Concerned about son's girlfriend

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I just discovered this community and hope that my situation is not too "remote" for the group. It involves my 26 year old son's long term, serious girlfriend--also 26--who I believe has BPD traits. I'll call them Jack and Diane.

Jack and Diane met through mutual friends, three years ago, just as my son was about to graduate from college. At the time Diane was halfway through veterinary school. For the first year of their relationship, they lived about an hour apart and saw each other frequently. Then my son moved about 6 hours away for a job, but they maintained a long distance relationship. Now she is in a residency program, and he is in graduate school, so they are still long distance but planning to be in the same town as of next summer. He has told me that he's planning to propose to her at that time.

"On paper" the relationship looks great: two intelligent, successful people planning a future together. And initially, when they started dating, I was thrilled. Diane makes a good first impression. She's physically very beautiful, well-spoken and has the capacity to be quite charming.

But as time has gone on, I've slowly come to the realization that something is very wrong with Diane. Here are some examples:

No matter what situation she is in, she ends up in conflict with others. When she was in school, the conflict was with professors and sometimes other students. Now that she is in residency the conflict is with staff at her program. Each time this happens she escalates the conflict to superiors, insists that she is being discriminated against, but then worries that her complaints will hurt her chances of future success and gets upset about that. The result is an endless loop of woe.

She is talented at her profession, but alternately displays a lack of confidence and an overabundance of it--bouncing back and forth between fishing for compliments and bragging.
 
She reacts strongly and negatively to anything that doesn't go completely right in her eyes, then relies on Jack to calm her down. Jack does not seem to mind this for the most part, but occasionally becomes overwhelmed and asks me to talk to her. Usually by the time he does this, she has worked herself into a rage, and can barely be understood between screaming and extremely rapid speech.

My husband will sometimes initiate humorous group texts including all of our children and their SOs. Without fail, Diane will contribute something off-topic and negative, thus bringing the group text to a screeching halt. For example, she responded to a group text about traveling with an announcement that she hated her b___ of a grandmother. As a result the other kids have begun distancing themselves from her and Jack.

She displays a stunning level of self-absorption when in crisis mode. Crisis mode can happen suddenly and is typically an overreaction. So, for example, she had an interview on the day after my mother (Jack's grandmother) died. Jack and I were very emotional about this; she'd literally died in our arms. Diane felt that the interview hadn't gone well and went into crisis mode. Jack tried talking to her but she only got more and more upset because he wasn't paying enough attention to her. When he explained that he was grieving she went ballistic and kept him on the phone for 3 hours screaming that he didn't love her. (This event was when I  realize that something was seriously wrong.)

The facebook posts, oh Lord the facebook posts. She puts one up every day, rotating between descriptions of her latest cases at work, cryptic comments about how she is being discriminated against in some way, and expressions of love for Jack that are way TMI.

I could go on. I think this is enough.

My general policy with all of my children is not to comment on their romantic relationships unless asked. Jack doesn't ask and in fact has distanced himself from a sister who suggested that Diane was out of line for the grandmother's death incident (she witnessed part of the long phone call). Yet he DOES ask me to help him calm Diane down when she is in crisis mode.

So... .I'm sorry for the wall of text and for the disjointed nature of this... .I suppose I just needed to write some of that out. The thing that's getting to me now is that I don't know what to do or if I even CAN do anything. I've had a good relationship with Jack and I want to keep it. I feel as though if I say or do anything to suggest that he slow down the relationship with Diane, he will simply distance himself from me as he did with his sister... .and yet I feel like I am watching a train wreck in slow motion.

Has anyone here dealt with anything like this? Any words of wisdom?

[easternpeaches]

I just discovered this community and hope that my situation is not too "remote" for the group. It involves my 26 year old son's long term, serious girlfriend--also 26--who I believe has BPD traits. I'll call them Jack and Diane.

Jack and Diane met through mutual friends, three years ago, just as my son was about to graduate from college. At the time Diane was halfway through veterinary school. For the first year of their relationship, they lived about an hour apart and saw each other frequently. Then my son moved about 6 hours away for a job, but they maintained a long distance relationship. Now she is in a residency program, and he is in graduate school, so they are still long distance but planning to be in the same town as of next summer. He has told me that he's planning to propose to her at that time.

"On paper" the relationship looks great: two intelligent, successful people planning a future together. And initially, when they started dating, I was thrilled. Diane makes a good first impression. She's physically very beautiful, well-spoken and has the capacity to be quite charming.

But as time has gone on, I've slowly come to the realization that something is very wrong with Diane. Here are some examples:

No matter what situation she is in, she ends up in conflict with others. When she was in school, the conflict was with professors and sometimes other students. Now that she is in residency the conflict is with staff at her program. Each time this happens she escalates the conflict to superiors, insists that she is being discriminated against, but then worries that her complaints will hurt her chances of future success and gets upset about that. The result is an endless loop of woe.

She is talented at her profession, but alternately displays a lack of confidence and an overabundance of it--bouncing back and forth between fishing for compliments and bragging.
 
She reacts strongly and negatively to anything that doesn't go completely right in her eyes, then relies on Jack to calm her down. Jack does not seem to mind this for the most part, but occasionally becomes overwhelmed and asks me to talk to her. Usually by the time he does this, she has worked herself into a rage, and can barely be understood between screaming and extremely rapid speech.

My husband will sometimes initiate humorous group texts including all of our children and their SOs. Without fail, Diane will contribute something off-topic and negative, thus bringing the group text to a screeching halt. For example, she responded to a group text about traveling with an announcement that she hated her b___ of a grandmother. As a result the other kids have begun distancing themselves from her and Jack.

She displays a stunning level of self-absorption when in crisis mode. Crisis mode can happen suddenly and is typically an overreaction. So, for example, she had an interview on the day after my mother (Jack's grandmother) died. Jack and I were very emotional about this; she'd literally died in our arms. Diane felt that the interview hadn't gone well and went into crisis mode. Jack tried talking to her but she only got more and more upset because he wasn't paying enough attention to her. When he explained that he was grieving she went ballistic and kept him on the phone for 3 hours screaming that he didn't love her. (This event was when I  realize that something was seriously wrong.)

The facebook posts, oh Lord the facebook posts. She puts one up every day, rotating between descriptions of her latest cases at work, cryptic comments about how she is being discriminated against in some way, and expressions of love for Jack that are way TMI.

I could go on. I think this is enough.

My general policy with all of my children is not to comment on their romantic relationships unless asked. Jack doesn't ask and in fact has distanced himself from a sister who suggested that Diane was out of line for the grandmother's death incident (she witnessed part of the long phone call). Yet he DOES ask me to help him calm Diane down when she is in crisis mode.

So... .I'm sorry for the wall of text and for the disjointed nature of this... .I suppose I just needed to write some of that out. The thing that's getting to me now is that I don't know what to do or if I even CAN do anything. I've had a good relationship with Jack and I want to keep it. I feel as though if I say or do anything to suggest that he slow down the relationship with Diane, he will simply distance himself from me as he did with his sister... .and yet I feel like I am watching a train wreck in slow motion.

Has anyone here dealt with anything like this? Any words of wisdom?

[Notwendy]

I haven't personally dealt with this but there have been several posts from mothers of sons who fell in love with a woman with BPD. In most of those cases, saying anything about the woman caused the son to distance himself from the family. It was heartbreaking. I think you are wise to not say anything.

I agree, it is hard to see what is going on. I think I watched it from the standpoint of a daughter. A model that I wished I had known about at the time I spoke out is the drama triangle. In these cases, the husband's main role is rescuer. If I were to say anything about my BPD mother that was negative, my father would step in to rescue her, and she would be the victim.

It has astounded me how strong these bonds are- strong enough so that a son would distance himself from his family if it became apparent they didn't like the woman. But I didn't realize that as an adult myself, my father would distance himself from his own daughter- me- but he did. In his elder years, he became ill and I became concerned about him being left in my mother's care, and she took control of his relationship with me.

If your son goes through with this, then be there for him, but resist rescuing him. He has made his choice, and as hard as it is to watch, there may be little you can do but be a support to both of them. I don't know what else can be done.

My father's family didn't like my mother and he kept a distance from them. I can only imagine that this broke his own mother's heart. I'd like to think my sibs and I were the silver lining to this.  School breaks were a stress on my mother. Having kids home all day was not something she enjoyed. So, we spent school breaks with my father's family- and became close to them. My children are now close to their cousins on that side. We are estranged from my mother's FOO-my mother painted me black to them after my father died, and they don't contact me.

Your son is in a tough situation, but I think from seeing the dynamics in my parents' situation,  I think you are wise to not speak of her negatively and if you are willing to help if/when kids come along, your relationship with them can make a big difference to them.

[Mutt]

Hi easternpeaches, 



I'm sorry to hear that. That has to be difficult to watch knowing what could be in store for your. I agree with Notwendy to stay in the middle and don't pick a side, I have not been in that situation but I just wanted to share something with you.

I'm adopted, I started searching for my birth mother about 10 years ago, I starteed that search just before I met my ex wife. My mom met all of us and we visited each other, she's the one like you picked that my ex was BPD. I asked her how she knew, she works with children in her field and it's the borderline mothers that she has to deal with sometimes. It must of been hard for her to keep that knowledge to herself, she didn't tell me until after my ex wife left, she didn't want to get in the middle because she didn't want to lose me a second time. I got that and I wasn't angry at my mom, she has unconditional love for me and so do I, it's a r/s that trumps my ex wife's r/s.

I think that it helps to share your experience with others so that you don't have to go through this alone.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle