them. Most important of all I want her to know that none of this is her fault, and that it is my mother who does not react normally to people. I also think it's healthy to show my child that I have boundaries with my FOO - something I was never allowed to have, and thus had to learn as an adult.

Visiting these boards helped me a lot, too. Reading the stories of others, recognizing things from my own life, ... .it all contributes to having this feeling of being able to cope. It is just wonderful that some people just get it. In real life I am just not able to explain to people how it was for me to grow up with my mum.
 I just came back from a three weeks travel. At the end of it everything became a bit much, and I was getting a bit homesick. Logging in into these boards and reading the stories somehow made me feel home a bit before I actually got back home.

I don't know if this helped or if it was an answer to your question at all ? I did not want to hijack your post, I hope I at least gave you some ideas on how to cope without family.

[Notwendy]

Hi Heartofglass,

I can relate to your situation. My father was the only parent I emotionally related to as a parent. Although I am not NC with BPD mom, I really didn't have emotional support from her anyway. With or without contact with her, I raised my kids without extended family support. Having mom visit is like having a child as a guest. Since I was about 12 I was parentified, with her needs being the main focus of the family.

When my father died, I felt orphaned, even as a middle age woman. My mother also painted me black to her FOO so I lost relationships with uncles, aunts, and cousins. I was despondent. I had the choice to go NC with her, but it didn't feel right to me and at her age, I felt it was not something I could do but others here have made that choice.

Is there anyone on your father's side you could contact? Chances are, your mother alientated them from your father and you kids. At one point, they may have felt broken hearted just like you do. I kept in touch with my father's FOO, but after his death, I got even closer to them. They became my family. My kids felt like his sister was more of a grandma to them than my mother is. She told me she wished she could have done more for us kids, but they didn't like my mother and that created issues.

I am very grateful to my father's FOO for their support when I was grieving. If you don't have family on his side, reach out to friends, get therapy, whatever support you need. When I look back, it was my father's FOO and good friends who were there for me, not my mother or her FOO, but the reality was- they weren't there for me in the first place.

[Turkish]

I like Fie's ideas. 

As the only child of a single mother,  I found my "tribe" on my own,  people who to this day I consider brothers.  I wouldn't underestimate reaching out to others in the community as a kind of extended family, even as sad as it might be not to have blood relatives in this role.  Speaking as such a child,  I wouldn't underestimate the positive impact trusted non family can have.