Puppet Master

[Willis002]

I've been out with my exBPD for 3 months now. I'm doing great now and feel like I'm really detaching and now just waiting to see what happens. I believe my ex is a high functioning quiet borderline. She is aware of her condition and she's 21. I've read some text from the past and it looks to me she knew this would happen. In a text she told me she didn't talk to her best friends for a year and then they became inseparable. Also, she didn't want to do this to me and it happens for a period of time then stops.

I believe her disorder is responsible for a lot of this, but I feel like she is very smart about it. I feel like she uses her disorder for her advantage. Like she is buying her time until she would be ready to comeback.

My question is can someone who is so aware be able to manipulate people when their disorder when it isn't as much of a factor?

I'm almost a month in NC. I'm very aware now if I want to even have a conversation with her I must let her do all the work. From remember our conversation we had I feel like this is a test. Here BPD is now triggered and it's a test to see if I will run away. Like literally she said she pushes people away to see if they will stay. She fears losing people.

Also she was in a relationship with a guy for over a year and was engaged. They broke up in February. We got together in June. I think she didn't have enough time between relationships. I know that she had mood swings because of her past relationship. Her best friend told me this. I honestly think she is doing her single thing right now and when she is ready she will come back. She is still single from everything I know and is just hooking up with her guy friend. No evidence of dating from what I've heard.

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[Mutt]

Hi Willis002,

My question is can someone who is so aware be able to manipulate people when their disorder when it isn't as much of a factor?

High functioning borderline, she can keep it fairly together in public and the dysfunctional behavior is directed at loved ones behind closed doors. A low functioning borderline can't hide the dysfunction in public.

You're right a pwBPD will push boundaries to see if you'll leave them. Are you trying to figure if it's because of her or because of the disorder? She's both really, the disorder doesn't define her or make her less valuable as a person, the disorder is a part of her though.  If you're in NC, you're self protecting, she must of hurt you pretty badly.

[Willis002]

Yeah I'm curious if you can split the disorder from the person. Yeah she is high functioning. She is completely different than who she was with me. She gave me plenty of warnings looking back. She basically told me she had BPD without giving me the label. Yeah she hurt me pretty bad. Break up text and block all ways to communicate with her. I literally just landed on some past text. I want to post them here... .

I push people away to see if they will stay
I hate that I do that, but I do that with EVERYONE
I'm not going g to lie to you... .It'll probably keep happening for a while. I did it to my best friends for like a year... .Both of them went through spells of not talking to me, now we're inseparable. But that's how I respond to feeling a threat of change or someone leaving. I push and push and push. Because I think if I push you away, then it won't hurt so bad, like it would if you walked away from me.

Right there before she even told me about her disorder here is the definition of BPD. She was open with me and this is why I feel she will return when she is ready.

[Mutt]

She is completely different than who she was with me.

If she has BPD she'll mirror or copy people's expressions, mannerisms,  personality traits a pwBPd have an unstable sense of self, they don't know who they are.

[Willis002]

Honestly I didn't see much mirroring with her when it came to our relationship. Of course she was interested in my interests but she definitely was her own person. I feel like she doesn't mirror as much as I've read about other people with BPD. I feel like she has a lot of the self loathing going on, lacks trust and doesn't feel she's good enough. Those are some of the major points. Mirroring honestly I don't see as much of an issue. She definitely was her own person with her own interests. We did have a lot in common and no she didn't copy me.

[Willis002]

I really feel like she is coming back. The way she states things makes me feel hopeful for the future. She is so aware. I feel like there's this internal battle she has and at some point she usually wins out, but time and distance seems to be what she needs. I'm confident this won't be the last time I hear from her. I must wait now and take care of myself. I know for a fact I love her. I don't want anyone else and if I feel ready to date before she would come back I would do so, but I want her back.

I find it super important that she is self aware. Meaning after everything goes down she will most likely remember the good, because she has said she does this to everyone close to her. Now I know why she has few friends because she puts people through this miserable test that she can't control. I have been reading a lot and I want to ready to welcome her back. I know I'll have to adjust but this is worth it to me. I just have to keep my distance.

[Willis002]

This is why I believe she is coming back... .

1. We broke up for no reason (BPD trait).
2. In most cases people with BPD usually comeback
3. 68% of the time your ex will come back.
4. She warned me in text that this would happen. She didn't want to this to me and feel she somehow found the strength to give reassurance before she went down hill
5. She wrote me letter before we broke up that she will comeback and to not worry that we will make it.
6. I've talked to two psychics. Both said she will be coming back in 2017. One went as far as saying she will reach out between Christmas and New Years. Also Around Valentines Day she will attempt to get me back.
7. She is very self aware of the damage she does.

I just feel there are so many factors that lead to me feel a lot of hope. I know she is single and is just hooking up with one of her guy friends. She's a high functioning quiet borderline. Everything seems to make sense with her now.

[Mutt]

Hi Willis002,

It's well thought out. If she has a history of coming back, it goes the other way too? Everyone's different. My boundary is if I'm broken up with someone, I don't go back because there's usually a good reason why we broke up in the first place. I've never gone back.

That being said, I'm not saying this from experience, I'm just repeating what i've read on these boards, it's tougher the second go around, because the idealization and devaluation phases are more intense, they try harder.

Have you given thought to what you'll  do if she keeps pushing? Do you have a plan B? She knows that she does this. Now are you coming from the angle that she's self aware and because of self awareness she may be able to stop this behavior? You're aware that BPD is a severe mental illness?

[Willis002]

All I know is she does this with people who she is close to and she comes back after a period of time. I didn't know that the idealization and devaluation phases are more intense. I'm starting to learn what I'll need to do when she comes back. I really want to make this work and I believe she does too but she is fighting her illness. If she does this again I won't try to reach out. She will have to all the work because I've found it pointless to try and reach out to her. I feel like we need to talk and clear the air. We have to start a new relationship with openness and understanding. I now know about her disorder and I will help her if she wants helped. We do need to set up boundaries and have a plan for different situations.

[Willis002]

Had my first therapy session. Was basically a get to know you session. She said I am codependent. That she believes she will come back and migh just have borderline traits from the things I told her.