Married for 8 1/2 years

[burnedrabbit]

Greetings!

I am a man married to a wonderful woman who self-diagnosed herself with BPD 4 years ago after her sister attempted suicide and was subsequently diagnosed with BPD (although later "rescinded"?).

My wife's mother has been diagnosed as bipolar and has lived a life of tragic interpersonal al relationships, constant failed jobs and strained family relationships.

When my wife and I first met in a whirlwind romance she expressed her fears that she could become like her mother and made me promise to alert and help her if she ever behaved similarly.

For the first 6 years of our marriage we had what I could only describe as playful loving bliss. We had 2 beautiful and wonderful children and my work as an executive in a virtual office brought me home where I stayed almost all the time. This position afforded me perhaps one hundred extra hours every month with my family and we exercised, played and loved every minute.

26 months ago my wife had what I could only describe as a nervous breakdown.
I was confronted one day, just a few days after one of most romantic date nights (which we hardly ever missed each Saturday night for 6 years) my wife suddenly turned on me and I became the enemy.

I have stayed and triEd to work through our marriage ever since undergoing light physical and heavy emotional and psychological abuse. My wife has had 2 affairs with other men - 1 long-distance emotional for a year and in November my wife informed me she slept with someone once in early September and is pregnant with that man's baby.

I have only recently become aware that she is most likely dealing with BPD. When she self diagnosed herself 4 years ago, when I failed to connect her peculiar infrequent and random manic rants with a deeper underlying issue, I did take it seriously. I asked her at the time what could be done and she told me there were medications or snything to be done. I advised we should watch for any signs of the illness (which now in retrospect our past comes into perfect focus to clearly see the signs and behaviors were always there from day 1).

My wife is now researching BPD on her own (she excels st researching medical conditions and treatments) and she began implementing meditation anout 2 years ago.

The odd thing has been that she spent the last 2 years screaming at me that I abused her emotionally since the beginning (I have never done any such thing and I have HUNDREDS of letters and notes in her own handwriting documenting the amazing connection we shared for 6 years in addition to thousands of texts and photos of our happy life together as a highly-engaged active happy couple and as a family) yet she stayed in the marriage all the while threatening immediate divorce.

We are in truce now as my wife is exploring her own psyche.

Welcome feedback and advice how I can best help her now.

I have offered to raise her illegitimate child as our own.

I always said I would go to Hell and back for my wife (What Dreams May Come).   The first part of that is complete. Now I have to get back!  To begin the healing process.

Thanks.   

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[JohnLove]

Hello burnedrabbit, I'm not sure our idea of a "wonderful" woman is the same. My idea of a wonderful woman is a woman who does wonderful things.

"Light" physical abuse, heavy emotional abuse, psychological abuse, desecrating her marriage, emotional cheating, and outside sexual relationship(s) that results in (unplanned?) pregnancy does not qualify her as wonderful for me.

Your depiction of your working/family life sounded idyllic. Just about the perfect family/work balance that not everyone can enjoy. So when things were just about perfect... .what happened next?

26 months ago it was likely your wife recieved a narcissistic injury from one of her conquests. I'm sure it wasn't pretty. You became the enemy because she couldn't take it out on the man who "wronged" her... .and she couldn't turn to you with this, could she?

I noted that she also expected you to "save" her from becoming her Mother because she is aware that she couldn't do it for herself. You can't either. How exactly do you think her Mother had a string of failed relationships?

pwBPD need extra attention if they are suffering, so illnesses and physical ailments can come and go (seemingly at will), but the fact that your wife is a bit of an expert on researching illnesses alarms me.

Meditation is an fantastic ritual for connecting us to ourselves and to our higher power. Mindfulness is very important for everyone but especially for pwBPD, I don't think the meditation is working for her, if that's what she is even doing.

The odd thing is that you wife is rewriting your history together (a BPD trait). See how effortlessly she does that? It's odd all right but relationships with pwBPD tend to follow a pattern. Idealise, devalue, discard. Be careful because if one of those other relationships your wife was having had "worked out" where do you think you would be now?

Your wife self diagnosed herself 4 years ago... .and with her amazing research skills found that nothing could be done. This is SHOCKING. The tools for personal growth and understanding just on this website will be invaluable to you.

Nothing can be done? You might have her truth right there. Be careful what you wish for.

If you feel you've been to hell, what if I told you BPD follows a cycle... .and that all it appears like is you are trying to purchase a return ticket.

I'm sorry that I'm not overly concerned with your wife. I'm more interested in what are you doing for yourself and your children?

[oshinko maki]

Two issues jump out at me:

Can you persuade your wife to see a psychiatrist, either with or without you? Self diagnosis and treatment seem scary because you wrote that she is still screaming at you.

Are you sure the child is not yours? I've been told even worse lies. A person with BPD knows how to hurt you and will do it well. I would have a paternity test, without her knowledge, although that is not ideal of course. Still I would do it. You may want to raise the child either way, but at least you would see some of the extent of her lies (if she is lying) and that may motivate you to re-look at your relationship.

[burnedrabbit]

I have asked her to at least consult a psychiatrist and with the help of MHA who referred me to my local MHMR I was able to provide her with the information she needs to pursue.  Yesterday she told me that (the day before?) she contacted MHMR and the telephone facilitator whose job it is to complete initial screening and set the walk-in assessment appointment with their staff psychiatrist expressed her opinion to my wife that "nothing she said sounded too extreme" and that "everyone has a breaking point" ... .so her behavior is not likely related to BPD at all.   

The child is not mine.

[burnedrabbit]

JohnLove:

Thank you for your feedback, comments, concerns and cautions.

I am just beginning my journey to heal.  I have encouraged my wife to seek qualified professional help however she is in denial presently and attempting to "bargain" with me why she is not so extreme as the Mayo Clinic and DMS-5 explanation of BPD.

My alerts are all set to "high" as I begin to learn how to cope, manage, and heal in this relationship.  It is yet to be seen if the marriage will survive, however we are partners in many ways including co-parenting 2 (soon 3) young children and co-managing a business that is expanding quickly.

I am a highly educated experienced professional so I am turning my attention after 2 years from my wife to myself to ensure I am on firm ground and not focused on her distortions.