I Didn't See The BPD Traits When She Interacted With Her Kids. Weird?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex gf of 2 years (undiagnosed) clearly showed strong BPD traits when interacting with me but I didn't see a lot of it when she interacted with her kids. I saw her get extremely upset a couple of times when one of them was going to leave early unexpectedly (showing abandonment fears) and when she talked of them getting older  and moving out she would get very down, but I didn't see her rage against them (well very rarely) or criticize or talk down to them, etc. She would take everything out on me and the kids walked all over her and she admitted it. I got the impression that she thought if she let them do whatever they wanted that she felt they would want to be around her more and her oldest almost took on the role of parent to her and her second born and she was terrified of offending her oldest and protected her youngest as he was the last one that would still be home for a few years.

She is extremely selfish in all of her interactions except with her kids and her kids always came before mine.

Does it seem odd that I didn't see more BPD behaviors within the family and that they were mostly directed at me?

[Duped 1]

My ex gf of 2 years (undiagnosed) clearly showed strong BPD traits when interacting with me but I didn't see a lot of it when she interacted with her kids. I saw her get extremely upset a couple of times when one of them was going to leave early unexpectedly (showing abandonment fears) and when she talked of them getting older  and moving out she would get very down, but I didn't see her rage against them (well very rarely) or criticize or talk down to them, etc. She would take everything out on me and the kids walked all over her and she admitted it. I got the impression that she thought if she let them do whatever they wanted that she felt they would want to be around her more and her oldest almost took on the role of parent to her and her second born and she was terrified of offending her oldest and protected her youngest as he was the last one that would still be home for a few years.

She is extremely selfish in all of her interactions except with her kids and her kids always came before mine.

Does it seem odd that I didn't see more BPD behaviors within the family and that they were mostly directed at me?

[Lonely_Astro]

But you did see it.  Go back and read your posting again. What it seems like you did was minimize her erratic behavior by saying you didn't see it (but did, just not "a lot".

Was she BPD?  We don't know. What we know is that she wasn't a nice person to you or your kids. There could be a multitude of reasons she chose to focus her rage on you. We'll never really know the answer. My ex, who is diagnosed BPD, never raged at me. I saw her rage at/about others. She would do passive aggressive things to me, but never would she verbally abuse me.  But, make no doubt about this, I would be punished in some way for angering her.

My point is, why think about what she was doing or why she was doing it?  What we need to focus on is how you're doing now. How are progressing in your healing? 

[Duped 1]

Lonely- I'm nearly certain she is BPD. I would bet my life savings on it. I just wondered why it wasn't as prominent w her kids.

[Lonely_Astro]

I think you may have misunderstood what my intention was on my post.

Trying to figure out her actions is futile. You won't be able to apply logic or reason to her actions/behavior.  Basically, you'll never be able to figure out why she raged on you but was ran over by others.

Instead of trying to label her to excuse her behavior, look inwards. You were in the relationship with her for 2 years, what did she offer you that made you stay and deal with the abuse you received?  I was with my ex for a year. What she offered me was stroking my ego. She is beautiful and her affection made me feel good about myself. I didn't want to let that go. So I put up with a lot more than I should've because I was codependent and low on self esteem.