Depression

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How long did it take everyone to get through the depression phase of the breakup? It's been tough lately. I'll have a good day then a bad day. I just feel like mourning. It's been about 5 weeks.

At what point were you beyond missing your old life?

[tammym1972]

How long did it take everyone to get through the depression phase of the breakup? It's been tough lately. I'll have a good day then a bad day. I just feel like mourning. It's been about 5 weeks.

At what point were you beyond missing your old life?

[beggarsblanket]

I think it varies widely, depending on the person and the nature of the losses in the relationship. I surveyed friends on the time it takes for grief over a relationship to fade. I got everything from seven months to five years.

It's been six months of daily sadness for me, but I've had complications. I had a recurrence of bipolar depression six weeks after the break up. Two months later, I was still grieving and recovering from the mood problems when she came back into my life briefly. That tore open the old wounds all over again. I am still in low spirits. I still miss her every day, but that's an improvement over the constant intrusive thoughts of a month ago, which were so bad I couldn't even read.

If I had managed my mood better, and if I had not allowed her back into my life, I would have been further along than I am now.

[tammym1972]

That's what everyone is saying. You heal faster with no contact. I know that but deep down I'm hoping to still be friends some day.

[Larmoyant]

I still have good days and bad days even though it's been 10 months now, but it has got a 'lot' better. I suspect I would have healed faster if I'd gone completely NC, but I didn't and kept responding to his contact. Looking back it may have been better if I'd given myself a period of time to heal with no distraction from him. Tammym, maybe that's how you could look at this for now. Time for you to put you and your needs first then maybe, down the line, when you feel stronger, you can consider being friends with him (or not as the case may be). It seems to comfort me not to look at it as all or nothing, but I think space is important.

[tammym1972]

I still have good days and bad days even though it's been 10 months now, but it has got a 'lot' better. I suspect I would have healed faster if I'd gone completely NC, but I didn't and kept responding to his contact. Looking back it may have been better if I'd given myself a period of time to heal with no distraction from him. Tammym, maybe that's how you could look at this for now. Time for you to put you and your needs first then maybe, down the line, when you feel stronger, you can consider being friends with him (or not as the case may be). It seems to comfort me not to look at it as all or nothing, but I think space is important.

That's a good idea. Just give it some time. I have some unimportant things of mine stashed in his barn. I've been dreading getting them. Maybe if I just wait a few months it will be easier.

[beggarsblanket]

That's what everyone is saying. You heal faster with no contact. I know that but deep down I'm hoping to still be friends some day.

I have learned, through other losses in life, to allow grief to take its time. Events bring what they will. I have to cope as I can.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi tammy-

How long did it take everyone to get through the depression phase of the breakup? It's been tough lately. I'll have a good day then a bad day. I just feel like mourning. It's been about 5 weeks.

At what point were you beyond missing your old life?

5 weeks is really very little time after a 4 year relationship, and grieving takes what it takes, there's really no way to speed it up, but you can slow it down by continuing to communicate with your ex, which I think you're doing on a limited basis?  5 weeks is enough time for the fog to clear or start to though, and that can allow you to feel depression as you look at things from a more grounded, centered place and realize what you've been through, a good thing really, the processing you'll do from that place will help your detachment and your growth.

You might want to set your sights on 6 months, there are no rules or timeframes but that is a reasonable amount of time to grieve and process the end of a 4 year relationship.  And your perceptions of him, you and the relationship will change as you go through that, and then you can dig into your motivation for wanting to be friends with someone who treated you the way he did yes?

[CooperD]

Hi Tammy,

I am in about the same place as you time wise (4 weekends ago since she came and dropped the divorce papers off).

I also like you feel very depressed - I can try to mask it / hide it / conceal it when I go into work but it is there just waiting.  The overwhelming sense of loss / sadness and abandonment.

Do you feel you were suffering depression before the relatiobship ended ? I feel i was living with terrible anxiety and depression for several years with my BPD and her leaving now has just taken everything to the next level or should I say introduced a whole lot of new triggers and pain for me.

There are times when I just want to close my eyes and my mind to be blanked and all my pain to go away.  Its like your looking at everyone else living life and you feel completely alone - like a ghost watching yourself.

If I could have imagined i would have ever felt like this as a 14/15 year old I would have frozen myself in time.

[tammym1972]

CooperD. Yes I have suffered anxiety and depression my whole life but I am on meds and it's been pretty much under control. I know what you mean about others living their lives. All the happy couples. But then I know that a lot of people who look happy aren't. I just wonder how two people can live happily ever after. Thought I would with my ex until the last couple of months.

[Warcleods]

I've also been an anxiety and depression sufferer.  I have been on Effexor for over a decade and it has done nothing to solve my problems.  If anything, it zombified me to the point where I almost didn't have emotions and remained pretty unaffected by things.  I have been off of Effexor since July of this year and only recently have I started to feel human again.  The road to get off of the medication was not fun or easy but by far, the best decision I have ever made.  I am not suggesting you do the same and I only added that information because you said you were on meds.  All of the emotions I feel are foreign to me.  I am only now starting to understand them, embrace them and figure out ways to manage them in a healthy fashion.  It sounds like you are still dwelling.  Your assumption of happiness in the couples you are seeing in the outward facing image of what others portray is just that.  On the surface, many couples appear to be happy and you need to stop assuming they don't have their own set of problems because chances are, they do.  You won't find the majority of stable people showcasing how they really feel in public and announcing what issues they have regarding their SO.  We tend to put on a front in public because how others perceive us is important to our egos.  Keep that in mind and don't allow the white picket fence and happy family photos on Facebook fool you into thinking their lives are perfect.  Need proof?  Watch Dateline on ID and it is riddle with seemingly perfect couples on the outside killing each other for all kinds of reasons.

[tammym1972]

It's funny how you mention dateline. I love that show or any true crime program. I've noticed that a lot of domestic murders are done by people who have some BPD traits. I notice it everywhere now. In songs, mivies etc. oh that person looks like they have BPD!

[Kelli Cornett]

Murders are done mostly by sociopaths and psychopaths ... .

[Tobiasfunke]

Dude, you don't want to know. Seriously everyone is different  and in different stages on here . Of course the holidays don't make it any easier. That being said there are weeks that go by and all of is well. But right now lots of memories both good and bad reeking havoc on many of us on this board. Me personally I have no desire to be "friends " with my ex. Sadly. The only way to get through this is nc/lc if you have kids. 5 weeks is really fresh but you will rise above all this. Very soon hopefully. Good luck.

[Mutt]

Hi tammym1972,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I have depression and anxiety too. Depression is tough.

That's what everyone is saying. You heal faster with no contact. I know that but deep down I'm hoping to still be friends some day.

This caught my eye. Are you avoiding no contact for your ex's sake? Are you avoiding it so that it doesn't ruin a chance at being friends again? I'm not judging you by the way.

[tammym1972]

Mutt. I guess partly yes. But mainly to see his kids and out pet bird again. I do have to keep in contact until I get my stuff though.

[Warcleods]

Mental illnesses can overlap.  pwBPD can have sociopathic/pyschotic symptomology as well.  That's not to suggest that all pwBPD have overlaps but it's reasonable to conclude murderers have type of PD or combination of PD's.

[Warcleods]

Mutt. I guess partly yes. But mainly to see his kids and out pet bird again. I do have to keep in contact until I get my stuff though.

Not to steal Mutt's thunder here Tammy but if the kids are not biologically yours, you need to let go.   Especially if they are young kids and not able to make decisions legally / socially on whether they want to remain in your life separate from him.  That might be a hard pill to swallow because you may have really liked them and vice versa.  On the surface it's a humanistic need to maintain friendships and bonds but sometimes it just doesn't make sense.  I developed a liking to my ex's son because he was a genuinely nice kid to be around.  I understood almost immediately that had to stop and it did.  Even if his kids are old enough to want to remain friends with you, I would highly consider not doing so because it is going to impact your ability to detach from this relationship.  

As far as the bird is concerned... .Let it fly away.

[Mutt]

Mutt. I guess partly yes. But mainly to see his kids and out pet bird again. I do have to keep in contact until I get my stuff though.

I understand that it's not simple. I have three kids with my ex so i can't go no contact but i do have minimal contact. My boundary is that i will only respond to what is valid about our kids. My middle son has a learning disability and she'll try and triangulate me if she's not happy with a grade in one of his classes, she tries to blame and I don't respond to that because I'm not responsible for her feelings I'm not here to sooth her. Getting back to you though.

No contact / minimal contact is about self protection.Its not a hard and fast rule, take whatever time that you need to take care of you first.

[lovenature]

deep down I'm hoping to still be friends some day.

Doesn't work, PWBPD want to avoid loosing an attachment at all costs; typically they will go from just wanting to be friends (after the break up), have someone to talk to (support them), and then try to seduce you to keep you attached to them.
Even members who only had a friendship say the same thing as romantic partners do; the more you care about them/love them, and the closer you get, the more they hurt you and push you away. The "borderline" between engulfment and abandonment is always moving depending on their current emotion of the moment.

I am still struggling with depression at over 11 months out now, but significant other factors have contributed to it. I found at around 8 months out I no longer desired life with my ex.
Everyone's combination of things is different, best to accept that it will take what it takes-trying to force your recovery will only prolong it.

[tammym1972]

Warcleods. I understand but I promised them I wouldn't leave them. They feel abandoned by their dad's girlfriend and I don't want to put them through that again. They are the truly innocent victims here. I text their mom every couple of months to say hi to them.

[tammym1972]

Well everyone. I am doing much better now I feel like I came to a turning point. No longer super depressed and I'm stopped yearning for my old life. Maybe just a little but not all consuming as before.

What really helped was making a list of all the goods and bads. The list of bads was long but the good list only had a couple of things. And those things were pretty minor!