Reaching crisis point

[Smile41869]

Hi everyone

Its been a while for me. I have been focusing on getting my phd completed and so trying to keep everything calm with my uBPDm. Up until now, medium chill/ fake nice approach has worked fairly well. Until yesterday.

So two things happened yesterday in tandem, first, my uBPDm got test results from a mole she had removed (they are 99% likely benign). Second, I flew up to stay with my bestfriend so that I had some support in the final weeks of my phd (as my partner had to go on a work trip).

My mother saw that I was with my bestfriend on my social media and immediately went into rage mode. She left me a voicemail scathing saying "well now youve gone off on a trip sounds like you WONT be calling me to check on my test results then!" Then followed up with text messages repeating much the same. Then when I didn't reply within a few minutes a final text message "well I guess youre really busy, or ignoring me, have fun"

I dont want to have to explain to her that I am mentally struggling with my phd being due and my partner being away (and having an unstable, demanding, waifish mother). So i didnt mention the trip to her. I knew she would eventually see that I was here, but didnt expect her to take it this way, nor did I anticipate that she would see the trip as an inconvenience to her drama about her mole tests. They are almost certainly benign, wouldnt a quick text to say 'all is well good luck with your work' be OK? oh gosh, I have to stop fantasizing!

It is clear that she angry that my trip means I am not going to be 110% available to talk to her about HER life. Nothing is ever about me or my struggles. I have three weeks to get my phd finalized and handed in. It is a near impossible task for someone with good support systems.

I dont know how to respond to her. If i dont say something today its going to blow up worse. But part of me knows I cannot handle this any longer and I cant seem to muster up the strength to make it about her today. Do I keep going medium chill and if so any suggestions on what to say?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Smile41869! 

You sound as if you are dealing with a ton of stress right now! Kudos to you though for sticking with your Phd nearing the final completion.  Lots of work would be the understatement! Congrats!

Next let's think about your options here. I am really sorry that your uBPDm is going into a rage over the lack of communication. It's not what you need right now. You need care, concern, and a cheerleader to encourage you to keep going, that you are almost there, and you can do it. She is failing you in this, isn't she?

Sadly when major things take place in our lives, for those of us who are the children of a BPD parent, we threaten to take away the attention from them and focus the limelight upon us for a brief moment in time. They cannot handle it. It seems so unfair, and for myself, I would've liked to have the attention on me for having achieved something, as I'm sure you would too, instead of that of our uBPDm.

One of my initial thoughts was this:
1. If you contact her now, will it help her to be any less angry?
2. If you wait and contact her after your 3 weeks are past and your phd is done, will that cause her to feel any less angry? 

In other words, do you think she'll be angry no matter when you contact her? If so, then I wonder if you have nothing to lose. It could buy you some time to care for yourself and finish up your important things first. Perhaps you could send a short text that you'll check with her soon about the tests, but for now you have to concentrate on you for the next few weeks. Have someone else read her texts and filter them for you for the next few weeks. You can chose to not answer them for this span of time, then re-look at it after the major stress is off of you. It is a boundary setting, and is for you, not for her as the BPD will not respect our boundaries.

What do you think of these ideas?

 
Wools