Mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, I am in my 50s, and am one of six 'children' - we are all adults now. Although, some of my siblings behavior is so arrested, that I hesitate to call them adults!
With such a spread of offspring my mother has manipulated and inveigled all of our lives. Now, at 87 she is worse than ever. I have read so much over the years and have coping mechanisms in place - but am now getting really upset at how messed up some of my siblings are. I am a 'rescuer'
Any helpful info would be gratefully received.

[TillyJ]

Hi, I am in my 50s, and am one of six 'children' - we are all adults now. Although, some of my siblings behavior is so arrested, that I hesitate to call them adults!
With such a spread of offspring my mother has manipulated and inveigled all of our lives. Now, at 87 she is worse than ever. I have read so much over the years and have coping mechanisms in place - but am now getting really upset at how messed up some of my siblings are. I am a 'rescuer'
Any helpful info would be gratefully received.

[drained1996]

Hi TillyJ,



I'm sorry to hear you've had to deal with this illness for a lifetime.  Many here know how difficult it is to deal with a parent for a lifetime of such circumstances.  It's good to hear you've put some coping mechanisms in place that you find useful.  This is a great place for knowledge, understanding and sharing.  To the right of this page you will find some lessons and a guide that can help you along your journey.  Also, at the top of this page you will see tools that will help with centering yourself, communicating, and setting boundaries. 
One thing many have learned here is that we cannot change our person with BPD (pwBPD), but we can change how we react to and communicate with them. 
I'll suggest you take specific time to look at setting boundaries and limits, as a rescuer you can find yourself giving too much, and not looking after yourself.  Doing that without knowing some boundaries and limits can certainly be draining... .and how can you rescue anyone if you find yourself worn thin?  Here is a link:
 https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/06.htm

Have you seen a therapist to help guide you through some of the issues you have had in your life with your family?  I know I found a professional of great help in my own journey.  You've found the right place!  We are here!   

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome TillyJ! 

Many of the members here are about your age, including me. I have often wondered at the timing that causes us to begin to figure out what is and has gone on in our lives now that our children are grown. I think that I finally began to see things more clearly and had more time and attention to focus on me. Perhaps you are in the same or a similar place? I'm glad you've joined us. There is a lot of information here to look at, and the resources Drained1996 mentioned are a great place to start.

I have read so much over the years and have coping mechanisms in place - but am now getting really upset at how messed up some of my siblings are. I am a 'rescuer'

Kudos to you for all the work you've already done!  Sounds like you've made some great choices, and you are wishing they would now too. The effects of a BPD upon her children are astonishing, causing chaos in lives, the inability to process or feel emotions, and basically in a nut shell, arrested development. Have you read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother or Surviving a Borderline Parent? The first is quite long and detailed, while the second is more about the effects upon us, the kids. If you've not read them, let me know and I will post the book reviews for you.

Do all of your siblings bother you with their inability to act like adults or just certain ones? Sometimes I look at my siblings and wonder that we had the same parents. They were each affected by our uBPDm, but since we each have a different personality, I see it playing out different in each of our lives.

Wools