Are anonymous msges likely to be from pwBPD friend?

[Julia S]

I went NC with my BPD friend 5 or 6 weeks ago. Wasn't planning to but I realised he was manipulating and attention seeking sometimes reading or replying to my msges on social media and sometimes not. And I was finding it increasingly hurtful and getting depressed. So I just stopped trying, and a week went by, then another. I knew he wouldn't initiate a conversation with me because he never has (he's avoidant and scared of rejection).
Then suddenly I got a msg request from a stranger, no details showing, and when I sent a friend request I was asked to suggest friends for him. It was asking about something the BPD friend would know about, but that I hadn't mentioned online for months.
I feel strongly that this is the friend trying to contact me via an alias profile. I gave a couple of replies to the queries which were regarding mental health treatment, but although they were read, the person has not replied or said thank you. The BPD friend is the only person I know who would do that.
If it's him considering treatment - which I previously suggested he should do but he was in denial - then I want to encourage him. Or if it's a stranger asking for help and maybe desperate I wouldn't want to ignore them. But I fear it might be the friend playing me along - even if that wasn't the original intention - and it's drawing me in again. I don't think it's a regular stalker as there are more personal things they could ask me about from my hobbies.

Is this likely BPD/avoidant behaviour?

[Confused108]

It most likely your friend. BPD ppl are very afraid of rejection. Why they make up fake profiles via Facebook etc I can't tell you. But the coincidence of telling your friend I think you have BPD get some help and now your getting weird messages? About BPD? Yea it's him. It's obvious. I went thru the same thing with my ex. She ended things with me Sept 2015. By New Year's Eve I was getting crazy messages via Facebook. Just a pic of a woman saying Hi dear. Then they would delete the account. The best one I got was in Feb 2016 . It was on Facebook and their name was "Gift Love" - and their profile picture said "Heart Injured" with a red flat line in the background. Yes that was my ex. It's childish the games they play instead of being themselves but if you read up on this disorder they act like kids and are not mature enough to handle any adult relationship.

[woundedPhoenix]

We ofcourse can't say for sure, but I would say it is your Friend.

I know BPDs easily create Alt Accounts, even total online personas to go with them, probably the internet feels anonymous enough to show those sides of themselves they cannot find a release for in daily life.

And especially with the confronting topic like them seeking help, they will often depersonalise it this way.

[Julia S]

After whomever msged me picked up my replies, a day or two later I decided to assume whomever it was they were in need of support with depression. So I replied saying I would put together some info that overlapped with treatment for anxiety, and any suggestions I could glean from friends. I then sent a first installment of this. That was more than 24 hours ago and has not been read. I do now suspect it is the BPD friend and that either they did want self-treatment advice but the moment has passed, or they simply wanted a way of making contact, and now they've had their fix, gone off to pursue their own agenda without another thought.

I hate the way this makes me feel so manipulated.

NB If it is the friend and they still feel attracted to me, then it's very possible that bit of anonymous contact was enough to send their emotions into turmoil and make them avoid me again.

[troisette]

I think there is a high probability that it is your friend, for the reasons others have given.

There is something else to consider though, and apologies for going off topic but I think it's worth mentioning.

The subject of friends' requests from strangers comes up quite often here.  It's worth remembering that some internet operators create fake FB profiles and send friend requests at random to form a friends' network - the network expanding exponentially; it's called "farming", they then sell on the fake profiles - with the friends' contacts - for profit.

[Julia S]

Troisette, they didn't send a friend request, it was a msg request - msges have to be accepted because they're not on my friend list. It was me who sent the friend request - which they did not accept - but fbook immediately said I should suggest friends for them, which made me think it was a new profile/no friends.

I'm very aware of internet trolling etc and it was not like that.

[troisette]

As I said Julia, when I apologised for going off topic, it is a subject that crops up quite often on these boards and, for that reason I thought it worth mentioning for the benefit of others. As I also said, I think your interpretation is probably correct.

[Julia S]

Sorry, yes. I've been though the mill on sales forums where someone might msg you a viral msg or indeed do anything to try and put you off out of spite. As I'm part of arts communities I'm also used to all sorts of unsolicited approaches. But you're quite right to warn people who might not be.
It also bothers me that an encounter with a disordered person can make us so suspicious of everyone else we interact with. That combined with anonymous calls or msges are very damaging. I remember when I had threatening texts and phone calls. It was some years ago when I was teaching in adult ed and gave students my number for meeting for field trips etc. The police said the caller was probably one of them and it was horrible contemplating that. It turned out not to be, but it was someone in a disordered relationship, a year on from when I had a minor brush with her disordered husband.

[Confused108]

Put it this way if you have been in Facebook  for years and never had this happen before to you. And the way it happened it's a no brainer. Like I mentioned mine was the same thing a fake message then the account was deleted asap. I've been on Facebook for years and  never got anything like that before. Well not since my ex. The fake messages , the calls from Canada ( where she is living now) . So yep I know who is behind my nonsense.

[once removed]

we can only speculate. how is it affecting you?

[Sunfl0wer]

So confused here... .

You made a friend request to a stranger, and are now FB friends, now you're suspicious on who they may be?

Why are you engaging in this issue via friending this person?

Why not simply unfriend this stranger/person and be done with this "issue?"

Or am I missing/not understanding something?

[Julia S]

No. I received a msg request - it comes through as a request because they are not on my friend list - from a stranger asking for details of a self-help book I wrote on panic and anxiety. They thought it was about depression. As an author, it is not unusual to get msges or emails from readers about books, though usually it is to say they have read them and enjoyed them or found them interesting. It is also usual for the person contacting us to be open about their identity, and for us to send them friend requests.

They did not accept my friend request, which is again unusual.

[Sunfl0wer]

Ok, so thanks, yea, looks like there are pieces I did not grasp.

Are you able to simply stop the friend request?

(Seems like being an author of such material, not too far fetched that anyone may want to reach you for a variety of reasons.)

[Julia S]

Also, a number of my friends suffer from depression. On a couple of occasions before facebook days, I received rather strange communications, sometimes anonymous, from friends who turned out to be going through major breakdowns at the time.

I am aware of this, and also that xmas is often a difficult time for someone who suffers depression. My BPD friend suffers depression, so if he is vulnerable at the moment, or if it is another friend contacting me anonymously, or if it is a stranger, if any of them are suffering depression, then I feel it would be wrong to block them or not try to offer what help I can, simply because it might be a BPD person playing mind games.

[Julia S]

And yes, I withdrew the friend request after the person had not responded after a day, and after I got the impression it was a new profile with no friends (fbook asked me to suggest some).

But in any case, the BPD person is on my friend list.

[Sunfl0wer]

I am aware of this, and also that xmas is often a difficult time for someone who suffers depression. My BPD friend suffers depression, so if he is vulnerable at the moment, or if it is another friend contacting me anonymously, or if it is a stranger, if any of them are suffering depression, then I feel it would be wrong to block them or not try to offer what help I can, simply because it might be a BPD person playing mind games.

I suppose I have learned a lot around here about not rescuing others.
I realize I have this rescuing tendency at times, and I still am working on it.

At any given point, some random stranger is likely to be wanting help but not articulating it, even while putting on a happy face to you in conversation.

At what point does it become your responsibility to anticipate and help another manage emotions, or communicate?

I suppose we all have our boundaries.
For me, it is not my responsibility to read another persons mind or to anticipate helping resolve their emotional soothing issues, without them articulating to me and me agreeing to provide support. I am not the whole world's therapist.  Also if I was, likely would set boundaries on my office hours and communication methods that I would reply to.  I can't imagine feeling responsible for an "almost" communication from a supposed depressed person or otherwise.

Just wondering what you feel is worth working on?
Boundaries maybe?

(Seriously trying to be helpful here, not able to smooth out my edges)

Idk, I just find that when my desire to help another exceeds their desire to get help, often I am more invested than they are = me rescuing
Rescuing is NOT the same as helping.  Often is not so helpful so much.

[troisette]

"For me, it is not my responsibility to read another persons mind or to anticipate helping resolve their emotional soothing issues, without them articulating to me and me agreeing to provide support. I am not the whole world's therapist.  Also if I was, likely would set boundaries on my office hours and communication methods that I would reply to.  I can't imagine feeling responsible for an "almost" communication from a supposed depressed person or otherwise."

As a recovering codependent I agree with that comment. I used my codependency to attempt to rescue others, it gave me a good feeling and allowed me to ignore my own issues.

I give emotional support to close friends and my children - when I am used as a sounding board by them. Careful of giving advice to others as the bigger picture can be obscured.

[Julia S]

I've always suffered severe anxiety and panic attacks. I've accumulated a lot of info on it. As I'm an author anyway, I don't see writing that in a book as trying to rescue others, it is sharing what I've found out. There is no boundary issue there.

The BPD person was already a friend I was fond of, so naturally I'd offer support, but not to the extent of it adversely affecting me.

There are lots of MH problems amongst authors, mostly depression and bipolar. And lots of personality disorders amongst musicians and people who do extreme sports.

I think the whole subject of boundaries is very different when it involves personality disordered people, particularly if you are emotionally close to them. It bears no resemblance to the boundaries I am readily able to employ for anyone else. And to suggest that anyone who gets involved with a pwBPD must be lacking or needy in some way themselves just makes everything more damaging for them. Everyone has hang ups and issues of some sort.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sounds like your OP you are concerned, or confused about behavior of another and trying to make sense of it.
Your title "Are anonymous messages likely from pwBPD friend?"
Answer is, our guess is worse than yours... .
You seem to know nuances of how your mail works best, and such, understandable.  You also know the types of people that typically try to contact you, understandable.

Best I see any of us being able to say to title is... .
Maybe.
As Once Remove states, anything we state would be speculation.

Please help me understand, where are you needing help?

[Julia S]

When the anonymous person who contacted me read my replies but did not reply, not even to thank me for responding, I realised the only other person who does that, in my experience, is the BPD friend whom I'd not recently had any contact with. After reading some of the stories here, I wondered if it - contacting under a different name - was a typical thing a shy BPD person might do. So I wanted to know if it was the sort of behaviour others had seen.
Since then, I decided offering a few supportive suggestions was what I was happy with doing whomever it might be.

I think, also, just a few months of interaction with a pwBPD have made me question my own judgement, particularly in reading other people, which I am usually very good at.

[Sunfl0wer]

Well, this site is full of regular folks with an array of perspectives.  I just represent myself here.  For me, I tend to be a bit solution oriented at times.  Which means, first expressing an issue, then getting perspectives from a variety of folks, then me deciding what I want to keep, or leave and sometimes continuing to work out my thoughts out loud.
For me, I'm not really hearing what issue you are interested in resolving, working on.

Maybe you got what you needed?

Maybe another can be helpful for you in this thread.
Maybe some want to speculate along side you, idk.
Personally not really sure what that does for anyone.

[troisette]

Hi Julia - have you read the articles here about BPD? You'll see them on the right hand side of this page. Involvement with a PD person can cause us to doubt ourselves and question previously held beliefs; these disorders are complex with multiple variants.

I found reading - here and on other reputable sites - to  be of help. Also previous posts were helpful, especially those by "2010".

The experiences of other posters are helpful in trying to work on our own situation but each BPD is different and extensive reading does help gain perspective and further understanding of what we've been involved in, and why.

[once removed]

can proximity to a person on a PD spectrum "cause" us to question our reality and judgment?

[Julia S]

This is the place to get perspectives from people who have interacted with pwBPD. Most people I know don't get that, they don't get that the disorder can override other things. They think that if someone wants to contact you they'll overcome any fear of rejection to do so, that if they know they have mental health problems they'll go to a dr and get help.

Also, as I mentioned, a number of my friends, particularly the authors, suffer from depression. So their advice is always to assume any negative behaviour is the result of depression and treat the person accordingly, giving them as much or as little contact and attention as they ask for at any given time. I made that mistake before I joined this community, because of course, with a pwBPD you're giving them free rein to control and manipulate you.

Also, if someone tells you they cannot be in a relationship with you, you kind of expect them either to walk away and not look back, or if it is unresolved or they have second thoughts, to suggest maybe meeting up and see how you get on. You don't expect them to need to contact you weeks or months on to get a fix or satisfy themselves you still care about them. Whereas that seems to be the sort of behaviour people in this community are familiar with.  

[Julia S]

Posts crossed.

Troisette, I've done so much reading about BPD in the past 3 months I've feared my head will explode.

OR, yes I think it does cause us to doubt ourselves. If the pwBPD is a child or sibling etc, then I think you can set the rules re boundaries. But if they're a romantic partner or potential one, then any relationship involves compromise. My brush with pwBPD as more than friendship and at that point realising the extent of his problems was very recent and brief. It wouldn't cause me to question my beliefs. But being drawn in by someone I thought was a genuine friend, then finding myself part of his tangled reality, has made me doubt my ability to read who people are. When he told me about some of his problems, and women letting him down, and how his parents had neglected him, I actually told him about someone else I knew who'd had similar relationship and family background, and how he was lucky he hadn't ended up with the personality disorders (NPD) this other person had.

[once removed]

If the pwBPD is a child or sibling etc, then I think you can set the rules re boundaries. But if they're a romantic partner or potential one, then any relationship involves compromise.

we might be mixing concepts here. boundaries arent rules for another person, and they may involve compromise. boundaries are about where you begin and the other person ends.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
practical examples: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

But being drawn in by someone I thought was a genuine friend, then finding myself part of his tangled reality, has made me doubt my ability to read who people are.

i think this is different than proximity to someone causing us confusion, and i can certainly relate. i wondered who, if anyone, i could trust, and at the heart of that wondering was being entirely uncertain i could even trust myself. scary.

And to suggest that anyone who gets involved with a pwBPD must be lacking or needy in some way themselves just makes everything more damaging for them. Everyone has hang ups and issues of some sort.

im not sure anyone is suggesting that. everyone also has room for improvement. when i was not sure who i could trust, or if i could trust myself, i was operating from a place of fear, and understandably so. so what was the empowering alternative to living in fear? learning a bit more about myself, relationships, human nature (this is a great place to do it). it took an open mind, because those were topics id always given a lot (if excessive) of thought to.

youre wondering if this person is contacting you and why. as  Sunfl0wer suggested, you have far greater insight into that question than any of us. we can walk you through it. we can explore how its affecting you, and explore solutions, if any.

do you want to have that conversation?

[troisette]

"can proximity to a person on a PD spectrum "cause" us to question our reality and judgment?"

For me, the answer to that question is "yes" once removed.

As my relationship deepened and I experienced the range of his disorder I increasingly felt as though I was living in a hall of distorting mirrors. Or Alice at tea with the Hatter.  This was probably exacerbated because most BPD indicators were only evident at home: he's able to maintain a high functioning persona in short bursts when out and about.

I've since learned to trust my reality and judgement.

[Julia S]

In answer to Troisette, although I didn't get into a full relationship with this friend, I think that's how it would be. He's high functioning in a techie job that doesn't involve much contact with people, and out and about is either a loner or hides behind a stage persona. I doubt anyone has a clue unless they've gone into relationship territory with him. He's in denial about his condition and I could easily convince myself I imagined it all. I certainly don't buy what he said about being the perfect partner to the people he lived with, while they let him down seriously. The other suspicious thing was that when we got as close as we got before he ran, he suddenly started telling me how his previous partner, who had previously been dreadful, was all right really. Retrospectively, it felt like as I stepped into the transference role, she was released from it.

[Julia S]

In answer to Once Removed:

I think my question/feelings/concerns may have changed since the OP.

Initially it was asking whether this sort of anonymous contact is something common with BPDs. This was early on when I was trying to work out who the person might be – as soon as I was pretty sure it was a deliberate contact under an alias – in case it was someone in genuine need for whom I should take some sort of action like directly ensuring they were OK and cared for. I’ve had someone contact me from a psychiatric unit before now, and another probably hours before they were sectioned. So far as I know, the BPD person has never tried to harm himself in any way, and he has a close relative living nearby, so if it were likely to be him, at the time I thought that would be preferable to eg a suicidal teenager.

Now I’m pretty certain it is them, that raises new questions and anxieties.

Firstly, it bothers me that when I know someone has rejection/avoidance issues about initiating a conversation with me, and when therefore I think so long as I don’t contact them, we will naturally drift apart, that they should find such a way of doing it. Or that, having told me they don’t want a relationship, and freaked at me for contacting them too often in an effort to stay friends (I now understand why this would overwhelm them) they should want to. Though, at the same time, the more I read about the push pull thing, I can see that might be what’s going on.
So it bothers me that this is likely to happen again in some form, that even now, thinking the anonymous person is the BPD friend, I’m drawn in again, constantly checking for replies that never come, and wondering whether they want to get therapy, or want us to be friends. And it bothers me that their motivation might be purely manipulative, to stir my feelings for them and keep me hooked. It bothers me that all this matters to me and occupies my thoughts, while they are probably getting on with their life in the safe knowledge they’ve managed to draw me in and control me again.

[Sunfl0wer]

Often, there is not much we can do to figure out what another person does, or change how they behave.  Best we can typically do is figure ourself out, and see what we need.

Now I’m pretty certain it is them, that raises new questions and anxieties

What do you usually find helps alleviate your anxiety?