How to help a young adult female with BPD and in denial

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter is 24 can be a beautiful, calm and engaging presence. While going through a emotional panic she'll threaten suicide and strike and yell at her husband or me or her mother and play the "come back go away game."  It's hard to know when she's really in trouble because she has cried "wolf" so many times. It is obvious she is hurting herself and those that care about her. Never hurts strangers. Blames the people around her for her problems but can't find a way to get the help she needs because she's "to smart" for the counselor" or afraid other people will create further complications in her life. I am the only one in her life that helps her. Her mother had her move in with me exclusively at age 13 or 14 and only saw her once or twice a week to help with her business. She the mother has now moved 600 miles away what little support she gave is completely gone. Her mother showed BPD traits just not as severe we split up when my daughter was 2.5 yrs old. I'm depressed cause I never know when things are going to cycle out of control and I'll need to go over and try and talk her down, it doesn't always work. This behavior began to get severe at age 18... .6 years of hell. What next?

[Dr. Sufi]

My daughter is 24 can be a beautiful, calm and engaging presence. While going through a emotional panic she'll threaten suicide and strike and yell at her husband or me or her mother and play the "come back go away game."  It's hard to know when she's really in trouble because she has cried "wolf" so many times. It is obvious she is hurting herself and those that care about her. Never hurts strangers. Blames the people around her for her problems but can't find a way to get the help she needs because she's "to smart" for the counselor" or afraid other people will create further complications in her life. I am the only one in her life that helps her. Her mother had her move in with me exclusively at age 13 or 14 and only saw her once or twice a week to help with her business. She the mother has now moved 600 miles away what little support she gave is completely gone. Her mother showed BPD traits just not as severe we split up when my daughter was 2.5 yrs old. I'm depressed cause I never know when things are going to cycle out of control and I'll need to go over and try and talk her down, it doesn't always work. This behavior began to get severe at age 18... .6 years of hell. What next?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

hi Dr Sufi,



We are so sorry you are having the difficult circumstances in your life.  Having a loved one with traits of BPD is very emotionally, mentally and physically draining.  Your story is a very familiar one around here.  If you'll look around and read what others have posted you will note that you are not alone in your struggles. 
One thing many of us have learned is that we cannot change our person with BPD (pwBPD), but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  To the right of this page you will see some tools and lessons that help guide you in ways that can improve the situation. 
Has your daughter been diagnosed? 
Have you thought about seeking a therapist to help guide you through this process?  Many here have found a professional to be of great help especially when paired with a support group such as this site. A good book to check out is Stop Walking on Eggshells. 
What are some of the more common issues that keep reoccurring?
You've found a great place for knowledge, understanding and sharing.  Feel free to share any thoughts, feelings or questions anytime!  We are here!   

[GinaByTheC]

Hello Dr Sufi.
GINA here... .Another parent of a BPD daughter. When I read about your daughters mum, I did think it sounded like she had some BPD traits. Moving 600 kms away must be so hard for both your daughter and her mother.
I was reading about triangulation. It's great to have this spelt out. If you haven't read it, please have a look at it sometime. It seems that you are cast as the rescuer in the triangulation. Your daughter the victim and her mother the persecutor ( maybe a contributing reason why she moved away).
Hard to be cast in any of the roles. The winning triangle is one to aim for.
I will certainly be working in this framework.
Our daughter is 26 and her dad is the rescuer, and I am cast as the bad guy. That hurts. I have just suffered alone. My husband's time is taken up with resuming duties and my daughter is debilitated at times where she is immobilised in bed... .Unable to go to her part time job, attend Uni, or study.
Whilst my daughter was diagnosed around 4 years ago, currently she is in denial
Welcome to the forum.

[Guilty Mom]

Hi Dr. Sufi,

I know what you're going through. My daughter is 25 and she attributes all her life problems to being an alcoholic. She can't see that her alcoholism was just a cover up for her mental illness and AA is not helping because they are encouraging her that her alcoholism is the cause of mental problems. So in the meantime,she isn't getting a diagnosis and she isn't getting the therapy she needs. It is frustrating. I have read a few books about BPD and I'm pretty sure that's her main problem. I am trying to join a support group to learn how to act around her in a way that is more therapeutic for her and me.  It is tearing our family peace apart.

I hope your daughter will get the help she needs. It is so hard on everyone when there is help, but it is not being sought out.

Hello Dr Sufi.
GINA here... .Another parent of a BPD daughter. When I read about your daughters mum, I did think it sounded like she had some BPD traits. Moving 600 kms away must be so hard for both your daughter and her mother.
I was reading about triangulation. It's great to have this spelt out. If you haven't read it, please have a look at it sometime. It seems that you are cast as the rescuer in the triangulation. Your daughter the victim and her mother the persecutor ( maybe a contributing reason why she moved away).
Hard to be cast in any of the roles. The winning triangle is one to aim for.
I will certainly be working in this framework.
Our daughter is 26 and her dad is the rescuer, and I am cast as the bad guy. That hurts. I have just suffered alone. My husband's time is taken up with resuming duties and my daughter is debilitated at times where she is immobilised in bed... .Unable to go to her part time job, attend Uni, or study.
Whilst my daughter was diagnosed around 4 years ago, currently she is in denial
Welcome to the forum.