Turning it back upon myself

[Woolspinner2000]

The coping and healing board is such a good home for me because it is a place where I can be honest about the effects of having an uBPDm and how those deeply imprinted responses to her don't help me at all now that I'm an adult.

I began a new job 4 weeks ago after having been at my old job for 4 years. I thought I'd be ready, and in many ways I am, and I'm so much farther down the road of healing than at any point in my life. Nonetheless the things that are deeply ingrained within me are still creeping their way out. They include all those normal new job learning curves, yet the inner critic is busily at work. I feel rather split between an adult who certainly has so much more confidence than ever before in my life, largely due to the T over the past few years and my hard work and this site, and then this other side of me that reflects the voices of my inner children who are still trying so heard to make mom happy. Will it never go away?

I took time to write down what my inner voices were saying, and how surprised I was to hear that it was my 7 to 10 year old Lil Wools who was flashing back to hearing her uBPDm saying she was stupid and slow and couldn't learn anything. Lil Wools cried and to this day she is still trying to be fast enough and not ask questions so she doesn't get in more trouble. How well does that work in today's adult world? Not very well, I'm afraid. It stinks that some things are so hard to 'unbelieve' if you will.

So I turn the feelings of anger and hurt and loneliness and frustration that should be directed at a mom who chose her unhealthy actions and projected them on her kids, and instead I turn them back upon myself and tell myself how stupid and slow I am, that they won't like me if I don't get it the first time or they'll get angry with me. How reflective of the thoughts of my young self! I need to work at turning the feelings from myself and internalizing them to redirecting them appropriately outward. Facts such as , "It takes everyone time to learn a new job. Just because it takes time to learn doesn't make me a bad or unworthy person." Things like that would be much more healthy.

But it is tough to be kind to myself. I need to take this next step towards the coping of my past and bringing it into the healing of the present and the future.

Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY WOOLS: 

You are a very compassionate and capable woman.  You will do fine with the new job. It's very stressful to start a new job.

We all learn in a different way/style. I'm a bit forgetful, especially when stressed, so my style has always been to carry a steno pad. I'd put the date at the bottom of each page, and it was simple and handy. I always had a pen clipped to it and I had it with me most of the time. I could go back to notes from weeks before and refresh my memory on something. It's a bit old style, but effective.

It was full of notes from meetings, phone call, training, etc.  It served me well over the years. My steno pad would look a bit tattered, by the time I filled it up with notes.  Occasionally, someone would joke about it. 

How are your new coworkers? Are they helpful and supportive?

[Harri]

Hi Wools (and Little Wools'   

Congrats on the new job though I am sorry it is an anxious time.  Yeah, of course it is.  And that is without the effects of having a uBPD mom!

Will it never go away?

Never say never.  It, the voices, the inner critic, the learned responses and poor coping strategies can all improve and quite down.  Truly.  Self-talk is such a hard thing to change.  You know logically that you are not slow or stupid (oh how I wish I could have 5 minutes alone with your mom to set her straight!)

Do you talk to Wools7-10 and tell her you hear her and know she is scared but you are with her and will get you both through these tough times?  That she can depend on you WoolsA(dult) to learn and understand and show her the way?  I am not sure what will work for you and her, but I think having a conversation and setting some boundaries with your little ones can help.  What do you think would help?  She is talking to you and acting out, so in a way that is actually a good thing... .she just needs to pick a better time and learn to trust WoolsA.

Maybe you too need some reassurance?  I used to teach and train people in their internships as part of my job.  I can assure you that I always expected there to be a learning curve, to be asked questions, to have to repeat, review and remind and be asked questions.  I expected there to be mistakes and I was ready and willing to step in.  It was all expected!  It was when someone did not do these things that I worried. 

Taking notes like Naughty Nibbler said is a great thing.  Are you able to do that in your line of work?  what other steps can you take?

[Turkish]

That would be tough to deal with,  the inner critic asserting herself,  and it's not even your voice... .though it kind of is, because you were trained to feel responsible for someone else's feelings. In a sense,  The Voice became part of you, and may cling like a parasite. 

I could say that you're not responsible for anyone else's feelings but your own (I know you know this logically), but it's probably hard to accept this fully because of that which you've been carrying with you for decades,  perhaps.

Can you take inventory on what you alone own and are responsible for?

[Fie]

Hello Wools  


When I first posted on these boards, you were one of the first people to answer my question. It stroke me how intelligent and balanced you sounded.

Everyone needs time to learn something new - even intelligent people.
Sometimes we forget that also we, children of BPD, are allowed to make mistakes, to take time to learn something new, etc. It seems like we always have to be ahead of everyone else, we always have to be quicker, smarter, etc.
But this is not how the outside world sees it. Our friends, neighbors, bosses, colleagues, see us as humans who are allowed to act human and not like a machine.

I also think that, if we were perfect, our colleagues would not even like us. If we worked exceptionally quick and good, it would mean that they also have to be quicker, more performant, etc. Who would want this perfect coworker as a colleague ? (not me  ;-))


It is really beautiful that you are realizing that what you are thinking and telling yourself really is the voice of your mother. I am sure you will get there.

[Woolspinner2000]

Each one of you has been so kind in your responses to me. Thank you for your graciousness!
The questions and ideas are all helpful to me, and they cause me to think outside of the box I rather put myself into of 'needing to conform.'

NN, the idea of a note pad is good. I've taken some notes after the fact, but I think I'd feel more confident and have to ask less questions if I went back to square one on some things and wrote them down rather than relying on my memory. The environment is quite different from my previous job, yet my skill set will fit in well as it is more of a stepping stone to the next level that this job offers. Transferring those previously learned skills to this new job will be good, but even my boss said it will be a lot of self learning. He doesn't have much time to instruct me, so thank goodness I'm fairly self sufficient, but once again, that's where the old voices come back to haunt me.

Turkish, you present a way to think that I had not considered. You are right that it isn't my voice (it's my uBPDm), yet at the same time it is as seen through the inner critic. How intriguing to consider and remember that I don't have to be responsible for the feelings of others as they see my work as a new employee. Yes, logically I know that, but all logic goes out the window when my inner ones are clamoring for attention. As I pondered what you said, I began thinking of the verse from Isaiah 55:8 where it says, "My thoughts are not your thoughts," and I recognized that pattern I have of projecting what my uBPDm thought and said to me upon nearly everyone I encounter when I begin to feel insecure. I'm not quite able to trust these new people in my new environment, and I default into long established patterns of my past. As I always say, the winds of the past fan the flames of the present.  But it is true that not all people think like my mom did. It helps to focus on another inner voice, that of the Lord speaking far different words to me, of my value, of His joy in me, of His wanting me to have good things.

Thank you, Harri. Your protectiveness of me is much appreciated! Once I realized that Lil Wools was the one having trouble, I took her into our safe place inside of me, the one where no one can get in, especially uBPDm, unless they're invited in. She needed to be comforted and feel safe, and it helped a lot. I had not thought of having her learn to trust me, so that is a good point. Regarding the reassurance, yes, I DO need it! Reminders that I'm normal (but as I frequently tell my T, those rules apply to everyone else and there's a different set of rules for me!). I've taught college students and new co-workers and have much more patience with them than with myself.

Fie, your encouragement means a lot to me. I share my struggles with the bpdfamily here because there are other members like you who have differing thoughts than mine to help me look from another angle, as well to show that there is still this process of the journey, even for those of us who have been here for a while. We are all works in progress. Thank you for reminding me I don't have to be perfect! 

I want to close with a quote from Pete Walker and his book Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving, pg 168:

The inner critic is the superego gone bad. The inner critic is the superego in overdrive desperately trying to win your parents' approval. When perfectionist striving fails to win welcoming from your parents, the inner critic becomes increasingly hostile and caustic. It festers into a virulent inner voice that increasingly manifests self-hate, self-disgust and self-abandonment. The inner critic blames you incessantly for shortcomings that it imagines to be the cause of your parents' rejections. It is incapable of understanding that the real cause lies in your parents' shortcomings.

 

I feel rather like a tumbleweed being blown all about, not sure which side is up at the moment, but I do know that my co-workers all seem very nice, and there is a lot of laughter amongst them, so the environment is good. We had a Christmas party/dinner last night to which they invited me after my only being there 4 weeks. They already like to tease and joke with me, and I take that as a good sign. In some ways I am afraid of their care, to let it in if you know what I mean. It is something we desperately seek to have as children of a BPD parent, yet to actually be offered it and then to recieve it... .well, that is another topic!

 
Wools

[Turkish]

"The winds of the past can the flames of the present."

That's beautiful,  succinct,  and even literary! I'm going to keep that one with me,  and I might crib it from time to time. I may have to send you royalty checks 

 I do know that my co-workers all seem very nice,

They seem nice,  or they are nice? It sounds like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

[Janneke]

One way I turn things outward is "would I treat another person this way / would I say this to another person?" Chances are you would not say to a new employee "I can't believe you didn't get it the first time." And if YOU wouldn't do that, neither would most people.

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you Janneke. You make a point that is helpful, and it causes me to realize that I tend to project that others will treat me the same way that my uBPDm treated me. Most people are not like that, you are right.

Turkish, I'll be checking my mailbox for those royalty checks! Snail mail isn't too fast though, so maybe it'll be a while before I get them.   

You are howling up the wrong tree... .

They seem nice,  or they are nice? It sounds like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

... .or maybe not. Sighs. I really should've finished up the Pete Walker quote with his next paragraph, but I didn't think it applied-it was all about hypervigilance. Your question brought into much sharper focus that this was exactly what I was doing, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"Hypervigilance is a fixation on looking for danger that comes from excessive exposure to real danger. In an effort to recognize, predict and avoid danger, hypervigilance is ingrained in your approach to being in the world. Hypervigilance narrows your attention into an incessant, on-guard scanning of the people around you. It also frequently progects you into the future, imagining danger in upcoming social events. Moreover, hypervigilance typically devolves into intense performance anxiety on every level of self-expression.

How often I'm surprised by how much my subconscious plays into nearly every minute of my day, those things learned as a child from my FOO and uBPDm which have become so very routine that I don't even know they're an ingrained response and unhealthy. Yes, my coworkers seem nice, and YES, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop even though it most likely will not.

Some days this past week I felt more settled, then other days I did not. I hope I keep settling. I don't like unsettled... .

Wools