I thought it was an extinction burst but it wont stop

[jrharvey]

If you have seen my old post you will know that my GF is really bad about interrogations over simple triggers. She will ask questions for hours if I let her and she escalates quickly and panics over things that don't make sense. It could be anything. If I don't answer the phone the first time she calls even if my phone is on silent. If I have a meeting that takes longer than 1 hour (most meetings do). If I leave work 10 minutes early or 10 minutes late. If I get a phone call from my boss or coworker. If I use the bathroom for more than 2 minutes (she often spends 30 minutes in there). I cant seem to get away from it. So for the past month I have been trying to be strong and tell her I wont be interrogated. I have told her its abusive and demeaning and I wont answer a million questions for basic human things.

Its always the same and I thought it would stop but it doesn't. Its now happening 2 or 3 times a day almost every day and she still loses it and tries to argue and gets mad when I don't give her the answers she wants. She will say that there is nothing wrong with these questions. She will say its like asking how is your day or things like that. Usually I answer her first question and maybe second but when it keeps going I stop her.

I thought it would be an extinction burst and eventually die out but it doesn't. Its getting worse and its been over a month. Below is an example... .

Yesterday I had a meeting that lasted an hour and 45 min. No big deal. She kept asking why? Why didn't you answer my call? I told her I was in a meeting. Why did it last so long? I told her we had so much to go over and it just did. She wanted to know every detail and what specific time we talked about different things and what we did. I told her I wont be interrogated when I am doing nothing wrong. She flipped out but the argument died out quick. She was happy later.

After getting home from dinner I used the bathroom. I come out and she is waiting for me and asked why it took so long. It may have taken 5-6 minutes seriously. I told her I was using the bathroom. She said... Are you really using the bathroom? Are you sure? Were you chatting with anyone? Can I see your phone? Why did you take your phone in? I told her I wont be interrogated. I am not a criminal. Im not cheating on you. I wont be questioned like this. Don't ask me those questions. She said there is nothing wrong with her asking me questions and I am freaking out over nothing. I told her I wont do this. She tried to keep going and start an argument but I just said no. She calmed down and got normal later.

She was in the living room later that night and I go to sit on the couch and play a video on the chromecast from my phone. She asked what I was doing. I told her just looking for a youtube video to play. She started asking me... Are you chatting with someone? Let me see your phone. Just turn the screen so I can see your on youtube. I turned the screen and she asked if I just switched it to youtube. I told her again I wont take this. I wont be interrogated for doing nothing. This time she flipped out and started ranting about how her therapist says I need to be open and honest with her because she has a hard time trusting and how I am being cruel to her etc. I told her its abuse and I cant deal with that. She started flipping out saying she cant deal with me and started bringing up all these things she doesn't like about me going on and on and on. She tried to bait me by changing the subject to things I lied about a year ago. I quickly mentioned that she was the one lying about talking to guys and secret texting while I caught her and I wont accept being accused of things I'm not doing and treated like a criminal when she did those things. I told her I wont answer these questions and don't talk to me like that. She argued with me and changed subjects and went off on all different topics for about an hour. I just kept redirecting it to what happened that night. Eventually I think she got tired of arguing and came back to reality. She apologized. She asked if we could work on a solution that we can both agree on. She said she cant just not ask questions. She said it burns her insides. She said if she doesn't ask questions she feels like throwing up. I told her that's her feeling and I am not doing anything wrong to make her feel such pain. I said that's a problem we need to work on but it cant involve me being interrogated every day. Its not helping. We agreed to discuss this later.

Im not sure how to approach this now. Im pro compromise but any compromise on my rights is still abuse. Its like compromising to have less abuse. Any thoughts?

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[Skip]

Im not sure how to approach this now. Im pro compromise but any compromise on my rights is still abuse. Its like compromising to have less abuse. Any thoughts?

Asking to see your phone is not abuse - its annoying, intrusive - not abuse. Don't get caught up in that, it is only going to make it worse.

I think some members pointed out a while back that she seems to have symptoms of paranoia. They also pointed out that she will be able to manage it at times, but its real to her and she can't make it go away.

This was really bad when you two got into physical fights and broke up or threatened adultery over her paranoia. Since then, it sounds like you made a lot of progress.

Her paranoia is real. You have to accept that if you are going to be in her life - she can't will it away.

I have a neighbor with paranoia. He knows everyone thinks he crazy to have the paranoid thoughts he has, but he still has them. He tells me some of this stuff and then will ask me if I think he's crazy. I say no, but I suggest that he might be a little paranoid. I even kid him that my dog is paranoid - is afraid I might not ever feed her again.

Can you humor her, lightly tease about the paranoia? Drawing a line in the sand over the bad stuff is fine, but try to help with the anxiety.

On a down note - a friend of a friend struggled with this. One day, he shot himself.

It's real.

[jrharvey]

I do sympathize with the paranoia. I do feel bad for her. But it interferes with so much of my life and hers. If I let her she will talk for hours consuming my time almost every day. If I'm at work I would have to stop work for an hour or so just to answer every detail of her questions. Last time I asked this question I got strong answers from everyone here to stop with feeding into her questions. Almost everyone here said it was not ok and I should have a boundary for interrogations.

What do you think I should do then? I CANNOT tease or joke about the paranoia. She takes a hint of a smile or joke as disrespect and not taking her serious. She wants me to be serious and answer her questions clearly and without any confusion. The problem is I don't know how to help. The only thing I can do is change my actions but what ends up happening is I go back to walking on eggshells. I will lie to clients and tell them I have to be somewhere because we hit the one hour mark of a meeting or things similar to that. I tell her so many times meetings can last 2 hours sometimes. It doesn't help. She will say that I should stop the meeting and go home or it shouldn't last that long. It could also be considered controlling if I have to change my actions to make her feel better.

Im controlling my own anger by being strong and setting boundaries. I think my anger before came from giving up all freedom and self respect until I exploded. Now that I am setting clear lines in the sand I am much better at controlling my own anger.

[Skip]

I'm not suggesting you live your life to appease her paranoia - like leaving meetings early - that doesn't help her or you. And yes, have limits and enforce them with compassion and strength, not indignation and tension.

I'm suggesting that you not take it personally and lighten it up with her. Get to the point that you can have a little cute fun with it. You have to set that up when times are calm.

Cut the tension.

[ArleighBurke]

When she accuses you of something, you are JADEing. I don't see any VALIDATION in your conversations with her. I think you need to react by not answering her questions, but to ask her how she FEELS first - then you can validate. 

Example:
Yesterday I had a meeting that lasted an hour and 45 min. No big deal. She kept asking why? Why didn't you answer my call?
She isn't actually asking why you didn't answer - she doesn't care about that. What she is really saying is: "when you didn't answer I felt (scared you were injured)/(ignoring me)/(with someone else)/(has left me)/(didn't care about me)". So telling her WHY you were in a meeting doesn't help. Answer with a neutral or question or probe to try to discover what she was feeling:
"I'm sorry - I can get very busy. Why were you calling?"
"Sorry babe - that must have made you feel a bit alone... ."
When she actually tells you how she felt, then you can VALIDATE. And use SET perhaps... .

I also read about the Nicola Method (www.nicolamethodforhighconflict.com/)- which is like this:
I used the bathroom. I come out and she is waiting for me and asked why it took so long. It may have taken 5-6 minutes. "It seems like when you asked me about how long I took that you think i should feel guilty about that? Is that what you feel?" It forces her to think about her emotion and position.

[GaGrl]

There are some fundamental boundaries that need to be established (RE-established?)... .you need to be able to take care of basic bodily functions without being questioned as to what's happening ... .just sayin'... .

[jrharvey]

There are some fundamental boundaries that need to be established (RE-established?)... .you need to be able to take care of basic bodily functions without being questioned as to what's happening ... .just sayin'... .

I agree. Im trying to enforce these boundaries. Maybe I could do something different.