so many questions and no answers...

[aman]

ive been reading this site for a long time trying to get my head around my ex. i have come to decision that she is mentaly ill, not diagnosed but she has admitted she has problems.

together for six months, both in our 30's. my first proper girlfriend. i have always been a bit of a player before i met her. i was honest about this from the start. she was married in her 20's to someone much older than her. not as experienced as me in life. im not saying this in a nasty way. she admitted this herself.

I boosted her confidence. i made her feel special and she thinks she can do better. her previous partners from what she has shown me on social media have been low lives who seem to have no personality or just plain creepy.



the BPD triats fit our relationship perfectly. love bombing and push pull. she has broken up with me 4 times and always wanted to come back after we spoke. her reasons for breaking up with me were made up in her head. some of the things she has accused me of could be proven wrong with evidence. she would agree that they were in her head but then said she couldnt help it. i understood that i really did.

she says she doesnt trust me and feels uneasy about being around me yet wanted me over constantly. would invite me over on the weekends she had her son etc because she loved and missed me.

I understood early on her abusive behaviour was part of her illness although i never called her out on it. no violence, just horrible untruths about me. i could handle it when she calmed down and we talked. no apologese though. i never lowered myself to her level. maybe she knew i wouldnt do it and took advantage?

she told me she wanted me as a partner, the next stage of our relationship etc. the following say she's ending it. getting my hopes up and leading me on? or genuinely doesnt know what she wants?



i feel this is for good this time.



i have left stuff at her house, she will not give it back to me. she wants to meet me in a few weeks for closure and give it back. is this control or her way of keeping the door open?

she still has my friends on Fb who she met only for a few hours but has taken me off etc etc. she even has my sons mother still on there. is she doing this to have some control over me? she has mentioned she will message them about all the nasty things i have done to her. i told her to fire away, they know me and my personality and know i am not the person she is making out i am. i kind of hope she does in a way

she asked me to help her with her fears and anxieties and i did. i never suggested therapy but i wish i did know.

she goes in a cycle whenever shes on her pill break. its awful i can plan it when its going to happen.

the worst thing about this is that i love her and i want her back.

i told her i would leave her alone on monday and shes still messaging me, saying how it could have worked and she could have given me love if things where different.

my head is all over hte place.

i will not contact her now i will ignore her messages until i am ready to talk but i fear she will move on without me.

i want her back

any advice?

no contact for a couple of weeks?

flowers?

a letter?

wait her her to contact me again?

she knows how i feel but wont give me a straight answer.

dont get me wrong there have been times where i should have behaved better but my heart was in the right place and i when i am with someon, dating or relationship i am totally loyal.

any advice is most welcome

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi aman,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. We can't diagnose, only a professional can do that. What we can do is look at BPD traits. There's some push /pull behavior, she may also have an anxious / avoidant attachment style and she might be trying to test the limits ti see if you're going to abandon her. I think that she's keeping your stuff to leave the door open. Has she contacted you?

[aman]

im sorry for the late reply ... .as you can guess i have been in contact over the weekend. we discussed things. she said she could see a future and wanted to take our relationship to the next level. even drove an hour to see my parents with her son yesterday where they work.

today at 4:55 i get a message from her saying its over. she cant see a future with me etc. all this despite telling me she loved me at 7:55 on the phone and how i am going to change the bad aspects of my life for her.

i went to her house. her brother turned up and i told me that i keep harrasing her and not accepting its over. when i calmy disagreed and offered to show him messages (she was putting her son to bed ) he became emabarrsed and left.

I then spoke to her other brother on the phone. told him the same things and he also wanted to end the conversation.

I left and she has now blocked me on all social media. i will not turn up at her house uninvited. I did not do it in the first place.

All this after us making xmas plans together with her son to stay at mine with my parents.

I really feel this is for good this time

[Mutt]

Hi aman,

I really feel this is for good this time

What makes you say that? In a span of 3 hours she said don't leave me, I hate you from 4:55 to 7:55 that's a rapid mood change. Has she blocked you from social media before?

[aman]

sorry mate mean 7:55 am til 4:55 pm

[aman]

well we spoke over email today whilst at work ... .

she would send me photos of her son to me as well as sound clips with him telling me he loved me ... .

she wants me to delete them and threatened to call the police if i dont ... .she even messaged my friend asking him to tell me to delete them ... .i will i just want something to remember them by ... .

she is twisting things again ... .twisting things i have said to make it seem i was after her money or using her ... .

she said she loves me this morning in one of her emails ... .i told her i lover her back and got no response ... .

i cant help but love her ... .

[aman]

more emails flying back and forth ... .i have not deleted the photos yet ... .no vindictiveness but it will be too painful to delete them ... saying goodbye to him on monday was the worst ... .

her brother came around her house when i was there and asked me to leave ... .he said she told him i refuse to accept its over ... .i offered to show messages that prove she contacts me after our break ups ... .his face just dropped and he left without saying a word ... .i know they know what shes like now ... .i was calm and just stated the truth ... .

apparently i am the course of all her pain which from what i have read is common on these boards ... .its like all her problems will dispear when im gone ... .

i messaged her saying im done with her ... half an hour later ... .she messages me again saying nasty untrue things that she has done to me ... .its like shes arguing with herself and trying to justify hurting me ... .

she said she was going to kill herself on monday ...

using her son to get back at me ... .told him its over between us and they were both crying

she says i cant provide a financial future she deserves ... .the one area of my life i am working on ... .

some advice anyone?