Silent treatment and behavior that I don't really know how to deal with.

[Depression = 72% of members]

On Saturday I drove up to see my boyfriend. He was working the overnight shift at the time. The owner doesn't care if I hang around so I usually spend a few hours with him while he works. And then I will go back to his apartment and sleep for the next couple of hours until he comes home. This way I don't mess up my sleep schedule too much.

So I'm at his job and we're hanging out and we're fooling around and chasing each other and doing really silly things. Something that's not really a big deal if there's no customers around. At some point I become tired so I just kind of sit on one of the benches and play with my phone. I completely zoned out at this point because I was slightly tired and it was already 2 in the morning and then I smile at him and say some affectionate words and he doesn't respond. So I'm thinking that maybe he's busy doing whatever he was doing you can work on the electronics. But then 20 minutes later I try to talk to him again and he's completely unresponsive. And I asked him what's wrong. And he just Shrugged his shoulders. And then I asked him again and he just does not respond at all. He keeps doing what he's doing. And I go if something's wrong then you should tell me. I need to stretch the shoulders again. And says you should probably go back to my apartment and sleep. I tell him that I'm not really interested in going to sleep just yet. I wanted to hang out with him for another half an hour or so. He just Shrugged his shoulders again and says just go home. I sit around for another 20 minutes and I confront him again saying listen if something's going on then I'd like to know. Because I'm not really sure what's going on here. If you want I can go back and sleep for a couple hours then come back in like 6 a.m. He says don't bother.




Finally I say okay fine I'll go home. But I really need you to tell me what's wrong. I don't want to sit here knowing you asking you what's up if you're not comfortable telling me. And then he's like will so why are you doing it. At this point I get a little bit upset. I have no clue what's going on and why he's so angry but it's very obvious that he's very ticked off. And that he doesn't want to be around me right now. So I finally relent and leave. I go to sleep but it's difficult because it's hard for me to sleep when I know he's upset like that. It might be a little bit co-dependent of me. But I like to feel like we're on neutral ground at the very least when I go to bed. My dad used to always pull the silent treatment when he was angry about something, so it's like a hairline trigger for me.

Finally comes home around 8:30. And I asked him how he is. And he tells me that I mean. But I speak to him affectionately and eventually we cuddled. We had some intimate moments then we fell asleep. But we woke up we spent the entire day together and everything seems to be fine. Finally before bed we are having some nice deep conversations about us in general and how long we've been together. And since it felt like the very calm and safe environment I decided to ask him again what was going on the night before at his job. He tells me that doesn't matter. I tell him that I want to know. I need tells me that if you keep going you're digging your own grave. If you don't know by now then you won't figure it out.

I know well enough to not push it when he's asked me not to. But I don't know how to deal with this kind of behavior. If something is bothering him, then I'd rather that you told me that I can understand where he's coming from rather than be completely in the dark and have to deal with manipulative Behavior.

[misuniadziubek]

On Saturday I drove up to see my boyfriend. He was working the overnight shift at the time. The owner doesn't care if I hang around so I usually spend a few hours with him while he works. And then I will go back to his apartment and sleep for the next couple of hours until he comes home. This way I don't mess up my sleep schedule too much.

So I'm at his job and we're hanging out and we're fooling around and chasing each other and doing really silly things. Something that's not really a big deal if there's no customers around. At some point I become tired so I just kind of sit on one of the benches and play with my phone. I completely zoned out at this point because I was slightly tired and it was already 2 in the morning and then I smile at him and say some affectionate words and he doesn't respond. So I'm thinking that maybe he's busy doing whatever he was doing you can work on the electronics. But then 20 minutes later I try to talk to him again and he's completely unresponsive. And I asked him what's wrong. And he just Shrugged his shoulders. And then I asked him again and he just does not respond at all. He keeps doing what he's doing. And I go if something's wrong then you should tell me. I need to stretch the shoulders again. And says you should probably go back to my apartment and sleep. I tell him that I'm not really interested in going to sleep just yet. I wanted to hang out with him for another half an hour or so. He just Shrugged his shoulders again and says just go home. I sit around for another 20 minutes and I confront him again saying listen if something's going on then I'd like to know. Because I'm not really sure what's going on here. If you want I can go back and sleep for a couple hours then come back in like 6 a.m. He says don't bother.




Finally I say okay fine I'll go home. But I really need you to tell me what's wrong. I don't want to sit here knowing you asking you what's up if you're not comfortable telling me. And then he's like will so why are you doing it. At this point I get a little bit upset. I have no clue what's going on and why he's so angry but it's very obvious that he's very ticked off. And that he doesn't want to be around me right now. So I finally relent and leave. I go to sleep but it's difficult because it's hard for me to sleep when I know he's upset like that. It might be a little bit co-dependent of me. But I like to feel like we're on neutral ground at the very least when I go to bed. My dad used to always pull the silent treatment when he was angry about something, so it's like a hairline trigger for me.

Finally comes home around 8:30. And I asked him how he is. And he tells me that I mean. But I speak to him affectionately and eventually we cuddled. We had some intimate moments then we fell asleep. But we woke up we spent the entire day together and everything seems to be fine. Finally before bed we are having some nice deep conversations about us in general and how long we've been together. And since it felt like the very calm and safe environment I decided to ask him again what was going on the night before at his job. He tells me that doesn't matter. I tell him that I want to know. I need tells me that if you keep going you're digging your own grave. If you don't know by now then you won't figure it out.

I know well enough to not push it when he's asked me not to. But I don't know how to deal with this kind of behavior. If something is bothering him, then I'd rather that you told me that I can understand where he's coming from rather than be completely in the dark and have to deal with manipulative Behavior.

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[Notwendy]

Is this the first time you've experienced the ST? That used to be a favorite of my H's. It would really upset me- like you experienced. Why did I say "used to be"- well- because it lost its affect on me. I don't react to it. It doesn't "work" like it used to, as I just go about my business if/when it happens.

Have you ever heard a mother speak to a young child who is upset- maybe that child hit a sibling, or is having a tantrum. The mother looks directly at the young child and says " Use your words honey- (not your fist if the child hit a sibling). This is great teaching- it validates the young child "I understand you are upset because Billy took your toy, so use your words".

We are adults now, and in the adult world, if someone wants to behave and communicate as an adult- we use our words. Whose responsibility is it to communicate his/her feelings? The person with the feelings. If your boyfriend is upset over something, then it is his responsibility to use his words to tell you.

The other side of this though - is choice. His feelings, his words- he can choose to tell you or not to tell you. This isn't something you have any control over. You can plead, beg ,soothe, but he isn't going to tell you what is going on with him until/unless he wants to. The only choice you have is what you will do about it.

This was very hard for me to deal with. I hated the ST. But with support from a co-dependency 12 step sponsor, I was able to learn to manage my own feelings during these times. Basically, it was my own discomfort with this that made it so hard to deal with. It is also why the ST worked so well to get me pleading, upset, ( giving attention) doing anything I knew to make it better ( to stop my own discomfort with it)- and so the ST worked to get this attention. My goal was to be content- if someone gave me the ST or not.

The hard part for you is the distance you travel to see your BF. You are, in a way, captive. If you lived nearby, you could just go home till he decided to get over it, but you are not going to do this at 2 am with a long distance to drive ( that isn't safe).  For me, one of the worst ST was on long car trips. I had to sit right next to him for hours. That was where headphones came in handy- listening to music- and at times, I would call my sponsor from gas station bathrooms for support. But I got through it- I was able to keep calm the whole time- and leave him in his space- and I knew I was also OK through it too.

So for this scenario- as there could be a next time. If you are visiting him for the weekend- bring something for you to do in case this happens. Music on your phone. Headphones. An extra charger if you need to listen for hours. A good book that you really like. Homework if you are in school. Once you realize he is giving you the ST- say very little. "Honey, If you are upset with me, I would want to know about it, so let me know if you need to talk. I think I will go to bed now ( or read my book, or take a shower). Love you. Give him a quick peck and then- go take some space for you.

I will say something about the job. My H's job is his space. He feels invaded with me there. So I don't see him at work, even if it is allowed. Regardless of what your BF's boss thinks, you being in your BF's job is being in his space. If you want some advice- it would be that if you are visiting, it's important to act professional. Even if a customer isn't there, one could walk in at any time. Seeing employees acting silly with their SO would not make a good impression. Your BF needs his job and cares about his job performance. He also has a job to do and although he wants to see you, it may also frustrate him to have the distraction. He may not have known how to say this, but at some point- had enough of this. Some people prefer to work without distractions, so don't take this personally.

If you are visiting when he works the night shift- it may be better to give him space- visit briefly- then leave. It may also be better to not visit at all on those weekends. Most of us don't manage our feelings well when we are tired, and working the night shift disrupts sleep. He was likely tired at work, and then also needed to sleep the next day. He may not be able to manage both- the job when tired and give attention to you. He may genuinely want to see you, but if he is tired and gets frustrated, it could feel overwhelming.

[Grey Kitty]

At some point I become tired so I just kind of sit on one of the benches and play with my phone. I completely zoned out at this point because I was slightly tired and it was already 2 in the morning and then I smile at him and say some affectionate words and he doesn't respond. So I'm thinking that maybe he's busy doing whatever he was doing you can work on the electronics. But then 20 minutes later I try to talk to him again and he's completely unresponsive. And I asked him what's wrong. And he just Shrugged his shoulders. And then I asked him again and he just does not respond at all.

I liked notwendy's perspective that it is his job to use his words... .and that you have to accept that he isn't very good at it.

I'd add a couple comments about being upset and using your words... .or reasons not to:

First--if you are TOO upset, you cannot use your words well and carefully. Better to be silent than to blow up in a way you *KNOW* you are going to regret later. I've done both at various times; that was a hard-learned lesson for me. (And I'd note that it is much harder when you are already tired, hungry, or something.)

Second--He might not be upset about anything you did which was wrong, or anything you need to change or apologize for. In which case, he doesn't really owe you an explanation about it.

It would be vulnerable and open for him to share with you... .but perhaps he's not ready for that yet.

Anyhow... .whatever the reason... .nothing good comes of chasing him down and trying to pry it out of him; Going home and going to sleep was clearly the best thing for you to do. Maybe he'll share something about this with you later. Maybe he won't.

If it is important and recurring, whatever it was, he'll have more opportunities. Perhaps he will choose differently next time.

[jrharvey]

Everyone here will probably dismiss what I say but no putting up with silent treatment. Its a passive aggressive way of punishing someone and the only thing they want when doing this is for the other person to come begging to fix it. I wont do that anymore. I wont beg for forgiveness when I don't even know what the problem is. I had to tell my GF several times that if she is giving the silent treatment then she had better pack her stuff and get out of the house. The last time she did this I was very very serious. I wasn't joking. I was very serious that I didn't want her in my life anymore doing things like that. Its been months and she has not done it since.

[Notwendy]

I won't dismiss what you say. It's actually what I said in a different way. I have zero tolerance for it. However, the ST isn't a relationship deal breaker for me (if it was, I would consider saying so) , so I don't set the boundary of if you want to use the ST, then pack your bags. Mine was basically if you are going to use the ST, then I will go do something else- you can ST by yourself.

I know it is a passive aggressive antic, but for that to "work" there has to be someone it bothers. Well, it doesn't bother me anymore. I also haven't seen it happen in a long time, but perhaps it is also because I ignore it and don't beg, plead, or pursue.

[Jessica84]

This may also be a male/female thing rather than a BPD thing. My brother once shared this insight - Men deal with their issues internally, women externally. He told me just because a man is silent doesn't mean he is mad or trying to punish anyone. It's more likely he's either not thinking about anything at all, or trying to work something out in his head. And women (like his pesky little sister ) who ask "what's wrong" repeatedly can tend to cause a problem where there isn't one. He'll talk when he's ready. If there's a problem he's working out, it won't until he's resolved it. I don't know if this is true of all men, but it makes sense to me. We're all wired a bit differently.

[misuniadziubek]

This may also be a male/female thing rather than a BPD thing. My brother once shared this insight - Men deal with their issues internally, women externally. He told me just because a man is silent doesn't mean he is mad or trying to punish anyone. It's more likely he's either not thinking about anything at all, or trying to work something out in his head. And women (like his pesky little sister ) who ask "what's wrong" repeatedly can tend to cause a problem where there isn't one. He'll talk when he's ready. If there's a problem he's working out, it won't until he's resolved it. I don't know if this is true of all men, but it makes sense to me. We're all wired a bit differently.

I have no issue with my bf not talking. In fact I embrace it. We spend a lot of time being in each other's company in silence. This is why it took me over 30 or so minutes to realise it wasn't a positive silence. We have these private non verbal rituals that we do to check up on each other to measure closeness and to confirm that things are okay. If he's working on a problem, he will straight up tell me. In this case the first time I signaled to him and he failed to respond. I assumed he was concentrating so I let him be. But when again he didn't respond positively half an hour later, I became concerned. The same way that a week ago he became concerned when we were at his friends house at my lack of reaction and stopped everything to see if I was okay. Him not responding to my affection two times in a row insinuates that he has grief towards me, which he then did confirm.

Is this the first time you've experienced the ST?

Never like this before. His previous tactics were to get angry, lash out, and then tell me to leave and block me on social media since that's the only way can text each other. Refusing to talk about what is bothering him doesn't happen that often, but if it does it is a precursor to him exploding on me.

He didn't. He just ignored me and told me to go home. It's progress in some way?

We are adults now, and in the adult world, if someone wants to behave and communicate as an adult- we use our words. Whose responsibility is it to communicate his/her feelings? The person with the feelings. If your boyfriend is upset over something, then it is his responsibility to use his words to tell you.

The other side of this though - is choice. His feelings, his words- he can choose to tell you or not to tell you. This isn't something you have any control over. You can plead, beg ,soothe, but he isn't going to tell you what is going on with him until/unless he wants to. The only choice you have is what you will do about it.

I can leave it be. But the hardest part is not to get triggered by it. My father used silent treatment and withdrawal of affection as manipulation when I was a kid and I have not processed it well enough not to find it upsetting.

So for this scenario- as there could be a next time. If you are visiting him for the weekend-  you the ST- say very little. "Honey, If you are upset with me, I would want to know about it, so let me know if you need to talk. I think I will go to bed now ( or read my book, or take a shower). Love you. Give him a quick peck and then- go take some space for you.

I think this is appropriate advice because I've used this tactic hundreds of times.

Even if a customer isn't there, one could walk in at any time. Seeing employees acting silly with their SO would not make a good impression. Your BF needs his job and cares about his job performance. He also has a job to do and although he wants to see you, it may also frustrate him to have the distraction. He may not have known how to say this, but at some point- had enough of this. Some people prefer to work without distractions, so don't take this personally.

If you are visiting when he works the night shift- it may be better to give him space- visit briefly- then leave. It may also be better to not visit at all on those weekends. Most of us don't manage our feelings well when we are tired, and working the night shift disrupts sleep. He was likely tired at work, and then also needed to sleep the next day. He may not be able to manage both- the job when tired and give attention to you. He may genuinely want to see you, but if he is tired and gets frustrated, it could feel overwhelming.

This is a very mixed bag. For a year and a half i would visit him every single week and hang out at his job for the overnight shift because weekends were the only time I could hang out and he always was doing both Friday and Saturday overnight. I often helped him finish his workload and the owners liked me so much they offered to pay me under the table. There would be 2-3 hrs where no customers would come in. There wasn't any weekends he didn't work so I really had no choice. Eventually I changed jobs so I couldn't really keep up with his overnights and set a limit where I'd only spend 2-3 hours with him and then go to his house and sleep. This was hard and he fought it hand and foot saying that he liked my company and he wished I wanted to spend time with him. He actually does his own electronic fixing while he works at this store because there is so little to do for him.

Anyways. I think maybe the way he decided to deal with this wasn't very effective or helpful but it's actually a serious improvement from the earlier moments in our relationship. He recognized that he was annoyed and instead of putting all his efforts into making me feel like crap, he just asked for space, knowing well that in a few hours he'd crave to feel close and connected to me again. Everything that happened after i left was positive, even though he never used his words or expressed what happened. He might eventually tell me. Or he might not. Both are okay. Both are his choice. I did everything I was supposed to and our day together was still incredible and fun.

[misuniadziubek]

I liked notwendy's perspective that it is his job to use his words... .and that you have to accept that he isn't very good at it.

I'd add a couple comments about being upset and using your words... .or reasons not to:

First--if you are TOO upset, you cannot use your words well and carefully. Better to be silent than to blow up in a way you *KNOW* you are going to regret later. I've done both at various times; that was a hard-learned lesson for me. (And I'd note that it is much harder when you are already tired, hungry, or something.)

Second--He might not be upset about anything you did which was wrong, or anything you need to change or apologize for. In which case, he doesn't really owe you an explanation about it.

It would be vulnerable and open for him to share with you... .but perhaps he's not ready for that yet.

Anyhow... .whatever the reason... .nothing good comes of chasing him down and trying to pry it out of him; Going home and going to sleep was clearly the best thing for you to do. Maybe he'll share something about this with you later. Maybe he won't.

If it is important and recurring, whatever it was, he'll have more opportunities. Perhaps he will choose differently next time.

I agree with everything here, except that he did imply I did something.

Perhaps there was no clear winner nor loser here, but him not blowing up is significant progress and the day still turned around for us. He seems more comfortable with us giving each other space and he copes better with the distance. There's a lot less black and white and a lot more grey areas between us and that's huge too.

We did have one negative altercation. He was messing with me and threw my car keys where I couldn't reach them so in turn i got my revenge by unplugging his cellphone and leaving with it. Turns out he was doing something on the computer with it and I hadn't realised. It was petty of me but I was extremely frustrated. And I realised my error and I came back with it, apologizing profusely. He responded in anger and threw my cell phone across the room. I got upset and went to the bathroom to try to calm down. I managed to regain my composure and went in and said, "listen, I get that you were incredibly frustrated with me unplugging your stuff. That was incredibly petty and unfair of me and I promise you that I will never do that again, because I know exactly how badly that crosses a line but under no circumstances can you be disrespectful to my things in return. He goes, "well you did a really "$hitty" thing, so $hitty things happened."

I responded. "Yes, I did a really $hitty thing. I shouldn't have done that. I know that it made you feel incredibly angry and I absolutely own up to that. But again, it doesn't justify you destroying my things. My cellphone is really expensive and important to me and I can't afford to fix it or replace it if it breaks, so please don't ever do that again."

He shrugged and said okay. It didn't escalate further than that. Everything was okay. It was the most strangely successful resolution to something really charged.

[Notwendy]

It's hard to know what is going on with him or why the ST. Perhaps there will be a time when he can tell you what is going on, but then maybe not. For my H, he did it when he perceived somehow that I was rejecting him or withholding affection/sex on purpose- none of that which was actually the truth- he just assumed it. The ST was not an improvement- it was a punitive decision.

I think you have keyed in on something about the ST- it triggers you- as it was a way your father punished you. My BPD mother did this as well, and it terrified me as a kid. The message- "you have done something wrong and you better fix it- but you don't get to know what that is" is terrifying.

Our triggers are ours to work through. To me, in a mature relationship - if someone has something to discuss, it is up to them to let that be known. This idea of mind reading- "if you loved me you would know what I want- or what you did" is dysfunctional. It includes the idea that we can read minds. It is also self fulfilling- well see, she didn't know what I want- therefore she doesn't love me. Working on my own reactions to the ST really did free me from being triggered by it. It doesn't trigger me. I find it immature and annoying.

You can work on this part of it. Whether or not it is an improvement for your BF - your working on your trigger can help your part in this. So, he's at work and gives you the ST. You can stay calm- tell him goodnight- go get some sleep. That is a great thing you decided to do when you changed jobs- to realize you need to sleep and not stay up all night with him. That is taking care of you. He might like the company, but both of you are probably better off if at least one of you isn't tired. Your job matters to you as well and you need to be rested for it.