When Therapy Is Counterproductive

[maryy16]

 I'm hoping that some others here have encountered this type of situation and may be able to provide some advice.

My H has been in therapy for awhile now, and while he says he feels it's helping him to deal with issues, I'm beginning to feel that it may be counterproductive.

For example, he'll repeated tell me that he's been told to avoid his triggers in order to keep from getting angry. And while I agree with this in theory, he turns it onto me saying, "I need to avoid my triggers, and when I really think about what makes me angry, I realize that YOU are my trigger, and I wouldn't ever be angry if it wasn't for YOU." Nevermind that he's always angry at his boss (and every boss he's ever had for the most part), angry at waiters, angry at cashiers, angry at drivers on the road, etc.

Another example, he'll say things under his breath (or not under his breath depending on how angry he is) like "Boy, I cant wait to go to therapy and talk about all the things YOU do." Or "I'm sure going to have a lot to talk about at my next therapy session when I talk about what YOU'VE done now."

Regarding the above statements, I asked if all he does at his therapy sessions is talk about me, to which he replied, "Pretty much." Then he made another comment about one of his sessions, "We were sitting around talking about how laughable it was that YOU did... ."

I'm just not sure how to deal with this. I feel like I'm in another no-win situation. While therapy should be a positive thing, I'm beginning think that his therapist may unknowingly be reinforcing his bad behavior by validating him as the victim, and, thus, giving him poor advice on how to handle frustrating situations that he comes up against.

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[Sunfl0wer]

I think it is hard to know if the therapist is actually validating his reality, or he is simply hearing and interpreting the words and tuning into the station he hears.

It's pretty common for pwBPD to get advice or help and not think it applies to them, and instead try to apply it to others around them. 

Thus, locus of control is conceptualised as referring to a unidimensional continuum, ranging from external to internal:

External Locus of Control
Individual believes that his/her behaviour is guided by fate, luck, or other external circumstances
Internal Locus of Control
Individual believes that his/her behaviour is guided by his/her personal decisions and efforts.

If your SO is having trouble with applying info to self, likely they may feel that there is simply no need to apply it to them.  Often pwBPD feel difficulties are a result of other people's behaviors, so focusing on difficulties inntreatment, may simply help them to "underline" or "highlight" looking at others difficulties as they fail to apply the info to themselves.

I wonder if asking... .
What did you guys discuss on strategies for you to employ to minimize triggers?  Or to cope when triggered?
(To put it back on his lap)

Idk if that will work, just grasping for something.

[Jessica84]

Sounds like he isn't ready to face himself yet. Easier to blame you than own any of his stuff. Because once he does that, he will have to face the shame - and that may be an emotion he is trying so desperately to avoid. His T may not want to push too hard yet - but I seriously doubt the T is sitting around laughing with him about anything. Your H still has his BPD ears on, hearing what he wants to hear.

How long as he been in therapy?

I know it hurts that he is putting all of the blame onto you as his #1 trigger. Try to remember, that is HIS reality, not reality. Hang in there 

[babyoctopus]

In my experience, 7 years marriage counseling and therapy was very counterproductive. It made matters even worse because now he could project on to me with skill coached by our therapist!

Therapist was a sunny, positive, Christian woman who listened to most of our arguments and made them sound so darn silly... all we needed to do was love each other! Role play... .consider your partner's feelings more... .Stupidly, I bought into it because, as you know, we partners only want peace! We only want the rages and the cycles to stop! I was at that point in my life I would have done everything just for a week of harmony and peace.

In my opinion, therapy only gave ustbxBPDh more verbal tools in which to torture me including: "Wow, you are so angry- are you ok?" "I'm a positive person, why are you so negative" and my personal favorite "You are kitchen-sinking me". I found myself accepting even MORE blame and becoming even more of a doormat because now I had to constantly "take his feelings into consideration" for every decision I made no matter how small... .as if I didn't already over-focus on him-him-him. Ugh. 

I'm not saying therapy isn't a good thing- it can be- but it is an opportunity for the BPD to shift blame onto the partner. BPDs generally never own up to their part in conflicts, its so much easier to blame us.

[maryy16]

Thanks so much for everyone's responses. Yes, I do believe that most of his descriptions of his therapy appointments are his twisted version of reality. While I don't believe he's lying, he does pick up on one piece of information, distort it to meet his needs, and that, then, becomes his reality and basis for argument. Although, he does flat out lie sometimes, like when I asked ( during an argument), "What does your therapist say about xyz and his response was "She said YOU are irritating." I'm sure the therapist tries to validate his feelings, but his mind takes that validation as her agreement that I am the cause of all his problems.

baby octopus... .I completely understand your situation. It doesn't help that my H was a Psychology major and is extremely smart and quick thinking. None of the "normal" relationship methods work for pwBPD.

[Jessica84]

This sounds like triangulation to me? Like he's using the T as a weapon to validate him as the victim, you as the persecutor.

Is your H diagnosed? Is his therapist trained in BPD? If T doesn't know about BPD and only getting only his version and validating him without helping him learn new coping skills, then that does sound counter-productive.