Bpd denial

[Shano]

I knew nothing about BPD until about 1yr ago when my psychologist suggested my wife suffers from it. I would usually be a bit sceptical about him diagnosing her without seeing her but I know that he also sees my eldest stepdaughter who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks and shows traits of BPD also. He has briefly met my wife at one of my stepdaughters appointments. He is treating me for mild depression brought on by relationship problems with my estranged children X 3 [under repair and making good progress) and the problems with my marriage.
In the last few weeks I have told my wife I refuse to walk on eggshells anymore and put up with her irrational anger displays which can turn physical. I have asked her to explain how she can go to sleep on a Saturday night completely happy after a great day out and wake up Sunday in a rage accusing me of neglecting her and not cooking her breakfast properly. It is now 4 weeks since this event (my line in the sand) and she still can't give me an answer. I am now in contact with 2.of my children after 2 years and intended to have Xmas breakfast with them and Lunch with my wife and stepchildren. But she has decided it's her of my kids but can't be both and she booked a restaurant for herself and her children. Bad luck for me. I note these recent examples as they are typical of the last 12 of the 15 yrs we have been together.
Until recently I was convinced I was the problem accused constantly of being passive aggressive (I don't like confrontation and will leave if it starts to get out of control) I have tried several marriage counsellors 3 of them said they couldn't help us after the usual download about how bad I am and how I have treated her. When it's my say she has stormed off so I feel impotent in front of the counsellors.
She has now told me we are separated and I should move out of the family home. I refuse and have moved into the spare bedroom which I enjoy because I'm not woken up with an argument or the "so where are we with our relationship" question" which is the precursor for an argument. My rationale is I've done nothing wrong, I gave up alcohol for her 5 yrs ago. Haven't had an affair, pay the bills, support and have helped raise her children, bought a house without financial help from her. She refuses to work even though she's only 53 and basically treats me as a targeted whipping boy.
As you can tell I feel trapped, can't afford to divorce but can't continue the way things are. My psychologist believes I need to get away from her for my mental health but I have retired from work so makes that very difficult financially for me but would be beneficial for her.

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[drained1996]

Hi Shano!



I can certainly empathize with your situation as it was very similar to my relationship with my exBPDw.  It's tough to be made to feel as if what you do is never enough and anything that is wrong is our fault. 
The first thing to understand is that we cannot change them, however, we can change and control how we react to and communicate with them.  It takes some practice and self-centering, but it certainly can help.  To the right of this page there are tools and lessons to help guide you down this path.  When reading these helpful things, I think you'll be able to look back and see... .not where you have been wrong... .but where you could've taken a different approach.  Be compassionate with yourself during this time... .having a loved one with traits of BPD can be very mentally, emotionally and physically draining.  Many here have been or are in the exact circumstances life is throwing your way.  We understand! 
Have you read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells? 
Keep posting!  We are here!   

[Shano]

Hi
Thanks for the reply.i am reading as much information as I can at the moment including Walking on eggshells.
I will also read the suggested articles.
Thank you,
Shano

[drained1996]

That's what we're here for Shano!  Keep us updated, and always feel free to post any thoughts, feelings or questions anytime!  I found sharing to be quite therapeutic, I also found the more I shared the more I got in return!