Is she BPD?

[KarmasReal]

I know I'm posting a lot lately but in a rainy Sunday a week after my break up I haven't much else to do.

I've often struggled with the BPD diagnosis, not that I don't believe it or anything like that, it's more I'm worried I'm trying to diagnose my ex with it to explain her awful behavior. Or sometimes I feel like blaming it on BPD protects me from thinking she really just didn't care about me at all. Or she just used me, if it's a disorder then it had to happen that way, there was no stopping it.

Anyway I wanted to describe a little bit about my ex and some of her behaviors and see if you, and yes I know it's only your opinion, agree that my ex probably suffers from BPD. Call it expert opinion, since most or all of you have dealt with BPD's.

I'll start from her beginnings. Her mother and father never married, he cheated on her then left when she was 3. Her grandmother had some personality disorder possibly BPD, I know this from the crazy stories, never met her though. Her mother never remarried and is the I don't need a man, and enabler to my ex. Her uncles are both drug addicts and have been to prison. Her cousin dropped out of high school, has no job, and smokes weed, her other cousin has been married and divorced a couple of times and attempted suicide. That's the family history.

At age 16 or so she was in an extremely abusive relationship with a guy, there was torture, physical and sexual abuse etc. She also claims to be bisexual and has had relationships with girls. She is very deviant sexually has had many partners, many taboo things, and has basically slept with like everyone she knows co workers, friends, friends of friends, family of friends, it just goes on and on.

Relationship history, she was with her college boyfriend 8 months broke up for 6 then back together 8 more. He was a drug addict and dealer and 4 years older, they had a child together, apparently he didn't want that so he wasn't in the picture. I'm pretty sure she cheated on him but said it was all in his head because of the drugs. Next guy married him after 6 months, were married five years until divorcing in 2014 when I met her. I know they separated at least twice, she said she never was with anyone during that but I doubt it. Said he was constantly cheating on her, probably trying to find a way away from her. He finally threw her out when she cheated on him with some guy.

In the time I've known her she has drank all the time, alcoholic, because she drinks almost everyday and to an over intoxication level at least 4 or 5 days. She has shoplifted multiple times that was a new one I found out. She admitted it and one time I stopped her from doing it she got mad said that was going to make her feel better and now it was gone. She's cheated on me physically once and emotionally once, that's just what I know about, she's physically punched me a couple of times, she done things to cause or outright broken up with me 4 times, she says she hates all men, she has no self worth that I've noticed needing all kinds of validation but especially from other people. She lets her kids of two different fathers watch inappropriate things, curses in front of them, and talks about adult things in front of them. She's on anti depressants anti anxiety, she goes through depression stages and manic stages. She engaged in risky sex with me, public stuff, other things almost degrading sex. It bothered me, she once told me she didn't view herself as anything but a sexual object. And all evidence proves she believes that, and at 31 the behavior is still going strong.

Sorry for the long post I'm sure I left some stuff out but what do you think? Bpd?

[KarmasReal]

Also she is pretty intelligent but doesn't seem to have common or relationship sense, doesn't thing about the future or consequences, has only held meanial jobs, barely makes enough money to get by on not even sure if she actually makes enough money to get by on. Never appreciates things, could be considered a user, oh and she also has bulemia sometimes, and goes through major weight fluctuations 40 plus pounds.

[rfriesen]

What you describe is an unstable family history and a history of volatile relationships and risky behaviours on the part of your ex. Certainly consistent with BPD, but even a qualified therapist couldn't make a diagnose based only on your description. And I'm not sure anyone here is a qualified therapist in any case.

(If you are interested, you can find more information on the diagnostic criteria here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder)

So why do we want to know whether it's "really" BPD or not? I think it gives us something to hold onto in making sense of the situation. It lets us know that the craziness isn't all in our heads. And that can be incredibly helpful, because the situation might be really confusing, especially when we're deeply enmeshed but also sense that we need to detach in order to regain our emotional and physical well-being. We're torn in different directions and that can make us question whether we're really seeing the situation clearly? Maybe the relationship isn't as difficult or troubled as we sometimes imagine? Or maybe someone can confirm that it is BPD and everything will fall into place?

All that said, what will the BPD label do for you in this situation? You have given a list of your ex's behaviours, at least some of which seem problematic for you having a healthy and happy relationship with her. I know you're still torn as to whether you hope for a reconciliation. That's normal given how fresh everything still is. A real hard question now is whether you want to detach and, if so, what steps you're ready to take to begin. You don't have to have any clear answers at this point. But you can start to focus in on that question a little more. So the immediate question arising out of this post is -- how would an "official" diagnosis of BPD help you gain clarity on what you want to do going forward? Would it give you greater certainty one way or another?

[Hisaccount]

The BPD diagnosis doesn't really matter.
If she is willing to seek help then she needs to see someone who can diagnose her.
If she is not willing to seek help this is a good place to learn communication skills BPD or not.

For me, my counselor suggested I look into Bi-polar. When I came across BPD it was like people were writing stories exactly taken from my life. It could not be more exact. My ex will not seek help ever so it doesn't matter.

As time passes I tend to forget the bad as much as remembering the good.
BPD or not doesn't matter, if you can relate to what people are talking about then you are in the right place.

[nylonsquid]

Hi again Karma,

I'm no professional therapist but I've had therapists and man... I can't say they have answers. But let me tell you, if BPD is a thing, and it has these cluster of symptoms and characteristics then your gf has them. Giving the label BPD for you is a way to compartmentalize and understand what is happening. A bit like when you don't understand something you try to nail it down by giving it a name or label so you can begin to tackle it. One thing you have to accept more than the label is that whatever she is doing that causes you pain is integrated with her personality. Meaning that you accept the good things about her but don't accept the bad. Assigning her "bad" behaviours to BPD I believe excuses her behaviours. This person was only able to cope with reality because of their pain from childhood. Their way of mirroring you, loving you, falling for you and being consumed with you is all coping mechanisms to achieve integration or attachment with someone else (you). Once that is achieved then the pain/wounds start showing its face and the twisting of the reality you were given begins. Their perception changes and you no longer fit the description of saviour from abuse. You now turn into the close person they had as a child that "abused" them. The abuse can take form in many ways, one being abandonment.

For me, I figured if I really loved someone then I'd love them for who they are and all of them. Yes, that includes lying and cheating. Its just a behavior that I don't put up with because of my boundaries. But, these people suffer from childhood trauma and them presenting themselves in the way they do is their coping way.

I know its difficult to come to terms with the sided coin. How can you have both sides of it? Only if you let the coin spin fast enough for you to fully see the person.

Good luck! I feel for you

[Julia S]

Obviously damaged, a diagnosis would probably give several disorders, depending on how she appeared at assessment. I suspect any formal diagnosis would focus on things for which there is fairly standard treatment, such as the alcoholism, and maybe list things such as PTSD following the sexual abuse, and possibly emotional dysregulation - the BPD part - or similar attachment disorder. Plus, there does sound to be a very strong family history of addiction and mood swings and impulsive or depressive behaviour.

The trouble with someone like this is you get that you don’t know what you can believe, and whether things they’ve told you are deliberate lies or their distorted view of their world. It isn’t clear which side of the family the dysfunctional uncles and cousins are, but if they’re the mother’s side I’d question her MH and why the father left.

Sadly, with a background like that you don’t stand much chance of mental stability or normality. Give yourself a pat on the back for giving her as close as she could get to 5 normal years. And be grateful that unlike her you can heal and move on.