Will my borderline wife come back?

[Cschris10]

. Me and her are both addicts in long term recovery and her BPD is undiagnost. My sponsor is a lsw with an lcadc and. Told me through knowsing us both for years that this is the case... .
So a month and a half ago my wife told me she wanted a "seperation" to save our marriage i begrugently agreed. In this time she gas lighted me and made me think i was crazy when i accused her of seeing someone else. She convinced everyone around us this wasnt the case.
 About a month in i became suicidal over the whole ordeal, i check myself into a hospital hoping tto leave witb a diagnosis, i didnt theh said it was situational depression. I came home to find out my wife was having an affair.
 Most people would leave at this point right? Im 25, a good looking guy, and i have a nice job, i deserve better. But Not me im a sick codependent and my wife has always had her faults. But she never went completely against her morals like this. She will show up at my house begging for forgiveness, and once i start to open that door again she continues her affair dispite promises to end it.
In the past month and i half ive watched my wife completely desimate her life. Shes moved back into her parents. Lost all her friends. Lost the respect of people in the meeting we regularly attend. Shes at risk of losing custody of her daughter(which i found out was only uncontested from the fathers parents because i was in my wifes life and i was "stable"
The kid she is "dating" only has a couple months clean. Lives at his parents. And couldnt financially support him self let alone my wife and step daughter. Which i always have done. They both stopped attending meeting and im afraid that they are going to end up getting high.
Im having trouble wrapping my brain around the whole thing. Becausr when i see her she tells me everything i "need" to hear from her that its going to be different, just to get  on again. Im having trouble thinking tbat all those things are lies and manipulation. Im having trouble thinking my wife could even act like this. A week before it happened she was confessing her love for me telling me we have one of the healthiest relationships around us.
When ever i catch her in her lies. She says that she never made those promises to me. And a couple days later she confesses her love all over again.
And dispite all this i just want my wife and step daughter back. They are my whole life. Im still in disbelief that this is actually happening. My wife was always a little "special" or ecentric but these behaiviors are so of kilter even for her.
So i guess my question is what do i do. I dont want to divorce my wife even though i know i deserve better. I just want her to get her head out of her ass. It seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it to.
My last boundary was if she didnt stop talking to him i was going to walk. After a week of lies i found out she started talking to him again the day after she was begging for me back.
My other question is even if we do get divorced is she ever going to feel real remorse or regret? I did everything i could for my wife i treated her really well. Tbere was definetly things i could have done better but i didnt deserve this.
So what it basically comes down to is. How do i try and get her to stop destroying her life? How do i get her to come home?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

 
Welcome Cschris19:  
I'm so sorry for the situation with your wife  

 Me and her are both addicts in long term recovery and her BPD is undiagnosed.  

Are you maintaining your sobriety?  How about your wife, is it possible that she has lost her sobriety?

About a month ago, I became suicidal over the whole ordeal, I checked myself into a hospital, hoping to leave with a diagnosis, they said it was situational depression.

I commend you for recognizing you needed help and checking into a hospital.  Are you following up with some counseling and perhaps some meds?  It takes time to work through things.

So what it basically comes down to is, how do I try and get her to stop destroying her life? How do I get her to come home? . . . I just want my wife and step daughter back.

My other question is even if we do get divorced is she ever going to feel real remorse or regret? I did everything I could for my wife and I treated her really well. There were definitely things I could have done better, but I didn't deserve this.    

Unfortunately, you can't change your wife, only she can do that.  No one deserves what people with BPD dish out.  It wouldn't have mattered, if you were the perfect husband in all regards.  The only thing you can do is to learn many of the communication skills and strategies that can help you manage the way you interact with your wife and react to her behavior.  

The best thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself, and focus on staying sober and managing/recovering from your depression.  Using certain skills can help your interactions with your wife, but she likely needs to acknowledge that she has behavioral issues and needs to get some therapy and possibly meds to manage her behaviors.

Boundaries are for your benefit.  They may be hard to enforce, but they are important for the long run.  Certain communication tools,  can make things better for you.  The links below are, also, good places to start.

VALIDATION

COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

The two threads below can be helpful for you to avoid arguments and drama.  At the end of the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle, there is information about healthy communication triangles.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS
bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

This link goes to an interesting article about who Boarderlines lie so much?
www.BPDcentral.com/blog/?Why-Do-Narcissists-and-Borderlines-Lie-So-Much-24

Have you read any books on BPD?  A lot of people start with the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  I actually got the audio book, but you can get a Kindle version or book form.

[Cschris10]

Naughty nibbler thanks for your response. I am staying sober (nobody is worth my clean date) im continuing to attend na meetings and see a therapist. They gave me some non narcotic anti anxiety meds. But nothing for the depression they said because it was situational that there was nothing they could do.

Unfortunetly i dont know if she will ever recognize that she has a problem (because its always everyone elses fault)

Its starting to scare the ___ out of me that the woman i was so inlove and infactuated with (on her good days) never really existed and she had me and everyone around her fooled.

It hurts that all the "love" she had for me wasnt real. And that she is most likely over validating this kid like she did for me in the begining of our realationship.

I know she is sick and isnt ever going to get better and that hurts to. I wish i wasnt so codependent because on paper its a no brainer im better off and didnt do anything wrong. But yet i still feel conpletely decimated.

I set boundaries though i told her i dont want to discuss anything thats not connected to the divorce i.e. car insurance stuff like that. I havent gotten angry or yelled at her been nothing but respectful.

She made her bed now she has to lie in it. It just sucks to watch her continue to destroy her life. And it wasnt just hers that got destroyed in the process but theb again i guess it is what it is. And im truly better off with out this, what turned out to be a monster. Its just hard morning a person that never really existed

[drained1996]

Hi CsChris10, I want to join Naughty Nibbler in welcoming you to the site.  We can see that you have been through a lot, anyone would find dealing with all that you have very difficult!  It seems you have a fairly clear perspective on things at the time.  Good move to set a boundary to keep any and all communication strictly about the divorce.  That's a healthy thing for you going forward. 
I see now you are in the detaching stage as it sounds as if a divorce is pending and from your last post it's clear at this point your goal is to move on in life.  You may find the detaching board a good place for future posts.  There you will find those that either have been down your path, or are walking theirs at the same time with you.  I'm not discouraging you to post here, by all means keep us up to date with how you feel, any thoughts or concerns... .really anything.  That's part of the reason this place exists at all!  You've found a place full of those that understand.  Keep sharing!   

[Meili]

I would like to echo the others in welcoming you.

I am also curious, do you still desire to save the relationship or detach and move on at this point? Of course, you'll find support here for whichever path you choose to take. I don't think that any of us wants to support your ending the relationship when you want to salvage it or vise versa though.

[Cschris10]

Thank you guys for welcoming me

I don't think that any of us wants to support your ending the relationship when you want to salvage it or vise versa though.

I would have loved to save my marriage but once i started realizing that the person i wanted to save the marriage with didnt exist, i felt that i had no choice. I know im going to be better off. And as she continues to decimate her life i will no longer be in the blast radious.

I love my wife uncondonitionally, but the fear obligation guilt is starting to lift. Yesterday for the first time ive gotten angry for the first time about the whole thing. And im not beat. And i need to handle myself with self respect. My hand was forced i believe at this point.

Also i read about why the "downgrade" happened and it made perfect sence. When she met me i was 20 had just got clean, had nothing no job no car and lived with my mom. She was 25 and didnt have custody of her daughter.and living at home with her parents

Fast forward 5 years. She left me and got with someone. Who is 27 just got clean. Didnt have a car till last week. And makes minimum wage. The difference is now she is 30 living at home with her parents but now she has custody... .which scares me.

Water seeks her level. One of us grew up in the last 5 years and one of us didnt. Water seeks its level. And she hated that i made her "look bad"

[Cschris10]

Despite all of this im still a mess and cant believe this is my life right now. Yesterday i filed for divorce today im looking for appartments. Two months to the day me and my wife would have both told you we were happily married... .

[drained1996]

It's perfectly ok to feel the way you feel.  Your world has been inexplicably turned upside down... .nobody would feel like they were all together when faced with such circumstances.  We are here.   

[Cschris10]

Thank you everybody for responding, and the support. The past 2 days have been a lot better ive definetly had moments where i cried.

But that was followed my long stints of actual happiness. Happiness i havent felt since all thus started to nose dive 2 minths ago.

I finally realize im free for the first time ib my life. I went from shooting heroin,started as a teen. And two weeks after i got clean i got into this realationship. She was controlling and abusive(still hard for me to say abusive it messes with my pride i guess)

But im cmopletely free to do as i please. Im 25 i have a really good job. Im a good looking guy and jm starting to feel like the world is my oyester.

My wife keeps trying to break the boundary of "only discussing divorce stuff". But im not giving in at her attempts to lour me back in or see me. Knowing what i know and knowing about BPD i will never let her lour me back no matter what she says, because i lnow she cant get better.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY Cschris10:  

I finally realize I'm free for the first time in my life. I went from shooting heroin, started as a teen. And two weeks after I got clean, I got into this relationship. She was controlling and abusive (still hard for me to say abusive it messes with my pride i guess)

But I'm completely free to do as I please. I'm 25, I have a really good job. I'm a good looking guy and I'm starting to feel like the world is my oyster.

My wife keeps trying to break the boundary of "only discussing divorce stuff". But I'm not giving in at her attempts to lour me back in or see me. Knowing what I know and knowing about BPD, I will never let her lour me back no matter what she says, because I know she can't get better.  

I'm glad to hear your upbeat tone and positive attitude.   You have a lot going for you and it sounds like you have a bright future ahead of you.    If might want to bookmark  this thread, or keep a copy of you posts in some manner.  If you waiver at some point, it can be good to reflect back on your thoughts and feelings at a particular point in time.

Best wishes,  

[Cschris10]

Thank you naughty nibler i will bookmark it. Because i know feeling are bound to change thats just how feelings work.

Like today i got some good news at work and my first instinct was to text my soon to be ex and tell her. Then i realized that doong stuff like that isnt part of my life anymore and that hurt. But a brighter tomoro is worth an uncomfortable today.

Also i was always taught in recovery if im going to share the mess, i also have to share the message(of hope)

This message board helps me so much so thabk you everybody for the support and replies. It gives me relief to know im not alone.

[drained1996]

But a brighter tomorrow is worth an uncomfortable today.

That's a very healthy train of thought... .I like it a lot.  (might have to use it sometime if  you don't mind!)

Congratulations on your good work news.  Keep shifting the focus to YOU and YOUR future... .that helps in the process!