I'm at my wits end.

[Sisterluv]

Hi. I'm new to this group. I have a sister who is a high functioning BPD. She has caused great anxiety in my life for 50 years. Unfortunately the focus in our family has always been on my reaction to her behavior. Her manipulative, argumentative, belittling and condescending attitude and behavior has caused me to lash out violently at her.  I realized  she is triggering this response in me so I  have ceased contact with my family so I can heal. My parents have tolerated her behavior but now she has a son I'm worried about.   I'd like to refocus the family on the real issue but they are stuck on my anger. Yes I'm angry!  I've been blamed for her behavior for 50 years. I've sought counseling my whole life but only focused on me. Now that I found Walking on eggshells. ... it all makes sense. But my anger and resentment towards my mom,  dad,  and sister is huge now. Since reading the book I feel sorry for her but still angry.  Anyone else that has gone through this?  Advice please. 

[Kwamina]

 Hi Sisterluv

You have been dealing with this for many years now. I can understand these feelings you are experiencing after all this time, also considering the way the rest of your family deals with and views the situation.

Taking the time and space to work on your healing is very wise I think. It is very difficult to heal when you're constantly in a negative and invalidating environment. How long have you been NC (no contact) with your family? How did they respond to you going NC?

You are now worried about your sister's son. Knowing what you have experienced with her, I can see why you would be worried. Do you know how your sister is currently treating her son? Do you perhaps have any indications that she might be mistreating him?

Feeling anger and coming to terms with your anger, is part of the healing process. Many of our members have struggled with feelings of anger and resentment. I think it is normal to feel that way at some point. When you for instance look at the Survivor's Guide in the right-hand side margin of this screen, you will see that anger is mentioned several times (in step 6 and 10). As you heal, I however do hope you will be able to let go of some of this anger and resentment.

Take care and welcome to  bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

[Sisterluv]

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It means a lot to me to have others understand my situation. It's been 6 weeks with no contact, until they reignited my anger by reaching out to friends of mine for an intervention for me.  Thankfully they reached out to my SIL (sister in law) who is a pychologist. But regardless once again they are focusing on the reaction to the behavior and not the action. This has been the case my whole life I believe my mother possibly suffers from BPD as well. I live many states away from them now and they rarely travel to see me I travel to see them so I feel safe here. I had decided to have no contact after my outrageous behavior towards my sister. They did not realize I was in a NC situation with them they just thought it was NC with my sister and I was waiting to heal a bit more before contacting them (mom and dad). I did politely send a birthday gift to my mom during all this. Then they decided to write me a letter and stated that they would have only written contact with me until I sought rehab. They think I have a drinking problem.  I agree I drink to excess when I have to deal with my family.  But when I don't have contact with my family I don't drink alcohol in excess. I drink which is a bad idea to manage my stress with my family. Therefore I'm an easy scapegoat. I take the responsibility for the distraction this may cause.

I was in a NC situation 13 years ago just before my nephew was born. After his birth somehow we started talking again. Then I went to visit to see my nephew and the visit was without incident. For a few years the relationship was stable with my sister, but only because the focus was on my nephew not me. Now that he's older the focus has returned to me. But now that I have a successful  business and life with my boyfriend of 17 yrs. when i do have contact with "them" my anger has increased. I don't want "them/her" to jeopardize the life I created. I am so fragile when it comes to dealing with them. It scares me to deal with "them".

As far as my nephew is concerned... .my mom and dad and I had discussed our concern with how my sister would handle motherhood with his bio father. (My sister was never married to him they only had a brief relationship... .just long enough for her to get pregnant)  he was concerned as well and has maintained a "good" relationship with my sister and with his son. BUT... .he lives across the country and only sees his son at Christmas and for a month in the summer.  My nephew has learning issues and issues with focus. He doesn't appear to have a lot of friends, except online where he spends his afternoons and weekends on computer gaming.  My sister went to the pound and rescued 2 dogs. He is afraid of the dogs so he stays locked up in his room. Not sure the truth behind this... .is he afraid of his mom or the dogs?  The irony here is the focus was on my sister once she had a child. I thought my parents would be more concerned with helping her get therapy etc. because of my nephew... .that soon fizzled. Now they have refocused on me. I am very concerned for his well being. The solution to his focus issues is "medication".

My emotional stability is very fragile. I am on a roller coaster. Sometimes I find myself feeling sorry for my sister (and mom and dad).  I am also angry they didn't take family therapy seriously 35 years ago when the psychiatrist said my mom and sister were the issue. They just ignored the recommendations to continue with therapy. Once they were the focus they quit therapy. I'd like to get the transcripts from those session but I believe she died.
I'm resentful of my dad and mom's blind eye to the real issue, my sister's Bpd.  I have continued with therapy throughout my life in desperation to find a solution. But I always felt I was the problem so I focused on me. This was non productive. I have little hope knowing that high functioning BPD's refuse therapy. SO how do I explain this to my parents? Without a psychiatric evaluation confirming this diagnosis they will never believe me.

[drained1996]

Hello sisterluv... .I feel your pain... .literally.  In the last few years I've learned what a negative impact my family of origin (FOO) had on me when it came to enabling my PD mother.  Like you I have experienced plenty of resentment and anger in my life all revolving around my mother and how many times I was the one who ultimately and illogically held responsible for how SHE felt. 

One thing I've learned is that we cannot change them, but we can change how we react and communicate with them.  To the right of this page you will see some lessons and a guide that you will find useful along your way.  Definitely check out the tools at the top of the page as it will help with communication suggestions as well as setting boundaries.  One thing I noticed when I began to implement some of these things was that life with them did get better.  In no way did it fix my mother... .or sisters and their own selfish denial... .rather it centered me and gave me the ability to better regulate myself with understanding the illness, it's nuances, and how to better communicate to avoid some of the difficult times. 
Radical Acceptance helped in my process tremendously... .here is a link:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0

As for your nephew, if you can find ways to better navigate your parents and your sister and improve that, hopefully you'll have more access and influence to at least help him some way. 

[Sisterluv]

Thank you Kwamina and drained1996. I am reading the help you all have suggested. I will be back. I can't express the gratitude I have for all the support. I am very grateful for the support.  

[drained1996]

We're glad you found us Sisterluv!  We look forward to hearing how things progress.  Feel free to post with any questions or concerns you may come up with in your process. 
Keep in mind, this is all a marathon, not a sprint, so do your best not to overwhelm yourself at first!  Also, keep YOU and YOUR well being at the top of your list!