Wife With BPD Going to Therapist: My Role?

[Portent]

So my pwBPD wife is going to therapy because she has no choice. She got a DUI with her two kids from her last marriage in the car and therapy will be a condition to get them back. Plus being proactive on therapy will help her with the court on the endangerment charges.

I made sure the therapists was trained in DBT and experienced with pwPPD. She doesn't have a PhD only an MS but she has the best training. My wife's ex will probably still require a full objective physiological evaluation which can only be done by a PhD.

My question is what role should I have in this? I'm trying my best to be there for her despite her every effort to push me away.

At this stage I just want her to get help do she can be the mother our son deserves and so she can get the kids back. I've lost them too and it hurts every day. At least she gets to visit them. I haven't seen them since I dropped them off at school and hugged them goodbye knowing that it would be the last time I see them for a long time. My wife couldn't do it. She made me take them in.

Maybe sometime in the future we can reconnect but right now I just want her therapy to work for the good of our kids. So what is my job in all of this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Portent,

What a mixed blessing, whew. It's hard to know if up is down or down is up. 

I'm glad she and the kids are ok (how old are they?), altho I know it has to hurt so much to not see them regularly.

In what ways is your wife pushing you away?

Prior to the DUI and therapy consequence, was she in therapy? What are her thoughts about therapy in general?

[Portent]

I have a better grasp on things now that I know she is a pwBPD. She told me she had been diagnosed bipolar when we were dating and I had to pull her back when it was happening. I was looking for bipolar so I missed the real problem.

She pushes me away by silent treatment, trying to pick fights, or simply running away. A couple nights ago she came home and was very remorseful about everything that had happened, she apologized for ruining my family etc. But it only took a couple of hours for the demon to come back and regain control. By the end of the night the walls were up again.

She told me she wanted a divorce, was having an affair etc, over a month ago. We agreed that we will share the house so our son can be with both of us. The origional agreement was as far as I understood it that one would have the watch and the other could go out after our son went down or close to it.

It hasn't worked out that way. If I have our son I'm not going to see her. She never comes home because she cant bear the guilt.  It is pretty much a shared custody agreement now where our son doesn't see his mother when I have him. That is not what I agreed to. I'm hoping that with therapy she will actually have the courage to face her guilt.

And no she wasn't in therapy. She thinks therapists are a bunch of quacks because they think she has problems. I got her to go to two marriage counseling sessions, one together one individual, but she made sure that ended by refusing to end her affair. Despite her thinking she can snow over anyone our therapists saw right through her and agrees she is pwBPD. The affair is now over or so she says because his wife will never let him see his kids if she is in the picture. Who in their right mind would let their kids be around someone with a child endangerment charge. I dont know if it is or it isn't, she has to work with him a lot. She may be trying to get him back. She did say that she doesn't want to move ahead with any divorce paperwork with me until she is done with her present legal battles. That leads me to believe it is over because she wont leave if there is no place to land. She cant stand being alone.

She is basically going to this by force so I'm not so sure she will be cooperative. But than again she has too much faith in her intelligence, like I said our therapists saw right through her. I believe that this therapists will do the same. Until she gets an independent diagnosis by someone who hasn't been polluted by myself and her ex, two doctors, the aforementioned one and a friend who her and her ex,  have already concluded that she has borderline personality disorder, she wont accept it. Those doctors talked too much to me and her ex so they are tainted as far as she is concerned.

[Portent]

So no suggestions. Certainly someone has had their pwBPD go into therapy.

[livednlearned]

Is the question what role do you play in her life as she tries to take it apart? And if so, do you mean, what do others here think is healthy for you? Or for your child?

Or is the question what happens when a BPD person is court-ordered into therapy?

[Portent]

The question is what role do I play in her therapy.

And its not court ordered. She has yo do it if sge expects her ex to gkve her visitation and eventually shared custody again.

[livednlearned]

With BPD loved ones, always bet on whatever role or action that brings you the most self-respect.

Whatever role provides you the greatest dignity and protection, take it.

It seems counter-intuitive that she wants you to have strong boundaries as she seems to work so diligently to tear them down, and yet your boundaries, created to protect you, are essential for her. Because she is at a loss how to protect you from herself.

Try to not get triangulated into her recovery if you can. I know it's hard.

You may find validating questions are a helpful way to support her while keeping responsibility and accountability on her shoulders where it belongs. If you get too involved, you may find yourself the target of rage as she struggles to deal with shame and guilt, and looks to offload those feelings on an innocent bystander who has already shown you will carry her burden.

If you want to participate without getting entangled, I recommend reading books like Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning, or Valerie Porr's book (can't recall the name). You'll learn some great relationship skills that you can apply to raising an emotionally resilient child who has a BPD parent, not to mention using the same skills with your wife.

[Portent]

You are right about the boundaries. I put up a kew one today, she conflates me and her ex-husband when she is mad at him she picks a fight with me. I told her that I wouldn't tolerate it and I would leave whenever she did it. We had a bit of a fight but she was way more agreeable afterwords.

[Portent]

Well thats it for my marriage. Therapist said thar because she is leaving me that she is not BPD since BPDs have abandonment issues.

Lets forget that all BPDs leave eventually. Oh well I have no desire to stay married to this demon.

[livednlearned]

Your therapist... .maybe is taking the word abandon too literally.

It is the fear of abandonment that likely drove your wife to start an affair.

And abandonment is, in many ways, something pwBPD do to themselves -- both contributing to and caused by a shaky sense of self.

She is constantly doing to herself what she is terrified others will do to her. This script is on a continuous loop that she plays out, drawing in the people around her to play roles in her internal drama.

It's why self-respect, dignity, and boundaries are so important for us. It's her drama, not yours. It's an act of love to let her experience the consequences of her emotions-->thoughts-->actions so that she can see how she creates these situations. Only when she takes responsibility for the wreckage she creates will she seek help.

When we try to protect them from themselves, we interrupt cause and effect and put ourselves in the line of fire.

[Portent]

I know the therapist is full of it. pwPBD strike first. But that doesn't change the fact that my wife will no longer seek help.

[Skip]

Have you seen this?
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a118.htm

[oshinko maki]

Portent,
I understand the absence of any desire to stay married.
I do, however, stay married because I weigh the risk of losing my child and other dangers as too heavy.
If you have to divorce, I hope you can keep in contact with your children as you wish.
To prepare for the event that my wife one day leaves me and takes my child -- not to raise him or because she has any love for him but instead simply to express hatred for me, as she used to threaten regularly -- in preparation for that I have in the past and continue to regularly talk with my son about how he can prevent being taken and how he can escape her if ever necessary.
I do not trust that lawyers and courts can be of much help when you have a person with BPD involved because the latter have little care the law or what is morally right or wrong. Maybe I am too pessimistic about lawyers' and courts' abilities to do the right thing for the child. I am not going to risk it. I am not suggesting that you break the law, I would just do whatever you can to ensure that you protect what you do want to keep, contact with or physical custody of your children.

[Portent]

She has spent the last 2 weeks making sure she beats the diagnosis. She believes that to get her kids back she needs to beat the diagnosis, beat the child endangerment. She doesn't get the difference between civil and criminal court. Even if she does beat the endangerment the civil court will still give custody to her ex.

[Portent]

Well the therapist diagnosed her with anxiety disorder which may well be true but I know whe was not honest with the therapist. I asked her of she told the therapist about her suicide threats. She said something along the lines of 'yes I said I want to d8e since I lost ky kids'  Half trith. He has made suicide threats since we were dating.

She had over a week to study so she knew what not to tell the therapist.

Upside it looks like she will be getting DBT regardless.

[Portent]

Well my therapist thinks thar her therapist is slow playing her to get her into therapy. Oh god I hope so.