Girlfriend is pregnant, and I have serious concerns about her health.

[Devon91]

Hello,

New to this thread and going to get straight to the point.


I am based in the States and my girlfriend has BPD and is pregnant and I am growing increasingly concerned with her mental health and her instability as a Mother.

She is becoming increasingly violent, short tempered and impossible to talk to or have a conversation with that doesn't result in me being threatened or emotionally blackmailed.

 She already has a son and I am also concerned for their welfare; she has attacked me in front of her son and it terrified her to the point where the child was crying and his Mother lost touch with reality momentarily and I had to calm the baby down whilst his Mum went into bathroom and started smashing and punching walls.

My dealings with BPD are minimal and I am now at a loss as to what I need to do for my unborn child and her son whom I care so much for and with his Dad not bothering with him, I feel responsible for his welfare and safety and I don't think his Mother is well enough to look after him.


I want to help her but unfortunately she really leaves me no choice but to pursue custody once baby is born. She also continues to smoke and shows a  complete lack of care when it comes to my unborn child - I don't see how this is related to her BPD.

I get annoyed by her smoking as I genuinely believe it is a form of child abuse and she doesn't seem to care at all.

I can honestly and sadly say that I am now longer in love with her and writing this breaks my heart.

So my questions are;

1. How did I begin to address a break up considering her irrational thought process and complete selfishness?

2. How do I safeguard my child and her child from her violent, unstable personality?

3. What do I do about her violent attacks on me?

I appreciate that I may seem not at all concerned about her issues and I sympathise completely but my child and her child are now priority.

I don't wish to cause her pain or suffering and care about her deeply.

Please advise.

[TommyBahama]

Hello Devon, I have a BPD wife so I understand what you go through.  I have been reading a lot about BPD and getting help on this forum also.  Persons with BPD sometimes have problems controlling their impulses so smoking may or may not be related to her BPD.  Has your girlfriend ever gotten professional help for BPD and is she willing to consider it?  In the end you have to do what is best for the children. 

1. Look on the right where it says choosing a path, that will help you with a start.  It's probably not best to tell her you are planning on leaving right away for the safety of the children.  Are you keeping records of what happens in case you have to use the information later to get custody of the child?

Check this link also it has so much information there:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111890.0

2. Try to keep her calm as much as possible and learn what triggers her and even if she is wrong try not to trigger her while you devise a plan.  This is very hard to do.  I still have trouble with this myself because the way they act pushes you to want to respond to them.

3. Leave the situation until she calms down, go into another room.  Take the kid with you if possible unless that will make her angrier.  Don't expect her to see the error of her ways and want to apologize.  I know two persons with BPD, my wife and another and they never see things they did as wrong coming from the person they direct their anger towards, but at times they may see it if someone else tells them they are wrong.  With what I have seen there is always that person they will listen to and respect enough to not show anger towards when that person speaks to them (even though they may talk about that person badly behind their back).

I am sure you are concerned about her, I have reached that point also.  You have to do what is best for you and your kids at some point, but it takes time and longer to get out of than it took to get into.  It gets frustrating also.  There are lots of persons here who have been through their own situation with BPD and have way more experience than me.  I know they will share their advice and experience also, just keep asking whatever you need advice on.

[Devon91]

Hello,

Thank you for your reply.

She has been diagnosed but is in denial and I imagine a symptom of her illness is not being able to see how sick and unwell she is - I have tried to support her but I can no longer deal with her.

Last night once again culminated in a flurry of emotional threats and her being completely irrational and paranoid. This was down to me telling her that her smoking is a form of child abuse towards our unborn baby.

This set her off and culminated in me having to pack all my things and leave for fear of what she would do if I stayed - This is something I struggle with as she asks me to leave and I do and when I return she accuses me of abandoning her and thus I really cant win.

I am in the process of seeing an attorney in  the New Year to see where I stand and I am recording all the incidents where she is violent or unstable.

I really do not know how to progress from here as I cannot leave the child in her hands because she is incapable of looking after her when her BPD flares up.

If I am seen as the problem - Would leaving sort this out?

Thanks.

[Devon91]

As of today; I have left our home and will be staying with a friend.

It was clear that I was her trigger and the violence and abuse aimed at me were too much and I unfortunately will be pursuing custody.

I have also informed the police about her and have asked her friends to make sure her son is okay and that if he needs anything I am always available for him.

Her behaviour has become increasingly difficult and she is so angry with me and at me all the time.

Have I done the wrong thing?

[Larmoyant]

Hi Devon91, I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'd like to join Tommy and welcome you to BPD Family  .

Your decision to leave a volatile situation is a sound one, especially given she's increasingly abusive and violent towards you, and I can understand your concern for her son. Asking friends to keep a look out was great, as was offering support. It seems there's little else you can do here given he's not your biological child and this must be hard. Has she ever shown abuse towards her son?

Seeing her smoke whilst pregnant and not being able to influence her in any way would be upsetting as well. My ex used to blow up at me whenever I expressed concern over his drink driving. It seems pwBPD don't like their decisions questioned no matter how irrational. I was able to avoid being in the car with him, but I can imagine you might feel helpless to change her behaviour and that must be very hard on you.  Is there anyone else, a friend, family member that might help her think about this?

Now you're in your friends place, out of the line of fire, you'll have some breathing space to sort out what to do going forwards. A discussion with a lawyer sounds like a good plan. I encourage you to keep reading and posting here as you work your way through this. There's support here for you.

[Devon91]

Hello and thank you for your kind words,

I've been away from her 4 days now and am feeling so much better.

I've broken the nc rule because of my concern for son but he seems to be fine.

She is incredibly manipulative and is getting morning sickness and blaming it on my baby inside of her.

She very much has made me out to be the useless partner who has abandoned his pregnant girlfriend and everyday that I am away is a betrayal and makes it harder for her to ever forgive me as I am the one person in her Adult life who hurt her the most and that the pain I caused her by leaving will always be inside her.

I am at the point where she wants me to come back but she will never change and fair play to her, she's admitted just as much the same.

Part of me wants to return but I know it wouldn't work - I am seeing attorney in the New Year to see where I stand legally.

I must be honest I struggle to remain calm with her constant abuse towards me -
How does one attempt to explain to pwBPD the pain they cause? She cannot see any fault in her actions and I am really struggling to cope with this symptom of her illness.

[Larmoyant]

I must be honest I struggle to remain calm with her constant abuse towards me -
How does one attempt to explain to pwBPD the pain they cause? She cannot see any fault in her actions and I am really struggling to cope with this symptom of her illness.

Hi Devon, I’m not sure if you can explain it to them. Lack of empathy seems to be a core feature and if you do try it gets turned around on you. They blame others, make excuses, claim misunderstandings and to top it off depict themselves as the victim in the situation. Sound familiar? I struggled to cope with it too. It’s all part of their seemingly elaborate defence system to protect themselves from deep seated feelings of shame and their own pain. Hard for us to live with.