Introduction

[Salie]

Hi everyone,


I am 37 years old and have one brother and one sister, also in their 30's. My stepmother has been in our lives for 20+ years, and as the years have gone by she has allowed our father to spend less and less time with us, to the point where she has stated he is only allowed to see us when she is present. Our father says she makes his life miserable if he does not conform to her requirements, and he has become a different person over the years - very fearful and anxious when she is in the room. We always thought she was just controlling and manipulative, but when I learned of BPD last week it was like a huge light bulb has finally illuminated our dark space. I am looking forward to learning more from those of you who have been in similar circumstances so we can try to regain a relationship with our father and understand how to relate/communicate with our BP stepmother.

Thank you for being willing to share your experiences.

[Kwamina]

Hi Salie

20+ years is a long time to be dealing with a difficult stepmother. I am sorry this has influenced the relationship you have with your dad, he unfortunately is spending less and less time with you. You mention how he's become very fearful and anxious when she's in the room and also mention her controlling ways. I want to share something with you from our article about fear, obligation and guilt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Do you feel the concept of FOG applies to the dynamics between your dad and stepmother? You can read more here:
Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

You learned about BPD last week, how did that come about? Were you perhaps actively searching for an explanation for your stepmother's behavior and/or did someone tell you about BPD?

Take care and welcome to  bpdfamily

The Board Parrot