Could this escalate to physical harm?

[Ashi]

*I wanted to say that after I wrote this post, I feet less miserable about the situation and sharing my feelings (even to strangers) was therapeutic.

Hello everyone,

I, too, deal with a romantic partner who isn't diagnosed but clearly has been showing BPD traits for the past two years, some of them escalating. Feelings are still raw and I'm just looking for someone whom I can relate to, to get rid of the feelings of loneliness that surround the soul. I love my partner, but he's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - a pattern that presents itself on more or less biweekly basis.

We're in our early 30s and he's my first long-term partner. Our issue (or his issue) is sex. He's lacking confidence despite me always genuinely praising him (and really meaning it). He proclaims to be a high-testosterone man who, if not given some form of sexual relief, will have the hormones hit the roof, leading him to be restless, unable to sleep and easily angered. And it shows. He also has health problems that sometimes make it uncomfortable for him to have sex (those health problems he does not want to be addressed or helped by a medical professional). I have a high sex drive but have been understanding of how he feels and sometimes went without sex for two, three weeks at a time.

I was sick last week and that stretched for over a week. On Sunday, still not feeling that great, I offered that we should have sex. A miscommunication happened where I thought we would do it after dinner, at bedtime, but apparently that was my mistake. When I approached him in bed (I didn't sound too sexy and was coughing), he didn't respond to my request. I thought he just started to feel unwell himself and I lovingly told him not to worry about it. The next day his tiredness started to show but I approached him again that night, by rubbing his body and kissing him, and he told me that he was sorry but he didn't feel too sexy to do anything at the moment. So I left it and by then, I already knew I was in trouble.

On Tuesday, I made a mistake by asking him what was wrong. When he told me his side of the story (that I didn't want to have sex with him, that I was just making myself do it to make him feel better, how he feels he's unable 'to take care of himself' because I am there and he feels pathetic when he has to masturbate 'to be able to function' and when I tried to put on a loving smile on my face, empathize and acknowledge his hurt feelings, he accused me of making fun of him. I empathized with those feelings, too; I even took him by the hand to help him feel closer but that only worked for a bit. After 5 minutes he got up and said he was going to another room as he can tell that I don't want to be around him (?) and I told him that maybe I should go, as I can use that room's computer if he was just going to sit and think. He turned the computer on for me, but instead of leaving, he laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

I am still new at JADE and not always doing a good job so when I got up, I saw him lay there and I touched his arm, told him I loved him and that I hoped he would start feeling better soon. Then he asked me what I was thinking. Even thought I should have known better, I told him that that putting all responsibility on me in regards to sex is not going to fix the core issues that are impacting his happiness in life. I gave him two examples, told him that when we are happy with other aspects of our lives, these perceived slights that he thinks I cause him, will not be as hard on him. He angrily responded 'okay' and I told him that I want him to feel like a full person - one that takes care of himself and his well-being. He got up and left the room but came back soon to tell me that he's much simpler than that and the issues I brought up are non-existent and me making him sexually inadequate is his issue. That also escalated, but not as much as it would have in the past, prior to reading some advice on these boards. At the end I told him, that I felt hurt by his accusations, I could not participate in a no-win argument for me and that I was going to remove myself by spending the evening in the other room. As I sat there, I grew angry at how he'd been treating me - unfairly and quite frankly, I felt like I must be there for him sexually on his schedule, on his terms. The fact that we just had sex 5 days earlier, and I sometimes waited for weeks at a time without saying a word was getting me riled up. I decided to go bed without saying good night to him. (Big mistake)

I moved into his apartment, so most things are his. We both pay rent (we actually have a business together) but I still don't have much to say in terms of making it my place. I'm okay with that, hoping that soon we can move into OUR apartment. As I went to bed, without saying good night, he stayed in the other room, eventually choosing to fall asleep on the recliner after midnight. He woke up at 6:30am (I'm a light sleeper when he gets in his moods), came into the bedroom, turned the light on and told me to get up as it was his time to sleep in bed. I told him he could sleep in bed, it was his and there's plenty of space on the other side. He disagreed so I got up, grabbed a pillow and one of the blankets and started to leave the room. He angrily told me not to take the blanket, so I gently threw it on the bed along with the pillow and he took the same blanket and angrily threw it at me (or in my direction) where its ends struck me lightly against my neck. With a sleepy yet serious tone I told him, ":)on't throw things at me", I picked up the blanket, put it on the bed and he threw it again as I was going out the bedroom's door, with me repeating not to throw things at me. I laid down on the couch, couch pillows under my head and knitted couch blanket over me. He followed me, asked me what he did wrong, I told him "nothing" (mind you, I just woke up 10 minutes prior and didn't want to start explaining myself that would lead into another argument) and he angrily walked off into the bedroom, slamming the door with all his might. 5 minutes passed, he came out, carrying the same blanket and pillow, and he threw it at base of the couch, on the floor. I told him "I'm not a dog, don't throw things in my direction", he grabbed both again and went to the other room, this time without slamming the door. He got up 1,5 hours later and with a pep in his voice told me I can go in the bedroom if I want - I did, as feeling his presence caused me anxiety and the apartment is too small to really have any personal space.

I slept for a bit, got up, he asked me if he should go to work to which I replied yes if we have work. He asked me if I wasn't going to talk to him and I told him that it would be better if today we tried to stay out of each other's space. He wanted an explanation; I told him I was hurt by his behavior last night and it is unacceptable that he started to show this behavior towards me, I started by saying "I told you I didn't want to talk about it... ." and by the time I could finish the sentence and actually give him my explanation he angrily stated "okay" and walked away. One step at a time, this time I didn't follow him and just let him go to work.

And here I am now... .

He'll be back from work soon. It is the first time he acted like this towards me. I was fearful in the past that some of his angry responses in my presence would escalate and I hope he doesn't take it to the next level. He's a vicious proponent of punishing anyone who shows violent behavior towards women and praises himself on being one of the good guys. And that's what I truly thought about him when we met and for a long time after that. He's very strong, has had life-long anger problems and I know that I would not be able to protect myself against him if I needed to.

Thank you for listening and reading. I know I have a lot to learn, but at the same time, I am not sure if I am equipped to live the rest of my life like this.

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[oshinko maki]

Would it help to tell him of your fear and that you cannot stay in a relationship if there is ever any violence?

I (a male) have never been violent with a woman (or anyone for that matter), but a girlfriend that I lived with decades ago told me clearly once about how she could not ever stay in a relationship if there was violence. I felt hurt, but I think it also helped to solidify my non-violence. And I respected her for stating it.

[Mutt]

Hi Ashi,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I agree  with oshinko maki what his girlfriend told him was a boundary. Usually it's good to say your boundaries at the beginning of the r/s because it can be difficult if you do it later on.

[Ashi]

Thank you both! Yes, I did tell him in the beginning how I felt about physical violence and how I would not stand for it. His father abused him and my father abused me, both physically and verbally and I never wanted to be in that situation again. He agreed. What happened was that I lost my perspective on how things should be in a good relationship. During our time together, he lost his mother and later significantly severed his relationship with other family members. He proclaimed that I am the only one he needs and I am the whole reason for his happiness. At first, I blamed it on his depression after the loss but it's been over three years now and things are getting worse. I encouraged him to seek a more fulfilling life for himself but he said I was all he needed. I bent over backwards, thinking that it was me who was the reason for him to be like that but things didn't seem right - I'm a nice girl!

A few months ago, I realized what could have been at play. I found this forum, I started to take care of myself, stopped taking on all of his sh** and stopped making myself responsible for his feelings - it's still a work in progress. In that time, I've lost a decent amount of weight, my own depression started to fade and started to be more hopeful about MY own future where I thrive and better myself in the ways I always dreamed of. I think he treats is as a threat but I try not to apologize for it.

He's back in the apartment now. I thanked him for going to work when he came in and he went into the bedroom. He later came out and said to let him know when I want to go to bed, he would want to sleep on the recliner. I disagreed but he insisted and told me not to make myself a victim. I'm not stubborn with him so I told him, 'okay, I will sleep in the bedroom but please don't kick me out of it at 6:30 in the morning". Today is not the right day to reinforce my stance on violence, I'm sure he will not hear me and I don't have it in me - I get really stressed out with arguments like that and it takes a physical toll. I'm not having any of that anymore, either!

Thank you for listening.

[Mutt]

A few months ago, I realized what could have been at play. I found this forum, I started to take care of myself, stopped taking on all of his sh** and stopped making myself responsible for his feelings - it's still a work in progress. In that time, I've lost a decent amount of weight, my own depression started to fade and started to be more hopeful about MY own future where I thrive and better myself in the ways I always dreamed of. I think he treats is as a threat but I try not to apologize for it.

Good for you Ashi. When we start to get healthier and better, a pwBPD may not see it as a threat, they see how they effect a loved one with their behaviors and they feel shame.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello Ashi, welcome here!

You ask if this could escalate to physical harm.

My guess is probably not today or tomorrow, although there's no way to know. And over the immediate term, the risk is going to change. What happened years ago in my marriage is that the abuse was verbal/emotional, and it escalated over months, and did escalate to the point I was slapped. Until I changed what I was doing, and stopped accepting any of the abuse.

The pattern I saw matches what I've seen other members go through with this kind of abuse. Unchecked, abusive behavior will escalate over time. I'd expect that his rages are getting longer, or louder, perhaps more frequent. Or he's saying worse thing, calling you worse names.

If you stay there and let him continue raging at you... .or "fight back" against it, either way, that's engaging with it, and it is likely to escalate.

When I got better at removing myself from the rage, and got to doing it earlier, the pattern of abuse also changed--it stopped escalating as much or as often. (And I was always ready to remove myself as needed.)

My experience is that abusive patterns don't stay stable--either they escalate or they go away.

You are doing the right thing--removing yourself to protect yourself from him. Actually you are protecting both of you when you do it. I know when I was facing rages or accusations that I was acting intentionally to hurt my wife, I got upset, and if I stayed I was likely to say something that would make everything worse.

I started to take care of myself, stopped taking on all of his sh** and stopped making myself responsible for his feelings - it's still a work in progress. In that time, I've lost a decent amount of weight, my own depression started to fade and started to be more hopeful about MY own future where I thrive and better myself in the ways I always dreamed of. I think he treats is as a threat but I try not to apologize for it.

  Yes, you are doing the right thing here--keep at it!

I wouldn't quite say he treats it as a threat. I would say that you've changed the patterns he's used to in your relationship. And these are things he does to cope with his stress and unpleasant feelings. It is natural for him to react to that in ways that try to "push" you back into the old patterns. Quite likely he's not aware that he's doing it.

Eventually he will adjust, but don't expect it to be easy for him, or for him to make it easy on you. The more consistent you can be, the faster you will get through it.