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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Detaching and missing the idea of ex  (Read 480 times)
KarmasReal
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 171


« on: December 12, 2016, 07:40:27 AM »

As I sit hit here at work and I think something comes to me. There's is one thing that prevents me from fully detaching. Most normal people would have no trouble detaching after the things she has done. My problem is I seem to be able to somehow feel better in the hell with my ex BPD rather then out of hell and alone.

There is something about being alone that just keeps me constantly sad or depressed. I don't really look forward to much of anything because I feel like what's the point of anything if I can't share it and share love with someone. Even in the hell of a BPD relationship I looked forward to the good parts, I dreaded the bad though. But I could look forward to that text from her or Coming home and talking about my day, or looking forward to just laying on the couch with her and watching tv. Now that's all gone. If I didn't feel this way I would be in a constant celebration to escape someone who has hurt me so much.

Does anyone have any ideas about how to achieve this?
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mitatsu
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 209


« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2016, 07:49:07 AM »

i found the fact that even though i was with my ex physically, mentally i was alone 99% of the time and after multiple recycles i was never going to find happiness and companionship in such a dis-ordered relationship

i decided that i'm happy with myself and if the right person comes along to share that happiness fine but never will i be party to someones tantrums lies and false life

be strong it all comes good in the end but you have to start the journey   
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SoMadSoSad
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 375


« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2016, 09:40:58 AM »

Have you tried working on co dependency with a Therapist
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Swhitey
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ex Girlfrind
Posts: 78



« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2016, 10:02:37 AM »

I'm soory to hear that you are suffering this pain of loss.

I am curious to know... .what do you benefit from by suffering in the relationship? Are you prone to wanting to "rescue" someone to feel that you are loved?

I ask only because these are some of the questions I ask myself lately, having just left a relationship with a partner that, in my opinion suffers from a boarderline structure. The want to go back to that idealization phase of the relationship is intoxicating and can lure back most people, only to endure more suffering trying to obtain that feeling again. I have to treat it like an addiction, much the same way an alcoholic removes themselves from going to the bar, even if it is just to hang out. The temptations would be too much and the cycle will likely continue.

I wish I had more to offer but I think with some hard looks in the mirror and resolve to change some behaviors about yourself that are preventing you from growing to have a mature relationship built on mutual respect, kindness, empathy and compassion. You can't fix/save her, you can only fix/save yourself. I believe you will be able to. I hope you have access to a therapist as that would be a great support for you as well as being active on this board. I know it is really helping me Smiling (click to insert in post)
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fromheeltoheal
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #4 on: December 12, 2016, 10:20:46 AM »

Hi Karma-

Does anyone have any ideas about how to achieve this?

Well, the title of your post is a good start: is it possible for you to separate your ex from your idea of her?  If you can do that then you can become aware that it's not her you're missing, it's the feelings you got when you were with her, some of the time, and a solution can be to find ways to create those feelings within yourself, by yourself, as well as use the experience of the relationship to learn and discover new ways to create those feelings sustainably with other people.  Plus, consider the idea that being alone and being lonely are two different things.
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Zinnia21
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 109


« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2016, 07:19:59 PM »

I feel sometimes like true detachment from my exBPD has stared me right in the face many times. It's the one thing we know we need to finally find peace, yet sometimes when it seems like it's truly just around the corner, I have found it frightening! Despite it being the answer to all of this!

For me I'd even say I've taken tiny steps towards being more comfortable with it. Whilst still in the r/s, it was a very very distant hazy light, beckoning me from afar. After it all ended, I could see that light clearer, but it hurt to approach it head on. I think as nons, we are forced suddenly or harshly into breakups after a BPD relationship. So detachment is not so easy to get to when you need to catch up to it, and chase it... .when you still live with the feeling of love you have for the person, yet are forced, for your own sanity, to detach. It's been one of the hardest things for me to face in my life. This concept makes it much harder than other 'normal' breakups.

So many of those lonely times you speak of, I've wanted to just call him up and say, what are we doing? We should be together right now! I just wanted to see him, and every other thing I did felt hollow, like a gap filler.

But to my surprise (and I NEVER thought I would say this), the gap fillers are becoming my actual life. My friends, the dates I've been on:), time with my son, time at the gym, time out dancing or seeing music, it's all slowly become my life, so much so, that if he walked back in now, I'm not sure where I'd fit him in! Still miss him at times, but if you just keep trucking on, fill in the gaps bit by bit, (as much as it hurts to do it when you are missing them), it's like a jigsaw puzzle. You can't see it coming together at the time, but piece by piece, every step you take creates a whole picture. And I'm now living in that picture, more happily and easily without him than I thought I could.
 But it has been a series of events, outings, conversations with friends and strangers! hours staring and thinking... ! Some chats with the psychologist! I'm not fully there yet, but much closer.
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lovenature
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2016, 12:53:17 AM »

Try listing all of the positive vs. the negative of the relationship; the longer you stay and the harder you try to make it work, the worse it gets.

Figure out why you accepted what you did and stayed as long as you did. Once we learn why we lack self esteem and self respect, we can fix it so we are content with being alone, and can welcome an emotionally healthy mature partner to share our life with-someone who reciprocates the love we give.

The further out you get, the clearer things become.
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