When this stuff comes up for me and my brain is like eggs being beaten, I step back and try to consult my intuition - usually very reliable. What is yours saying?
It's weird. I think it's just cognitive dissonance all over again or focusing too much on good or bad aspects of her. I feel 'bad' or 'guilty' for loving someone who has mistreated others. Other times I feel indifferent because I never felt like a victim by her actions. I woke up feeling like the whole relationship and caring so much for this type of person was but a dream.
There are moments where I am more peaceful and other times where I still think about how horrible she got and just think about it.
But the good news is I don't feel like I have a dependency on her anymore. I don't feel like I really need her. I don't feel that longing or that she is the only person I can love type of feeling I used to have. I don't feel like she is the key to my happiness. I can function day to day, feel happy and do the things I need to do for myself. I have survived my emotional turmoil.
I still have compassion for her even after hearing her friend's story and how my ex mistreated her. In a way, I feel *****d up to have empathy or still have a love or care for such an abusive person? But that's how I feel right now. I can't really pick a side.I feel sorry for the replacement. I also know my ex is very troubled and still concerned about her.
And if she is more of a NPD or ASPD, then it would mean it was all usery and no real emotions there but that's not the point, I know. The issue I had before knowing all of this from the replacement was my ego and not wanting the possibility of her having loved the replacement just as much or more than she did with me. I find out she didn;t anyway. I was so fixated on their friendship when actually she had another person I did not know about, ready as backup as well. I was caught up on the reasons why she left me and assuming she got back into a relationship with her friend when actually that was not the case. The friend did not have what my ex wanted in a gf it seems but still, she used her, and drained the amount of care the friend had left for her.
She was never that abusive to me. The friend has a history of sexual abuse and has certain triggers. Apparently my ex would deliberately set them off, such as raise her hand, and then her friend would have flashbacks etc. I am getting the picture that my ex is the type of person who is fine with causing deliberate harm to someone else if you allow her to do so.
I have a big head thinking I know my ex best and nobody can handle my ex like I can but I really need to stop that. I deserved so much better. And yet, I stil feel supportive of my ex if she needs a friend.
With that said, my intention was to remain civil with my ex as my ex had wanted to stay friends before I decided to go NC but after what I have heard she has done to her friend, again, I just don't know if that is 'morally' right anymore. That I am "bad" by association. The whole, should I pick a side?
What is also ****d up about my side of things is that, I like the validation in knowing I am painted white and that I am still considered as back up. I don't want to be with her but I like the feeling of being valuable to her and that it just simply did not work out because I mention things such as therapy. Perhaps I've asociated this too much with love. That she cannot let me go completly. Beyond that, she has spoken well of me for the most part. I need to reflect on that some more perhaps. Why be there for someone who won't ever be there for me as much as I am to them. But then, I feel as though I don't need her to be there for me anyway, I am fine and that it's ok to care about her? Why do I still care so much about caring about her from afar etc. Do I have to question this?
My intuition is telling me that there is a lot of trouble going that does not need involve me anymore. I have definitely projected too much of my own worldview onto her to have me believe she can have just as much empathy as I do or cares as much as others as I do. Everything on my end is resolved now and I can relax my mind. I've pieced most if not all of the puzzle. The parts that are important to know about her. I'm safe. I am the one who can change and actually have a better life and start again with someone better. My intuition is telling me that she is not the type of person that I can be happy with but it doesn't stop me from caring about her...
