Pregnant and Struggling to Set Healthy Boundaries with BPD Mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello. I feel a bit awkward posting this message. I've never posted on an online forum before. However, I realize I could use some help. Local support such as Alanon worked wonders for helping me better understand my alcoholic father and improve our relationship. Unfortunately, I don't know of any similar in person support for learning about a BPD parent, so I thought I would try reaching out here.

Here's the deal. My mom is diagnosed with BPD and major depression. There have been many issues and challenges all my life, from the day-to-day to the extreme, but the challenge I'm facing now is how to create healthy boundaries that she can actually understand regarding how involved she will be in my life with my child. She lives in another state, so I don't have to worry about her showing up frequently at my house. It's more that when she is around, her presence creates extreme anxiety in me. She seems completely oblivious to how her actions affect others and incapable of just being relaxed and calm in a way that puts others at ease. She's typically very loud, clingy, and unable to follow through on even simple tasks. I know she wants to come "help" me when the baby arrives, but I don't trust that I can count on her to actually be helpful in any way. It's much more predictable that some disaster would prevent her from, for example, being able to make it to my home to care for my dog while I'm in the hospital, even though she's said repeatedly that she wants to do this. I'm so scared of some crisis erupting with her when I need calm and peace that I want to bypass her involvement altogether, but then I feel horribly guilty that I am causing her pain. I know her illness is real and that she did not ask for the childhood trauma and poor parenting that caused it. But more than anything, I just want to protect myself, my husband, and my newborn daughter from being exposed to her intense energy during such a vulnerable and special time in our lives.

Add to this that my brother recently moved to another state from our hometown. She seems to be taking this separation like a death. She told me she sobbed almost nonstop for two weeks when he moved. She always spins out of control when big things happen in our lives. For example, the last time she was hospitalized was when I moved out of state and she was a total manict mess around both of our weddings. Though I have had some very frank conversations with her around her illness and boundaries in the past, I am nervous about her harming herself at this time. She has been isolating a lot lately. For example, she just went an entire month without calling me and she's not calling my brother either, but the last time we spoke she told me she hasn't been doing any holiday decorating or socializing because if she can't be around me and my brother, then she doesn't want to be around anyone.

I guess I'm just looking for support and input here. Anything that may help me better understand how to balance my care for her and my need to keep my own life healthy and, frankly, free from her constant drama. Just to provide a little background on me, I have been very fortunate to learn a lot about how my chaotic childhood affected me and to get help as an adult. I have a very healthy, balanced life today with a supportive and loving partner, helpful older  adult women mentors, a therapist I trust and have worked with quite a bit who I can go back to whenever I feel I need extra help, and a vibrant spiritual life and community based in Buddhist teachings and meditation. So I don't feel like I'm alone or unsupported, and I do have some minimal understanding of my mom's disease. But frankly, I'm just really fed up with constantly feeling like the parent in our relationship and trying to manage ways to allow her to be involved in my life without allowing her to make me crazy. It just always winds up being all about her, and she never follows through on anything that seems to help her get better. Times like this when I just want her to grow up and be a mom can be really tough. So I thought I'd reach out.

I know this post is long. Thanks for reading, and for any insight you can share.

[Metta2016]

Hello. I feel a bit awkward posting this message. I've never posted on an online forum before. However, I realize I could use some help. Local support such as Alanon worked wonders for helping me better understand my alcoholic father and improve our relationship. Unfortunately, I don't know of any similar in person support for learning about a BPD parent, so I thought I would try reaching out here.

Here's the deal. My mom is diagnosed with BPD and major depression. There have been many issues and challenges all my life, from the day-to-day to the extreme, but the challenge I'm facing now is how to create healthy boundaries that she can actually understand regarding how involved she will be in my life with my child. She lives in another state, so I don't have to worry about her showing up frequently at my house. It's more that when she is around, her presence creates extreme anxiety in me. She seems completely oblivious to how her actions affect others and incapable of just being relaxed and calm in a way that puts others at ease. She's typically very loud, clingy, and unable to follow through on even simple tasks. I know she wants to come "help" me when the baby arrives, but I don't trust that I can count on her to actually be helpful in any way. It's much more predictable that some disaster would prevent her from, for example, being able to make it to my home to care for my dog while I'm in the hospital, even though she's said repeatedly that she wants to do this. I'm so scared of some crisis erupting with her when I need calm and peace that I want to bypass her involvement altogether, but then I feel horribly guilty that I am causing her pain. I know her illness is real and that she did not ask for the childhood trauma and poor parenting that caused it. But more than anything, I just want to protect myself, my husband, and my newborn daughter from being exposed to her intense energy during such a vulnerable and special time in our lives.

Add to this that my brother recently moved to another state from our hometown. She seems to be taking this separation like a death. She told me she sobbed almost nonstop for two weeks when he moved. She always spins out of control when big things happen in our lives. For example, the last time she was hospitalized was when I moved out of state and she was a total manict mess around both of our weddings. Though I have had some very frank conversations with her around her illness and boundaries in the past, I am nervous about her harming herself at this time. She has been isolating a lot lately. For example, she just went an entire month without calling me and she's not calling my brother either, but the last time we spoke she told me she hasn't been doing any holiday decorating or socializing because if she can't be around me and my brother, then she doesn't want to be around anyone.

I guess I'm just looking for support and input here. Anything that may help me better understand how to balance my care for her and my need to keep my own life healthy and, frankly, free from her constant drama. Just to provide a little background on me, I have been very fortunate to learn a lot about how my chaotic childhood affected me and to get help as an adult. I have a very healthy, balanced life today with a supportive and loving partner, helpful older  adult women mentors, a therapist I trust and have worked with quite a bit who I can go back to whenever I feel I need extra help, and a vibrant spiritual life and community based in Buddhist teachings and meditation. So I don't feel like I'm alone or unsupported, and I do have some minimal understanding of my mom's disease. But frankly, I'm just really fed up with constantly feeling like the parent in our relationship and trying to manage ways to allow her to be involved in my life without allowing her to make me crazy. It just always winds up being all about her, and she never follows through on anything that seems to help her get better. Times like this when I just want her to grow up and be a mom can be really tough. So I thought I'd reach out.

I know this post is long. Thanks for reading, and for any insight you can share.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Metta2016! 

Welcome! I am so thankful that you reached out to us here, to our online family. There are so many members here who can clearly grasp what you are talking about, and we rejoice with you in this upcoming birth of your little one!   It sounds like you do have a wonderful support group around you, and that is so great! 

My mom is diagnosed with BPD and major depression.

How did you feel when you learned that your mom has BPD? For me it was a great relief when I finally figured our what my uBPDm had. Finally to put a name to it! Yet at the same time, it does bring additional challenges for us to begin to uncover and unravel ourselves from the dysfunction of what we grew up thinking as normal.

Add to this that my brother recently moved to another state from our hometown. She seems to be taking this separation like a death. She told me she sobbed almost nonstop for two weeks when he moved. She always spins out of control when big things happen in our lives.

It's really sad how strongly BPDs can dysregulate emotionally. Here is a link to a great workshop about SET:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

There are some really good tools on this site and in this article to help you in communicating with your BPDm. When I had my first child, I was quite torn in wanting to have my uBPDm with me (it's a natural desire I think to want your mom to share this glorious time with you), but I wanted her to be healthy, not the 'when-is-she-gonna-blow-up' type of mom. Do you have other options, such as a mother-in-law who can come to be with you? Or a close friend or relative that would also bring comfort? Then perhaps you can plan a very short trip for your mom to come, when you are feeling more able to handle the stress. Is it possible that you could put her up in a hotel instead of staying right in your home, and that would give you a further buffer of space?

I'm very glad you shared some of your story with us! I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts.
 
Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome  Metta2016: 
Congrats on the upcoming baby!  I'm so sorry that your mom is a problem instead of someone who can help and support you with the birth of your baby.

I am nervous about her harming herself at this time. She has been isolating a lot lately. For example, she just went an entire month without calling me and she's not calling my brother either, but the last time we spoke she told me she hasn't been doing any holiday decorating or socializing because if she can't be around me and my brother, then she doesn't want to be around anyone.

I'm glad you were able to improve your relationship with your father.  Are your parents together at this time?  Is your mom on meds for her depression and/or is she getting counseling?

The article at the link below has some helpful information about suicide prevention:

SAFETY FIRST- CLICK HERE

The website below might have some helpful info. as well.

www.suicidepreverntionlifeline.org/#

I do have some minimal understanding of my mom's disease. But frankly, I'm just really fed up with constantly feeling like the parent in our relationship and trying to manage ways to allow her to be involved in my life without allowing her to make me crazy. It just always winds up being all about her, and she never follows through on anything that seems to help her get better.

Unfortunately, you can't be responsible for making your mom happy or fixing her.  We can't change others, only the way we interact and react.  The links below lead to some specific information that will likely be helpful.  Working through FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), setting firm boundaries and employing some validation and communication skills can make things better for you.  The information below can get you started with some basic tools.

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW

VALIDATION

[Notwendy]

Congratulations on the baby!

While this is an exciting time, I understand the concern with BPDmom. You are way ahead of where I was with this when my children were born. I knew something wasn't right, but my parents were invested in maintaining that my mother was normal. I didn't know a diagnosis for her or have resources to deal with it. But I did instinctively want to protect my children from the issues I grew up with. Although she is difficult to have around, there wasn't much choice about that if I wanted my father around. He wasn't an alcoholic- he was actually a great dad ( when he found a way to do that out of mom's control) and amazing grandpa to my kids. So if he visited, mom was part of the package. I would not have wanted my mother to be alone with my kids, but if my dad was there, I knew the kids would be OK.

My mother is concerned with her image and appearing to be "normal". She also prefers to ignore the past, and pretend she didn't do anything to strain our relationship. The grandchildren were her opportunity to try to reinvent herself as grandma. Somehow she imagined she'd have a close relationship with them, without considering that her relationship with me over the years would be of concern to me. But this idea also motivated her to behave better with them.

For me, wishing my mother would grow up and be a mother was fantasy. When my mother is around, we are all expected to take care of her. I wouldn't even leave her in charge of a pet- not that she'd purposely hurt the pet, or a child, but that she isn't capable or reliable of taking care of a dependent living being. My parents' visits were chaotic and I felt a lot of anxiety at the constant drama.

But there were things they could do to "help" with the baby that did not involve child care. A new baby takes a lot of time, sometimes you don't even have time to get dressed. One thing my parents were very helpful with were to go out and get things we needed. They would run errands like go to the grocery store, pick up cleaning, take out, or the baby store if I needed a sleeper or more diapers. Another thing I discovered was that my mother's imaginary image of being a grandma was similar to her other wishes she had before- looking for something outside of herself to "make her happy". But the reality- a baby that slept a lot, had to be changed, fed, and was a round the clock job wasn't as exciting. She'd see the baby and then, after a while, get tired, or bored, and want to leave to go to bed. Or she would lie on the couch watching TV while I did the child care. My parents liked to read bedtime stories to them, but I think that was mostly my father who did that.

I guess one way to see this - if you wish to include your mother- is to look at the visit as if a preteen helper or big sister was visiting, not a grown woman, and to have similar expectations. You'd let a preteen hold the baby, read a child a book, but you'd be supervising. For boundaries of course, you could only do this when you feel you are capable of hosting this person.

Later on, I had to have different boundaries. My kids are older and by the time they were young teens, my mother tried to enlist them as emotional caretakers. She also wanted to confide in them and she has poor boundaries about her personal life, so she would want to tell them TMI and expect them to be her confidants. But as babies, her visits did not affect them like this.  

[HappyGirl8]

Hi there & welcome!

I had to reply to this, since I had a similar situation not too long ago. You are lucky that you already know that "big events" can be triggering for our BPD moms (I wish I had known that w/ my first pregnancy - maybe I could've prevented some of the extreme looniness/hospital stalking/one-month-estrangement that occurred, that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy  ). One of my biggest pieces of advice in your situation, if your mom will be in town, is (A) Identify things you can task your mom with to help you out with that will not only be helpful to you (be it in a small or large way) but that will also keep her busy  That way she will feel "involved" but will also not have a ton of time to bug you. With my mom for example, she is a great cook, so I would ask her to do that for us - everything else she was useless with. Otherwise, remember it's not your job to keep her happy/busy/occupied/whatever -- this is a very special time in your life, & you should enjoy it! Make space for yourself in whatever way you need, to ensure that you protect this time for yourself 

Another piece of advice (which may or may not work - probably not, but it's worth a shot?) is (B) perhaps write a letter to your mom explaining what you need from her around the time of your child's birth and thereafter, so maybe she can clarify to herself what your expectations of her are. (In my story, I specifically told my parents I didn't want them at the hospital, that I'd call them when we were ready for visitors; within a few hours of us checking in, they showed up unannounced, after having called the hospital to sleuth out if we were there (I never found out how they got the info, since patient privacy, but whatever). I always wondered if maybe another form of communication might have been better or would've gotten through to my mom better than a verbal request. Again, probably not, but it's worth a shot for this once in a lifetime moment.)

Third, do you have (C) another family member or close friend whom you can enlist as an ally during this time to either keep your mom busy (i.e. Off your back/not irritating you/invading your space/keeping her happy & safe/etc.)? It's ok to ask for outside help, especially at this very special time! In fact, I'd say you *need* to ask for outside help - do not try to do it alone. You will have your hands very full with the little one and your own recovery - let someone else shoulder the burden for a bit so you can focus on what's important.

Looking back, I WAY underestimated the amount of crazy that this major life event could trigger for my mom - hindsight is 20-20 - if I had known, I might have handled things very differently. Particularly for moms and daughters, something about their *daughter* having a child is HUGE. You are blessed to have more awareness going in, so arm your toolbox with all the tools you need, to be prepared & have a good plan in place.

I know it feels ridiculous to be "parenting" the parent, especially right now, but honestly it's for your own sanity and peace, so look after yourself and your little nuclear family first, and hopefully with some of these techniques and others from other dear contributors things will go smoothly for you! I wish you all the best & good luck!   

[cfg87]

Wow! I feel as though I'm in the exact same situation. I am also pregnant and trying to deal with setting boundaries with my mom. Around the time I was 8 weeks pregnant I had to stop talking to her for about a month due to her raging out over something silly. She has been behaving a little better since then (probably because neither of my brothers are currently talking to her), but I am just trying to mentally prepare myself for the upcoming months.

Like you mentioned, my mom also gets very emotional during big events, like she did for my wedding/bridal shower, etc. When she gets emotional, she often angrily lashes out or makes a big scene by crying during inappropriate times. It causes me so much anxiety, which I obviously don't want when I'm pregnant. I know I shouldn't take responsibility for her over-the-top emotions, but it's something I'm working on.

I am very interested to hear the advice that others have to give on this topic.