For me, boundaries = game over.

[Monge]

**NOTE** this turned out a wholeeee lot longer than I meant it to ... .guess I needed to vent - feel free to read the last paragraph or 2 which will give you a pretty good idea of where things stand right now hah.  

I've been reading through all the workshop posts over and over again for the past few months and trying to make sense of everything.  Unfortunately BPD isn't something I was familiar with at all when this relationship started about 18 months ago and because of the situation I was in I had a very difficult time (as in completely neglected) setting any kind of boundaries.  I've always had a healthy view of myself and of relationships, but thew one I've been in the past 18 months has completely thrown me on a loop and I felt like I was completely lost until the end of June when I started reading up and identifying what I believe has been going on... .

I've always had a healthy idea and view of relationships and all of my past relationships have been over when they ended - the past two relationships I've been in the girl has actually tried to get back together and said they made a mistake but I have been firm that now that it was over, it was over... .I have literally been trying to end the one I've been in since after about the first 3 months of the relationship and have been "charmed" back in with numerous different tactics.  I've always been very good at identifying when someone is bullting me, so the hardest part of it all has honestly been the fact that she truly believesthe version of events that she has stored in her memory.  Let me go back and explain a little more about how this all started... .

My ex gf and I broke up back in June 2014... . We lived together in Brooklyn, but this was a mutual decision because our relationship was honestly based on the idea of a past relationship we had over a summer while we were both home from college and we came to find out that both of us had really grown up and didn't really want the same things.  I was certainly sad about this, but we broke it off, she moved out, and we were still actually friendly after that and saw each other once in a while and had no bad feelings towards the other, etc.

In December 2014 I ended up being let go from my job which honestly hurt more than anything I've ever experienced in my life.  I worked at a place that was voted on Crains as one of the top 10 places to work in NYC and I fully and wholeheartedly loved my job and the people I worked with and everything else that went along with it... . To make a long story short, I was let go because I had started to take so many sick days (they were unlimited) because of what turned out to be two very serious issues that basically prevented me from doing anything.  The more immediately serious issue was an infection in the cartilage surrounding my trachea that the doctor who finally figured it out believed had been continually misdiagnosed for about 2.5 - 3 years.  I was put on augmentin about every 2-3 months during that time for what was thought to be a sinus infection.  Basically the antibiotics were too weak to kill this infection so after being put on the same thing so frequently it stopped working and the doctor who figured it out had to put me on an extremely strong antibiotic for about a month straight to actually kill it off (they also use it to treat plague, tubureculosis, anthrax, meningitis, etc. so it was pretty serious ).  

TL:)R: misdiagnosed sever illness resulted in lost job... .

so they figured this out and were then able to quickly identify that I had adhesive capsulitis of the shoulder https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adhesive_capsulitis_of_shoulder which I had to go through physical therapy for about 4 months... . Now the only reason I mention this level of detail is that it basically was at the point when my doctors identified all of this that I was unable to sit in a chair for more than 15 minutes without extreme and sharp shooting nerve pains throughout my shoulder, neck and back so I was unable to start looking for or interviewing for a new job.  I lived in my own apartment in Brooklyn until  the end of August 2015 with no income paying for rent and bills before I had to end up moving home with my parents back on Long Island, which is something I had sworn to myself I would never let happen when I went to college at JMU in Virginia after my senior year of high school.

After having to move back home is when I started hanging out again with the very strongly suspected BPD girl I've been with for the past 18 months... .We actually went to HS together (she was 2 years younger) and I made a comment on a picture she posted on facebook about how her eyes looked beautiful.  We met up and started hanging out within a few days... .

Within a week she was telling me how I loved her and how I understood her like no one else ever could, etc.  She had been in a few very abusive relationships with people who were "complete psychopaths" and were the worst people in the world.  She told me how I was the greatest thing in the world, etc. which at the time really helped me feel a little better about myself and boosted my self-esteem.  Within about 2 months she had completely prevented me from speaking with ANY of my friends and started changing everything so that she "thought I was the one, but if I coulnd't do x,y, z, then she must be wrong".  In the state I was in mentally at the time because I felt like such a reject from losing my job and moving back home with my parents to save on bills that it killed me to hear her say that (I cashed out both my 401k's totaling around $60k at age 28 and spent a significant amount on her) so I lost myself and began changing every time she demanded it... .

After 18 months I feel like I am no longer myself at all, have gained over 100 lbs because we never do ANYTHING (she thinks I look just fine), and no longer talk to any of my best friends that I've been very close with for over 10 years.  She says that I cannot talk to my family about anything that goes on between us because "she doesn't want there to be any problems" and she has successfully isolated me from pretty much everyone in my life...

I started working again back in June and that's around the time I started trying to read up online and found this website and it has been like a huge wake up call.  The hardest thing for me is that she is very smart so it's hard for me to comprehend the fact that she acts the way she does or thinks what she says because it's completely illogical and unreasonable by ANY standards and even asking to discuss anything brings on a huge rage-storm.  I've had an extremely hard time over the past few months trying to basically "back track" and put some boundaries in place.

For the past few days she has thrown a fit over a difference of opinion about physical abuse (we were talking about physical abuse and I said I think it's horrible and unacceptable for ANYONE to be physically abusive in a relationship at all and that it's just as bad for a female to be physically abusive as a male, and she has refused to see me for 2 days because I won't agree that "it's worse when a guy does it".  She was in a very physically abusive relationship in the past and her biological father was physically abusive when her and her brother were growing up and even though I am willing to agree that the harm done is usually worse when the physical abuse is perpetuated by a male, if I won't state that "it's always worse when a guy does it" then I am belittling her... .

She has continually flipped out, called me names, cursed at me, and generally just over all freaked out of the past few days over this and I told her that we need to have a conversation about the way we both behave in a fight and our expectations for the way we will behave in terms of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.  This was an attempt to put up a boundary since I have used the techniques to try and validate her feelings nonstop over the past few days, but because I was so bad at setting boundaries early on, she basically has loses it every time I try to put any kind of boundary in place and says that if I don't give in, she is leaving me and the relationship is over.  This is the first time I have not given in and I am trying my hardest to stick to it and refuse to crumble.

[Monge]

On a side note, I realize after re-reading this a few times that I've definitely jumped around quite a bit and left numerous details out.  I am happy to answer any questions to clarify what has happened in various situations, etc.  I simply wrote everything at first in one shot while I was still kind of angry about the way she has handled everything the past few days... .

[Monge]

also to be clear I'm certainly not looking for sympathy... .I tried to break up with her numerous times throughout this relationship and I have myself to blame for not making sure it stayed that way (she said she was going to literally jump off a bridge one time, so I went back... .went to a bar for a drink with a friend one time and ignored her and she drove around until she found where my car was parked on a side street and when I came out to go home she was next to my car... ., ignored and blocked her once and she smashed the glass  window-pane in my parents garage door trying to get in so I opened the door since she was bleeding, etc.)

I know I have done myself in by going back so many times and letting everrrrrything slide, but I still find that even now when I am refusing to talk to her at all, that I still at some messed up level miss her and want to curl up next to her in bed.  I'm sure it's because of my own insecurities still, but that doesn't really make it any easier =/

[Broken88]

Wow. I am sorry you had to go through all of this !

Welcome to the family ! You are with like-minded here. With people who has been through similar experiences.

I tried numerous times to leave the relationship i was in, i let it go for fcking 6 and a half years, and she was the one to dump me in the end.

Now 4 weeks after she dumped me, i still feel like sh*t. Even though i know she was abusive, manipulating and destroying me. I still love her, miss her, and like you want to curl up in bed next to her and just be.

It seems like you are in a dangerous place with this woman. Especially after you had so many health problems. My health deteriorated throughout the relationship, unlike you i lost a lot of weight each time we would recycle the relationship (get back together after a breakup)

So we know this is unhealthy right, but we still need it...

I can't tell you what to do, but i know what i (want to) will do. I will go completely No Contact, and i will try to continue my life and not kill myself... But right now i am still in contact with her, and it is still making me miserable...

There is no easy fix for this, but if you haven't read this article yet :
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

It helped me (a bit) and keep posting, i know we all would love to try and help you and guide you in this difficult period. I know i can use help, and i do use this site for some help .

Hope you will get better ! Hang in there

- Broken

[Monge]

  Broken 

Thanks, Broken!  The hardest part for me is going no contact because she makes it excessively difficult.  I had her number blocked on my cell phone all last night and since she couldn't get through that way, she called my parents house phone at almost midnight.  Luckily they hadn't quite gone to bed yet so it didn't wake them up, but she has called their house phone at 4:30am before and hung up when they answered and not me.  So to avoid that happening so my parents aren't pulled in to the middle of it I unblocked her number.  

Once before I had blocked her number and kept picking up and hanging up my parents house phone (I hadn't yet told my parents what was going on because I wasn't quite ready to talk about it) and since she couldn't get through, she just came over and came inside and all of a sudden she showed up behind me while I was on the computer... . 

I have texted with her and spoken with her today and while she has conceded to being open to having a conversation regarding expectations of our behavior, she is trying to say that I need to "promise I will never leave" even if she slips and continues to throw those expectations out the window.  She has given me her word that she would not do certain things in the past and in some instances goes back on that literally the same night and behaves the exact same way again.

It's basically like she wants me to promise I will never leave, but in the back of her mind she takes that for granted as some kind of free pass/get out of jail free card to continue behaving any way she likes.  This is the true border I am trying to put in place and she is still not having it - basically trying to make the entire situation my fault and refusing to have a conversation to set expectations if I insist that continuing to behave in certain ways will result in the relationship ending.

Am I wrong for insisting that if certain behavior continues, it will end the relationship?  I know logically it's not wrong, but she is starting to successfully make me feel like I am the one who is being stubborn even though I know in my head that it's just her trying to avoid having to take responsibility for her actions if she starts raging and doesn't want to or can't control herself.

[Monge]

It seems like you are in a dangerous place with this woman. Especially after you had so many health problems. My health deteriorated throughout the relationship, unlike you i lost a lot of weight each time we would recycle the relationship (get back together after a breakup)

So we know this is unhealthy right, but we still need it...

I think part of my issue has been that even though I have gained weight (which has always historically happened when I'm unhappy), there are a lot of ways I am physically healthier since I started dating her.  Since I had recently moved back home with my parents at the time, I was hanging out with a lot of my old friends from HS, who admittedly aren't the greatest characters... .I was smoking all the time (both marijuana and cigarettes), drinking all the time, going out to the bars until 4am 3 - 4 times a week, etc. which she was not okay with any made me stop doing.  I haven't smoked in almost 15 months (by far the longest I've gone without it in the past 12ish years... .) and don't drink as much any more, etc.

Unfortunately I don't do anything else at all either because she is excessively jealous and controlling in that sense.  I didn't even get to have homemade birthday cake last month with my twin sister and parents and open my cards with them because my sister's friend was coming over for cake and the fact that I wanted to have cake with my family meant to her that I wanted my sisters' friend and wanted to be around her.  She also has prevented me from riding my bike for the past 2 summers or  going to the gym/exercising at all because it turns in to a huge fight ("there are girls running outside - you want to ride your bike over to my house so you can check them out, don't you?" OR "you just want to go check out girls at the gym - if you go to the gym I'm done being with a sick liar like you".

So while I appreciate that she has helped/forced me to stop smoking and drinking because I know that is good for me, I feel like it's more about controlling me and getting me to act how she pictures her ideal boyfriend would act in an ideal relationship rather than wanting me to stop those things because they are bad for my health ("i said I never wanted to be in a relationship with someone who smoked/drank - you're lucky I made a huge exception by dating you", etc.)

[Broken88]

Okay, she is breaking a lot of boundaries, also calling your parents in the middle of the night is not okay. And you block her number probably triggered abandonment issues and other childhood traumas that made her act this way.

I don't believe she is trying to be evil, but everything is just so intense in her mind.

Getting a bit sidetracked here, back to the question.

Am I wrong for insisting that if certain behavior continues, it will end the relationship?  I know logically it's not wrong, but she is starting to successfully make me feel like I am the one who is being stubborn even though I know in my head that it's just her trying to avoid having to take responsibility for her actions if she starts raging and doesn't want to or can't control herself.

I don't think you are wrong for doing this, but the way you are putting it "if you don't stop this i will leave you" is a real easy way to trigger her (would be for mine i know that much) and that could lead to you doing something, trying to protect yourself from the harmful behavior, which will actually contribute to this drama and fighting we know so well.

I can't tell you what to do, but it seems like it's a doomed relationship, then again, so is mine, and i think i would have a lot of trouble rejecting her if she tried to get back together...

In my mind, you need to heal, from all you have been through. I think in both our cases a "boring" normal relationship, would give us just that, healing...

Hope you find any of this helpful

- Broken

[Monge]

Okay, she is breaking a lot of boundaries, also calling your parents in the middle of the night is not okay. And you block her number probably triggered abandonment issues and other childhood traumas that made her act this way.

I don't believe she is trying to be evil, but everything is just so intense in her mind.

Thanks, Broken - definitely helpful.  I actually stayed away from telling her the relationship would be over or saying anything like that in attempt to avoid triggering the abandonment issues she has (which are very deeply rooted and understandably so with the nasty things her biological father has said to her throughout her life).  I basically just said to her we need to have a conversation about this and the expectations we agree on need to be adhered to 100%.

Her defenses kicked in to high gear as soon as I said I needed this conversation to take place and she began incessantly saying I was threatening her and asking "or what?  what happens if I don't stick to it?  Then you leave me?".  I have responded to these questions by saying "no, I'm not saying I would leave you - I love you and want us to be together.  This is really important to me and I need you to honestly commit to sticking to this", but at that point she just accuses me of lying (a recurring theme about pretty much everything and anything possible) and demanding that I tell her I won't leave her even if she doesn't stick to whatever we agree on. 

My problem is that she has already promised to stop doing these things many times in the past and it never makes any difference.  I feel like since there have been no real consequences to the behavior continuing she pretty much feels like it doesn't matter whether she acts this way or not and that I will just forgive her.  I have tried to establish consequences in the past and it has basically backfired.  If I tell her that I won't be around her until she stops or apologizes, she starts falsely accusing me of not caring and wanting to be away from her so I can "do something messed up behind her back", etc...   I haven't been able to think of any consequences I can put in place when she crosses these boundaries that would be helpful in stopping or preventing the behavior and that she doesn't just turn against me and indicate that if I don't give in to her and let it slide then I'm a horrible person... .

[Monge]

I don't believe she is trying to be evil, but everything is just so intense in her mind.

This is a big part of what has made it difficult for me to end it.  I always end up feeling like I'm somehow being the bad guy by not giving in because I truly believe that she is not doing any of these things with the actual intention or goal of hurting me.

Since I've been able to start working again over the past number of months and have began being around people other than her again, I have started to come out of the FOG (largely because of finding this site and spending hours upon hours reading the articles and workshops).  The difficult issue for me is that I see very clearly when the defense mechanisms kick in and I understand that she doesn't want her behavior to hurt me , but if that is the result of what she has to do to avoid feeling shame because she knows she has done something wrong or acted inappropriately, then so be it... . She's fairly intelligent, so it's been difficult for me to grasp the fact that she cannot separate her emotions from logic and look at the situation from a perspective that is based solely on facts instead of the distorted version of reality she builds based on her feelings.  

[Monge]

Even though I know that for quite a few reasons this relationship was bound to fail and has been going downhill for over 15 months, I'm starting to pack up all of her things that are in my room to drop off at her house later tonight and it's absolutely killing me.  I wish I was angry - it would be so much easier than feeling like this =/

[Kelli Cornett]

You are not right for this person, you can not handle her. She is VERY BPD.

I think you need to try and find a way out. No matter what you do she will still act the same. No matter how many promises she makes you.


I know thats a hard reality to face but if you ever want free will she is not the women to be with.

[Monge]

I think you need to try and find a way out. No matter what you do she will still act the same. No matter how many promises she makes you.


I know thats a hard reality to face but if you ever want free will she is not the women to be with.

I agree but it definitely isn't easy to accept. I've never had an issue ending relationships I've beenIn with other girls in the past, but for whatever reason it's very hard to let go of this one. It has just made me feel like some terrible person and a complete failure.

I just got back from dropping off pretty much all the stuff she had at my place in front of her garage (although I'm sure I'll find some random things here and there that I'll need to collect and drop off at some point). I guess it's just taking things one day at a time now... .

[Kelli Cornett]

I agree but it definitely isn't easy to accept. I've never had an issue ending relationships I've beenIn with other girls in the past, but for whatever reason it's very hard to let go of this one. It has just made me feel like some terrible person and a complete failure.

I just got back from dropping off pretty much all the stuff she had at my place in front of her garage (although I'm sure I'll find some random things here and there that I'll need to collect and drop off at some point). I guess it's just taking things one day at a time now... .

Yes, that's all you can do. What's different about her that makes it hard?

[Lucky Jim]

I was so bad at setting boundaries early on, she basically has loses it every time I try to put any kind of boundary in place and says that if I don't give in, she is leaving me and the relationship is over. 

Hey Monge, This is typical arm twisting from a person w/BPD.  They use F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) to manipulate.  It's more or less emotional blackmail by the pwBPD in order to get his/her needs met.  Suggest you decline to give in to this kind of pressure; if you do, it only leads to more of the same.

LuckyJim

[Monge]

Hey Monge, This is typical arm twisting from a person w/BPD.  They use F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) to manipulate.  It's more or less emotional blackmail by the pwBPD in order to get his/her needs met.  Suggest you decline to give in to this kind of pressure; if you do, it only leads to more of the same.

LuckyJim

I know and I'm torn right now because she basically started contacting me this morning and at first was angry and like attacking me, then she started saying how she loves me and she will have the conversation with me but basically only if I promise not to ever leave her, etc.   I end up starting to feel bad for her because it's like she is literally freakin pitiful with how broken down she gets.

The funny thing about her asking me to promise to never leave her even if she wouldnt have this convo is that there have been plenty of instances where she has made me promise things and said she would leave otherwise. she says she will have the conversation with me to set expectations about acceptable behavior (although she needs a break so she won't have it now) and she swears she is not going to use this promise (if I do make it) as an excuse to get out of having the conversation, which I don't know if I believe at all... .

Why can't she just be freaking normal? It makes me soo frustrated

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Monge, As I said, beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation & guilt)!  Promise = Obligation, which can be used to manipulate you.  Suggest you be careful and try to steer clear of the FOG!  LJ

[Monge]

Hey Monge, As I said, beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation & guilt)!  Promise = Obligation, which can be used to manipulate you.  Suggest you be careful and try to steer clear of the FOG!  LJ

Thanks, Lucky Jim.  I called her on my way home from work and her inability to control her rage and temper is actually starting to help make it at least slightly easier... .As soon as I refuse to immediately comply with her requests to promise what she wants, she starts cursing at me, trying to bully me in to answering, talks over me, tells me she isn't listening to anything I say because everything is my fault and I'm always trying to start a problem, I tricked her in to thinking I wanted the fighting to end and then I'm keeping it going, etc. etc. etc.

Then she hangs up on me, and then calls be back 5-10 minutes later saying "are you readying to end this now?" - LOL

To be fair, I did tell her that I wanted the fighting to stop and that i would love for us to just work things out... .unfortunately in her mind the only way that can happen is if I immediately comply with what she wants me to promise and if I don't, then it's all over. 

[Kelli Cornett]

Thanks, Lucky Jim.  I called her on my way home from work and her inability to control her rage and temper is actually starting to help make it at least slightly easier... .As soon as I refuse to immediately comply with her requests to promise what she wants, she starts cursing at me, trying to bully me in to answering, talks over me, tells me she isn't listening to anything I say because everything is my fault and I'm always trying to start a problem, I tricked her in to thinking I wanted the fighting to end and then I'm keeping it going, etc. etc. etc.

Then she hangs up on me, and then calls be back 5-10 minutes later saying "are you readying to end this now?" - LOL

To be fair, I did tell her that I wanted the fighting to stop and that i would love for us to just work things out... .unfortunately in her mind the only way that can happen is if I immediately comply with what she wants me to promise and if I don't, then it's all over. 

Please stop mentally messing with this person. They have serve mental problems if you keep engaging in something like this you are going to end up paying, trust me.

It's not a game. Cut yourself off or stay but playing games with her isn't going to help.

I know you feel like a victim but you can physically cut yourself from this situation. She isn't holding a gun to your head... yet.

And if she does call the cops.

[Monge]

Yes, that's all you can do. What's different about her that makes it hard?

I've been waiting to respond to this since I first saw your post while I was laying in bed last night because I was really trying to think about it realistically for me.

I think the hardest part for me is that in the beginning she was super interested in everything I loved to do and made me feel extremely good about myself at a time when I was feeling very insecure from losing my job.  As that slowly started to change, I believed the distorted reality she put together as the reasoning behind why that changed because I didn't understand the concept of cognitive distortion.  I've always been very good at picking up on non-verbal communication and identifying when someone is bull___ting me, but because I could very clearly tell that she sincerely believed everything she was saying I started to doubt my own judgement and constantly second guess myself.

I always felt the need to J.A.D.E. in pretty much every situation because before this I've always been someone who was able to completely detach emotion from a situation and look strictly at facts to gain an understanding of where things stood and why.  Even if I didn't agree with what was done or thought it was wrong, at least I was able to understand.  Since she believed everything she was saying so strongly and sincerely and I didn't yet know anything about BPD, I started to doubt what I believed to be the facts of various situations because if I looked at those facts there was no logical way to arrive at the conclusions she seemed very confident of - the only way to come to those same conclusions was to doubt my version and think that maybe I remembered wrong or maybe I got a lot angrier than i thought, etc... .

Once I went back to work and was able to separate myself from her somewhat and found some things about BPD online, it all started to make more sense(I was searching for answers because so much of her behavior just felt wrong to me and I thought there had to be some explanation).  But I think that because the idealization felt so good, it's been hard for me to simply let go and instead I've been trying to "fix" her and being stuck in a rut thinking that if I can explain my point of view clearly enough she would have to agree (she's not as dumb as a brick, after all)!  Now that I've begun to accept that BPD truly is a mental illness and that the idealization is simply a part of that illness I've been able to begin the detachment... .It's just still kind of a slap in the face and in the back of my mind I just wish she would just understand or seek help because there are a number of things about her that I do honestly like if there wasn't the constant drama (although I've recently started doubting some of those things are part of her "true" self as well unfortunately)

[Monge]

Please stop mentally messing with this person. They have serve mental problems if you keep engaging in something like this you are going to end up paying, trust me.

It's not a game. Cut yourself off or stay but playing games with her isn't going to help.

I know you feel like a victim but you can physically cut yourself from this situation. She isn't holding a gun to your head... yet.

And if she does call the cops.

After the way the calls went on my way home I have blocked her number from my phone and will not be unblocking it.  I've realized that trying to get back the praise and good feelings I felt at the beginning isn't going to happen and that I've honestly become a trigger for her anger, rage, and stress.  It was hard letting go of the idea that we could get back to that stage of the relationship because I'm honestly still not very happy with the situation I'm in currently, (31 y/o living with my parents after 13 years living on my own and severely under-employed and making about 1/5 of what I made previously), but I know that is something I need to work towards changing on my own and continuing contact with her is not going to help that at all... .=/

[Monge]

Now that I've actually blocked her number in my phone, deleted all my pictures of her/us, dropped all of her things off at her house, etc. I really thought/hoped I would feel some sort of relief or freedom and was almost looking forward to it.  Reading a lot of things on here has been somewhat helpful, but I've still just never felt so absolutely alone and empty before.  I know it's always hard to detach and walk away, but this constant heavy/sinking feeling in the bottom of my chest is something I haven't felt since I lost my dream job and really hoped I would never, ever have to feel again.  I know it will get better eventually, but it seems like it's going to be a long/slow journey until I get back to my true self

[Monge]

Now that I've actually blocked her number in my phone, deleted all my pictures of her/us, dropped all of her things off at her house, etc. I really thought/hoped I would feel some sort of relief or freedom and was almost looking forward to it.  Reading a lot of things on here has been somewhat helpful, but I've still just never felt so absolutely alone and empty before.  I know it's always hard to detach and walk away, but this constant heavy/sinking feeling in the bottom of my chest is something I haven't felt since I lost my dream job and really hoped I would never, ever have to feel again.  I know it will get better eventually, but it seems like it's going to be a long/slow journey until I get back to my true self

So I woke up this morning to 15 missed calls from "no number" (she dialed *67 to get past her number being blocked) and then when I went to leave for work I noticed her car was parked in front of my house and she was actually standing in my garage waiting for me. She started crying and said how she just wanted this to end, etc. and kept going on and on. Why do I end up feeling like the ass by trying to go no contact?

[once removed]

hi Monge,

sorry to hear youre struggling right now, it sounds like there are no easy choices.

no contact is one tool of many, in order to get our ex partners out of our day to day lives. depending on the tactics used, it can be fraught with anxiety for either or both parties.

have you had a chance to read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

whatever you do, it helps to try to stay grounded.

[Monge]

hi Monge,

sorry to hear youre struggling right now, it sounds like there are no easy choices.

no contact is one tool of many, in order to get our ex partners out of our day to day lives. depending on the tactics used, it can be fraught with anxiety for either or both parties.

have you had a chance to read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

whatever you do, it helps to try to stay grounded.

Thanks once removed... .I actually read through a lot of that stuff last night and it's definitely helpful. Planning to read through most of it again today when I get off from work.

I basically had to unblock her number this morning to get her to move so I could leave for work and as I expected she sent me a suupppppper long text message (it actually takes like 3min or so go read the whole thing) about how I'm the greatest person in the world and she is so devastated and she loves me and would never actually think of leaving me and is incredibly sorry for everything she has done. But she started off the whole thing by blaming me for "turning this in to something way bigger than it had to be"... .

I told her in person this morning how I thought there were a lot of unhealthy aspects to the relationship we had that would have to change, etc. (she loves to bully me in to answering hypothetical questions all the time) and in her text message to me she said how it's not fair of me to try and change things in the relationship that are important to her and she doesn't care what anyone else says is healthy. I think a big part of her perception issue on relationships is that she has never been around anyone (that I've heard of at least) who has had an actual healthy, normal, loving relationship and because of that it's like she refuses to change any of her views about it or even consider another idea.

As an example of what I mean - she knows that her biological father, brother, ex-bf's, etc. have cheated on someone after going out to a bar... .because of this she would never be okay if I even wanted to stop and have a single drink at happy hour with a guy I'm friendly with at work. It would mean I want to be around other women, hit on them, cheat on her, etc. etc. it's like she can't fathom that the fact those people all cheated numerous times on their own SO's was because of the person themselves - for her it's like the situation that caused it to happen. Because of this I tell my parents every Friday that I can't go to dinner with them and 2 of their good friends because they usually go to a pub-like restaurant that has good burgers because she would equate that as waning to go out to a bar (even tho it's just that my dad is all about a good burger).

She also promised over and over again in her message that she would never do it again because I have showed her it's not right and blah blah blah, but I've heard that so many times I can't even count. She was an English major so she writes very convincingly but I have a hard time believing she would remain calm at all if she was saying theee things to me verbally as soon as I disagreed with or countered any point she was trying to make.

Didn't mean to write so much but have been tossing this around in my head for hours now at work and feeling worse and worse because I hate seeing her get as worked up and upset as she was in my driveway this morning

[once removed]

I basically had to unblock her number this morning to get her to move

why are you blocking her on everything?

[Lucky Jim]

As soon as I refuse to immediately comply with her requests to promise what she wants, she starts cursing at me, trying to bully me in to answering, talks over me, tells me she isn't listening to anything I say because everything is my fault

Hey Monge, More F-O-G!  Bullying = Fear; Blaming = Guilt.  Don't fall for this stuff!  It's all manipulation and typical behavior for a pwBPD.

LuckyJim

[pallavirajsinghani]

Perhaps this would help:

www.thecruxmovie.com/pdf/TheBridgeShortStory.pdf
(Short story "The Bridge" By Rabbi Friedman

Certainly the role of being a white knight to the rescue of a hurt person is very seductive, for it appeals to the best of us.  Your struggle reflects your best attributes.  It reflects your warmth, your ability to love, your capacity for empathy, your desire to behave altruistically. 

And yet, your intuition is telling you that the best of you is being called upon towards a misplaced cause.  Sadly, all the love and best intentions in the world cannot cure a mental illness.  A seed sown in sand cannot blossom even if you water it all your life with blood sweat and tears.

Many times as an analogy,  I imagine a good soldier in Hitler's army.  The soldier has the best of intentions, is a patriot, truly believes that he is getting rid of the evil in the world... .all intentions are good... .but the end result and the means towards the end result?   I call this "misplaced altruism". 

This is a crucial time for you.  I strongly recommend counseling for yourself, if it is accessible to you (most insurance plans will cover a short term counseling.)  Counseling is more like having a trained clinician help you develop inner resources and targeted skills in situations where a person is highly vulnerable to making decisions that may be harmful in the long run.  It's more like having a navigator, not therapy, rather like having a sounding board... .like you have with this board, except this board comprises of your peers not trained clinicians... .

Thank you for sharing your experience... .it takes tremendous courage to make yourself vulnerable.

God Bless.