Empty is the best word

[KarmasReal]

Emptiness. I think that's the best word to describe it. This constant feeling that has been with me as of late. Not depressed, not sad, not angry, not hurt, not betrayed, not shocked. Those are there in small doses but I think emptiness best describes the fallout of my break up with my ex. Ever since I met her my life has been intertwined with her in almost every way.

Due to her ups and downs and needs and overwhelming emotions that come from the disorder I found myself wearing many hats with her. I was friend, confidant, lover, father figure, caretaker, therapist, etc. I did not spend time with others much due to spending not with her and later in our relationship due to trust issues and other things. I went through every up and down with her, and believe me there were a lot. Whatever she went through or felt I did just by being there and caring about her. It was a couple years of emotional turmoil, highs, lows, love, hate, happiness, and pain. I did it all for love and for a future I thought we could have. She was my past, my present, and my future and now she's gone again.

So without that past, without that present, without that future, without that emotional turmoil, without all my roles I took on in her life I am just empty. There's not much to fill up the space. My job, my friends, some dates here or there, family. But it all pales in comparison to what I did have. Not only that I lost someone I though could be a teammate, a friend, a lover, someone who I tried to have a future with. It feels like losing my whole life at this point. It didn't just change my relationship status it changed my entire life.

Now I'm lost, lost and empty, it hurts too knowing she probably won't ever feel anything like this, or even deal with the repercussions of anything, she should know what she has done. But I won't tell her so she never will. I know moving on to a new chapter is my only options but it's so hard to put this "book" down. I'm two weeks out of a two year relationship with a BPD person. And this is what it had done to me. I feel like I can't even cherish the good times because of the taint of all the bad of this relationship. I wish she could understand, I wish a lot of people could. Hopefully time will heal thay empty feeling in me and bring me back the joy for life. Thanks for listening guys.

[Hisaccount]

it hurts too knowing she probably won't ever feel anything like this, or even deal with the repercussions of anything, she should know what she has done. But I won't tell her so she never will.

I love the way you wrote that, it describes how I feel and I am sure there are others that feel the same way.

We don't know that they don't feel what we feel, they might feel worse. Inside a broken mind it is hard to tell what is going on. I agree though it sucks not having the recognition that they created this, they did this to us, but we both know they cannot accept responsibility or by telling them it will drive them farther over the edge. We don't do that because we do care and we are better people than that. So that is the burden we carry.

[Circle]

Hang in there with your grieving.
It does take a long while. Sorry for your loss.
That you are very in touch with your feelings and healing process is good.
I believe you will experience more changes as you get further away from the break-up.
Be with your feelings.
Take extra good care of yourself; indulging some in the comforts that bring you contentment: hot baths, good movies, drives to somewhere cool; whatever brings you some happiness.
Visit people you miss.
Get fresh air.

And, keep reading and posting, of course.

[heartandwhole]

I'm two weeks out of a two year relationship with a BPD person. And this is what it had done to me. I feel like I can't even cherish the good times because of the taint of all the bad of this relationship. I wish she could understand, I wish a lot of people could. Hopefully time will heal thay empty feeling in me and bring me back the joy for life.

KarmasReal,

You describe your situation very well. I'm sorry you are feeling lost and empty. I've been there, and it was very hard.

You are fresh out of the relationship—2 weeks. It's totally understandable that you feel so down. In my experience, breakups like these are so much more painful than "normal"  breakups.

Along with self-care (getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising) maybe allow yourself to be empty for awhile—let life clear out the stuff that isn't working for you anymore, and create a vacuum that will be filled with new and better things and people. Things really DO get better. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but they do. This is an opportunity for growth and with time, compassion and understanding, you will thrive again.

Be good to yourself, KarmasReal. We're here for you.  

heartandwhole

[Julia S]

I think much of it is to do with them - and their needs - increasingly being the centre of your world. And it's probably quite similar in that way to someone who has increasingly been a carer to a loved one with a terminal disease. Except in their case they get closure.

Empty is realistic. And your mind has probably got so used to this focus that it fights your attempts to fill it with other things. Then, I think empty is a state that you notice and fear, whereas previously, temporary emptiness would have been relaxation. Try some mindfulness techniques - there's a free course coming up on futurelearn.