How to stop romanticising abuse?

[Curiously1]

I think I have "bad girl" syndrome   

It should be easier to let go and to move on completely when somebody cannot make you happy, fulfill your wants and needs in a more emotionally healthy way.

When you find out your ex has done horrible things to many people across the country and you find yourself still intrigued by her crafted ways and how she compartementalised things and manipulates to get her way. I find her appalling, immoral etc. and at the same breath it seems to be what I liked most about her. I liked how she was different and stood out and how she made herself  be the most important in the room. No boundaries wasn't healthy but at the same time it made her interesting in the fact that I could explore anything I wanted and felt like the possibilities were endless and that there was nothing holding me back to do anything with her. She stood out and I still seek after her best traits/qualities in other people.

My brain tricks me to believe that I was special because I wasn't treated as badly as certain others.
My brain tricks me to believe that I can handle my ex like nobody can if she returns because I wasn't mistreated as badly. For example, I never experienced threats of violence from her.
My brain tricks me to believe that I am only attracted to high functioning disordered individuals who are highly manipulative.
My brain tricks me to believe most intelligent people are also crazy.  so I must accept that.


These distorted thoughts/beliefs make it difficult for me to completely let her go believing she can still benefit me and has what I want if I cannot find it anywhere else. So please feel free to debunk them for me.

I want to believe that I'll find someobody "normal" who has similar qualities my ex has because she very much reflected my ideal partner in regards to dominance, power and intelligence.

To me, all she lacked was emotional intelligence but that itself, is still very important to me and what I was looking for in her. I remember justifying a lot that nobody's perfect to feel like I can settle with her. There reached a point in our relationship where I felt frustrated and needed more than just charm, mind-control, and intelligence and more of the real person inside who can be vulnerable. I wish she had more empathy and more emotionally available. I wish saw me more as a person rather than her most favourite object at the time that makes her feel good about herself and only demands me to give her positive feelings 24/7

I think I am moving on alright. I am giving others a chance to date me as well as cultivate all that I had wanted to see from her as well as admired from her into my own self.

I really like intelligent, charming women who are able to influence many people and potentially gain a lot of power. I should believe I am able to get all of that for myself too in a more positive way. I have my own good qualities, but perhaps trying to be more like the type of person I am really drawn/attracted to will remind me that there is nothing my ex or anybody can give me that I cannot get myself. Or that I already posess what I am after but I need to believe in myself more and keep striving to increase all of these things... .or be greatful for what I currently have. I know I still have a bit of journey to take to be and really feel like that confident, intelligent woman but I'll slowly get there. I should still feel good that I use my own qualities and what I have now at least in ways that benefits and considers others lives - unlike my ex who destroys people.

Also, with the whole lovebombing phase, I recognise it can be a redflag in dating but sometimes I do that same thing to others because I enjoy learning about them and making people feel good about themselves so they open up to me more. Surely there are emotionally expressive partners that get you excited or feel more alive that are not disordered individuals who will end up harming you... as well?

But yes, I still find myself romanticising about taming her. Keeping her contained. And enjoying what she had to offer that I felt nobody I have met so far has yet to show me.
I know she hasn't let go of me completely, because she is feels entitled to come back when it suits her. I am no use to her while she is with someone new and who is more well-established.
A part of me feels a little insecure about that but I know I can be successful too in my own way but at least without someone toxic around me.
Perhaps if I can do all of these things for myself, I won't have to seek out somebody like her ever again.
But could she really make me happy? Probably not fully. But she was closer than most to what I think I want in a partner.

Is there another way around feeling this way about her?

What else can I do to stop romanticising an abusive person?

[Curiously1]

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[Turkish]

Can you put yourself in someone else's place,  even hypothetically?

I was going through this in my mind this weekend.  Nevermind the emotional stuff, there are restraining orders associated with both relationships on either side of mine (previous bf, which looks like it was justified,  and trying to serve her current husband's relative). She's committed misdemeanor battery on her current H (probably stbxh) twice now.  Even when I talk to her and she seems so normal.  I think,  "what person, if they knew the truth,  would desire a r/s with her?"

Similarly,  a woman my age,  dBPD  (and some other things), whom I've known since a teen.  She's still alluring and attractive,  sexy even.  Yet she admitted to me two years ago to mutual  :)V and infidelity in both marriages and other relationships. Still,  I admit I find her mildly attractive.  Would I ever chance a r/s? No way, not knowing what I do now.  I now resist to fall into the trap of being The One to "make it better,"  "save" this person,  or "do better" than the others. 

I think getting to the root of what attracts us in the first place (in thinking long term, not a "hook up" goes a long way towards avoiding such a future r/s such as what brought is here.  

[myself]

Do you find that wanting to 'tame her' is something you want to do, coming from within yourself (is a recurring pattern in your relationships, or something you've wanted to explore), or more something you feel she has expressed? More for yourself to hang onto her, or for her to hang onto you? Is there a desperation to the romanticizing? My ex and so many of the other exes here have real issues with being in control/being controlled (and it turns out that many of us posting here do as well). Being 'tamed' was certainly something that was struggled against, in my r/s, even when it wasn't actually happening. Any moments since then, where I may have been longing to be back there being hurt again, or finding myself minimizing the abuse, were times my self-esteem was at an ebb and I was still grasping at straws. As many of us go through, perhaps you too?

[Curiously1]

Do you find that wanting to 'tame her' is something you want to do, coming from within yourself (is a recurring pattern in your relationships, or something you've wanted to explore), or more something you feel she has expressed? More for yourself to hang onto her, or for her to hang onto you? Is there a desperation to the romanticizing? My ex and so many of the other exes here have real issues with being in control/being controlled (and it turns out that many of us posting here do as well). Being 'tamed' was certainly something that was struggled against, in my r/s, even when it wasn't actually happening. Any moments since then, where I may have been longing to be back there being hurt again, or finding myself minimizing the abuse, were times my self-esteem was at an ebb and I was still grasping at straws. As many of us go through, perhaps you too?

I think it's both. I am used to focusing on others to feel good or that I have a purpose and she would tell me that I make her feel safe, so empathised on her feeling safe throughout our relationship. I felt important and that she was counting on me. I don't think it's necessarily that I want to control her. I just feel like I could have handled it better but still it wouldn't have been ideal relationship for me. She is not really hanging onto me atm cos she's in a new relationship but does not cut me off altogether. I hang onto her because I feel like I still care. There isn't a desperation with the romanticising at the moment but I still think about her and what I'd do if she returned and that I just know her really well, I think. I don't feel like I need her but I'm still having a  hard time letting her completely go because I think in general I find it hard to cut people off no matter how awful they've been. We still have each other on Skype but we don't communicate to each other. We just know when we are both online etc. I certainly wasn't 100% happy with my relationship with her because she lacked emotional maturity or cared more about her needs than anyone else to such a degree you start to feel like just everyone else. Not a priority. I was always longing for something more but at the same time admired many of her qualities mentioned above that I don't always find when I date others and want. I sometimes 'relapse' I guess, thinking this is what I deserve because I am used to one-sided relationships for most of my life. But I don't want to convince myself that I'm going to just accept that just because I haven't had any better or that being in a relationship that is not completely satisfying is better than being alone. I still benefitted from being with her or else I wouldn't have been with her in the first place.

[Curiously1]

Can you put yourself in someone else's place,  even hypothetically?

I was going through this in my mind this weekend.  Nevermind the emotional stuff, there are restraining orders associated with both relationships on either side of mine (previous bf, which looks like it was justified,  and trying to serve her current husband's relative). She's committed misdemeanor battery on her current H (probably stbxh) twice now.  Even when I talk to her and she seems so normal.  I think,  "what person, if they knew the truth,  would desire a r/s with her?"

Similarly,  a woman my age,  dBPD  (and some other things), whom I've known since a teen.  She's still alluring and attractive,  sexy even.  Yet she admitted to me two years ago to mutual  DV and infidelity in both marriages and other relationships. Still,  I admit I find her mildly attractive.  Would I ever chance a r/s? No way, not knowing what I do now.  I now resist to fall into the trap of being The One to "make it better,"  "save" this person,  or "do better" than the others. 

I think getting to the root of what attracts us in the first place (in thinking long term, not a "hook up" goes a long way towards avoiding such a future r/s such as what brought is here. 

But in who's place? others who have experienced worse abuse?
If I was threatened with violence you mean and been a lot more verbally abused and such?
It tells me that she does not value or respect them as autonomous people and their friendship. It tells me she is selective, two-faced and is not loyal to anyone... unless  you have something she currently needs/wants and of course, idealises you. Maybe a part of me is addicted to someone idealising me, and not necessarily has to be her, who knows? I like that intensity but shouldnt have to be a need to be in a r/s with someone. But I know its more of genuine appreciation that I need. Not idealising what I might not be.
There is reason why she didn't treat me in the exact same manner but at the same time it doesn't make her any better of a person. It may make me feel a little more preferred or 'special' case I try to remember that it doesn't mean she couldn't potentially have become worse with me overtime. I wouldn't know.
I think I've grown to comfortable with her to the point it was easy to just normalise her behaviour, although milder than what the others experienced. She wasn't as out of control when she was with me, at least in those ways described but I do believe them when they describe how she treated them.
It really is a trap to feel like you can do better than the others. I have the chance of just having a better relationship and don't care anymore about her the longer we are no longer in contact.
I was attracted to her because of her flaws and felt like I could help fix. I was also attracted to her other positive qualities I discovered. I felt excessively wanted and significant and that felt good.
I shouldn't see feeling important as an action I need to take. Perhaps that was an issue.
Normally in healthier relationships you wouldn't need to take as much action because they manage themselves well and shouldn't equate that to being rendered useless.
I've only been in disordered toxic relationships. Maybe it's also about getting out of my comfort zone because what I should get away from is what I am comfortable with ... .despite its negative effects on me as well.

[Curiously1]

In a way, I question my limits with her and it's scary to find that I possibly may not have a limit or perhaps she hadn't reached the limit I would completely cut her off, I don't know. But it's not good that my tolerance is a lot higher perhaps and I can't explain why I don't know my limit with her is. I don't think anybody appreciated being abused etc. I wish I had that inbuilt in me like others seem to have where once aline is crossed, that's it. And they are ok with their decision of cutting the person off. It's been a long time since I have cut a really toxic person out of my life and it was for the better but it was so difficult to do and looks like I still have the same difficulty because I still care about her.