Lost...

[Tug_of_war_rope]

I am beyond lost... .basically I have a mother informally diagnosed as BPD... .a husband who can occasionally lose his temper and an impossible situation on my hands. I have always been the one in my family to take on everything... .I'm the oldest of three and my younger siblings have developed their own mental issues, etc. They aren't dependable for helping out... .so I pick up the slack. My mom's state has worsened over the years as she has encountered physical ailments and lost some of her independence. Needless to say... .she is in a hopeless financial situation and I have been doing more than is healthy for me or my family... .to try to help her. Nothing changes though. My husband has a lot of resentment... .my mother has alternated from time periods of connecting and laughing  with my husband to completely devaluing him. He has given me ultimatums and she has told me over and over... .all the ways he ruined me. I've been the middle of their game of tug of war and I'm worn out!

Last night everything came to a head and my mom got crazy violent because of her rage towards my husband. She instigated something by criticizING him and they got into a back and forth name calling session... .that quickly escalated and she was swinging at everyone and throwing things at him. I ended up having to call the police. She left my house... .but she will not have a home as of the 29th of this month. I am livid with her actions, yet deeply concerned for what will happen to her if I just stop speaking to her.  My husband basically is hurt and angry as hell! He has asked that I just let her go for life... .and is upset that I'm emotional over this at all. 

At any rate... .I'm lost... .and have never gone through anything so traumatic. I'm hoping someone on here might be able to relate to some of this,  because I feel like I can't even begin to explain any of this to anyone I know... .any thoughts or advice would be great.

[sad but wiser]

Dear Rope,
  You must get out of the middle.  This is not your job, to fix everything and it is ok for you to lay that down now.
  If you do not pick up everyone's dropped balls, you won't have to juggle.
I am very sorry your mother suffers from BPD.  If she becomes homeless (doubtless through her own actions or inactions) the question is: Does she lack mental capacity in a legal sense? 
If so, a group home or other such situation might be appropriate.  Your home is not.
  Further, if your husband loses his temper, is it because he can't control you, because you try to fix everything, because you let her chaos own you, or because he is frustrated?  If he is blaming you, that isn't helping.
  Dear friend, you can let go of the reins, because they are hurting you.  That means they are hurting your kids, too.
    Maybe try a little exercise.  Write all the problems down on paper.  List them all, from your family laundry to your mother's outbursts.  Then make two piles.  One pile is: my job to fix. The other is:  someone else's job to fix.  Be sure to include your feelings in the list, such as:  my anger.  Now look at the things in your pile and decide what is REASONABLE for you to do, and what isn't.  Move the unreasonable ones out of your pile.  This might include things you can't control, like someone else's emotions.
  Two things: sometimes something that isn't your fault is still your problem to deal with.  Like being born with a handicap.  Not that person's fault, but still that person's problem.
Second:  some things won't get fixed.  Period.  Because the person whose responsibility it is may choose not to fix it, may ask you to fix it, may seem incapable.   That still doesn't make it your problem.  Be ok with that.  Others can make the choice not to fix it.  Who are you to say their decision is wrong?
  I was a real little fixer too, so I speak from experience.

[Turkish]

You have a mother who exhibits BPD behaviors on one side and some one who is apt to lose his temper on the other. You've been the peacemaker, the rock,  in your family, and it may not be something your H can relate to. 

No one,  not your mother nor your husband,  should tell you with whom you should have relationships. Even though she's your mother,  however,  yourl primary relationship.  It sounds like you did the right thing by calling the cops.  The situation was diffused.

What are your husband's typical cycles when losing his temper,  do they last a day? More? We have tools here which can help diffuse angry people.  They work on anybody,  not just people with BPD.  We also have tools which can help you assert boundaries,  and it sounds like you need these all around.  Here's some to start:

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

Turkish