Reversing the dependency

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi. I am a 31 year old from a divorced home. My parents and their respective families live in two different countries and I have always struggled with a sense of "rootlessness." My father and many of his siblings suffer from OCD to varying degrees. I have been described as having obsessive tendencies towards assuming responsibility and I am very good at it, which makes me a bit narcissistic (very mild in clinical terms).

My gf (now ex) started showing some very alarming tendencies early in our relationship. Her mother is a classic BPD candidate and has mentally abused my ex since she was very young. She has also abused me on nearly every visit we made (often triggered by alcohol) together, which quickly confirmed the stories / behavior of my ex. Her episodes were infrequent, however typically occurred on family trips, which complicated matters further because my family is now afraid / very skeptical of her.

We co-discovered the BPD traits diagnosis as we looked for answers to improve our relationship. That was about 2 years into our relationship. In the last 1,5 years, I have seen real progress... .but I have also suffered through some very disturbing episodes that basically drained me of my will to continue. The romantic spark flickered and although not dead, went into hibernation. She broke up with me two weeks ago, just as I had quit my job and accepted a new one to move to the city where she had just gotten her "dream job." I am typically a very positive and jovial person and she rightly had noticed that my passion for life had suffered since her last major episode, which happened at a wedding with my entire family in attendance. I truly believe that she can go into remission. She caught BPD at a young age (25) and she is incredibly smart and reflective. I am now struggling with the idea of our relationship permanently ending. I almost broke it off so many times and threatened to do so if she did not take her therapy seriously (which she eventually did to my satisfaction). However, I wasn't ready to throw in the towel yet... .I am very stubborn and hate to lose, especially when my vision for the future included us basking in the glory of defeating BPD together. I was her caretaker and honestly I am not sure how I could have let go of that role even if she was 100% in remission. Is it possible to reverse this dependency? What are the chances that we will be able to have that 50 / 50 partnership that I want for the mother of my future children? Thanks so much for helping. I am really struggling here

[Good_Guy]

Hi. I am a 31 year old from a divorced home. My parents and their respective families live in two different countries and I have always struggled with a sense of "rootlessness." My father and many of his siblings suffer from OCD to varying degrees. I have been described as having obsessive tendencies towards assuming responsibility and I am very good at it, which makes me a bit narcissistic (very mild in clinical terms).

My gf (now ex) started showing some very alarming tendencies early in our relationship. Her mother is a classic BPD candidate and has mentally abused my ex since she was very young. She has also abused me on nearly every visit we made (often triggered by alcohol) together, which quickly confirmed the stories / behavior of my ex. Her episodes were infrequent, however typically occurred on family trips, which complicated matters further because my family is now afraid / very skeptical of her.

We co-discovered the BPD traits diagnosis as we looked for answers to improve our relationship. That was about 2 years into our relationship. In the last 1,5 years, I have seen real progress... .but I have also suffered through some very disturbing episodes that basically drained me of my will to continue. The romantic spark flickered and although not dead, went into hibernation. She broke up with me two weeks ago, just as I had quit my job and accepted a new one to move to the city where she had just gotten her "dream job." I am typically a very positive and jovial person and she rightly had noticed that my passion for life had suffered since her last major episode, which happened at a wedding with my entire family in attendance. I truly believe that she can go into remission. She caught BPD at a young age (25) and she is incredibly smart and reflective. I am now struggling with the idea of our relationship permanently ending. I almost broke it off so many times and threatened to do so if she did not take her therapy seriously (which she eventually did to my satisfaction). However, I wasn't ready to throw in the towel yet... .I am very stubborn and hate to lose, especially when my vision for the future included us basking in the glory of defeating BPD together. I was her caretaker and honestly I am not sure how I could have let go of that role even if she was 100% in remission. Is it possible to reverse this dependency? What are the chances that we will be able to have that 50 / 50 partnership that I want for the mother of my future children? Thanks so much for helping. I am really struggling here

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome GoodGuy:

I'm so sorry about the break-up of your relationship.  That has to be very hurtful.

I almost broke it off so many times and threatened to do so if she did not take her therapy seriously (which she eventually did to my satisfaction). However, I wasn't ready to throw in the towel yet... .I am very stubborn and hate to lose, especially when my vision for the future included us basking in the glory of defeating BPD together. I was her caretaker and honestly I am not sure how I could have let go of that role even if she was 100% in remission.

Unfortunately, we can't fix someone else.  BPD isn't likely to go into 100% remission.  People can improve and learn skills to manage it, but the likelihood is that issues will resurface during various life events and stresses.

Is it possible that she came to resent you acting as "her caretaker"?  In what ways did you act as her caretaker?

She broke up with me two weeks ago, just as I had quit my job and accepted a new one to move to the city where she had just gotten her "dream job." . . .What are the chances that we will be able to have that 50 / 50 partnership that I want for the mother of my future children?

Did she give you a reason for the break-up?  It is unfortunate that you quit your job.  Have you already moved to the new city?  Was she aware that you were planning to quit your job and move to her new city before the break-up?

[obliv326]

Much of this reminds me of things that occurred in my relationship as well. I was sort of he caretaker, and that did lead to resentment, esp once we sort of broke up.

It does sound like you are fortunate in one sense... .she seems very reflective and I'm guessing that once she gets a bit of distance and some clarity, she will see that you have made a lot of sacrifices, up to and including moving to a new city for her, she will take that into account. I could be wrong, but my relationship would go in that direction... .she would lash out when she was triggered, then later realize that she was being kind of mean and walk it back. It's fhaf "push/pull" thing they seem to do. So coming from an outsider it seems like there's a shot she will try and repair things.

Best of luck regardless.