Wanted to leave, felt like i couldn't, then she left, felt horrible

[Broken88]

Anyone else has had same experience?  Of thinking alot about leaving and actually trying to break it off many times. And then she finally doesnt want me anymore, and All i do is Think about her...

It feels really weird for me, because i thought i would feel more free than still trapped...

[FallBack!Monster]

Anyone else has had same experience?  Of thinking alot about leaving and actually trying to break it off many times. And then she finally doesnt want me anymore, and All i do is Think about her...

It feels really weird for me, because i thought i would feel more free than still trapped...

I can certainly relate. It's more like a worry.  Not sure what I'm worried about.  Could be a few years from now I find out I have an incurable disease. Worries about starting over, or if im up to it. Worries about not smoking, losing weight, old age, not money, why she did me and not skip me. How much pain she must be in to do so much harm to herself and laugh about it, to herself. She must really hate herself. I think about the signs I ignored and why. Bit now I know why. A good friend spelled it out for me.
So yes, many IUI n the world can relate. Lots of sociopaths roaming. At least mine was proud to be one.  People's misfortunes made her glow

[woundedPhoenix]

Anyone else has had same experience?  Of thinking alot about leaving and actually trying to break it off many times. And then she finally doesnt want me anymore, and All i do is Think about her...

It feels really weird for me, because i thought i would feel more free than still trapped...

You only know what you miss when it is really gone. And in this case it is an extremely mixed bag of candy.

There is poisonous candy, sour candy, distastefull candy, smelly and sticky candy, instant headache candy, reality altering candy, explosive candy but also some of the best candy we ever had, deep down in the bag.
Somehow, that best candy, that feeling that we will never have that again keeps us stuck, and often makes us forget that all the good candy in that bag is gone and most of whats left are those candies we rather not eat.

After the breakup, we sometimes consider the bag only to be filled with the great candy, and thats how selective memory plays a role on our side.

[JJacks0]

That's a great analogy, wounded, it's so true.

I feel the same way, Broken. Thought about being "free" so to speak, for a long time, but could never bring myself to break up with her. Eventually she took matters into her own hands. I guess I never imagined it would actually happen.
I feel free once in a while, when I'm able to do something or talk to someone without consequence. But that's pretty fleeting.
I miss her like crazy now. All I think about are the good memories.

[Broken88]

That's a great analogy, wounded, it's so true.

I feel the same way, Broken. Thought about being "free" so to speak, for a long time, but could never bring myself to break up with her. Eventually she took matters into her own hands. I guess I never imagined it would actually happen.
I feel free once in a while, when I'm able to do something or talk to someone without consequence. But that's pretty fleeting.
I miss her like crazy now. All I think about are the good memories.

Yes great analogy Pheonix! It really feels like all good candies yes... And jacks, i miss her like crazy as well right now, but i do also feel small pinches of that freedom. I just went to a friends house, a female one at that, without planning it 3 days before.! That's amazing...

I hope you will feel better soon jacks! I really think you deserve to be happy again just normal happy, not jumping up and down and then 10 minuts later be crying...

[Hisaccount]

I am in the same boat. Said I tired, gave it my all. We shouldn't be together.
Thought she was a horrible partner or spouse.

For me that hardest part is, I just learned about BPD and co dependency after she filed divorce and left.
Also she blames me for some things that are true as well as all the false ones.

So I sit here and think I know how to do this now. Or do i? It is so confusing.
I would like another shot, maybe I will be better off if I don't get it.

We can only control us, the hurting will stop. I hope. It is out of our control, do your best to move on.
One day at a time.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Broken88, Why did you want to leave?  Why did you feel like you couldn't?  What prevented you from leaving?  I know these are tough questions, but the answers might help you to move forward.

LuckyJim

[Broken88]

Hey Broken88, Why did you want to leave?  Why did you feel like you couldn't?  What prevented you from leaving?  I know these are tough questions, but the answers might help you to move forward.

LuckyJim

I wanted to leave because, my logical part of the brain was telling me, that this is unhealthy, that this is too much drama, too many ups and downs for me.

First i felt like i couldn't leave, because she would threaten with suicide, and attempted a couple of times as well... And she would always beg me to stay, literally beg...
I would feel like the worst a-hole in the world, and take her back. Probably if she just left me be for a few days, i would come running back to her.
Because this was also something which prevented my leaving. I loved her and still love her in a strong and weird way. When i was around her all the time, she was too much.

But now without her, it's too empty, too not her... I guess that is what prevented me the times, where i really had a chance, where she was about to let go, but i couldn't let her go...

So i guess it comes back to me not being able, to survive without that STRONG validation and love that comes from/with a BPD partner...
I answered the best i could 

[quote author=Hisaccount link=topic=302180.msg12823650#msg12823650 date=148096024

So I sit here and think I know how to do this now. Or do i? It is so confusing.
I would like another shot, maybe I will be better off if I don't get it.

We can only control us, the hurting will stop. I hope. It is out of our control, do your best to move on.
One day at a time.

[/quote]

Maybe we would know how now... Maybe not, maybe even with all the information in the world, we would still not be able to handle them/handle ourselves... I think with every recycle, the r/s becomes more unstable, and more likely to fail yet again...

What you do is up to you, but i know, that i want to find a more stable partner for my next one, so i maybe will be able to find myself, or if i already did when the time comes, keep myself

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Broken, It sounds like an unhealthy dynamic to me.  I should know: my BPDxW threatened suicide many times.  Like you, I felt paralyzed and was unable to leave.  She employed F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) to control me, on top of a lot of drama.  It was a r/s based on neediness, mine as well as hers.  Suggest you move on and look for that stable partner you mention!

LuckyJim

[Hisaccount]

Maybe we would know how now... Maybe not, maybe even with all the information in the world, we would still not be able to handle them/handle ourselves... I think with every recycle, the r/s becomes more unstable, and more likely to fail yet again...

What you do is up to you, but i know, that i want to find a more stable partner for my next one, so i maybe will be able to find myself, or if i already did when the time comes, keep myself

So you think you are in the recycle phase, see I am not there yet. I haven't got my first one. I am waiting for it, well not waiting, I am trying to move on as well.
But great attitude that you want your next one more stable, awesome you are looking ahead.

[Broken88]

So you think you are in the recycle phase, see I am not there yet. I haven't got my first one. I am waiting for it, well not waiting, I am trying to move on as well.
But great attitude that you want your next one more stable, awesome you are looking ahead.

I am trying to look ahead... It is very difficult for me. I really wish that i could just be with her, that she even wanted to be with me. But she doesn't, she has moved on. She flips between being angry at me and trying to be a "normal" friend, sending me fcking pictures of instruments she wants to buy, chatting like nothing happened...

This is the first breakup you had ? how long where you together ? ( i have read some of your posts i remember, but i cannot remember these things, sorry ) But good you are trying to move on! so am i, it is so difficult not to get lost in a fantasy where they come back. But i think it is important to try to move on with our lives. We cannot stay in this state...

- LuckyJim

You are right, about the FOG and the stable partner... But still, today is one month since she said Yes to marry me... Feeling kind of sad, kind of without purpose... But i know that this too shall pass... It is just difficult to see at this point...

[seeperplexed]

I had an extremely similar experience. I addressed the concern to my BPDex multiple times in very simple terms... .this and this must change or I feel I may have to leave. I loved her so deeply and simply didn't WANT to leave. I figured that by communicating, we could get on the same page and respect one another's wishes, making things well for the both of us.

WRONG. I moved in with her after one year, and the ensuing three months were hell. I felt like a broken record and I simply couldn't leave. Every night I would amp myself up to try to break up with her but I simply couldn't. I don't understand it and I didn't then. Then I found out I'd been lied to from the first day I met her and cheated on with a minimum of 3 men. She then moved across the country. Yep.

[Hisaccount]

This is the first breakup you had ? how long where you together ? ( i have read some of your posts i remember, but i cannot remember these things, sorry ) But good you are trying to move on! so am i, it is so difficult not to get lost in a fantasy where they come back. But i think it is important to try to move on with our lives. We cannot stay in this state...

wow you are so correct, lost in the fantasy is the best way to put it.

I still go back and forth every minute of everyday.
We known each other for 13 years. First three we were just friends. Got married, first two years of that we had a long distance relationship of 1000 miles apart (both had kids and didn't want to move) Then she moved and it all started going downhill.
So married for 10 if you didn't add that up.
She is 37 and I think age has a lot to do with the BPD process.

You know as well as I do what we would be getting into if they come back. I get the mixed signals. She chose the house she is moving out of and definitely doesn't want to come back there. But tells me how amazing I am and what a perfect husband I will be again. what the heck?
I have been trying to get her to date but it is too soon.
From talking to her parents I know she loves me, she is just mad at me and I have seen that anger start to melt away.
 
When she comes back for the recycle I hope to be ready.
I think I am going to sit her down and form guidelines with her or I hope to be strong enough to simply walk away if she doesn't agree.

In the end she knows the best and worst of me as I do her. We have always had an awesome friendship as a foundation. We never cheated on each other. (physically but she thinks I did) but never.
She knows I can make her dreams come true and I am about the only person in the world that can. I have a lot going for me and I think she wants this, she just needs to work on herself some now. Like her parents said she is just mad for some reason and I think it is stress from her failing business. Once that stress leaves one way or another she will be back unless of course she kills herself which is possible too.
I just, or we just need to be prepared.

But being prepared doesn't mean stop moving on. If you two are meant to be together it will happen.

Like for me, I think I am going to start training for triathlons, if she wants to be a part of my life she will. But it is something completely new to me and something I can focus on other than the same old.

[Lucky Jim]

You are right, about the FOG and the stable partner... But still, today is one month since she said Yes to marry me... Feeling kind of sad, kind of without purpose... But i know that this too shall pass... It is just difficult to see at this point...

Sorry to hear, Broken.  I was unaware that you had proposed.  Of course it's sad.  On the other hand, I was married for 13 years to a pwBPD, which was an ordeal from which I barely escaped.  You're right, it's tough to leave.  But it's a lot tougher to stay, believe me.  You dodged a bullet, my friend, though it may not feel like it now.

LuckyJim

[Broken88]

Sorry to hear, Broken.  I was unaware that you had proposed.  Of course it's sad.  On the other hand, I was married for 13 years to a pwBPD, which was an ordeal from which I barely escaped.  You're right, it's tough to leave.  But it's a lot tougher to stay, believe me.  You dodged a bullet, my friend, though it may not feel like it now.

LuckyJim

Hey LJ

It really pains me, that just one month ago i was engaged, and actually also trying to get a baby... I was fully drawn into the fantasy at that point, it felt like this could actually work... I knew something was off, wrong, but i didn't want to believe it... But i know i can get better now, maybe than i ever was, which leads me to the next section:
I have dodged a bullet...
That is what i keep saying to myself, actually it helps a little. I am still not NC, and today she felt the need to give me some sh*t about stuff that happened a long time ago. All of her msgs was about her alone, not anything or anyone else, about her... Helps me keep focus on what's important. - I am sorry you had to go through that! And happy that you are trying to share your wisdom with a post BPD relationship newbie.

- Hisaccount

Actually i am a bit envious of you, i too would love to get another shot... Even if it would be unhealthy for me. But in my r/s there was cheating from both parts, first me (maybe i suspect something might have happened earlier in the r/s) and then her... but not until the end of the r/s, mine 5 months before end, hers about 1 month...

I really hope for you that you are aware of the stuff you are going to get put through if you continue. I understand why you want to, it's probably the same reason why i would jump back with my ex. But really try to be as strong as possible, and not let it break you down. But beware, one day these push-pull episodes will be the real deal, and she will not want you back after that. If you are painted black the way i was.


-seeperplexed

I am sorry you have gone through that ! Mine said yes to marry me, only to move in with another guy 7 days later... It's really hard  I am not sure if she cheated during the relationship until the end as i wrote above.