Who am I?

[yoyo1221]

Hi everyone.  Let me first start by saying this forum has helped me tremendously understand my situation and the emotions I am going through.  When I truly felt alone, this site, as well as others, have given me comfort.  I very much thank the community for this.

This is my first time posting a thread.  I posted some comments a few days ago but were deleted due to too many hyperlinks (my fault).  Anyways, here’s my story.  I’m writing this because it’s helping me cope, and to help others as well with their struggle.

I am currently doing NC with my BPD wife of 6 years (no children).  Tried to end it many times but always went back.  Almost truly divorced 1 year ago, but went back.  This time, I truly believe in my heart that it is over and I need to move on, or myself as an individual will wither away completely.

When I first met my wife, I was naive.  I was doing well mentally.  I had many friends, was confident, optimistic and positive.  I guess I was a bit selfish in saying I thought everyone viewed the world like me.  I am a very feel type of person, I love nature and animals, I generally thought people were good and didn’t know of personality disorders. I very much enjoyed spending time with friends and also spending time alone.  I figured out that this is called an empath.  I was single when I first met my wife.  The last relationship I had was 2 years before meeting my wife.  My last gf was a very good person, and the relationship ended mutually with no complications.  I was subconsiously bored with the relationship and my last gf felt it.  So, when I became single, I partied all the time, made MANY friends and was having a great time.  But I was always a bit empty inside.  I felt all the partying can fill the void but it didn’t. I believe I truly desired an emotional connection with someone.  I met many women during this time and had many chances to close the deal but didn’t want to.  Until I met my wife.  Man she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen, and also very soft spoken.  She seemed a little damaged.  I have never been with someone like this before and some overwhelming emotions which I forgot had started surfacing.  I felt alive and was willing to give up friendships and everything that I knew for this feeling.  But when the honeymoon phase was over, I started seeing some strange behavior.  Some things that I would have never thought she would say.  Many times I was speechless, shocked, and hurt.  Any attempts to try to have her see things rationally further fueled her rage. Once my energy and well-being were completely broken down, she would pull me back.  And of course many times, I went back to her with arms wide open.  I think the important thing we truly need to understand is, why do some of us stay for so long?  We know what we have to do, but why is it so hard to hurt this person?  What kind of person am I?  I feel I can truly let go once I started understanding these questions.

I never worked on myself before.  I never really thought I had to or that was something strong people did.  I wanted to think I was strong mentally.  I can say I wasn’t very happy during my childhood.  I can still feel the negative feelings.  I was constantly hyper-vigilant due to my mother who had narcissistic traits.  I was always scanning her mood to see what kind of day today was.  If I was going to get hit or not.   I was emotionally and physically abused.  My father wasn’t around (lived in another country) enough so my older brother and I were raised by my mother.  I was constantly raised by FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).  My older brother didn’t deal with my moms problems so she would often come to me for comfort.  My boundaries were never respected.  Even if I cried out, tried to fight, they made sure I was below them and my needs were not real or important.  Doing the things I did for her, I felt that I truly loved her... no matter how hard it was.  At some points, I hated my empathy.  I hated feeling for others… The only thing that was saving me was my good friends.  I was lucky to still be social during this.  I craved it so much.  Whenever I was with friends, I truly felt like myself and relaxed.  I knew that this feeling can last so for college, I moved to another country.  I had the time of my life and I finally felt free.  For the first time in my life, I didn’t have to keep scanning or worrying.  I had privacy and I just felt so much better being away from that environment.  I never worked on these issues.  I now know they have wounded me to the core.  And knowing this, I can start working on fixing it.

I never left my wife because of the many tactics that were used.  Mainly FOG (Fear, obligation, guilt).  I now know that.  This was so hot-wired into me by my mother that for some reason, I thought this was love.  I thought maybe I was wrong and started questioning myself.  That the emotionally rollercoaster rides, no matter how painful they were, felt nostalgic.  I didn’t know it at that time at all.  I did not want to fight and really wanted to help her.  I thought after all our troubles, we would learn from them and adapt.  I thought if I did this better or changed this, etc, things would improve.  My real side kept living with hope thinking real love can change her.  That kind of thinking was a pipe dream at best.  I left her and now going NC.  I am still hurting, waking up with anxiety and guilt.  Still thinking about her and just sad.  But I know we can move on.

This was a truly life changing, spritiual time for me.  Even though my relationship with my BPD wife damaged me so much mentally and physically, I also received many things from it.  I know about personality disorders, and what to watch out for.  I’m starting to really find out who I am and why I do the things that I do. I feel like I can really start to work on myself and aim to trusting my OWN feelings.  For anyone dealing with the same problems, please try to find out why you did the things you did and more about yourself.

This is a long post.  I just needed to put it in words.  Hope this may help in some way.  Thank you to whoever reads it.

“When I discover who I am, I’ll be free.” quote by Ralph Ellison.

[Lucky Jim]

This was a truly life changing, spritiual time for me.  Even though my relationship with my BPD wife damaged me so much mentally and physically, I also received many things from it.  I know about personality disorders, and what to watch out for.  I’m starting to really find out who I am and why I do the things that I do. I feel like I can really start to work on myself and aim to trusting my OWN feelings.  For anyone dealing with the same problems, please try to find out why you did the things you did and more about yourself.

Hey yoyo1221, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear all that you've been through.  I like what you're saying (above)!  It's true that going through the BPD wringer can lead to new growth.  I know myself better now.  I'm happier, too.  Plus, I'm back on my path after a 16-year detour into the BPD swamp.  You seem to have a lot of self-awareness which is an asset.  Let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[yoyo1221]

Hey yoyo1221, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear all that you've been through.  I like what you're saying (above)!  It's true that going through the BPD wringer can lead to new growth.  I know myself better now.  I'm happier, too.  Plus, I'm back on my path after a 16-year detour into the BPD swamp.  You seem to have a lot of self-awareness which is an asset.  Let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

Hi LuckyJim,

Thank you for the comment!  It really means a lot to me.

I feel for you.  16 years must have been so hard... My eyes are teary knowing that you made it out.  It is extremely helpful talking with like minded people who suffered similar experiences.

[heartandwhole]

Hi yoyo1221,



I'd like to join   Lucky Jim and welcome you to the community. You have certainly been through a lot I'm sorry you had to go through that difficult childhood, and that your marriage broke down. Those are very painful experiences.  

You sound very centered and thoughtful about your situation. I know how difficult NC can be, I did it, too. I found that it worked the best for me, because I was too vulnerable to recycling the relationship and paid too much attention to pwBPD's feelings.

How long has it been since the breakup yoyo? What has been the biggest challenge in your recovery from it?

Keep writing, it helps to share. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[yoyo1221]

Hi yoyo1221,



I'd like to join   Lucky Jim and welcome you to the community. You have certainly been through a lot I'm sorry you had to go through that difficult childhood, and that your marriage broke down. Those are very painful experiences.  

You sound very centered and thoughtful about your situation. I know how difficult NC can be, I did it, too. I found that it worked the best for me, because I was too vulnerable to recycling the relationship and paid too much attention to pwBPD's feelings.

How long has it been since the breakup yoyo? What has been the biggest challenge in your recovery from it?

Keep writing, it helps to share. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

Hi heartandwhole,

Thank you for the comment!  It truly is comforting to be able to speak with people that went through similar experiences.  I feel like most people will not understand what we are going through.  I heard to other day from one of my friends, he told me 'Just move on'.  I didn't want to really hear that at the moment... .because, years and years of emotional abuse is hard to just move on from.  I sometimes feel like a war vet with ptsd... .

It has been 1.5 weeks since NC.  The most challenging part of it were dealing with all the overwhelming negative emotions.  Anxiety, depression, guilt, fear, anger, remorse...   First couple days I had them full blown.  I couldn't even get out of bed... I was so emotionally drained it was as if my life energy was so low.  I had no appetite.  Basically, I didn't want to do anything because I was seriously damaged.  Another challenging part was trying my best to refrain from checking her messages or the phone in general.  I start getting anxiety whenever I think about her giving me a call.  Putting that behind is also crucial to recovery.  Youtube videos, articles, forums, long walks in nature, having relaxing nights with few friends, and thinking about my new future with optimism helped a lot. 
I know the road is still long, but for the first time, I'm looking forward to it.

[heartandwhole]

Hi yoyo,

I'm glad to hear that you are seeing a glimmer of light in the darkness so soon. That will give you strength to get through this. One and a half weeks is very recent, and you are already doing good things for yourself. 

Self care is critical during this time. Keep getting fresh air, treating yourself well, getting enough sleep, etc., as much as you can. Exercise can help tremendously, too.

How are you doing with not looking at her social media and/or contact? It can really help to take a break to recenter your mind and body. I think sometimes we underestimate the toll these kinds of breakups have taken on our whole selves. Once we step out of the drama, however, suddenly we see more objectively (and feel) the consequences.

heartandwhole

 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey yoyo, Glad to hear you are seeing light in the forest!  Agree, most people have no concept of what its like in a BPD r/s, because it is so far beyond anything they have ever experienced.  Yes, it is exhausting, so give yourself a break and a chance to recuperate.  When I left, I had nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak, and its taken time for me to build up my reserves again.  I don't miss the drama!

LJ

[nylonsquid]

Hi Yoyo,

This was inspiring to read. Inspiring because even though you are struggling now, I've been on that path and I see you gained enough self awareness to gather your strength and commit to yourself. The pain will go after the pains are shed and acceptance comes through. It will happen when you are in a good place in your life and you can see that the pains you've been in aren't worth the long commitment.

I also liked how you can still appreciate your time with her and how much you've learned. I know that I value the gift I was given in the relationship to be able to reflect upon myself and get to know me better through her. I've definitely grown to be a better person though I had to go through the pain.

Thank you for posting and good luck!

[yoyo1221]

How are you doing with not looking at her social media and/or contact? It can really help to take a break to recenter your mind and body. I think sometimes we underestimate the toll these kinds of breakups have taken on our whole selves. Once we step out of the drama, however, suddenly we see more objectively (and feel) the consequences.

heartandwhole

Hi heartandwhole,

Thank you for the comment.  I felt like I was recovering but today I am down in the dumps again...   My stbex wife kept calling me today and leaving texts... I felt a wave of anxiety hit me when I saw her name pop up.  I tried my best not to look at them... but I looked. She started first saying things like she really cares if I'm doing okay.  Then she started saying how I can do this to her and leave her like this. And that no one hurt her more than me.  But I will not let her take control of me.  My heart is pacing... but I wont reply or say the things she wants to hear.  I will be strong through all this because I know it'll get better.  You guys are living proof! 

[yoyo1221]

Hey yoyo, Glad to hear you are seeing light in the forest!  Agree, most people have no concept of what its like in a BPD r/s, because it is so far beyond anything they have ever experienced.  Yes, it is exhausting, so give yourself a break and a chance to recuperate.  When I left, I had nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak, and its taken time for me to build up my reserves again.  I don't miss the drama!

LJ

Hi LuckyJim,

Thank you for the comment.  You guys are proof that this will eventually get better.  I certainly don't miss the drama and will do my best to make sure it stays that way.

[yoyo1221]

Hi Yoyo,

This was inspiring to read. Inspiring because even though you are struggling now, I've been on that path and I see you gained enough self awareness to gather your strength and commit to yourself. The pain will go after the pains are shed and acceptance comes through. It will happen when you are in a good place in your life and you can see that the pains you've been in aren't worth the long commitment.

I also liked how you can still appreciate your time with her and how much you've learned. I know that I value the gift I was given in the relationship to be able to reflect upon myself and get to know me better through her. I've definitely grown to be a better person though I had to go through the pain.

Thank you for posting and good luck!

Hi Nylonsquid,

Thank you for the kind words.  If I can inspire or help 1 person, my job is done.  I sometimes feel my mind drifting from this concept and thinking about my stbex wife... .Like today... But I know its from the years of abuse... .I have to keep reminding myself why I left and appreciate the new and wiser version of me.