My ex-gf Clearly has BPD but...

[Jitox]

Hi I am Jitox,

To get this started, I am 25 and I've had 3 longs relationships.( 3years 3years and 2 years ).
Recently I was just in my 4th relationship, which only lasted 5 months. That was the longest relationship she had.
She is 17 years old... .This was already a hard bridge to cross when we started out. Allthough our feelings for eachother were intense. I only describe it by saying:" I have never ever felt this much love from a person even not in these other 3 relationships that lasted and were well going ". I'm a pretty resonable guy, I got 3 older sisters, they mostly call me a guy who knows how to handle the girls. BUT I'm everything but a "playboy". I Always try to get the best out of everything and fight my way through problems. I really hate giving up. So here it goes:

I was in some kind of friends with benefits situation with a girl from another country. I was into her and she was into me but we both knew she had to go back after 3months. So she went back and I went on with my life thinking I wont meet someone that I would like as much the next few weeks. But I couldn't help it. I really fell for her, it came out of no where. I felt amazing, She is the most beautifull girl that I have ever seen. ( that's how I feel and still feel ). Her smile, her face, her eyes, her body, her legs, her breast size, her hips,... .Everything, the whole package. Apparantly she knows a friend of mine and she starts talking to me. I know a bit about her, she is quiet impulsive, but that doesn't scare me. We started it off with her knowing about the girl(from the other country). I explain the situation and either way, she kinda pulled me in and was joking around that she was my rebound. A week past, I haven't even left her one day, she slept with me everyday. Ofcourse ive been noticing she had scares on her(she doesn't really hide them either, it's a reminder she says from bad times) but I couldn't help feeling bad about the fact that she was still telling people she was just a rebound. So I told her:" you got to stop this, cause I really like you and you are not just a stupid rebound. I'm really serious about this, but if we do this, promise me you will never hurt yourself again, cause It would hurt me so much if I knew you would do that." She was really happy about it, promised me she would never do it(and till today she still did not as far as I know) and we started it off the next day. Because we passed the jewelery shop and I told her she could pick a ring, I would give her that ring as a token of my trust. Like some kind of trust ring. I think I have never seen someone so happy with a ring.
A week past and I started noticing her being very insecure, even tho we were together everyday and after me spelling out my love for her daily or atleast showing her a lot of it. I'm not really that kind of a pusher. But she really wanted to stay with me everytime and I was happy with that. Whatever she wanted as long as I can do my thing when I want to it's fine. In that week she was in bed and I went downstairs to grab some snacks cause we were going to watch a movie. I come back up and notice her snooping around in my Phone. She read all the messages that me and the girl from the other country had over Messenger. But those messages were all from befor her. She went super pist:" I want you to remove her from Facebook, Do you still love her? Do you miss her? Do you have feelings for her? Is she still texting you? Why are you doing this?" But like I said i'm a reasonable guy:" Baby don't worry, calm down, I have no feelings for her, just you! I don't think removing her on Facebook will change the situation, but if thats what it takes for you to believe me. I will do that, even tho I think thats mean to ask." She:" How can you even not remove her! you should remove her!" She started crying and I felt so bad... .So yea ... .I removed her.
3 weeks past, with some kind of ups and downs, I was still unknowing of BPD. But yea we had some sort of fights were she starts yelling really hard about something that for me seems very little. example:" Do you like these shorts?" me:" yea ". Her:" why are you not enthousiastic about it". Me:" I am? " her: "no you don't like em at all, you don't like my shorts , your parents don't like my shorts, I just wanna wear what I want and people to like me... ." Me:" Baby , I like you, it doesn't mather what you are wearing, I like that you can fit any style, it's what makes you you." her: " So i have no style?"... .This would go on for about an hour or so. After her yelling stuff me going outside smoking a cigaret. Checking in again if she would be fine and she was still yelling, I do this 5 times or so cause she keeps yelling:" GET THE F* AWAY FROM ME, GO AWAY, IF YOU DONT GO AWAY I WILL THROW SOMETHING AT YOU". But Always after the 5th time, I would find her in a corner of the room, sitting down crying, with a blinket, drinking a glass of wine. So I go to her hug her, cry myself cause I just can't see her crying:" It's okay , let's go for a drive and smoke a cigaret." The mood totally changed:" Yes, I would like that, I love you, she kisses me and we go to the car and drive around".
This is an example of 1 of the 3 fights we would have every week. But I can't help it, I love her, I can't let her go.
We are together for 2months. We got into one of those fights, but this time, I'm having a hard time keeping control, I couldn't help it. She keeps going and going and going. I explode, it still hurts... .I walk down the stairs cause I feel like i'm the one to blame for her hating me at the single moment. She follows me and says:" YOU BETTER GO" I can't even remember what the fight was about. I NEVER yell , I NEVER lose controle. But then I turned around... .and Yell:" NOW YOU WILL SHUT THE F* UP AND LISTEN TO ME ONCE, YOU NEED TO HAVE SOME RESPECT, I'M DOING EVERYTHING I CAN HERE" I hit the wall, with my fist, it hurts:" AND NOW I AM OFF AS YOU TOLD ME TO FOR THE PAST 30MIN BYEEE". She was stunned, she didn't speak, she looked like she saw a monster. I went to my favorite bar with a friend. Drank one beer, felt like BAD for 1hour and 30min, talked about it. I'm thinking:"I am going text her and see how it's going maybe if I stay at her place or she at mine tonight. I mean we just had a fight right?" So I do that. I get a reply:" what the heck ? " So I reply:" we just had a fight ? right? cmon? i'm sorry I bursted out?" She calls me... .Only 2hours have past on this point, she is crying:" Hey , I don't think you want to see me anymore, after what I did... ." Me:" what did you do?" she:" i just had sex with my ex boyfriend." At this point I was totally crushed. We did not have so much sex cause she has some medication for a depression and also for not getting pregnant ofcourse. Which really works on your need for sex , so I read. So I was broken , angry, sad... .She keeps texting me: "I am so sorry, i need you, i love you, come and pick me up, can't we talk about it,... .for 2hours she keeps this up." I just can't stop loving her and feeling the strenght to forgive her. So I do, relationship goes on, for about another 3months. More or less the same a few fights a week. But I like to kind of think it went really well for 2months. She feels bad about not willing to have sex with me. But we have some here and there , about once a week. She feels like I want to have sex all the time and she can't give it to me. So the day befor we broke up, It was my fault totally F*ed up. She was giving me signs to have sex I didn't see them. She told me if I don't want to be with her that i have to go away yet again. I couldn't take it anymore. I'm a really certain guy, I started to doubt everything about myself. So that day, I left... .
Not one day passes and she finds herself another BF posted on Facebook that they are in a relationship. I drink myself to a completely smashed state and have sex with a girl at her place... .
A week passes no contact with her, nothing. Trying to forget her, I felt like a drink again, and this girl I had sex with was in my bar again and wants me to come over again. I'm drunk (I am not an alcoholic ) I tell her I am in no position to have a relationship so. But she says na it's fine just sex. So It happend.
3days pass It's Monday 21/11/2016, we have been appart for 10days now. She texts me:" I miss you". I text her back:" I miss you 2, but it's not that simple and you are in a relationship." It's not the same she says and the conversation stops.
The next day she asks me to come over to her place and smoke a cigaret. So we do that and talk, all I hear is , this guy is not you and you are all I need and want. I'm happy but scared. I'm here for her but i'm going to try and take it slow. She is still together with this guy anyway. She wants me to sleep over that night. So i stay over and sleep, I wanna take it slow and she says she wants that too. So the next day I go to uni, and around 1Pm I get this message:" I'm waiting on my food, cause ive got a my lunch break now." Me:" have a nice meal x" She:" I'm lonely" me:" so i'll come over?" she:" I would like that !" We talk some more she says she really loves me and misses me. She is going to tell the other guy they are done. She does so later that day. I pick her up ask her how it went and i kiss her. She then replies:" don't push me". me:" i'm sorry you are right, Want me to just drop you off home and then ill go home ?" she:" Doesn't mather". So i sleep over again. The day after she starts to talk about living together in an appartment in september. I'm confused, we barely are together, i'm not allowed to push her, but her she comes to me talking about living together. I tell her i wanna see where it goes but, yea in the future i would like that, we were planning that when we were together anyway. I sleep with her again that day. In the morning i feel like i want answers:" soo what is this thing we have now?" she:" I TOLD YOU NOT TO PUSH ME, SO STOP PUSHING ME." me:" you are right i'm sorry". I leave for uni and let it be.
She texted me 4hours later:" tell me when you are done, sorry i was so rude this morning". A smile on my fac.
I text her when i'm done:" hey i'm done whats up" She :" wanna drive me to the dokter". me:"sure". In the care she hugs me , kisses me and gives me the key from her place and says:" we will be okay! together!". We have a movie evening, hugging and kissing. We go to bed, it's Saturday now. This evening , I have a party with 10 girls... .It's from that bar i'm mostly at. All the barmaids are doing a bar walk and i'm the beerb___. (I know em all very well, barwalk= drinking a beer at a bar and going to the next bar untill we done most good bars in our little village) She was going out with 4friends of mine. I'm drunk so drunk... .this girl I had sex with 2 times is at our last bar stop. She tries to flirt with me, she askes me to dance etc... .I might be drunk, but I love my gf, endlessly. So I keep refusing, about 10times. I go to my older sister who was also there. I started crying from emotions: " tell the girl to leave me alone, you know i love my gf". My sister:" come lets go outside sit down and smoke" I am such an emotional drunk:" I don't want to cheat on her, I love her, I wanna be with her and hug her and I want everyone to stop hating her! My sister:" If she goes for you 100% and you love her this much I am in it with you all the way bro" Even no writing this , it ment the world to me that she respects my decision. So I text my gf:" where you at" The reply I get:" I am on the way home soon, but i kissed with a girl all night and with a random dude. " again ... .i am broken. I love her but I need to have limits. She texts me multiple textsts with:" I'm so sorry, it will never happen again, I love you and only you, you are the only one for me, it ment nothing what i did today, really you are my everything." I arrive at her place, grab my bad, she says:" what are you doing?" me:" I just want to sleep at home today because I can't be with you tonight". This just ended everything. She went super angry. She never wants to see me again, she blocked my number, she blocked my Messenger... .she is telling people i'm aggeressive and that i'm a manipulating son of a b___. It hurts, now I read about BPD. It still hurts, I still love her.

Sorry for my english ( 3th language )
Greets Jitox

[heartandwhole]

Hi Jitox,



You've been through a lot. I'm sorry to hear that things are going badly in your relationship. It hurts so much to be separated from someone we love. I'm glad you reached out for support. Although I know it's painful now, you've come to the right place for support and tools to help you feel better. Things really DO get better, I can assure you. They did for me, and they can for you, too. 

Of course this hurts and you still love your girlfriend. Those are very normal feelings. We've all been there, and understand. At the moment, she has blocked you from contacting her, so you have an opportunity to get off the roller coaster and take a moment to think about what you want and need going forward. We're here to support you as you go through the process.

I recommend that you take very good care of yourself during this time. The shock of the breakup can send us into unhealthy behavior that only makes things worse. Are you eating and getting enough sleep? Can you lean on your friends and family for support? It's important to surround yourself with people who care about you right now.

When I first got here, my head was spinning and I felt shattered. This article was so helpful for me:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Your girlfriend may change her mind (again) about breaking up. Have you thought about how you'll handle that?

Keep writing, it really helps to get it down. Let us know how we can best support you.

heartandwhole

[Jitox]

Hi heartandwhole,

Thank you for the reply, I am fine, I'm a hard nut to crack. Ive got a big social network. Ive been talking to people. I'm just afraid that I am not hoping to much for her to come back. For everyone it makes no sense, "she cheated on you, she is mean to you, she is awefull". It pains me, ALOT! What she tries to do to me, is all but useless lies and tbh it hurts me to see her do that, because people are in disbelief and that hurts her social life more then mine. Ofcourse we fought about it a bit after. But then I started asking question to myself. WHY? Why would she say all these lies? Does she believe them? Everyone knew we got back together. It came out of her mouth. She says:" No, we didn't even have anything, Nothing". I thought all these months and the past week was a lie. But then I started my research. I just realise it's all but a lie. The only thing that is a lie, all she say's in anger. Her unbelievable state of anger. Now I'm just happy I know that it was all real. If she comes back , which I really hope, I will approach things differently. Now that I can imagine what she was going through. The point where she saw me taking my bag, me telling her i'm just going to sleep home. She just saw all her hopes and dreams crashed. Ofcourse she is going to be angry... .Does this mean I'm being soft? does this mean I'm going to disrespect my own rules? Naa, everyone makes mistakes I'm guessing. If I love her as much as I say I do. I can change for her and for me and at that moment I will make it work. She once had a conversation with me, in a very emotional state, where I noticed she was scared of me going out with friends. We had a good talk and I kind of brought up BPD. She confessed to me, that she too thinks she has it. So deep down, she knows. Deep down she knows she loves me. Does she love the other guys? Yea ofcourse she does! Is it real? Yea ofcourse it is! Did I love my 3 ex Gf's? Yea...
I am okay, I just hope she is. Deep down I hope she comes back, Despite almost everyone thinking I am better of without her.

[lovenature]

Deep down I hope she comes back, Despite almost everyone thinking I am better of without her.

Do you really want the way of life you described for yourself and someone you love?

What would you tell your best friend if he/she was in your shoes?

I know how hard it is to let go when you have felt so good during idealization, so confused and hurt during devaluation, and tried so hard to make the relationship work, but always think about the overall situation-good vs. bad for both partners.

[heartandwhole]

Deep down I hope she comes back, Despite almost everyone thinking I am better of without her.

Really understandable, Jitox. Our hearts are often in conflict with our heads. Since she is not communicating right now, I'd recommend taking time to learn as much as you can about BPD, so that if/when she reconnects, you will be coming from a place of understanding. There are tons of articles and videos on this site. I also recommend learning about your role in the dynamic, so that you can do what is best for you. So many of us sacrifice ourselves to make things work with our partners, and in the end we end up getting hurt. Maybe you don't do that, but every relationships needs kind and firm boundaries, for example, based on your values.

You may want to check out the Improving Board , which has very good tools to help you navigate the ups and downs of a relationship with someone with BPD. Have you seen this?:

Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD (3 minute instructional video)

I'm glad to hear that you have a good support system in place. That is really important.

heartandwhole

[Jitox]

Hi loveandnature and heartworld.

Its been about 5 days. I know it seems strange and as you said. " do you really want someone like that in your life".

I for one can not explain it. Ive been going out. Ive been reading up. I already "found" 3 new girls in a week that are sexually interested, but I'm not really interested, Not complaining tho... .but its hard. This intense emotions you have with someone like this are insane... .basically I am moving forward in a way. But I look back and then forth. I know she is going on and probly with some other guy now, she might even love him in rhe same way and maybe she will pick up contact with me again, Telling me she misses me or anything like that.

Im asking myself questions over and over.
Is she worth it ?
Is she worth it to forgive all these lies and desception even tho she feels she is in the right? (which doesn't even mather to me anymore as long as she is completely honest when she is with me it's fine)
Is she worth forgiving the cheating?
Is she worth living the rest of my life with her knowing she will always have this impulsive character and this constant fear of me leaving her?
There are multiple more questions im asking myself... .

Its not easy no doubt, at this moment my mind will permantly say no. No jitox do not do it. Do not fall for this. Cause it will be hard. But if it's is easy it wont make me happy. I like it complicated. I like a challenge.
I know im not a cure
I know she wont change
I know its always going to be hard in a way
But I cant denie that I have never loved a person this much. Even if its easy to pass on to the next. Which is very easy at this point in my life.
It is not what I desire. I desire the warm touch of my skin against her cold one. My positive additude against her ups and downs. That one moment were she is so drunk and mad at me for something, but still asks me to make her eggs. And after asking me to pull her close. Cause she wants to feel loved.

It is never easy. It does not feel right the way she acts.
But imagine even once if you are in her place. You feel alone in this dark world. Everything you love leaves you or thats how you feel. You dont want to love someone cause the moment you do you think it will tear you apart. You take this one leap of faith and everytime they look at you mike you are this psycho when you get mad over something which they dont understand. The next person does the same. Untill finally you found the one that can handle your flaws like everyone has flaws and looks for a person who can handles theirs. And then you get the feeling, You are not worthy of this person cause he accepts you. This person who 30 or more other people couldnt live with. Got accepted by this amazing person who everyone loves. Why do you deserve him/her. You feel like you dont. You feel like you are holding him back. Even after everything goes great. You make this one mistake in a impulsive reaction because you are finally enjoying the moment of complete hapiness which only happens once in a year ( for example ). And the mistake is a burden. You feel sorry... .so sorry it probly hurts you more then the person who loves you. You feel bad... .you go to this dark place where you think:" if i hurt the only thing I cared so much about, and that I feel like i dont deserve... .then why would we stay together. I am only a burden, I am trash, why would I stay with him and make him/her feel the pain that I cant even handle... ." the moment you even admit the thing you done which pains you so deeply and scares you more then hell. You just hope it turns out fine but you see him or her walk out the door. You know you ___ed up. You feel even worse. You push everything away... .cause you just can't handle the suffering you already went through and then seeing that person suffer makes it even worse. You dont wanna do that ever again... .

OFCOURSE I don't know that this is what she feels like(or people with BPD feel like), but I am just guessing and if thats how they feel, I feel so bad for not supporting her or knowning this sooner.

And yes I wish I could be there for her. I wish I could be the person to tell her its okay. Cause I make mistakes to and Im not affected by a dissorder. Cause these poeple are special. Why? Cause as they can give there emotions in both ways. The angry they can get. Can also be turned into love. And that love is the purest love you will ever feel.

for example : The joy of hugging an animal, the joy of playing with kids, the happines in their face when they get spoiled with breakfast, the enthousiasme they have when doing a journey together, even the sex they enjoy with you is very intimate, their impulsive behavior in positive ways,... .I could write more and more. Just how much they enjoy a hug, a kiss on the forhead, a hand, the feeling of safety and security.

I prefer looking at all the qualities in the relationship with someone who suffers from BPD then at their negative ones.

This said, It also helps me move on knowing it was all more than real. There are many fish in the sea, but I will never forget the moment I caught a this little cute kraken. Which was more then I bargained for and sometimes you got to welease da kwaken  ( release the krakan ).

Greets jitox

[lovenature]

Keep reading and learning jitox, you will come to know it is best to release the "kraken".