I guess I am feeling discouraged

[coworkerfriend]

Since the last time I posted mid-November, I have been working on keeping my focus on myself.   My pwBPD is caught in this cycle that started in September that he can not seem to stop. I am doing my best to not participate in any way when he is having a bad episode.  He has continued the going to bed - refusing to eat and I simply try to wait it out.   I think he is getting bored of not getting the response he is looking for and he seems to be getting more and more depressed.  Any time he lashes out and gets angry, I have been immediately leaving or hanging up the phone.  The last time he started to yell at me at work, I got my purse and I left.   He called me and said that I scared him and he immediately apologized.  This has been going on for months and I guess I am really worn out by the day to day stress of it all.   He told me that he is getting more and more depressed and he can't get himself out of it. 

Today was a bad day at work.  He came in late for a meeting and I was out at a client's office.  I got back from my meeting and I could tell he was upset.  He was super agitated in front of the client and asked me to help him finish.  I stepped in and wrapped things up for him.  As soon as the client left, he flipped out at me - started screaming that I ruined his day and that he can't take the pressure. He yelled for a few minutes and he left.  He started calling me from the car - I didn't answer the first 5 calls but I did pick up the 6th.  I knew I shouldn't have answered.  He was crazy mad - screaming at me.  I said I will not talk to him when he is like this - I don't deserve to be treated like this -  I got super angry.  I said that I was trying to help and he was being unreasonable.  He got even madder -kept screaming at me and  I hung up on him. 

He called me back a few hours later.  I answered it even though I probably shouldn't have.  He said that I scared him when I yelled at him and that it sobered him up.  He said he needed me and I turned on him and now he knows my true colors.  He said he called his exwife because he needed someone to talk to and he couldn't think of anyone else to call.  He said that he doesn't want to see me and he is rethinking our relationship.  He said I need to stay away from him - that I upset him too much and he can't be around me.  It makes me feel really bad that he called her and he knows that it would upset me.  He throws it in my face that he could get back together with her anytime he wants - and he uses that to hurt me. 

I am trying very hard not to blame myself for this outburst.  I was blindsided by his anger today and instead of being calm, I got really mad.  The problem I am having is that I do feel bad for not staying calm and helping him get through this.  My emotional side is on overdrive - feeling horrible about how I handled it.  I do know that he needs help getting through stressful situations.  I don't know why I feel so guilty about how I handled the situation.  Why do I let his words get to me?  I can't think straight at the moment.  I keep thinking I ruined everything between us.  I can't sit back and let him take all his emotions and dump on me.  But when I try to set a boundary and keep it in place, I feel guilty about it. 

I am struggling at the moment and his words are very big in my head right now.  I feel like I somehow ruined our relationship and I can't seem to get any perspective of the situation.  I was hoping that by writing it out, it would help but I just feel so bad.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[oshinko maki]

Hang it there. Take a deep breath. Enjoy a deep breath. Wish I could help. Remember that because you have done nothing wrong, you do not need to feel bad (no matter how someone decides they need to yell at you). At least that helps me handle the overwhelming emotions that well up when you've been unjustifiably attacked.

[ArleighBurke]

Be kind to yourself. Any new skill will take time to perfect. It seems like you are getting MUCH better at having your own boundaries.

Dealing with a BPD takes a lot of patience. Just like dealing with kids. There are times with both my wife and my kids that my emotions take over. Certainly I'd like to have more control - but I am human! I am not wrong/bad for feeling anrgy - nor are you. Keep working on it - you are doing well.

I feel like I somehow ruined our relationship

No. Remember - you can only control YOU. You can't control HIM. And since it takes 2 people to make a relationship, that kinda means you can't control the relationship... .

[Jessica84]

Don't beat yourself up. You are only human. No one knows exactly what to do when being confronted like that - yelled at or threatened with a breakup. Once he calms down, it is possible that much of what he said in anger will be forgotten - often it gets rewritten. So try not to replay this argument over and over in your head. It won't help. It will keep you stuck and feeling bad. Instead, try to distract yourself - find something fun or relaxing to do and try to forget about it for now. I find that when I take my mind off the problem, the solution will come to me.  

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks for the responses.  I do need to breathe and try to remember I have done nothing wrong. I really appreciate the support - it means the world to me. 

He came back to the office.  It was simply to try to engage me in the same cycle of telling me that he is going to bed and he has nothing to eat.  He said that I know he is in a bad way and I am cold and I won't help him.  He said I know he is depressed and I am selfish and only concerned with myself.  He said my outburst today scared him and that he can't be around me. He told me that the way I responded was telling him to f*** off in his head and he doesn't have to be bullied by me.   He is pushing all my buttons and trying very hard to get me to respond. 

When his head is in a good place, he tells me that he doesn't want me to stay away even when he says he does.  That when he shows up and tries to engage me, it is his way of crying out for help.  But I know that I could make him the most amazing dinner and if he is in a bad way, he will throw it in the garbage.  I know this cycle all too well.  Yet, I am sitting here thinking that I need to go and help him.  What is wrong with me?  Why do I think it is ok for him to behave any way he wants and I just have to take it?  I have been going to therapy and I feel I have barely scratched the surface of all my issues.  I literally feel like I need to go to his house and apologize.   Why do I feel like it is my responsibility to take care of him?  I need to put myself first but I feel guilty when I do. 

He has "ended" it with us so many times that I couldn't even begin to count them.  The last time was November 18 - he was done with our relationship - it was too hard on him.  I know you are right Jessica84, I feel stuck and replaying the argument doesn't help at all.  Thanks for the reminders and the support - I lose my perspective so easily.   It really helps to hear that I am doing well because it is hard for me to remember that.

[Jessica84]

It may be that it is easier for him to blame you than to own his part. He doesn't have to deal with shame if everything is your fault, even how HE acts!

There may be a pattern here. If he is used to you running to him to apologize or help him every time he goes nuts, he will continue what he's doing. Because it works. He knows where your buttons are. You can disable them - not all at once, this takes time. We first have to know our buttons and understand why we're affected when they're pushed. We all have them. His reward in pushing your buttons is getting you to fill HIS needs. Rather than learning a healthy way, he's used to using the method that works for him. If making you feel bad gets those needs met, guess what? I hope this alleviates some of your guilt.

[Grey Kitty]

Since the last time I posted mid-November, I have been working on keeping my focus on myself. 

I see you have, and you are getting better at it. Let me point out the "good" parts in this:

I didn't answer the first 5 calls but I did pick up the 6th.  I knew I shouldn't have answered.  He was crazy mad - screaming at me.  I said I will not talk to him when he is like this - I don't deserve to be treated like this -  I got super angry.  I said that I was trying to help and he was being unreasonable.  He got even madder -kept screaming at me and  I hung up on him. 

He called me back a few hours later.  I answered it even though I probably shouldn't have.  He said that I scared him when I yelled at him and that it sobered him up. 

  You at least KNOW that picking up the phone at a time like this is a bad idea, even if you can't always stop yourself. Be gentle with yourself--you will do better.
  You expressed your own anger. No, yelling at him isn't strictly "good", but the fact that your very legitimate anger at how he was treating you was stronger than your fear of upsetting him was also good.

You already know this... .not answering is better than yelling back... .but yelling back is still better than quietly taking it when he yells at you.

I am trying very hard not to blame myself for this outburst.  I was blindsided by his anger today and instead of being calm, I got really mad.  The problem I am having is that I do feel bad for not staying calm and helping him get through this.  My emotional side is on overdrive - feeling horrible about how I handled it.  I do know that he needs help getting through stressful situations.  I don't know why I feel so guilty about how I handled the situation.

Separate your feelings from your actions.

You are feeling really ANGRY. Your feelings are never wrong, and you don't need to feel guilty or ciriticize yourself for them. (And as I said earlier, his actions should make you angry!)

Your actions are worth trying to control. Don't expect yourself to be perfect. And know that you can't always act in the way you think is best.

Being calm and validating his feelings is a great action. But it isn't a possible one when you are that angry.

And remember, it isn't your job to manage his feelings or his stress. It is nice if you can help or be supportive, but you aren't obligated. So if you are too pissed to be supportive, chose from your available options at the time. (Hanging up or yelling at him come to mind  )

... .remember... .you are doing something new here, and it *IS* really hard on him. His best coping mechanism is to take crap out on you. You are removing that, and the feelings he deals with that way are now coming out and he has to deal with them another way, and he hasn't figured that out yet. It is really hard for him. And he will turn the volume up, and continue this extinction burst at you for a while still, I suspect.

The more consistent you can be about this, the faster you will get through it.   Stay strong. You are doing so well!

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks so much for the support and responses.  It is so hard for me to feel like I am doing well when he seems to be in constant chaos around me.

Thursday was full of apologies from him.  He felt terrible that I yelled at him yet he acknowledged that his behavior deserved it. He said that I really scared him with my anger and he knows that I am going to get sick of him and leave him.   He keeps asking me what's wrong with him - why does he spiral out of control so quickly - why can't he keep himself together.  He knows he is driving himself crazy and he knows how much it affects me.  When he wasn't apologizing, he was telling me that he is bad for me and I would be better off without him.  He said his Christmas gift to me was going to be my freedom - that he will get out of my life and let me be happy.  At this point in time, all I want is some peace and calm. 

Even with that, we had a "normal" evening last night.  We had dinner, watched tv and had some laughs.   

Today, he was actually productive at work until 5:30.  At that point, he came into my office and asked me what was wrong.  I said I was fine - I was just researching an issue for a client.  He asked me what it was about and then within seconds, went off on me about how could I ruin his night by asking him such a complicated question at the end of the end.  He was getting madder and madder at me.  I got up - went into the bathroom.  When I came out - he said he doesn't want to see me.  That I don't understand him.  He is sick and dying and all I care about is work.  I was calm and I said that is not true.  He grabbed his keys and he left. 

I don't know why after all this time, it still upsets me with how unreasonably angry he gets in a matter of minutes.  I am trying to calm down at the moment.  I don't know if I feel disappointed - if i feel discouraged or just so tired of this cycle.  He is aware of the cycle - he is scared of the cycle.  I don't know what to say to him when he asks me what is wrong with him.  He goes to therapy every other week - I often wonder how much of his issues he really works on - how much he shares with his therapist.  I don't know if he is actively getting any sort of treatment.  I wonder if his antidepressant is even working.  I know he doesn't believe that medicine will make him better but I do think he needs something. 

I feel like a broken record.  I have always tried to let go of the words he says - to move on after each episode he has.  I try to stay positive.  I try to take care of myself and not let all this bring me down.  I take time to try and be grateful for all the good things in my life.  But, he is wearing me down.  The constant drama of the past three months hasn't seemed to let up.  GK - you are right, he does seem to be turning the volume up. 

How do I stay consistent?  Do I just stay away from him?  Do I just go about my day to day?

[Grey Kitty]

First... .stay strong, and stick to your boundaries, not being there as an emotional punching back for him to rage at... .not answering the phone if he keeps calling, wanting to rage, etc.

If you can do this, you will (at least more of the time!) be more centered and grounded and more able to validate him, etc.

But do be mindful of how exhausted/frustrated you feel. When you are worn down, you aren't going to validate successfully anyhow, it will just leave you more exhausted when he blows up anyways. So save your very limited energy for times you can put it to good use!

he came into my office and asked me what was wrong.  I said I was fine - I was just researching an issue for a client.  He asked me what it was about and then within seconds, went off on me about... .

Him: "What's wrong" (He's feeling upset and worried about something)
You: "I'm fine, I'm just... ." (You just invalidated him, telling him he shouldn't feel that way)

It is really easy to do something invalidating like that. A more validating response might have been a question about how he's feeling, since he's obviously concerned about something.

Of course it is really hard to validate what is likely to come--the "You'd be better off without me" type crap. Because it is projection, and it isn't valid... .and the feelings underneath it are ones he doesn't want to acknowledge. Sigh.

I find it best to try to believe that he does mean what he's saying at the time he says it, but probably won't feel that way in a minute, an hour, a day, or a week.

[Jessica84]

So you were working on work at work, and he gets mad at you for working? Hmmmm... .Yup. I can so relate. To all of this. It would wear anyone down. I also get the "you're better off without me" line. I feel for you!

If he feels you don't understand him, you may need to increase the validation. It's harder to do when you're the target of his wrath. Don't try to guess what he's feeling - that might come off as invalidating. Try to lead him there. I ask questions since my guy loves to talk about himself! How was your day? Anything interesting happen today? How ya feeling? One of these will get him going. In the middle of his rambling on and on about himself I'll get a sense of what he's feeling so I can validate that (without having to guess).

When it comes to SET and validating, I heap on the SE and reserve the T for when he's not in such a hyper-emotional state. If I can keep my composure, I take a deep breath and tell myself the truth instead ~~~> he's not sick or dying. He's having a tantrum. He's got himself all worked up. He wants my attention and feels I'm distracted by work and not giving him enough. He thinks he's not good enough so I'm going to leave him. How sad and frustrating it must be to think that. I will reassure him and try to validate his feelings. But if he explodes, I will keep my cool and exit gracefully. 

YES - Go on about your day/life. You can't always help him thru his inner turmoil. He has to do some of that himself. It's HIS turmoil. I know it's hard and frustrating, but you have to take care of YOU first. Hang in there

[coworkerfriend]

Today was a tough day - we had to go to a funeral of a friend who died of cancer.  He was young - under 40 and has two small children.  It was heartbreaking and for whatever reason, opened up a floodgate of emotion for me.  I have spent the day feeling very introspective and looking  at myself and what I need to do in my life to stay healthy and happy. 

As much as he tried for a few minutes to be supportive, he spiraled out of control and went to bed a half an hour after we got home.  He was stressed and upset and angry. He told me that he does not want me in his life anymore.  I cause him too much stress and anxiety.   I left shortly after that.  I am going to focus more on living my life. 

He has already called me twice to apologize.   I accept his apology but I did say that his actions need to match his words.  I don't know if that was a good or bad thing to say - I just needed to say it.  I know he was  emotional overdrive from the funeral - due to a few tragedies in his life, he has a very hard time going to them - and I am going to take your recommendation, Jessica, tell myself the truth.  I do like that suggestion and I am going to try and use it as much as I can. 

It really didn't occur to me that my response yesterday could be invalidating to him.  Thank you GK for pointing that out.   Sometimes, I am just immersed in my work and I do not take the time to think before I respond.   I think that is part of what does frustrate me - I just can't be myself and say what I feel all the time. 

I can't tell you how much everyone has helped me - I appreciate the support so much.

[Grey Kitty]

  Sorry you are going through this.

    And more sorry that the person in your life who is supposed to be there to support you doesn't have the capacity to do it.

[Jessica84]

I think that is part of what does frustrate me - I just can't be myself and say what I feel all the time. 

I struggled with this one too. I used to blurt whatever came to my mind and felt like people could accept it, or not. Not saying you are this way, but I learned we CAN still be ourselves and we CAN express our feelings in these difficult relationships. It takes a minor change in our mindset to get started. Here is how I learned to look at it ---> rather than feel like I can't be myself, I asked myself: am I really so great I shouldn't try to improve? Do I really want to accidentally invalidate people and make them feel bad, invite drama, or constantly apologize or defend myself? Or can I try something different to improve the quality of my life and relationships?

So I found a way to stay true to myself, only more mindful, aware - self-aware and aware of others feelings. I had to accept he has a disorder and remind myself often. I had to accept that this relationship requires my awareness. And if I couldn't, I needed to move on. I'm not talking about walking on eggshells, but not blurting out my first thoughts either. Instead, listening for his feelings, validating those feelings. I practiced on all the non-BPDs in my life as well. Nons like validation and feeling 'heard', too.    This helped me learn how to listen and validate better, and control my first instinct to blurt in a safe way, since nons tend to be less reactive and more forgiving. And it helped make it feel more natural over time if I engaged everyone in the same way.

My bf was by far the most receptive to this adjustment. Not at first, but gradually I got better at it. (At first, I was doing it wrong and it came across as sarcasm!) Eventually his moods became more stable. As he stabilized so did our relationship, and the more I could be at ease and even slip up once in awhile without causing a major explosion. I could share my feelings. In the case of an oops, I just used the tools to calm things down before it escalated, and boundaries if they didn't work. It took a lot of practice, but it's been worth it overall. I have less drama in my life at work, with friends, family and in my relationship. You could say I gave up part of myself, but this part wasn't working so well for me anyway. I replaced it with something positive, and with or without him, I get to keep that. Hope this makes sense and is helpful to you.

[ArleighBurke]

When I came out - he said he doesn't want to see me.  That I don't understand him.  He is sick and dying and all I care about is work.  I was calm and I said that is not true. 

Sorry to harp on - but this was invalidating as well. I think the hard thing with a BPD is to NOT listen to his actual words - but to try to listen to the feeling. For my wife, I mentally add "I FEEL... ." to the start of everything she says. So for him:
"I FEEL like I'm sick and dying and all you care about is work". He is NOT actually saying that you don't care about him - so there is no reason for you to defend yourself and say "that's not true". He is actually telling you how he feels - and HIS FEELING IS true!

So then you can validate/give empathy - "I'm so sorry you feel sick and alone. That must be horrible. I would feel alone and angry too if I though no-one cared about me... .".