Profound Sadness over the Weekend

[Hisaccount]

I spent most of the weekend in profound sadness, I wanted to kill myself so badly.

I keep trying to put things into perspective and it just doesn't matter. Even though I know the logic is right the feeling is wrong.

They talk how they make us feel like they are our soul mate. A feeling that deep is tough, I know I never let anyone in that deep before, never would have dreamed of it. So it was so awesome when it happened.
But reality is, out of 13 years I probably spent the last 11 trying to get that person back she was in the beginning and it isn't going to happen.
It is obvious that it has been over a long time for me, but that doesn't change how deeply she got in to begin with.

So many people here have the same problems, the wounds are so deep.

I hated my marriage, I was so mad at her so often. I was doing everything and still it wasn't enough and it wasn't right.

So why is it so hard on us? Nobody should be treated that way.
The feeling of abandonment is tough, or is it  the loss of a soulmate? or what is it that makes this so hard?

I thought It was all codependency on my part, but it has to be more. It has to be fear or something. I wish I knew how to pin it down and say this is it.

I have been considering anti depressants, but with the thoughts of suicide would it be a good idea?
Everyone tells me don't do it, you will be stronger if you don't.
Have to say, most days I don't care. I just want to survive.

Have we become BPD people?
I took a psych test the other day and I was shocked at the results.

[Broken88]

-Hisaccount

I tried to do a short quote from your post... But i could relate to most of them... So yeah i didn't want to quote all of it...

The loss of a soulmate, feeling of abandonment, in my case rejection and jealousy is a big trigger ( she found someone new while we were still dating ). And i really feel with you, everyday i also try to survive... Don't really care about anything...

I don't think anti depressants will do anything for you, if you can survive without, it is the better option...

I too hated my r/s (almost got married tho). And wanted to leave on numerous occasions, and it tried to leave also... She wouldn't let me... but as soon as devaluation took place, she tried to get away... And that triggered me so i wanted her to stay...

Now i am just broken, like you... Life seems meaningless... I wish i had something to cheer you up... But nothing will help here, except HARD work on yourself, and time to heal from her. But it is always difficult to remove her completely from our lives, especially if your were married...

all the best

-broken 

[Mutt]

Hi Hisaccount,

I have been considering anti depressants, but with the thoughts of suicide would it be a good idea?

I'm sorry. I can relate with considering taking my own life shortly after my ex left, the house was emptied, the kids were gone too and I felt really busted up, I had gone through some difficult things in life but this was something else.

It's a good idea Hisaccount, i'd suggest talking to your MD or GP about depression, I take antidepressants and it's made a huge difference with my quality of life, my brain doesn't produce enough serotonin, I can't control that, I need anti-depressants.

What do you mean that you let her in deep? Do you mean that the pain is deep or intimacy?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hisaccount :

I have been considering anti depressants, but with the thoughts of suicide would it be a good idea?  Everyone tells me don't do it, you will be stronger if you don't. Have to say, most days I don't care. I just want to survive.

Would you "tough out" high BP, heart disease, or other physical conditions?  :)epression isn't much different.  Some people might have the experience of resolving a short-term depression, without any meds.  The situation and cause can vary from individual to individual, so just because someone was successful, doesn't mean that it can work for you. I think it takes a degree of strength to recognize you need professional help with something and to get it.  If something isn't working, you have to move on to try something new.

Antidepressants can take approx. a month to kick in, so they aren't an overnight cure.  The advantage they can give, is to kick start a recovery.  The holidays and the dreary seasons of Fall and Winter, can pose challenges even for those in good relationships.  Many people with a situational depression, use antidepressants as a tool to start a recovery.  They are subsequently successful in easing off the meds.  Just because you use them for a period of time for a situational depression, doesn't mean you have to stay on them.

Is it possible for you to seek some counseling?  Interacting on this website is helpful, but adding your own therapist can give things a boost.

Don't hesitate to reach out for help.  Here are some resources to consider:

TEXT CRISIS LINE
www.crisistextline.org/how-it-works/

SUICIDE LIFELINE
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/#

PANIC LIST FOR DISTRESS TOLERANCE
   www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html

I spent most of the weekend in profound sadness, I wanted to kill myself so badly.

I hated my marriage, I was so mad at her so often. I was doing everything and still it wasn't enough and it wasn't right. So why is it so hard on us? Nobody should be treated that way.
The feeling of abandonment is tough, or is it  the loss of a soulmate? or what is it that makes this so hard?

I thought It was all codependency on my part, but it has to be more. It has to be fear or something. I wish I knew how to pin it down and say this is it. Have we become BPD people? I took a psych test the other day and I was shocked at the results.

Soulmates are a myth.  There is no "one" person meant for us.  I'm thinking if there were such a thing as a Soulmate, they would support us in every way (not display BPD behaviors).

Some people might get addicted to the times when their BPD partner idealizes them.  There can be a wide swing between the good times and the bad times.  A normal relationship might seem dull in comparison.  Many people can evolve to realize that it is more valuable to have a reliable partner who has stable behavior.  Someone to support them through life's trials and be there for both the good and the bad times and work as a team.

Change can be stressful. I can understand that the thought of finding a new partner can seem overwhelming.   I've read success stories here, where people have moved past their grief and successfully moved into a new healthy relationship.  There are so many possibilities.  Feelings of hopelessness and sadness, can turn into hope and joy.

[Swhitey]

Hisaccount, I am so sorry to hear how sad you are, I am happy to hear that you are still here and I believe there is still great hope for you to find the happiness you long for.

I would highly doubt that you have BPD, although it may feel like it sometimes because I have thought the same about myself as I feel I have been driven completely by my emotions a lot of the times I interacted or thought of my uBPD ex-partner.

I agree with you that feeling of being the greatest person, a soulmate, or the idea that the universe kept her safe until she met you because no one has been able to appreciate her and all have abandonded her until she met you felling is more addicting than any drug on the market. remembering that feeling and hoping for it's return, knowing that it will never come back is like mourning the death of a loved one.

I have read many of your posts and and can see you are bright and intelligent and have provided very compassionate resposes to others who have posted here. Please try you best to turn that compassion inward and give yourself that love and care for now, because you deserve that goodness.

I am not a doctor/psychologist by any means, far from it (i'm an artist ) but I take a small dose of Paxil (SSRI) to balance out my seratonin levels which during long stretches of stress' and/or depression can go out of balance and stay that way if left untreated. It maybe temporary and the chemical balance, once replenished, may function again as normal and one could taper off (under doctor's supervison of course) Do your reasearch and discuss it with your doctor as it is a commitment to yourself to follow through with taking the meds everyday. It is not a decision to be taken lightly, but the benefits can out-weigh the costs in my opinion. I emplore you to seek professional guidence during this time if you are able to, and keep posting and reach out wherever you can!

Thank you for the support you shown me in my posts, I'm rooting for you, friend!

[CooperD]

Hisaccount - so sorry to read your post and I feel in a very similar situation to you.  This forum has been my only outlet and so I hope you can also find some strength and comfort in the support on here.

Within days of my BPD dropping divorce on me I knew I needed some kind of medical help - I couldnt take any medication due to potential work implications - but just being able to talk to a mental health professional helped.  Is it worth seeing someone even if just to talk through how you feel right now ?

What you describe in terms of never being able to do enough and your supposed soultmate abandonding you is EXACTLY what I was on the end of.

The relationship with my BPD wife was pushing me towards suicide (we were married  September 2015), I has suicide notes written, a date and a plan.  I broke down in august at a friends wedding in front of two of my other friends and told them I wanted to die and they said to me "you need to get her out of your life - she has a spell over you".

I am still here - a whole lot has happened since - including her hitting me with divorce papers and severing all contact - but I am still alive.

Part of me does not want to hurt myself because I do not want her to have the satisfaction and nor do I want her to be able to present herself as the victim - the widow of an ex-husband that killed himself. 

Not sure if an approach like that would help you but wanted to share it as it helped and is helping  me.  When i think about my life ending to stop the pain im experiening I think of her and how it would just play into her narrative of her as the innocent victim. 

I wish you well and keep fighting

[Hisaccount]

Thread got split, Sorry, I didn't mean to derail someone's post.

I just left the doctor. Prescription of anti depressants for one week. So that is a start, I know it takes time for them to kick in.

So why now? Well because this is what you get with a BPD.
My ex called this morning on her way back from Vegas, at first I didn't answer then she said she needed to talk, I finally said okay.

Her parents are coming into town on the 27th for a week to help her sort and move out.
Now this is a change because at first she took what she wanted and left and she was done. Now she is coming back to take more because the divorce is not final. Not only is she taking more she is wanting me to have to make decisions on stuff that I am not ready to make so I have no excuse to keep from selling the house sooner.

So now, not only am I losing more stuff I am going to be homeless soon unless of course I choose to fight which I cannot afford, and when I say that, I don't mean financially.

I don't know how to survive this. With everything she takes another piece of me will go.
In the end it will speed up healing I hope, but will there be anything left that is worth healing?

I of course broke down and told her that I could make all of her dreams come true if she wanted to work on this with me. She is beyond that though. Absolutely could not handle me saying she gave up on me. (she filed divorce) Instead turned it around and said how I had given up on her for the last 10 years.

Person with BPD= No happy ending for you.
Look at what they make you give.

There is no logic in the broken mind. No reason, only their wants and desires at the cost of anything but themselves.

[Mutt]

Hi Hisaccount,

I'm glad to hear that you went to see the Dr 

Her parents are coming into town on the 27th for a week to help her sort and move out.
Now this is a change because at first she took what she wanted and left and she was done. Now she is coming back to take more because the divorce is not final. Not only is she taking more she is wanting me to have to make decisions on stuff that I am not ready to make so I have no excuse to keep from selling the house sooner.

Are you saying that she wants to sell the house on week of the 27th?

[Hisaccount]

No, our agreement was that I don't have to sell or refinance until 2020. When the last kid will be out.
She is of course a lawyer, with a bunch of man hating lawyer friends. So rules don't apply to them.

Now she is saying she wants me to get it listed right away. Contingent on me finding a house of course, but she thinks she can get all of her stuff sorted and moved out the week of the 27th, with the help of her parents.

It is not possible, because she is a hoarder. There are boxes I helped her put into storage in 2005 that have not been opened. They are nasty too, some have food, mice, roaches, bills, trash, unopened mail, and keepsakes.
That is her life, it always has been, she throws it in a box, when it is full she starts a new one.
For years I have tried to get her to go through even one box and when she does it she complains about being sick and can't do it, or I am being mean by making her sort it.
So it will be interesting to see her resolve. Her hate for me is her new found friend, maybe now she can "fix" her life.

I still have some room with arguing about selling the house but the window is closing. I mean she is right, she has a right to it, but because of her I had to file bankruptcy and I cannot get enough of a loan to refinance it and buy her out.
She also needs vehicle storage for awhile and help getting them running and sold. (she has bought a lot of vehicles)
In her mind by selling the house she has enough money to move them to a Friends house 1200 miles away.
I can also make the battle so costly that it would not be in her interest to keep fighting for the house money. But that plays a toll on me too.

[Mutt]

I can also make the battle so costly that it would not be in her interest to keep fighting for the house money. But that plays a toll on me too.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It also keeps an attachment there between the both of you if you drag it out. What type of L is she? Does she specialize in real estate?  If it's sold are you getting half? Maybe you can put a down payment down on a new one. You can get a free consultation over the phone with a L, I'd suggest to talk to several, have you made a call to a L?

[Hisaccount]

Thing is, I trust her. I know I shouldn't but I do.
It is because she is already fighting her man hating lawyer friends to try and be nice to me. I don't know why.
Her parents love me and they tend to keep her in check.

She is a tax specialist and very good at it.
Money will not be a problem for her much longer.

I talk to her about the TV and she says she will leave it if I want. But will she?
I guess we will find out on the 27th.

Maybe that is it, maybe I need to have her take everything and I will want to sell and maybe then I can finally be mad at her.

[Mutt]

Hi Hisaccount,

It is because she is already fighting her man hating lawyer friends to try and be nice to me. I don't know why.

A pwBPD will cast themselves in the role of victim and sometimes rescuer, seldom persecutor. You'll find that in the book  Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT It's a good book that explains the dynamics and family roles in first person perspective of the non disordered partner / family member. The books I have read mostly come from the perspective of a pwBPD. You, your ex and her lawyer friends makes three points a long a triangle you can also find that in this article
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle She's in the role of rescuer and rescuing you for some reason, it's probably something to do with her lawyer friends regarding you, that's why she's being nice.

[Hisaccount]

Reading about the triangle is very interesting.

Well to update. I am started on anti depressants. I think it is making a difference. I already see some side effects.
None the less I don't know what to blame on the ex or anti depressants.

We talked on the phone for a couple hours last night. Actually connecting as friends again.
Been texting and emailing all day.
Things were going okay, we were talking about asset division. Couple bumps but for the most part it went well.
She is pressuring me to sell the house. Which she originally was not going to do.
So I started shopping houses today thinking about maybe a clean break would help.
I couldn't do it. I broke down. All I could do is think why is she doing this to me?
Started feeling sorry for myself and spiraling downward again.
Not sure what tomorrow holds. It has to be better than today right?

[Mutt]

She's rescuing you, it's not a bad sign, you're not split black, if you were you'd be persecutor. That being said, why is she squeezing you to sell the house? Take it one day at a time, take it one hour at a time if you have to.

[Hisaccount]

This is part of her broken mind.
Her business is failing. She says she cannot function because of me. I am a horrible husband. She cannot stand to be in the same house as me.
She says she wants to die everyday and needs to move out asap. So we started selling assets so she could move on.
Assets are running out and not producing enough cash flow so now she is pushing me to sell the house.
Says I can stay as long as I need but then says it is stupid for me to stay in the house and lists 100 reasons.
She needs the cash to survive. Not sure what she will do after that but that is her last tie to me and I wouldn't mind breaking it but I love the house. I don't think I will be able to ever have anything that nice again.

I think I am split white. She is nice and when things get out of hand we talk it out to a point. She wants to be friends but she never wants to date me again.

The stress of her business is what killed our relationship. First the office wasn't nice enough so I spent all my time there working on it, then it wasn't getting done fast enough, then it was her partner's fault then it was the location and now it is me.
I didn't see it coming.
I should have.

[Mutt]

What do you mean by you didn't see it coming?

[Hisaccount]

My ex is an un diagnosed BPD. It was only after she filed I found out  while going through counseling for myself. Since she had already filed there is no way she will listen to me. I tried to get her to counseling she refuses, her parents are trying and she refuses.

In all the time I have known her I have seen her patterns of behavior and were able to predict them. Curb them, soften them.
For example, She had never held a job over a year. They all started out as the best place ever to work, all excited, within a year it was the worst place ever to work and she walked out. So I helped her start her own business thinking that the only way she could ever have a career or be successful was to own her business. To be top dog.
I had no idea that I could be painted black, or white, or discarded. I always thought we had that core belief that together we could make it work, fix it.
So I didn't see her blaming me or dumping me, I had no idea that was coming.

There is nothing I can do be feel bad that I couldn't do more to save her from herself.
I say if I had only known about BPD a year ago, but a year ago we were doing great. 6 months ago we were doing great.

With all the battles, she still is the most amazing person I have ever met.

[Mutt]

I understand. I could have written the same words.

We're not Dr's, how are we supposed to detect something as complicated as a personality disorder?  :)on't be hard on yourself. You cared deeply about her, you're in the right place, many of us had similar experiences and feelings. It helps to talk about her.  

[Hisaccount]

I wanted to update this thread because people can see how bad off I was and relate it to where I am now.

I started anti depressants a 11 days ago. Today I woke up angry at my ex and in a good mood. First time in months I have been this spirited.
With the meds I have also gone to light contact. Meaning I am no longer taking her calls, just doing business over email and text.

She called 4 days ago needing help hanging drywall in her new place. I went and worked for a couple hours. Not sure my motivations were pure, but I did it. I actually started to see some of her flaws for once. I can also see her regretting what she is doing. That was nice.

So the meds, the anti depressants, I wanted to talk about that for those who question it as I have. I am not seeing the full effects yet I'm sure. I did have some drowsiness and upset stomach for a week, which didn't feel much different than before I started taking them.

Thing that crossed my mind though, they take away the peaks. Upside is the lows are not as low, downside is the highs are not as high. Then I realized, when was the last time I had a high? When was the last time I was happy?
Anything was better than the lows. And that is where I am, the lows are not as low, I can function again. Still not a lot of hope for the future, but I think once she finally moves all her stuff out I can start looking ahead again.

My only goal is to heal enough to prevent myself from caving when she comes back for the recycle which I think I am already starting to see her work towards.

I am sure there are plenty of bad days ahead yet, but at least I haven't wanted to kill myself for a while.

[Mutt]

Give the antidepressants a month to 6 weeks to take full effect.

[Meili]

I'm glad to hear that the meds are helping with the lows. As the fog begins to lift a bit more, the future will probably start to look a lot brighter. It's often really difficult to see that as a possibility when all of the emotions are still raw and fresh. Things take time... .